The Navy SEAL's Bride (16 page)

“Let go of me.”

Tom didn’t realize, was too angry, didn’t see the tears in her eyes until it was too late.

“Let go!” she screamed, clawing at him, pulling away as hard as she could.

He dropped contact with her as if he’d had hold of a burning ember.

“Caitlin, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I never meant to…”

“Stay away from me. Don’t come
any
closer.”

He could see how scared she was,
of him,
but he stayed still. Did what she asked.

“Caitlin, I’d never hurt you, you know that.”

“Do I?” she questioned, looking so fragile it physically pained him.

He went to move forward but the wildness in her eyes made him stop.

“You better believe that I know exactly how you feel, Tom.”

Imaginary bristles spiked along his back but he stayed put.

“You’re wrong,” he said.

Caitlin shook her head, almost violently. “No, Tom, I’m exactly right. I’m not going to hold my tongue because I can’t admit to you that I
do
know what you’re going through. I know how it feels to walk away from something you love, and I sure as hell know how it feels to lose someone you care about, okay?”

“No.” He wanted to shout at her but he kept hold of his frustration. Just. “No, Caitlin, you don’t.”

“Stop saying that, Tom. Stop and listen for once.” She glared at him. “But don’t you take a step closer to me.”

“Damn it, Caitlin!” he fumed, darkness surging within him. “You don’t understand and you won’t ever understand, got it? What would make you think that you understand what I’ve been through? That you have any idea what it’s like to lose what I’ve lost?”

CHAPTER TWELVE

C
AITLIN
was furious, her head pounding as if it was going to explode. “You’re not my superior, Tom, so don’t think I’m going to say
yes, sir,
and roll over just because you tell me to.” Her body was shaking but she didn’t move. She forced herself to stay strong.

“Caitlin, you know I didn’t mean…”

“Didn’t mean what?” she spat, so angry that she wanted to walk away. But she didn’t, because she wasn’t a coward. She never had been. She would have taken anything, even the worst of beatings, to save her mom from being hurt. “That no one in the world could know how you feel? That what you’re going through is worse than what anyone else has ever felt?”

Tom stared at her, his gaze cold again. It made her stomach turn.

“Grow up, Tom. Just grow up.”

Caitlin turned to leave. She didn’t even care anymore, or maybe she did care too much but she sure as hell wasn’t going to let him know it. She knew every single emotion he’d experienced and then some. Because no matter how much he wanted to pretend otherwise, she did know, and if he took the time to listen to her he’d know it, too. She’d held her tongue too long now, when she should have said something that very first night they’d argued about it instead of letting things go this far without confronting what stood between them. What would always keep them apart. She’d been stupid to put it to one side.

“Caitlin, stop.” His fingers moved then curled into fists at his side again.

“Do you honestly think you’re the only one who’s ever lost someone? Who’s ever had something they love more than heaven and earth stolen from them?” she asked shakily.

Tom looked down, then slowly raised his eyes. “I lost one of my guys out there, Caitlin,” he said, his voice soft, low now. “And when I lost my job it was like I’d lost part of me. Like a vital organ had been taken from my body and I had to figure out how to live without it, without any warning. So yeah, I doubt you or anyone else in my life knows how that feels.”

Caitlin sighed. They could argue all day; he could tell her until he was blue in the face what had happened, why he was behaving the way he was, but he’d never truly understand until she told him. And he needed to understand as much as she finally needed to get what had happened to her off her chest.

She looked out at the coast stretching for miles in front of them, wished they didn’t have so far to drive back. But maybe it was a good thing. Would give her time to calm down and think, to cool off. She shouldn’t have brought the subject up at all, or she should have been honest with him from the start. When he’d noticed her scars that day out hiking, she could have told him. Before they’d become close, before they’d spent the night together and she’d met his family.

“I won a scholarship to the School of American Ballet in New York when I was sixteen,” Caitlin told him, staring at a tree she could barely see, trying to distance herself from what she was saying. “It was just me and my mom, and we didn’t have a lot of money. We’d left my dad after he hit Mom one time too many, and it was the most amazing opportunity.” She looked at Tom, saw that he was listening, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes trained on her. “It was the biggest opportunity of my life. I thought I was going to be the famous ballerina I’d always dreamed about becoming.”

She swallowed the emotion away, tried to push it back and focus on what she was saying. She had a story to tell and she needed to get it out. No thinking about what she’d lost, how hard it had been losing her identity and being alone.

“What happened?”

“It was amazing there. I was doing so well, and I had the most incredible job lined up. I was going to tour the country doing what I loved.”

Tom took a step closer, touched her arm. Caitlin didn’t shrug him off this time.

“I was dating an army guy. Things started out so nice. I thought he was charming and kind, but it didn’t take too long before…” She wasn’t going to describe the ways he’d hurt her. How he’d abused her.

“Did he—” Tom paused “—hurt you?”

She nodded. “Yeah, he did. He was violent, just like my dad.”

A wildness grew behind Tom’s gaze, as if a fire had been lit within him and he was glowing with the rage of it. “You know I would never,
never
hurt you Caitlin. You know that, right? Please tell me you’re not scared of me?”

She wanted to tell him that, but it was hard to trust him. Hard to believe, when you’d had a father and then a boyfriend think they were tougher and stronger than the women they were with, and want to prove it, that another man could be gentle. Could commit to never raising a hand in anger or wanting to fight other men. It was something she would never forget, would always be traumatized by.

“You’ve already hurt me by not listening, Tom,” she said, her voice low, on the verge of cracking. “You need to understand that you’re not alone in how you feel.”

She could see him struggling, not wanting to admit that anyone could know what he’d been through, but he stepped closer again, this time wrapping his arms around her from behind, holding her.

“Tell me what happened,” he asked. “I need you to tell me.”

Caitlin leaned back into him and shut her eyes. “He’d been drinking, but I didn’t know until it was too late. I was already in the car. He’d come to pick me up after a show in the city and I’d been planning on breaking it off. As soon as I knew he was violent, I had no intention of him ruining my life, of holding me back.” She paused. “When I told him I wanted to get out, he only got more angry, and before I knew it we’d hit another car and I couldn’t move my legs.”

Tom held her tighter and she squeezed away tears. She’d never spoken about it, not truly, to anyone.

“It took me six months to recover fully from the accident, but at the time I wanted to die. I couldn’t see what the point of living was if I couldn’t dance, because it was my whole life.”

Tom pushed her away slightly before turning her to face him, holding her at arm’s length. “But I’ve seen you dance. What happened?”

Caitlin shook her head slowly from side to side. “I can dance enough to teach because I spent hours and hours trying to regain my strength and ability, but the damage to my left leg meant I could never dance to the same level again.” She walked away, needed some distance. “So when I tell you I know what it’s like to have your body fail you, to have to give up the one thing in the world that makes you who you are, you need to start believing me.”

She tried not to choke on her tears, because it still hurt. It hurt because what she loved had been stolen from her through no fault of her own. It hurt because she’d trusted a man she should have run a mile from, and he was responsible for what had happened to her.

And now she was hurting because she’d been so close to letting someone else in after all these years, and he was on the verge of hurting her badly, too. It
hurt
to remember, to talk about it, but she needed to get it out. After so long keeping her past to herself, she was ready to open up.

“Caitlin, I’m sorry, I wish I’d listened to you.”

She smiled at him over her shoulder, trying to be brave and failing. “Me, too.”

He stopped moving, became immobile. “Please tell me you’ll give me a second chance,” he said, eyebrows creased. “I know I should have…”

Caitlin put her hand up, fingers touching the air. “I’ve heard a lot of
should haves
over the years, Tom,” she told him, needing to get everything off her chest here and now, not wanting to leave anything else unsaid between them. “I had a dad who let me down time and time again until he eventually gave up and left me alone, and I had a boyfriend do the same thing to me. So when I tell you that I don’t need to be hurt again, I mean it.”

“I haven’t always been like this, Caitlin. This—” he threw his hands up in the air “—everything that’s happened changed me. I used to be the guy wanting a wife and a family, and now I can’t even figure myself out, let alone be there for anyone else.” He paused, looking defeated. “I’m embarrassed by my behavior and I’m sorry. I want to protect you, not hurt you. I know it might be hard for you to believe, but it’s true.”

Tears stung her eyes. He was being honest, brutally honest, and she couldn’t blame him for that. But it hurt. Damn it, it hurt! Because at one stage she’d thought that maybe, just maybe, he could be the guy for her. That he was capable of giving her what she so badly wanted in a man.

“Do you know the difference between you and me, Tom?” she asked, even though it pained her so badly it was like carving a hole through her chest.

He shook his head, waiting for her response.

“You have people around you who love you. They love you so much,” she said, wiping at her eyes with the back of one hand. “You have a mom who’d do anything for you, a brother who loves you, a sister-in-law and a niece. You know who I had?”

Tom took a step toward her, but she stepped back, not letting him any closer.

“I only had
me,
Tom.
Me
.” She put one hand over her heart. “My dad was out of the picture, my mom died before she ever saw me dance again, and none of my New York friends cared enough to look out for me after the accident.”

Tom looked at the ground, scuffed his feet in the dirt. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, so am I,” she said, not bothering to fight the tears now, letting them wet her cheeks. “You have no idea how lucky you are, how great your life is. What happened to you is awful, it
sucks
, I get that, but you’re going to be fine.”

Tom reached out, fingers skimming hers. “Why does this feel like you’re about to say goodbye?”

Caitlin shut her eyes, squeezed away the tears before braving a smile. “Because it is goodbye, for now anyway.” She took a shuffled step backward, and then another, before turning and walking away from him. She kept her shoulders squared, back straight, proud of herself for being so strong.

“Caitlin, I’m sorry.”

She didn’t stop, only held her head higher, forcing the distance between them before turning and giving him one last look, saying the words that needed to be said. “I have to go, Tom. You need to figure out what’s going on in your life before I can ever consider letting you become a part of mine.”

Caitlin heard him call out again, but she kept moving forward, focused on putting one foot in front of the other, even thought it hurt like hell and she probably should have been on crutches. It was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, but it was also the right thing.

Tom meant something to her; it was the only reason this hurt so bad, but it was also the reason she’d had to be honest, and why she had to walk away.

Maybe he’d never seek her out again, and she wouldn’t hold it against him if he didn’t, but the thought of never ever seeing him again made something within her break.

She’d get back to the road and figure out how to get home. She didn’t want his help, and she didn’t want to be coddled as though she was in danger of breaking. After all these years with only herself to count on, she wasn’t useless and she didn’t want anyone to pity her, not ever.

Especially not Tom.

* * *

Tom watched her go but he didn’t move. Couldn’t. Even thought it hurt him to see her limp off like that, made him want to run to her side and help her, to be there for her.

She was right. She was so damn right.

How could he have been such a jerk? Behaved as he had, when Caitlin had faced the same type of heartache, gone through so much in her life? If he’d only listened to her, given her the time and respect she deserved, she’d still have been standing beside him right now.

He was supposed to be able to read people, to understand situations and figure out how best to proceed. It had been what he’d trained for all these years, what he’d always been good at. He was meant to
protect and serve.

But instead he’d stuffed up the one good thing he had going for him right now. Just because he hadn’t wanted to meet anyone, because he didn’t feel ready for the things he’d once craved, like a woman in his life and a future, being a father, didn’t mean he could let Caitlin go. Couldn’t let his demons get the better of him and regrets ruin his life.

Seeing Caitlin walk away was almost as hard as saying goodbye to his career.

And that told him everything he needed to know.

Tom turned away, refusing to watch her retreating figure any longer, and instead started to run. She wanted to be alone and she’d made it clear that she was used to being independent, so right now he needed to do what he was good at. Burn energy, push his body to the limit. What he needed to do was sprint until his lungs were burning so hard he could barely breathe, and his mind was so exhausted he wouldn’t be able to think.