The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (5 page)

and symptoms at various ages.

The development of separation anxiety indicates that your child is

developing intellectually. She has learned that she can have an effect

on her world when she makes her needs known, and she doesn’t have

to passively accept a situation that makes her nervous or uncomfort-

able. She doesn’t know enough about the world yet to understand

that when you leave her you’ll always come back or that other adults

are capable of meeting all her needs, as you do. She does realize that

she is safest, happiest, and best cared for with you, so her reluctance

to part from you makes perfect sense—especially when viewed from

a survival standpoint. Put another way, you are her source of nour-

ishment, both physical and emotional; therefore, her attachment to

you is her means of survival, and when she reaches a certain level of

intellectual maturity, she realizes this.

This stage, like so many others in childhood, will pass. In time,

your child will learn that she
can
separate from you, that you
will
All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
5

return, and that everything will be okay between those two points in

time.

What Determines a Child’s Level of

Separation Anxiety?

Even though most children show signs of separation anxiety at some

point in their lives, you cannot predict how or when yours will dem-

onstrate it. The timing and intensity of any individual child’s signs

and symptoms vary, depending on a number of factors, including the

following:

• The consistent availability of a secondary caregiver with

whom the child has a familiar relationship and a loving bond

• The familiarity of the location and situation in which you

leave her

• The number and quality of previous separation experiences

• Cultural norms (what is typically done in the society in which

she lives)

• Family routines (what is normal for her primary home and

extended family)

• The child’s temperament and personality

• The parent’s personality and parenting style

What Is Stranger Anxiety?

Stranger anxiety is a form of separation anxiety that directly relates

to people rather than places or actions. It is based in the same emo-

tions that surround separation anxiety—the fact that a child’s main

caregivers represent safety and security, and unfamiliar people repre-

sent fear of the unknown. The anxiety is caused by the child’s inabil-

ity to predict what the stranger is about:
What will this person do or

say? What is this person’s place in my world? Will this person take me

away from my mother, father, or familiar caregiver? Can this person take

care of me? Will this person endanger me or keep me safe?

Your infant may be outgoing and smile at everyone who talks

to her. A few months pass, and suddenly she has a drastic change

6

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

in reaction to new people. She’ll cling to you and cry if a stranger

even so much as says hello! What happened to your confi dent baby?

She’s reached an important milestone in human development. She

is demonstrating that you’ve done a great job taking care of her.

The stranger anxiety your baby is experiencing is a testimony to the

strength of her attachment to you.

At What Age Does Stranger Anxiety Normally Appear?

Attachment and bonding, the two components of stranger and sepa-

ration anxiety, begin to develop right from birth. A newborn enters

the world with no understanding of the people in it. During months

two through six, your baby learns general rules about people. In most

cases, those rules demonstrate that people respond to his needs with

those things he requires to survive and thrive. Between months fi ve

and nine, sometimes earlier, a baby begins to clearly differentiate

between people. She begins to identify familiar people, and all the

rest become—
strangers
. Babies respond differently to this revelation,

some displaying curiosity, some expressing caution, and some having

an intense aversion to anyone beyond the most familiar circle of fam-

ily. All of these reactions are normal; so are most variations of these

extremes.

How Long Does Stranger Anxiety Last?

Many professionals state that stranger anxiety peaks at between

twelve and eighteen months and then tapers off. But my research

tells me that it seldom disappears so early or so easily. Frequently, children go through spurts of separation and stranger anxiety up

until age seven or eight. This anxiety looks different at different ages,

and the leap from stranger anxiety to outgoing social butterfl y isn’t

an overnight event; it is a process.

Your child may seem rather unpredictable and moody—sometimes

accepting a new person as a potential friend, other times hiding his

face in your shoulder if someone tries to engage him in conversa-

tion, and sometimes melting down in tears if someone tries to hold

or touch him. Over time, he will begin to learn that talking to new

people is a safe endeavor and usually a fun thing to do, and he’ll wel-

All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
7

Stella, two years old

come meeting someone new. Keep in mind that this transition takes

longer for some children than others, and your patience is important

as he works though this stage in his life.

What Can I Do to Help My Baby Through This Stage of

Development?

Although stranger anxiety is normal and healthy, and although it

may linger for quite some time, it’s still a good idea to help your child

move through this phase. Life is more fun if she can learn to be com-

fortable with new people. It can help you to shift your child’s way of

thinking from separation as a process of moving
away
from you to

separation as a step
toward
connection with other human beings.

The ideas in this book address all aspects of separation anxiety,

which includes the subset of stranger anxiety, because it’s sometimes

hard to differentiate between the two. Therefore, most of the ideas

presented here will help your child adapt in situations of both separa-

tion anxiety and stranger anxiety.

8

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

How Do I Know if My Child Has

Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety has many different symptoms, but it is often easy

for parents to spot in their own child. The following behaviors are

most typically used to defi ne normal separation anxiety:

• Clinginess

• Crying when a parent is out of sight

• A strong preference for one parent over all other human

beings

• Fear of strangers or of family or friends who are not frequently

seen

• Resistance to separation at bedtime or naptime

• Waking at night crying for a parent

• Regression to an earlier stage of development (such as thumb

sucking, toileting accidents, baby talk)

• Anxiety that dissipates quickly when a parent appears

Father-Speak

“I was really worried about our son. He clings to his mother

constantly. If she leaves the room, he wails and screams as

if she’s left the country. When I mentioned this to the other

dads at my daughter’s baseball game, I heard that their kids all

did the same thing at one time or another. Since I learned that

it’s normal, I’m no longer alarmed at his behavior.”

—Adam, father of one-year-old Seth and six-year-old Claire

Children are unique in their personalities, yet they are often simi-

lar in many ways when it comes to displaying characteristics of anxi-

ety. I surveyed my group of 246 test parents to learn more about the

symptoms their children experienced. The following chart summa-

rizes what they said.

Separation Anxiety Signs, Symptoms, and Behaviors*

Usually

Sometimes Never

Total

Symptoms/Signs

Age

exhibits

exhibits

exhibits**

exhibiting signs

Cries when parent leaves the room

6–11 months

25%

38%

12%

63%

12 months–2 years

5%

21%

26%

2–3 years

3%

11%

14%

All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood

3–5 years

2%

5%

7%

Cries when parent leaves the house

6–11 months

33%

18%

18%

51%

12 months–2 years

11%

27%

38%

2–3 years

5%

11%

16%

3–5 years

2%

6%

8%

Clings to parent

6–11 months

33%

29%

9%

62%

12 months–2 years

8%

20%

28%

2–3 years

5%

10%

15%

3–5 years

3%

7%

10%

Follows parent from room to room

6–11 months

28%

19%

9%

47%

12 months–2 years

7%

22%

29%

2–3 years

5%

9%

14%

3–5 years

4%

4%

8%

Fears strangers

6–11 months

13%

21%

56%

34%

12 months–2 years

8%

10%

18%

2–3 years

6%

9%

15%

3–5 years

2%

6%

8%

9

*As indicated by test parents who completed the survey

**Includes all age groups

continued

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution © Better Beginnings, Inc.

10

Separation Anxiety Signs, Symptoms, and Behaviors* (continued)

The No-Cry Sep

Usually

Sometimes Never

Total

Symptoms/Signs

Age

exhibits

exhibits

exhibits**

exhibiting signs

Acts shy around strangers

6–11 months

31%

20%

15%

51%

12 months–2 years

7%

19%

26%

2–3 years

7%

14%

21%

3–5 years

6%

12%

18%

ara

Prefers mother to everyone else

6–11 months

52%

21%

13%

73%

tion Anxiety Solution

12 months–2 years

16%

10%

26%

2–3 years

11%

8%

19%

3–5 years

4%

9%

13%

Refuses to fall asleep without a

6–11 months

53%

19%

24%

72%

parent present

12 months–2 years

18%

31%

49%

2–3 years

17%

21%

38%

3–5 years

9%

16%

25%

Won’t leave parent’s side at play-

6–11 months

12%

14%

59%

26%

ground, public place, or playmate’s

12 months–2 years

9%

19%

28%

home

2–3 years

5%

11%

16%

3–5 years

3%

9%

12%

*As indicated by test parents who completed the survey

**Includes all age groups

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution © Better Beginnings, Inc.

All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
11

I asked the test parents to pick words to describe
their emotions

over their child’s separation anxiety. Following are the percentage of

respondents picking a particular word:

90% Frustration

70% Sadness

70% Sympathy

60% Confusion

60% Concern

50% Worry

40% Anger

30% Embarrassment

20% Irritation

15% Acceptance

Separation Anxiety Is Fluid

Separation anxiety doesn’t have a specifi c beginning nor does it

have an exact end. It doesn’t build in predictable, identifi able ways.

It shows itself in peaks and valleys—good days and bad days, good