The Mourning Woods - 03 (41 page)

Ed and Sally both had their guns. That left me. Thinking fast, I reached into one of the ash piles and plucked out a cattle prod. “I am now. Let’s go before anyone else shows up to rain on our parade.”

* * *

As before, I let Sally take the lead. Her nose was better attuned than mine was. I could smell Bigfoot stink all around us, but she could pinpoint the direction from whence it originated. Even without Grulg to show us the way, I had little doubt we’d come across Sasquatch central soon enough. The only question was whether we could do so unseen. Considering that we were armed, I doubted they’d believe we were just out for a morning stroll. People (and other things) are funny that way.

Fortunately, luck was on our side...well OK, it probably wasn’t. I imagined that luck was probably waiting for just the right moment to deliver a massive kick to our teeth. What can I say, my almost-year of being a vampire had made me just a wee bit cynical about these things.

Eventually we came across a fairly well-traveled trail. The number of oversized footprints leading both ways confirmed that we were on the right track. We followed it, trying to look as non-suspicious as possible (and probably failing at it).

As we got closer and still didn’t see any sign of Turd’s followers, my confidence in our plan grew. This time yesterday, the Sasquatch tribe had been mostly asleep. Considering the “big news” that was being bandied about for the conference, I was hedging my bets that the majority of Turd’s followers would either be resting up for tonight’s festivities or off preparing for it. Of course, if we wound up being wrong...well that would be bad.

* * *

“It smells worse than the time Tom and I went to that all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet,” Ed commented.

I had noticed it too. The Sasquatch village was just up ahead. We decided to chance leaving the trail to perform a little reconnaissance. If things looked too hairy (hah, I kill me), we’d bug out, hopefully without being caught.

“There,” Sally whispered. Sure enough, I could see crude huts ahead. All looked quiet. So far, so good.

We found a patch of dense bushes that offered both concealment as well as a good view. We hunkered down and proceeded to watch.

For several minutes, there was little of interest to see. I soon grew bored. I have no idea how cops on stakeout do it. I’d be there for five minutes, see nothing and then radio in, “Looks like he’s innocent,” before driving off to find a donut shop.

I was just about to suggest we either find a new vantage point or start moving in to investigate, when Sally grabbed my arm and pointed.

“What?” I whispered. “It’s just a hut.”

“Watch and learn, stupid.”

“Fine, but I don’t see...holy shit!”

“Pay dirt!” echoed Ed.

On the far side of the village, about a hundred yards away, was an oversized, but otherwise unremarkable, hut. I figured it for maybe barracks or a meeting hall, nothing really interesting. However, there was one decisively odd thing about it...namely the vampire stepping out of it. It was Francois. He was dressed as dapper as ever, holding an umbrella to shield himself from the sun. He looked like a prissy little fuck. If he was a mega-douche, though, he was still dwarfed by the giant shit that followed him...a shit named Turd.

* * *

“Motherfucker,” I gasped.

“We got the asshole,” Sally said, a wicked smirk coming over her face.

“Yep. Ed, get a photo.”

“What?”

“Take a picture.”

“With what?”

“Didn’t you bring your cell phone?”

“Why the fuck would I do that? If you wanted photos you should have brought your own fucking phone.”

Oh, crap.

“Sally?”

“Don’t look at me,” she replied.

“Goddamn it!” I spat.

“Relax,” she said. “Look, they’re leaving.” Sure enough, they started walking off together.

“How cute,” I replied. “It almost looks like they’re on a date.”

Ed remarked, “For Francois’s sake, I hope he’s the pitcher and not the catcher.”

I had to cover my mouth to keep from snorting laughter at that one. Asshole.

Finally, Francois and Turd disappeared from sight, seemingly headed toward Turd’s hut. Who knows, maybe Francois had a real case of jungle fever after all. Unfortunately, that brought on a case of the chuckles again.

“If you’re through amusing yourself, let’s go,” Sally said.

“Go where?”

“Inside there, moron,” Sally said, indicating the large hut. “There might be some proof as to what those two are up to.”

Oh, yeah. I had been so preoccupied with the thought of Francois riding himself some giant monkey meat, I had almost forgotten about that part.

I mentally got back into the game. I felt we were close. I didn’t know what awaited us, but I was sure we were on the precipice of something big. Whatever was inside that dwelling was important enough for Francois to gamble the fate of the world over. Surely, the risk to our lives would be worth it to prevent global Armageddon. I just hoped we didn’t have to find out whether or not that was true.

We took it slow and made our way across the outskirts of the village. No point in fucking this up now when we were so close. Finally, we made it. We emerged from the brush behind our target.

“Should we make a hole?” I said, indicating the back of the building.

“No, it’s clear,” Sally replied. “Let’s try the front door. We just need to be quick about it.”

“OK. Ed, maybe you should stay here and cover our rear.”

“And maybe you should suck my dick. No way am I missing this.”

I glanced at Sally. She gave an unconcerned shrug, then started forward. At the edge of the clearing, she stopped and looked around. Seeing nobody, she crouched down and waved us forward. The three of us crept toward the entrance about twenty feet hence.

I don’t think any of us let out so much as a breath until we were safely inside the dwelling. Once there, we stopped to listen. I didn’t hear any sounds, but just to be safe I turned to Sally. She quickly shook her head, so we continued forward. The back of the entranceway was concealed by a rough curtain of what looked to be various animal pelts stitched together. I pushed it to the side and stepped through. As I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness within, Ed flipped on the flashlight attached to his shotgun.

It wasn’t a barracks or a meeting hall (thank God for that former).

“It’s a warehouse,” I whispered.

“Or a distillery,” Ed said.

Crudely made wooden barrels filled the area, save for the far end. There, large cauldrons rested over a bed of coals.

“Do you smell that?” Sally asked.

“Sasquatch ass?”

“No, besides that. It smells...sweet.”

“Sugar-coated Sasquatch ass?” I ventured, earning myself an eye-roll.

Sally stepped up to one of the barrels. “It’s coming from inside of these.” It was capped, but little things like breaking and entering aren’t a concern for a person such as Sally. Extending her claws, she dug them in until she found purchase, then easily pried the top off.

Ed and I both stepped forward to look. Inside was a thick, viscous liquid.

“What is it?” Ed asked.

“Sally’s right. It does smell sweet.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” he rightly pointed out.

“True enough,” Sally said. “Only one way to find out.” She reached forward and dipped two fingers into the substance. “Hmm, it’s sticky. I wonder...”

“Wonder what?” I asked.

Before either my roommate or I could say anything else, Sally’s other hand shot out and grabbed Ed by the throat. His mouth opened in surprised and Sally jammed her fingers into it.

“There,” she said brightly enough. “Is it what I think it is?”

“What the fuck, Sally?” I growled. “That stuff could be...”

“Syrup,” Ed said simply enough

“What?”

“You heard him, simpleton,” replied a smarmy voice from behind us. “It’s maple syrup. Now kindly step away before you contaminate the whole batch.”

* * *

“So now you know,” Francois said. He and the massive form of Turd stood there, blocking our escape. “The question is what do we do with you now?”

“Ignoring the whole ‘what the fuck are you talking about’ part for the moment,” I replied. “How did you know we were here?”

“
Smelled Tlunta coming,
” Turd answered. Oh, yeah. We forgot about throwing ourselves into Sasquatch crap to cover our scent. Argh! Fucking stupid. On the upside, at least we weren’t caught covered in shit. That would have been fairly embarrassing...not to mention kind of nasty when Sally jammed her fingers into Ed’s mouth.

“Fair enough,” I replied, trying to buy time...for what, I had no idea. “Now we can get back to my main point: what the fuck are you talking about?”

“As if you didn’t know.”

“Actually I don’t,” I said honestly.

“Don’t try and...” Francois stopped and looked thoughtful for just a moment. “You really have no idea?”

“Nope.”

“Me neither,” Sally replied.

“I got nothing,” Ed added.

“
They lie!
” Turd growled, taking a step toward us.

Oh, crap. Even armed as we were, we stood absolutely zero chance against Turd and Francois together. Francois appeared willing to talk, but if Turd decided we needed to die a grisly (and sticky) death, I was willing to bet that Francois would be more than willing to lend a hand.

Thinking quickly, I decided to do what I do best when confronted by deadly hell-beasts...bluff my ass off.

“We’ve already done this dance, Turd,” I snarled, taking my own step forward...coming disturbingly close to being within his reach. “You lost. Try me again and I’ll chew you up and spit you out like the little shit you are.” (Did I just imply that I eat shit?)