The Merry Wives of Windsor (16 page)
Read The Merry Wives of Windsor Online
Authors: William Shakespeare
Aside
To Mrs Page and Mrs Ford
FORD
Nay, I’ll to him again in name of Broom:
He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he’ll come.
MISTRESS PAGE
Fear not you that.— Go get us
properties
79
and
tricking
80
for our fairies.
To Page, Ford and Evans
EVANS
Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures and fery
honest knaveries.
[
Exeunt Page, Ford and Evans
]
MISTRESS PAGE
Go, Mistress Ford,
Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.
[
Exit Mistress Ford
]
85 I’ll to the Doctor. He hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though
well landed
87
, is an idiot,
And
he my husband best of all affects
88
.
The Doctor is well moneyed, and his friends
Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
[
Exit
]
running scene 17
Enter Host [and] Simple
HOST
What wouldst thou have,
boor
? What,
thick-skin
1
?
Speak, breathe,
discuss
2
: brief, short, quick, snap.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
from Master Slender.
HOST
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed
6
. ’Tis painted about with the
story of the
Prodigal
7
, fresh and new. Go, knock and call. He’ll
speak like an
Anthropophaginian
8
unto thee. Knock, I say.
SIMPLE
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into
his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I
come to speak with her indeed.
HOST
Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll
call.— Bully knight, bully Sir John! Speak from thy
lungs
13
military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine
Ephesian
14
, calls.
FALSTAFF
How now, mine host?
Above or within
HOST
Here’s a
Bohemian-Tartar
16
tarries the coming down
of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend. My
chambers are honourable. Fie!
Privacy
18
? Fie!
[
Enter Falstaff
]
FALSTAFF
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now
with me, but she’s gone.
SIMPLE
Pray you, sir, was’t not the
wise woman
21
of Brentford?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it,
mussel-shell
22
. What would you
with her?
SIMPLE
My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing
her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nim, sir,
that
beguiled
26
him of a chain, had the chain or no.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray, sir?
FALSTAFF
Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled
Master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman herself:
I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.
FALSTAFF
What are they? Let us know.
HOST
Ay, come. Quick.
SIMPLE
I may not
conceal
35
them, sir.
HOST
Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.
FALSTAFF
’Tis, ’tis his fortune.
SIMPLE
What, sir?
FALSTAFF
To have her or no. Go, say the woman told me so.
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir,
like who more bold
43
.
SIMPLE
I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad
with these tidings.
[
Exit
]
HOST
Thou art
clerkly
46
, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine host, one that hath taught
me more wit than ever I learned before in my life. And I paid
nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
[
Enter Bardolph
]
BARDOLPH
Out, alas, sir. Cozenage,
mere
51
cozenage!
HOST
Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
varletto
52
.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners, for so soon as I came
beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in
a
slough of mire
55
, and set spurs and away, like three German
devils, three
Doctor Faustuses
56
.
HOST
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain. Do not
say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
[
Enter Evans
]
EVANS
Where is mine host?
HOST
What is the matter, sir?
EVANS
Have a care of your
entertainments
61
. There is a friend
of mine come to town tells me there is three
cozen-germans
62
that has cozened all the hosts of
Readings, of Maidenhead, of
63
Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
you. You are wise and full of gibes and
vlouting-stocks
65
, and
’tis not
convenient
66
you should be cozened. Fare you well.
[
Exit
]
[
Enter Caius
]
CAIUS
Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
HOST
Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
dilemma.
CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me dat you
make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamany
71
. By my trot,
dere is no duke
that the court is know to come
72
. I tell you for
good will. Adieu.
[
Exit
]
HOST
Hue and cry, villain
74
, go!— Assist me,
To Bardolph/To Falstaff/To Bardolph
knight, I am undone!—
Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
[
Exeunt Host and Bardolph
]
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened, for I have
been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of
the court, how I have been transformed and how my
transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would
melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and
liquor
81
fishermen’s
boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine
wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
since I
forswore myself at primero
. Well, if my
wind
84
were but
long enough, I would repent.
[
Enter Mistress Quickly
]
Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
From the two parties, forsooth.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party and his
dam
88
the other,
and so they shall be both
bestowed
89
. I have suffered more for
their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s
disposition is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant,
speciously
93
one of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten
black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
FALSTAFF
What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten
myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was
like
96
to
be apprehended for the witch of Brentford.
But
97
that my
admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of
an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me
i’th’stocks, i’th’common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber.
You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content.
Here is a letter will say somewhat — good hearts, what ado
here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve
heaven well, that you are so
crossed
105
.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt
running scene 17 continues
Enter Fenton [and] Host
HOST
Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is heavy. I
will give
over
2
all.
FENTON
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
HOST
I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will, at the
least, keep your
counsel
7
.
FENTON
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,
Who mutually hath answered my affection —
So far forth
11
as herself might be her chooser —
Even
to
12
my wish. I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The
mirth
whereof so
larded with my matter
14
,
That neither singly can be manifested
Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff
Hath a great
scene
. The
image
17
of the jest
I’ll show you here
at large
18
. Hark, good mine host:
Tonight at Herne’s Oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen —
The purpose why is here — in which disguise,
While other jests are something
rank on foot
22
,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry. She hath consented. Now, sir,
Her mother — ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius — hath appointed
That he shall likewise
shuffle
28
her away,
While other sports are
tasking of
29
their minds,
And at the
dean’ry
30
, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her. To this her mother’s plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus
it rests
33
:
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that
habit
35
, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended,
The better to
denote
38
her to the doctor —
For they must all be masked and vizarded —
That
quaint
in green she shall be
loose enrobed
40
,
With ribbons
pendent
flaring
41
’bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his
vantage
42
ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that
token
43
,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
HOST
Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
FENTON
Both, my good host, to go along with me.
And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar
To
stay
48
for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
HOST
Well,
husband
your
device
51
. I’ll to the vicar.
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
FENTON
So shall I evermore be bound to thee:
Besides, I’ll make a
present
54
recompense.
