The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (32 page)

A man’s erection will also be less firm or will angle down more when he is fully erect. These changes in physical strength are no different from other changes that occur throughout his body. You would not expect to bench-press

While some people now believe that menopause will someday be managed like other hormonal imbalances, it is important to mention that women have been going through menopause for millennia and have continued to have active, satisfying sex lives.

Most men who are over
fi
fty (and

often younger) need

signi
fi
cantly more direct sexual stimulation to get and maintain an erection.

as much weight or run as fast at fifty as you were able to at twenty-five. Still, men’s sense of personal power is closely attached to their penis and its performance in the bedroom. Men feel much more concerned about their penis than they do about their biceps. Therefore, it is worth following some general guidelines for maintaining your sexual health and having some useful techniques to assist you when the engine isn’t exactly running like it used to.

REVVING THE ENGINE

Not only will older men require more direct genital stimulation; they will often take longer to get an erection and to get one again if they ejaculate. For this reason, we suggest you learn a trusty Taoist technique called Soft Entry. All men, not just older men, experience situational impotency, or the inability to get an erection, at various times in their life. One study showed that among men forty to seventy years old, over half had periodic impotence. Situational impotence may happen more often when men get older, and the Taoists knew it was a normal part of male sexuality. Working with nature was the Taoist secret to life, and so they developed the fail-safe Soft Entry technique, in which a man could enter with a soft or semi-erect penis and soon have a very happy and healthy hard-on. In the words of the Taoists, a man can “enter soft, exit hard.”

The Yellow Emperor: “I want to have intercourse, but my penis will not rise. I feel so embarrassed that my perspiration comes out like pearls. In my heart I crave to make love and I wish I could help with my hands. How can I help? I wish to hear the Tao.”

Su Nu, a famous female Taoist sex adviser: “Your Majesty’s problem is a problem of all men.”

Su Nu, the famous Taoist sexual adviser, first taught the Yellow Emperor to relax and try to harmonize with his partner. Taking the situation without fear or blaming oneself or one’s partner is essential. A sense of humor can often help.

Fear, we now know, initiates what is called the adrenaline reflex, often called the fight-or-flight response. When we are afraid our body thinks we need to run or fight for our survival and therefore pumps blood away from our genitals to where it is needed to run or to defend ourselves. While this makes evolutionary sense—better not to have an erection when trying to run from a saber-toothed tiger—it only makes matters worse in the bedroom. So relax

and know that you can actually “help with your hands,” just as the Yellow Emperor had hoped. If you have a more chronic problem getting an erection, we suggest that you read the section in
The Multi-Orgasmic Man
entitled “Snake Charming: Overcoming Impotence.”

Exer cise 28

SOFT ENTRY

1. LUBRICATE: The woman must be fully lubricated. The man should pleasure her until her fluids are flowing heavily. You may also wish to use an artificial lubricant on the vagina and/or penis.
   

2. MAN ON TOP: It is generally easiest for the man to be on top so that gravity helps draw the blood into his penis and so that he has as much freedom to move as possible.
   

3. CIRCLE PENIS WITH THUMB AND FOREFINGER: The man should circle his thumb and forefinger around the base of his penis to form a finger ring. With his ring snugly around his penis, he can push the blood into its shaft and head. This will cause his penis to get firm enough to enter his partner.
   

4. ENTER AND BEGIN THRUSTING: With his finger ring still in place, he should carefully insert his penis into his partner’s vagina and begin thrusting. The finger ring should remain on until he has a hard erection.
   

5. FOCUS ON THE PLEASURE: The man should continue focusing on the blood and sexual energy that are filling his penis and concentrate on the pleasurable sensations of intercourse.
   

6. PARTNER’S HELPING HANDS: His partner can stroke his testicles or push on his perineum (which will stimulate him and cause more blood to enter his penis) or play with his anus (if he likes anal stimulation). She can touch him in any other way that will add to his arousal. She can also kiss him, smile at him, or show her pleasure as he begins to move inside her. As mentioned above, there is no greater aphrodisiac for a man than the sound of his lover in pleasure.
   

7. ADJUST FINGER RING: Adjust the tightness of your finger ring as your penis begins to engorge. (To fill your erection the blood will need to come through your finger ring, so your grip should not be so tight that it prevents blood flow.)
   

8. REAPPLY IF NECESSARY: The man should reapply the finger ring if his erection wanes (although generally the warmth and softness of his partner’s vagina will be enough to keep him hard).
   

   While the Soft Entry technique will help men get an erection and avoid the adrenaline reflex, there are also a few other suggestions that can help in these anxious moments. First, you can try to focus on something erotic that arouses you. These arousing thoughts will crowd out the anxious ones.
   

   In addition, you can focus your attention on your partner’s pleasure and give her oral or manual sex. Focusing on your erection as you wait for it to rise is similar to watching the pot that never boils. Turning your attention to your partner’s pleasure often works wonders, especially if she remembers to give you the genital stimulation that you increasingly need. Finally, talking to your partner about your erection concerns can often diffuse the tension and allow you to redirect your attention to other pleasures that can expand your sexual energy.
   

   While testosterone naturally decreases each year in all men after peaking in the twenties, in some men it can decrease more dramatically, resulting in decreased desire, decreased erections, and shrinking testicles. Should you experience these symptoms, you should consult your physician. Testosterone replacement for men is now fairly simple and effective.
   

   The popular new drug Viagra can also help men who are having erection problems. Taken one hour prior to sex, it improves blood flow to the penis and improves the ability to get and maintain an erection.
   

   If you find that you are impotent all of the time, you should consider the possibility that you may have a physiological problem. Approximately 80 percent of the time complete impotence is the result of a medical problem, many of which can be treated. You should also consult the list of medications at the end of chapter 2, which can often interfere with erection and orgasmic ability. You can do a simple at-home test to see if you have erections in your sleep, as most men do when they are dreaming. Lick a strip of stamps and cir-cle the base of your flaccid penis with them. If you awake the next morning and the stamps are broken, you have had a normal erection. If your stamps are unbroken, you should seek medical help from your physician.
   

   EJACULATION AND AGING
   

   As men age, their urge to ejaculate will generally decrease. In fact, as men age and their sexual urgency decreases they are often capable of delaying ejaculation much longer than in their youth. One of the benefits of this delayed ejaculation as men get older is that they find it easier to become multi-orgasmic. In Marion Dunn and Jan Trost’s recent study, half the men had become multi-orgasmic after the age of thirty-five. These older multi-
   

   

   orgasmic men were all over fifty and going strong. This ability to delay ejaculation can also help older men satisfy their partner.
   9
   

   

   Many men find that they no longer want to ejaculate as frequently as they did when they were younger. This, according to the Tao, is a natural and desirable change. Masters and Johnson also underscored the fact that men do not need to ejaculate every time they make love, especially men over fifty.
   10
   In addition, the force of a man’s ejaculation will decrease and the time it takes him to get another erection (called the refractory period) will be longer as he ages.
   

   As we mentioned in chapter 1, the famed Chinese physician Sun Ssu-miao recommended that men at forty ejaculate no more than once in ten days, men at fifty no more than once in twenty days, and men over sixty not at all. Remember, this does not prevent you from having as many
   orgasms
   as you wish, and when you are able to orgasm without ejaculating, you will rarely long for ejaculation. You will have all the pleasure without the sense of depletion.
   

   Nonetheless, Sun Ssu-miao’s recommendations are just guidelines. The most important measure you should use to determine how often to ejaculate is how your body feels. When you ejaculate, you should feel light and refreshed, invigorated not enervated.
   

   Every few years, you may wish to decrease the frequency of your ejaculation, but listen to what your body tells you. And please remember, if you do ejaculate, do not beat yourself up or blame your partner. Welcome the pleasurable sensations and enjoy them. The loving exchange and joy of lovemaking is much more important than whether you do or do not ejaculate. No man should become rigid or obsessed with the frequency of his ejaculations. The goal of Healing Love is not to master the practice for its own sake but to use the practice for your overall pleasure, health, and spiritual growth.
   

   Sexual Health for Older Couples
   

   We have discussed a number of changes that influence your and your partner’s sexual health as you get older. We have suggested a number of ways to deal with these changes to your sexuality and to keep your love life vibrant and healthy. It is also important to mention that your general physical health is also essential for your sexual health. Cardiovascular problems, for example, are the single greatest cause of impotence in men.
   

   A healthy body and avoiding or reducing cigarettes and alcohol can dramatically improve your chances of having a long, satisfying sex life. Regular
   

   Sex actually increases your sex hormones and your sex drive.
   

   exercise can help prevent and treat serious diseases like high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease, which can seriously compromise your sex life. Exercise has also been shown to increase sex drive in both men and women. Sex itself is an excellent form of exercise. Interestingly, it is also the best way to boost testosterone in both men and women naturally (that is, without taking additional hormones). Sex actually increases your sex hormones and
   

   your sex drive. The more you have sex, the more you want sex.
   

   

   The opposite is also true, that if you go for long periods of time without sex you will have less desire for it. For this reason, you should try to be sexually active as often as possible, ideally at least once a week. If your partner is not available or is ill, you should solo cultivate. Consider it preventative medicine. As Theresa Crenshaw explains, “Both men and women who have sex often when they are younger retain the capacity to do so when they are older. However, after age sixty or so, if either one takes an extended intermission— even for a just a few months—the physical capacity for sex rapidly fades.”
   11
   In short, as the saying goes, “Use it or lose it.”
   

   Finally, it is important to make sure that any prescription drugs that you or your partner is taking do not cause sexual problems. It is estimated that one-quarter of all impotence is caused by prescription drugs that men take for heart disease, high blood pressure, depression, and other medical conditions. These same drugs can also cause sexual problems for women, including decreasing the ability to orgasm. There are often other drugs that will not adversely affect sex drive and may even improve it. Make sure that you ask your doctor explicitly if there are any
   sexual
   side effects to the drugs that he or she is prescribing. A list of the most common offending drugs can be found at the end of chapter 2.
   

   Maintaining the Charge
   

   As we have mentioned above, the hormonal differences between men and women decrease as they get older. In the language of the Tao, as the man becomes more yin and the woman becomes more yang, the energetic polarity between them is reduced. While this can lead to you and your partner becoming increasingly compatible in bed and in your life, it can also reduce the charge or attraction between you.
   

   According to the Tao, our attraction to our partner is partly based on the strength of this yin-yang charge. The stronger the charge, the more intense the passion. The decrease in this charge is one of the main reasons that many relationships become less exciting or arousing. It is also the reason why these
   

   same relationships may experience a rekindling of passion after one partner has been away on a business trip. Separation tends to recharge the polarity. Many couples also find that sleeping in separate beds or rooms for periods of time or permanently can increase their charge and attraction to each other.
   

   When a man ejaculates he loses much of his yang charge, so as a man learns to control his ejaculation, couples find that they often have greater polarity. In addition, the Healing Love practice of learning to circulate and exchange sexual energy will help profoundly in maintaining the electrical charge and sexual passion in your relationship.
   

   

   Finding the W ay
   

   Making Love for a Lifetime
   

   • Be sexual (with your partner or with yourself ) as often as possible, ideally at least once a week, to keep your sexual equipment and hormones primed.
     

   • Touch each other often to keep your oxytocin and affection flowing.
     

   • Make sure the man gets enough genital stimulation.
     

   • Use the Soft Entry technique when needed.
     

   • Make sure the woman has enough lubrication.
     

   • Consider hormone replacement therapy.
     

   • Reduce the number of times a man ejaculates.
     

   • Maintain the sexual polarity between you.
     

   • Avoid cigarettes, alcohol, and prescription drugs that have negative sexual side effects.