The Moment Keeper (20 page)

“I wish you had had me.”

Elizabeth lifts up Olivia’s chin. “It wouldn’t have made any difference. I wouldn’t have loved you any more than I do now. And you know you mean everything to your father. So, we’ll get through this as a family just like we’ve gotten through every other difficulty we’ve faced. OK?”

Olivia blows her nose. “OK. But promise me you’ll let me help, do whatever I can around the house.”

“I promise.”

“Mom,” Olivia says. “I never want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Elizabeth says. “I’ll always be with you. Even when I’m not physically here, I’ll always be here.” And she points to Olivia’s heart.

Olivia covers her heart with both of her hands. “Forever and ever, Mom. Forever and ever.”

If I were alive, I’d be melting in tears. Listening to Elizabeth talk to Olivia about her love for her fills me with incredible joy. My spiritual body tingles all over. It’s a tingling brought about by a love so deep that even though I try to understand it, I’m not sure I do. I loved Grandma. I loved Bryan. But the love Elizabeth feels for Olivia, her adoptive child, is something so deep, so incredible that I can’t relate to it. I can’t help but wonder if I would have felt that way about the child I was carrying. And then I hate myself all over again. Hate myself for the choices I made, the things that I did. Hate myself for not being strong enough, for being so short-sighted that I couldn’t see past tomorrow. When Bryan vanished and Grandma got sick, that was the beginning of the end.

I learned that Grandma was sick about a month after Bryan took off. By that time, I knew I was pregnant but there was no way I was going to tell Grandma and disappoint her. So I did what I always did. Hid it. It was easy to do. Just wore big shirts. I kept thinking that Bryan would come back and whisk me away and we’d be a family, but that didn’t happen. Grandma just got sicker and sicker. And the baby inside of me grew bigger and bigger. I went to the clinic downtown for regular checkups. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do so I didn’t do anything. It was easier that way.

“Sarah,” Grandma moaned from the recliner. “Can you bring me my pain pills?”

I set up the black TV tray with tole-painted roses beside her recliner. I put the remote on the tray along with a box of tissues and a water bottle filled with ice water.

“Here, Gram.” I put the pain pills in her open hand. They looked so big I hoped they wouldn’t get stuck in her throat. She had trouble swallowing big pills. Always did, but now it was even more difficult.

“Can you sit with me awhile?” Grandma asked.

“Sure, Gram.” I sat on the floor next to her chair and laid my head on her thin legs, covered with my old pink and purple comforter that was threadbare in spots.

She brushed my hair with her boney, feeble hands. “I’m sorry, Sarah.”

I looked up at her, taking in her sagging cheeks splattered with age spots and her thin, cracked lips that seemed to be vanishing. She had aged so much in three short months.

“Don’t be sorry, Gram. You can’t help you got sick.”

“I don’t want to leave you. I know where I’m going. I don’t fear dying. But I don’t want to leave you just yet.”

“Oh, Gram,” I said. “You’ll be around another fifty years, and you’ll be just as feisty as
ever.”

Her lips quivered and she managed a slight smile. “I don’t have much, but what I have is yours.”

“I’m not going to sit here, Gram, if you’re going to talk dumb like this. You have pancreatic cancer. It’s not the end of the world. You’ll beat this just like you’ve beat everything else in your life. Aren’t you always telling me to never give up, to keep on going even when things get tough? Isn’t that what you’ve taught me? To fight until there’s no more fight in you.”

As soon as I said it I wished I could take it back, but it was too late. I knew what she was going to say and I didn’t want to hear it.

“That’s just it, Sarah. Your old grandma has no more fight left in her. Been fighting my entire life, and I’m just too damn tired.”

“Sleep, Gram. I’ll be back a little later to check on you.”

Later that night, after her mother has gone to bed, Olivia finds her dad alone in the study. She hears his sobs. He doesn’t realize he has company.

“Dad,” Olivia says. “Are you OK?”

Tom turns around and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. He sniffs. “I’ll be OK, Libby Love. Just worried about your mom.”

Olivia walks over to him and they hug. She notices an open bottle of Scotch on the desk and an empty glass next to it.

“Is Mom going to be all right?” Olivia asks.

Tom kisses the top of her head. “I hope, Lib. I really hope. But we have to be strong for her. Can’t let her know how worried we are. I don’t want her worrying about us when she needs to be taking care of herself.”

“How’s your mom?” Cole asks Olivia when she answers the door the next day.

“Sleeping now. She’s tired a lot.”

“Are you sure you can go out?”

“Yeah. Grandma’s here and Dad will be home soon.”

“Good cause we gotta celebrate.”

Cole flashes his blinding white smile.

Olivia jumps up and down. “You got in.”

“Yep.”

She stands on tiptoe and hugs Cole. “That’s awesome. I hope I get my first choice when it’s time for me to apply to colleges.”

“Any chance you’ll apply to my school?”

Olivia shakes her head. “Need a school with a strong dance program.”

Cole’s shoulders sink. “But I can visit, right?”

Olivia smiles. “Of course.”

She’s happy when Cole talks about the future and refers to both of them. It makes her feel as if he thinks they’re forever like she does.

“Where do you want to go to celebrate?” Cole asks.

“Pizza Palace,” Olivia says.

“Could do Chinese?”

“Nah. Pizza. And then Tropical Treat for an ice-cream cone.”

“You must be hungry,” Cole says.

“You try dancing for six hours and see how tired and hungry you get.”

“You don’t get any breaks?”

“We get breaks, but not long ones and I eat very light because I don’t feel well dancing on a full stomach.”

Olivia leaves to tell her grandma that she and Cole are going.

“Almost forgot,” Olivia says when she returns. “My parents are having my sweet sixteen birthday party at the club. They’ve booked the ballroom and hired a DJ. I need to decide the menu and who to invite. Wanna help?”

“Sure,” Cole says. “How many people are you inviting?”

“Not sure. Dad said to invite whoever I want. So, I’ll be inviting my dance friends and my school friends. And, of course, family.”

“Sounds like it’ll be fun.”

“It’s going to be amazing,” Olivia says.

“What about your mom?”

“Mom insists. I told her we could wait to celebrate until after she’s through with her chemo, but she said to go ahead, that with the party planner they hired she won’t have anything to worry about. The only thing she asked was that we have it on the weekend right before she starts another round of chemo because that’s when she always feels best.”

When I turned sixteen, Grandma took me to this fancy restaurant in the swankiest hotel downtown. It was in the historic district, built in 1925. I remember looking at the menu and having no idea what most of the dishes were. Names like Assiette d’Agneau, Canard Rôti and Bifteck Diane stared back at me.

“There’s no prices on my menu,” I told Gram.

“Shh,” she said. “Don’t worry about the price. This is an extra special day. I’ve been saving a dollar a week for three years so that we could do this. Get what you want. You’re sixteen.”

“But I don’t know what I want because I have no idea what any of these dishes are,” I whispered.

When the waitress came, I asked her to explain the entrees. One was a lamb dish and the other duck. When she said “beef tenderloin” that at least sounded familiar. “I’ll take that,” I said.

I felt like royalty sitting in this dining room with its twenty-foot-high ceilings, ornate brass and crystal chandeliers and wood-paneled walls. A teen about my age walked around with a cold pitcher of water and it seemed like as soon as I took a few sips out of my glass he was beside me filling it up.

“Do you think we’re dressed good enough?” I whispered.

We had worn our best clothes – I had on a blue silk dress that Gram had made me and she wore a floral dress that she only wore for very special occasions – but, compared to everyone else, we looked underdressed. I think the hired help looked better dressed than me and Gram.

“You’re beautiful,” Grandma said. “Only you can make yourself feel inferior. Don’t. Our money is as good as theirs. And, gosh darn it, I’ve saved for three years to eat in this hotel and I’m gonna enjoy it.”

Grandma told me on the taxi ride over — she said she couldn’t afford a limo but a taxi would make us feel just as special — that she had always wanted to eat in this hotel.

“Ever since I was wee little,” Grandma said. “We’d drive by it on our way to market and I’d see all these folks going in there all dressed up in suits and evening gowns. I used to pretend with my friend June that we were attending a ball there. Sort of like Cinderella.”

I smiled. Gram always had a way of making something extra special. And I will never forget that night. We even had dessert.

Grandma got the Panko Crusted Chocolate Cheesecake, which was served warm with balsamic strawberry compote, and I got the Blueberry Upside Down Cake with house-made blueberry vanilla bean ice cream. Gram ordered the Thai Coconut tapioca with spiced mango salsa to go.

She winked. “We’ll enjoy that tomorrow.”

Neither of us said too much on the taxi ride home. We were too stuffed.

“Thanks, Gram,” I said. “That was the best birthday ever.”

Grandma smiled and wrapped her arm around me. “The best birthday for my best girl.”

Chapter 31

“This is amazing,” Delaney said. “The food, decorations, music. It must have cost a mint. And your dress. It’s incredible.”

“Think so?” Olivia twirls around in her black sequin strapless dress.

“Know so.”

“Well, glad you’re having a good time.”

Delaney’s eyes sweep the ballroom decorated in pink and black. Everything is perfectly coordinated, from the white tablecloths accented with fuchsia napkins to the white chair covers with fuchsia sashes to the black glass vases with fuchsia roses on each table. “Good time? How about the most awesome time ever?” Delaney says.

Olivia watches as Jackie pulls Delaney back onto the Italian marble dance floor.

Cole, also dressed in black, bends over to kiss Olivia. “She’s right. This is one hell of a party your parents gave you.”

“I know. Kind of feel bad about it. But it’s what they wanted to do.”

“Well, if they’ve done all this for your sixteenth birthday, I can only imagine what your wedding will be like.”

Olivia bites her lower lip. “I was sort of hoping you’d be there for that.”

Cole smiles and kisses her again.

“There you two are,” Olivia’s mom says. “Dad and I are heading home but you stay and enjoy yourselves. The party planner will oversee everything and make sure all of your gifts are taken back to the house.”

“Are you OK, Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie. Just a little tired. There’s just kids here now and Dad and I figured we’d let you and your friends party without us hanging around.”

Olivia kisses her mom, who’s wearing a silk black dress with a fuchsia headwrap. “Thanks, Mom. It was an incredible party. I will never forget it as long as I live.”

“It did turn out rather well,” Elizabeth says. “I especially liked the candy buffet.”

The party planner had arranged a candy buffet that was filled with every kind of sweet imaginable – from homemade chocolates to hand-dipped cake pops. Each guest was given a tin – custom ordered with Olivia’s picture on it – to take to the candy buffet and fill. It was Olivia’s gift to them.

Olivia’s dad, dressed in a black suit and fuchsia tie, walks up. “I see you found our birthday girl.”

“I was just telling her that we’re going to head home and that she and her friends can stay another hour,” Elizabeth says.

“That OK with you, Lib?” Tom asks.

“Of course, Dad. And thank you for the wonderful party. You’re the absolute best.”

“Nothing’s too good for my little girl,” says Tom, kissing Olivia on the forehead.

“Will you dance with me before you go?” Olivia asks.

“You bet,” Tom says. “What should I tell the DJ to play?”

“Surprise me.”

Tom talks to the DJ and whisks Olivia out onto the floor. The DJ announces that Olivia and her father will dance and the guests clear the area.

Cole sits with Elizabeth and watches. “Daddy’s Little Girl” blares from the speakers and Olivia and her dad float across the floor, from one side to the other and from end to end.

“I would never be able to dance like that,” Cole whispers to Elizabeth.

“Sure you could. It just takes practice. I’m sure Libby would teach you.”

Elizabeth opens her purse and takes out a tissue and dabs her eyes.

“You OK, Mrs. K?”

Elizabeth smiles. “Yes. Happy, that’s all.”

I can’t describe how it felt to watch Tom dance with Olivia. Moments of the two of them over the years flashed before me. Tom holding her for the first time. Tom singing to her. Rocking her. Feeding her. Crawling around on all fours with Olivia on his back. Bringing home yet another stuffed animal. Picking her up and twirling her around as she giggles. Tucking her in bed at night.

Olivia was so lucky to have Tom as a father. If Matt ever held me, I was too young to remember. He never sang to me or rocked me or fed me. Or tucked me in at night. It was Gram who did all that. Gram who was my mother and my father, who even as she lay dying was more concerned about me than about herself.

I realized that that’s the kind of love that can’t be bought or sold. You can’t barter for it or bid on it. It just is. And those who realize the power of love realize that with it, anything’s possible.

“Sarah,” Grandma said one day. “When I’m gone…”

“Don’t talk like that, Gram.”

She looked at me with tired eyes. They seemed to be closed more often than they were open these days. The extra skin on her eyelids sagged more than usual and it seemed as if the wrinkles that creased her face had deepened and multiplied overnight.