The No-cry Potty Training Solution (15 page)

William is thirteen.

As clearly demonstrated by my friend’s story, the goal to achieve nighttime dryness should
never
be part of potty training. The development of nighttime urinary control is a biological process. You cannot teach it, and a child cannot control it. Not only is it cruel to punish children for bed-wetting, but such treatment might make the situation worse. It can cause a child to suffer in silence, hiding wet pajamas and bedding. It can cause psychological trauma or create long-term sleep problems, as in William’s case.

As children grow and develop, so does their ability to control their bladder. There is a wide range of “normal” for when a child achieves nighttime control. Bed-wetting, called enuresis (“en-yur-EE-sis”), is common among young children, with a higher percentage of boys than girls. Because almost half of all three-year-olds and up to 40 percent of four-year-olds wet the bed several times a week, it is considered normal behavior at these ages. Additionally, 20 to 25 percent of five-year-olds and 10 to 15 percent of six-year-olds don’t stay dry every night.

Bed-Wetting

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By the age of nine, only 5 percent of children wet the bed, and most of those children do it only once a month. As children get older, fewer and fewer have bed-wetting accidents. In the majority of cases, the problem goes away even when parents don’t use any special treatment for the condition, and with the small percentage of children who do need help, treatment is relatively simple.

The most common reasons for bed-wetting in a

young child are due to his physiology. Your child’s kidneys aren’t sending a signal to his brain when he’s asleep, his brain is too deeply asleep to hear the signals, his bladder hasn’t grown large enough to contain a full night’s supply of urine, or his system overproduces urine at night. As children grow, all of these conditions self-correct.

Bed-wetting is also hereditary, so if one or both parents were bed wetters, a child has about an 80 percent chance of doing the same. Diabetes, food sensitivities (specifically to caffeine, dairy products, fruit, and chocolate), some medications, or other health conditions can contribute to nighttime bladder-control issues. On occasion, bed-wetting can be a symptom of a sleep disorder, so if your child exhibits other signs, such as snoring or restless sleep, you may want to investigate this possibility.

It Is a Natural, Biological Process

No child chooses to wake up cold and wet. Bed-wetting almost never happens because a child is lazy or dis-obedient. Just like learning to walk or learning to talk, 100

The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

there’s a wide range of “normal,” and, like other milestones, every child achieves nighttime dryness on his own time schedule. There’s no reason to rush the process.

For a bed-wetting toddler or preschooler, the solution is simple: allow your child to sleep for naps and nighttime in a diaper, padded training pants, or disposable absorbent underpants until he begins to stay dry during naps and all night long.

How Do You Know When It’s Safe to

Go Diaperless?

When your child has been sleeping dry for a week or more, it may be safe to try a night or nap without diapers. Be prepared for occasional accidents at first. A good idea is to double-make the bed. (Use a waterproof pad atop the bed sheet, and then cover this with a second sheet that can be easily removed if your child wets during the night.) Keep a spare pair of pajamas close by.

Some children seem to know when a diaper is on

their bottoms and use it instead of making a nighttime or early-morning visit to the toilet. If your child is daytime independent and you think that she may be ready to go without a diaper during sleep, go ahead and give it a try, if she’s willing. As an experiment, have your child go diaperless, sleeping atop a waterproof pad and double-made bed, to see how she responds. You (and she) might be pleasantly surprised by a dry bottom and a dry bed in the morning.

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How to Help Your Child Stay Dry

While it’s not necessary to work on nighttime dryness when your child is at the toilet training age, you can help a child who
wants
to stay dry at night by doing the following:

• Make sure that your child uses the potty often during the day, about every two hours. This encourages normal bladder function and can help with

nighttime dryness.

• Direct your child to use the bathroom if it’s been two hours or if you see signs of the need, such as squirming, wiggling, crotch holding, or dancing.

• Avoid providing any food or drinks that act as stimulants, such as chocolate, sugar, and caffeine, particularly in the several hours before bedtime.

• Encourage adequate daytime liquids, and limit liquids for an hour or two before bedtime. You don’t need to cut out liquids entirely, because this only reduces the amount of nighttime urine, it doesn’t stop the reasons for bed-wetting.

• Make several trips to the bathroom before bedtime—one at the beginning of your bedtime rou-

tine and once again at the very end, just before lights out. Make certain that your child finishes emptying his bladder by relaxing on the toilet for three to five minutes. An egg timer can help your child know how long to sit. You can keep him

company and talk, read a book, or tell a story.

Make this part of your bedtime routine.

• Avoid having your child wear diapers or absorbent pull-ups to bed, and use a special mattress cover

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The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

Hannah, two years old

instead. Absorbent pants or diapers can sometimes delay the normal development process because a

child can’t feel when urination occurs, and it may also give him a subconscious message that it’s OK

to urinate in bed because he’s wearing his pull-ups.

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• Use positive reinforcement with a sticker chart to help your child monitor his success.

• Keep a night-light on so the path to the bathroom will be well lit, and give your child permission to use the bathroom during the night if he needs to.

Just the subconscious message may help.

• Avoid placing any blame on your child, and don’t make him feel guilty or ashamed. Let him know

that wetting during sleep is normal and will take time to change.

When Should You Seek Help?

According to the National Kidney Foundation, you only need to talk to a doctor about bed-wetting if your child is six to seven years of age or older or if there are other symptoms of a sleep disorder (such as restless sleep or snoring). However, if your child is younger than six but bed-wetting is causing either her or you distress, or if you also see daytime toilet problems, you should talk about your concerns with your pediatrician or another professional.

Many young children who are dry at night for a long period of time begin to wet the bed again. This is sometimes caused by stress or a time of change in their life, or sometimes this is due to a medical reason, such as a bladder or kidney infection. If your child suddenly has a change in her nighttime or daytime bladder or bowel habits, it’s a good idea to check with your health care provider to make sure she doesn’t have an infection or another health issue.

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The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

With children for whom bed-wetting is a problem, help is a phone call away. A specialist can help you solve the issue with the use of a bed alarm, bladder-training exercises, diet changes, therapy, or medication.

You can call your usual health care provider, your local hospital, or the National Kidney Foundation for a recommendation.

Don’t Worry

There are plenty of things we parents must worry about and strive to change, but usually, during the toddler and preschooler years, bed-wetting isn’t one of those things.

All you have to do is be patient. In time it’s very likely your child will be dry at night without your having to be involved in a solution at all. And if your child continues to wet the bed after kindergarten, know that it is not his fault, and it can be solved respectfully with the help of a professional.

7

Solving Common Toilet

Training Problems

Even if you’ve been thoughtful, patient and organized, toilet training may not go according to plan. There are lots of typical problems that crop up during the training process. The most common problems are training resistance, excessive accidents, refusal to have a bowel movement on the potty, constipation and setbacks. The best place to begin is to contemplate the most usual reasons for toilet training problems and see if you can’t figure out the cause of the difficulty. Review the list on the next page to identify your areas of concern (you may have several), and then review chapters 2 through 4 with your insight. This chapter will provide specific ideas and solutions for the problems that these situations cause during the potty training process.

Solving Any Toilet Training Problem

The first step to solving any problem is to take a deep breath and repeat after me: “My child
will
learn how to use the toilet. They all do. This too shall pass.” More than 98 percent of children master daytime toileting by the age of four, and with patience and the right plan of action, your child will get there, too.

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The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

The Most Common Reasons for Toilet

Training Problems

• The child is not ready (lacks the appropriate physical skills).

• The child is not ready (emotionally, socially, or behaviorally).

• The child doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do (communication).

• The child has become too distracted with something else to care about going potty.

• The child is bored with training.

• The child is fearful of, or uncomfortable with, some aspect of training.

• There is a power struggle between the child and the parent.

• There’s too much stress and pressure surrounding the process.

• The parent has unrealistic expectations.

• The parent is not following a toilet training plan; it’s hit or miss.

• The parent is not ready (lacks time, patience, or desire to carry out a plan).

• The parent and caregiver don’t agree on a plan and are sending mixed messages.

• The parent is confusing normal accidents with failure.

• The routine doesn’t match the child’s elimination pattern.

• The approach used doesn’t suit the child’s learning style or personality.

• The approach used doesn’t suit the parent’s

personality or teaching style.

• There is a physical or medical deterrent (such as constipation, infection, or uncontrolled allergies).

Solving Common Toilet Training Problems

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Another important concept to understand is that you can lead a child to the potty, but you can’t make her fill it. This is your child’s undertaking, not yours. You can teach her, you can prepare the necessary tools, and you can be positive and supportive, but—perhaps for the first time in her young life—the ultimate result is 100

percent in her power.

Keep your perspective. Three of my children are now teenagers, and I’m dealing with driving, dating, the yearn for freedom, high school graduation, and college applications. I can tell you that to me, potty training sounds like a big piece of chocolate cake. With a side of ice cream. Sprinkled with chocolates! Perhaps even more surprising is that when I try to remember potty training my
kindergartner
, I have a hard time recalling the details—it seems like ancient history. Trust me when I say that a year from now, this will all be ancient history to you, too, and you’ll be on to new and interesting parenting adventures.

So, how do we get you from here to there? First, examine the previous list of common reasons for toilet training problems and try to figure out which ones are getting in the way of successful toileting mastery for your child. Once you have a handle on those basic reasons, it will open up your mind to all kinds of new solutions. Then read over any of the topics that follow that match your issues.