The Moment Keeper (24 page)

Olivia shakes and opens her eyes. She sits up and leans over to check the clock on her nightstand. It’s two a.m.

Daisy jumps onto the floor and crawls under the bed to sleep. Olivia goes to the bathroom then crawls back under the satin sheet. She stumbles toward sleep again.

The night continues with one dream after another. The first dream of the night is always the shortest; they get longer and closer together as the night rolls on. It’s obvious what’s on Olivia’s mind.

I never knew until I was a moment keeper how much people dream. We all dream every night. Probably about one dream every ninety minutes. I used to think I didn’t dream at all. Now I know I just didn’t remember them. Olivia woke directly from the elephant dream, so
I’m guessing she’ll remember it. When she wakes from a dream, she usually remembers it.

The alarm goes off and Olivia slaps the sleep button. About a half-hour later, her mom walks in. “Getting up for church?”

Olivia moans. “I hardly slept last night. I’m not going.”

“Remember that Dad and I are having lunch with the Groves afterward at the club.”

“OK. If I’m not here when you get home, I’ll probably be at Lexie’s.”

When I was pregnant, I had this recurring nightmare. I was asleep in my room and I’d hear a baby crying. I’d go to my dresser where a drawer was pulled out as far as it would go without coming off. A baby nestled in blankets was inside the drawer, which had been made into a bassinet. The baby wanted me to pick him up but I couldn’t. Something wouldn’t let me. His cries got louder and louder and the only thing I could do was to shut the drawer so I couldn’t hear him anymore. So that was what I did. But just as I shut the drawer, a baby hand poked through the thin crack and grabbed my hand and I woke up.

I had that dream a lot. Not sure what it meant, but I bet there’s some meaning to it. Maybe it was my unconscious trying to tell me something, but I never figured out what.

“And just when I turned around and faced the audience I morphed into a huge elephant in a pink tutu,” Olivia tells Lexie.

Lexie mashes her lips together. She’s trying hard not to laugh, but she loses it. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh. But you turning into an elephant with a pink tutu is over the top.”

“Tell me about it. I barely slept last night. If I keep dreaming like this, I won’t be able to function.”

“It’s probably your unconscious playing out your fears. You’re obviously upset about how being pregnant will affect dancing.”

Olivia nods.

“It’ll all work out,” Lexie says. “Cole promised he’d stand by you, right?”

Olivia nods.

“And being pregnant doesn’t mean you won’t be able to dance ever again.”

“But it changes everything,” Olivia says. “I had so many plans and now I’ve ruined them all.”

I remember Grandma saying something similar to me, as if it were her fault she got sick.

“Sarah,” Grandma said. “Come sit with me for a while.”

I moved the red, green, yellow and white webbed lawn chair next to her recliner. I kept the chair in the living room for just this purpose – so I could sit as close to Grandma as possible. I could have carried one of the kitchen chairs into the living room, but this worked just fine.

Grandma’s wrinkled hand reached for mine, her hand bones bulging through sun-spotted skin. “I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

“Gram, you didn’t ruin anything. You can’t help you got sick.”

Grandma patted my hands. “But maybe if I’d be a better person this…”

I cut her off. I wasn’t about to listen to her talk dumb. Sometimes, she’d get into these moods where she said things she knew weren’t true. I’m not sure why. Maybe she just needed an excuse.

“Getting cancer wasn’t God’s way of punishing you for some wrong you might have done,” I said. “Besides, you’re the kindest, most gentle person I know.”

“Did I tell you I want the organist to play ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus’?” she asked.

I nodded. “Yes, that and ‘Amazing Grace’.”

She squeezes my hand. “Good.”

“Do we have to talk about your funeral? Can’t we talk about something happy?”

Grandma nods and closes her saggy eyelids, as if she’s trying to remember something and picture it in her mind. “Remember that time we went to that Disney ice-skating show?”

“I remember, Gram.”

“Saved money in that old coffee can for a year so we could go to that show. Sorry I couldn’t afford to take you to Disney World.”

“That’s OK, Gram. I loved the ice show. I still have the magic souvenir wand you bought me at the show. And the pixie dust you made.”

Grandma smiled. “You loved that wand. Always winging it around casting magic spells.”

I had forgotten all about that wand and how I pretended to make everyone’s dreams come true.

“And remember when you wanted to play the violin?”

“Correction,” I said. “You wanted me to play the violin.”

Grandma smiled. “Well, you weren’t very good at it.”

“Gram, I stank.”

We both laughed.

“I remember how special you made all of my birthdays, especially my sweet sixteen,” I said. “Remember how we went to that fancy hotel downtown and ate in that expensive restaurant that didn’t include the prices on the menu?”

Grandma smiled. “Saved a dollar a week for a few years to make that birthday extra special.”

“And it was,” I said. “We felt like royalty eating in that expensive restaurant with those fancy chandeliers.”

Grandma smiles. “I want buried in that floral dress, Sarah. The one I wore that day. Always kept it for special occasions. And meetin’ my maker will be the most special day of all.”

“Gram,” I said. “Can we talk about happy things?”

I sat with Grandma for a while that day, reminiscing about some of our best times together. When I checked on her later, she was dead.

“But you promised. You promised you’d be there for me,” says Olivia, tears exploding from her swollen eyes.

Cole runs his fingers through his dark, curly hair. “I know what I said. But. It’s just that I’m supposed to go to college and…”

“So college is more important than me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“Look, Lib. I love you. You know that. I’m just not ready for this.”

“And I am?”

“I didn’t mean it like that. We’re both not ready.”

“Well, it’s a little too late for that realization. You should have thought about that two months ago when you convinced me to have sex with you.”

Cole punches the bed and stands up. “Damn it, Lib. That’s a cheap shot. You’re not going to pin this all on me. You wanted to do it, too. It’s not like I forced you.”

“Just leave. Leave.”

“I don’t want to leave you like this. I want to talk about our options.”

“Options? There are no options. I’m pregnant. With your child. You don’t want it. You’ve made that clear. Look, this is my problem. Not yours. So just go. Now.”

Cole grabs his varsity jacket and takes two steps toward Olivia before she backs away. “Look, Lib. I can’t talk to you when you get like this. Can we talk later? When you calm down.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. We did it once. Once. And I got pregnant and you want out. Well, I’m giving you your out. There’s the door.”

“Lib, if I could go back in time and change that one moment I would.” Cole walks out the bedroom door and Olivia throws one of Daisy’s squeaky toys at him. The rubber bone hits Cole in the back but he doesn’t turn around.

Olivia flops on her bed and pulls her boney knees up to her heaving chest. She and Cole have never fought that badly before and she feels guilty because she knows he’s right: it was a cheap shot. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was her fault.

She spots her purple fuzzy bathrobe draped over the footboard of her cherry bed. She pulls the belt out and sits up, wrapping it around her right hand. She’s thinking about killing herself, about using her bathrobe belt, wondering if it’s strong enough or if she should use one of the leather belts in her closet. She’s never thought such horrible thoughts before, but she doesn’t know if she can face this alone or hurt her parents so badly.

She slams the bed with her fist. She doesn’t understand why Cole changed his mind. Last night, he promised he would be there for her. Today, he’s having second thoughts.

Olivia wonders how long her parents will be gone. They called after their luncheon with the Groves and asked if Olivia minded if they went with the Groves to some art festival. Said they wouldn’t be home until late. So after Olivia got home from Lexie’s and Cole called and said he had to talk to her right away, she told him to come over.

Cole told Olivia that his parents asked what colleges he wanted to visit before he made his final college decision so they could plan their work schedules around the visitations. He said he kept thinking about how to tell them that he wasn’t going to college. That their dream of him being the first one in their family to get a college education just went up in smoke because he got careless and did something stupid. And how he just couldn’t disappoint them like that. Couldn’t they figure something out, something that would allow him to go to college and Olivia to do the same in a year?

Olivia’s cell phone rings. It’s Lexie. Olivia doesn’t answer it. She doesn’t feel like talking to anyone – not even Lexie. She goes to the kitchen to get a drink and as she pulls the tab on her Diet Pepsi she notices the knife block in the corner of the counter. She walks over to it and pulls a knife out. She examines it and thinks how easy it would be to run it over her wrist. But just as quickly as the thought jumps into her mind it goes away. She pushes the knife back in the slot and sits on the couch. Daisy jumps up beside her and rests her head on Olivia’s thigh. Her tail slaps the back of the sofa and Olivia runs her hand down Daisy’s back.

“I really screwed up this time, girl,” Olivia says. “Mom and Dad are going to hate me.”

Daisy looks up at Olivia and whimpers.

“I just don’t know what to do, Daise. The last thing I want is to hurt Mom and Dad. They always told me that I was the perfect daughter. That we were the perfect family. And what do I do? I screw that up big time. Turns out I’m far from perfect.

“I don’t care what people say about me, but I do care what they say about Mom and Dad. Those people at the club, like the Groves, they’ll probably gossip and say Mom and Dad have a slut for a daughter. That isn’t it a shame that the baby Tom and Liz adopted turned out to be a bad seed. That you never know what you’re going to get with one of those adopted babies. After all, they’re not blood related. Yep, that’s what they’ll probably say, Daise.”

Olivia stretches out on the sofa. Daisy lies in the crack between Olivia’s arm and torso, her head on Olivia’s shoulder. Olivia closes her eyes. She’s tired, so tired, and she just wants to forget. Sleep sounds good.

Chapter 36

“Lib, can we talk?” Elizabeth asks her after school. “You’ve been moping around the house for a week now. Won’t take any of Cole’s calls. Don’t want to see him when he stops by. What’s going on with you two? I’ve never seen you so down.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Olivia says. “Except maybe that I don’t want to do dance anymore.”

Elizabeth drops the jar of mayonnaise she’s holding and it hits the tile floor. The glass shatters and goo splatters everywhere.

“Shit!” She turns around and pulls paper towels from the rack behind her while Olivia grabs the dishcloth from the sink.

Olivia kneels down beside her mom and helps clean up the mess. “Sorry, Mom.”

Elizabeth looks at her. “Lib, let’s clean this up and talk. No buts. No maybe laters. Now. Not wanting to dance when I know that it’s all you ever wanted to do tells me there’s far more going on in your life that I need to know about.”

Olivia rakes her front teeth over her bottom lip and sucks in a breath before parting her lips and releasing it in a heavy sigh. She tries to keep the tears dammed up in her eyes but she’s not strong enough. Tears break through and drown her face.

Elizabeth pulls Olivia up by the arm and leads her to the couch. Olivia buries her face into her mom’s chest and she sobs like a runaway freight train, full of power and too heavy to stop. Her tears soak the front of her mom’s linen blouse.

Elizabeth brushes back Olivia’s golden hair and whispers, “It’s all right. Everything’s gonna be all right. Whatever’s wrong we can fix. It’ll all work out.”

“No, it won’t. I’ve ruined everything. Nothing will ever be all right again.”

“Libby,” Elizabeth says. “Nothing can be that bad.”

“This is. You’ll hate me. Dad will hate me. You’ll never want to see me again. I should just kill myself.”

Elizabeth grabs Olivia’s shoulders and straightens her so they are face to face. Olivia’s bent head bounces she’s crying so hard.

“Look at me,” Elizabeth says.

Olivia doesn’t lift her head.

Elizabeth puts her hand under Olivia’s chin and lifts her head. “Don’t you ever, ever say that. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to your dad and me. The best thing. And there is nothing, nothing in this world that is so bad that we would never want to see you again.”

“I’m pregnant,” Olivia heaves. “It was only one time and things got out of hand and Cole says he’s not ready to be a dad and I’m not ready to be a mom but I’m gonna be anyhow and I want to dance but now I can’t dance and see how I’ve just ruined my life and your life and Dad’s and…”

Elizabeth takes a deep breath and releases a heavy sigh. “I knew it. I just didn’t want to believe it. But all of the signs were there. You throwing up in the morning, being more tired
than usual. Oh, Lib. I just don’t know what to say.”

“Say that you love me, that you don’t hate me.”

“Libby, of course I love you. I could never hate you. Yes, I’m upset. Extremely upset. I thought we had talked about this, had an understanding that when you were ready for this kind of relationship you’d tell me.”

“We did,” Olivia says. “It just happened so fast and… Oh, Mom, it hurt and there was blood and I feel terrible about it.”

Elizabeth hugs Olivia extra tightly. “Everything will be all right, Lib. We’ll work things out. When your dad gets home, we’ll talk. Yes, I would have preferred this didn’t happen until after you finished college and were married, but that’s not the way it is. Life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to or think it should. But we move on. And moving on might mean changing your dreams, or putting them on hold for a while. But, and this is a very big but, you have your dad and me to help you and support you. We love you and there’s nothing we want more than for you to be happy. And sometimes when life hands us unexpected detours, they end up taking us down some pretty awesome roads.”