The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (8 page)

‘Peek-a-boo!’ just like she does when we play the game.”

—Mark, father of nineteen-month-old Madison

Play the Bye-Bye Game

This game expands object permanence lessons to include the typical

words and gestures we use when leaving and returning. It helps your

baby learn the concepts of “hello” and “bye-bye” and demonstrates

what these phrases represent.

This is how to play: Say, “Bye-bye” (or whatever words or phrases

you typically use when leaving your child) and duck behind a corner

or a piece of furniture. A few seconds later, pop out and say, “Hi!” (or

your usual welcoming phrase). Continue to play this game daily—

staying hidden for longer periods of time. You can expand the game

to include times when you leave the room to shower, do laundry,

24 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

or make dinner. You can also let your baby have a turn at hiding.

Once your little one is used to the coming and going and the typical

gestures and phrases you use, then it should make your actual separa-

tions a little bit easier.

Practice with Quick, Safe Separations

During the Day

Over the course of your usual days together take opportunities to

expose your baby to a few brief, safe visual separations. This process

is particularly useful for the little superglue children who need you to

be within arm’s reach at all times.

Begin by getting your child interested in a toy, a game, or another

person. When your little one is happily engaged in play, walk away

slowly, and go briefl y into another room. Whistle, sing, hum, or talk

as you go and when you are out of sight so that she knows you’re still

there, even though she can’t see you. If she seems nervous at fi rst,

then stay away just for a moment and slowly expand the times you

step out.

Carry out these brief separations off and on throughout the day

in a variety of different situations. Start with just a few minutes and

gradually build the length of separation time. (Never leave a child

unsupervised, unless she is in a child-safe location, like a crib, and

even then, just for short periods of time.)

Avoid an In-Arms Transfer

It’s common to hand a baby from one caregiver to another. The

problem with this is that your little one is leaving the safety and

warmth of your arms and being physically whisked away to another,

less-familiar person. This type of parting is almost physically painful

for children. It is the ultimate separation anxiety producer.

To avoid the arms-to-arms transfer, make the change with your

baby situated in a neutral place, such as playing on the fl oor or sit-

ting in a swing, high chair, or baby seat. Have the other caregiver sit

No-Cry Solutions for Babies and Toddlers
25

next to your baby and engage her attention as you say a quick, happy

good-bye and leave. As soon as you are gone is the best time for the

caregiver to pick up your child. The advantage here is that the care-

giver will be put in the position of rescuer—and that can help build

his relationship with your baby.

Don’t Be Afraid of Babying Your Baby

It is honorable and considerate for you to respect your child’s needs.

Separation anxiety is a biologically necessary emotion and a sign of

deep love and attachment. All children move through this phase

in their own way and on their own timetable. Pushing your child

to separate from you despite his protests is not a productive way to

encourage his independence and, in fact, might exacerbate the situa-

tion, making your child even more fearful to part from you.

Mother-Speak

“If my son doesn’t want to be separated from me, it is for a

reason, and I am happy to meet the needs that he has. He is

only two years old! In the blink of an eye, he will be a big boy

who doesn’t want Mummy around. Although I fi nd separation

anxiety hard to deal with, I don’t see it as a permanent state of

being. He is only going to be little for a while, and if he needs

all of me right now, he can have me.”

—Lana, mother of two-year-old Lior

Permit your child to slowly develop independence on his own

schedule and in his own way. Allow your little one some clinging

time when you can. Respond to your baby’s cry—even if he’s fed,

changed, and unhurt—even when his only need is to be held. Don’t

worry about spoiling him with your love and attention, since quite

the opposite will happen. The more that you meet his attachment

needs during early childhood, the more confi dent and secure he will

grow up to be.

26 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Professional-Speak

“There was an old theory that if you always picked up a child

who was crying, then the child would learn to cry in order to

get picked up, and the child would eventually cry more. We

have found that exactly the opposite occurs: Children who are

repeatedly, regularly, and consistently picked up and soothed

when they cry end up crying less.”

—Penelope Leach, author of Your Baby & Child

Minimize Separations When Possible

It’s perfectly acceptable to avoid those situations that would have you

separate from your child in the midst of a separation anxiety stage.

Some people will try to convince you that it is important (maybe

even
critically
important!) for you to force your child to deal with

separations. The reality here is that no study has proven that a child

who is forced to face this fear head-on will overcome it more easily

or quickly than one who is allowed to adjust according to his own

time frame. On the contrary, it makes far more sense to work with a

child’s needs to gently and lovingly nudge him toward the goal.

In situations where there is a choice and you don’t feel compelled

to make the separation, then don’t. All too soon, your child will

move past this phase and on to the next developmental milestone.

On the other hand, there are many days when the timing is right

for separation, and your child is set up to be left in kind, capable

Key Point

There is no scientifi c proof that pushing a young child to sepa-

rate from his mother, father, or other primary caregivers bene-

fi ts his development. Quite the opposite is true: research tells

us that healthy, strong attachments to primary caregivers in

early childhood affect a child’s behavior, development, and

social relationships in very positive ways.

No-Cry Solutions for Babies and Toddlers
27

hands. When that is the case, use the gentle ideas presented through-

out this book to help him adjust to periods of separation.

Let Your Child Enjoy Some Quiet “Alone

Time” in the Crib or Bed

Many children wake up after a nap or in the morning and are con-

tent to look around the room, play with a toy, or daydream. Many

parents are unaware that their child
can
do this, because the minute

they hear a peep, they run to retrieve her. I suggest that you walk a

little slower next time. Listen carefully to your child: Is she calling

to you or fussing for attention? Or is she just waking up to her world

and taking a few quiet minutes for herself? If she seems content, then

keep an ear on her, but allow her this personal time.

Many parents believe that tending to a baby’s needs—which you

should always do—means that their baby can never be awake
and

alone
.
While having roots in good parenting philosophy, you need to

know that a child
can
enjoy alone time to learn that she can be her own

best company. Far from being neglectful, this is a lovely gift that you

can give your child. This confi dence can be a very handy tool that she

can use to ward off feelings of separation anxiety in other situations.

Tell Your Child What to Expect

Even if you think your little one is too young to understand, get in

the habit of telling him where you’re going and when you’ll be back.

You don’t have to tell him too far in advance—a baby or toddler won’t

understand or retain information about next weekend, for example.

However, letting him know what to expect an hour or two before it

happens, and then again as you are getting ready to leave is a good

practice. “I’m going to the store soon. You’ll be here with Grandma.”

Give him an idea of when you will return. Use an indicator he can

understand, such as “I’ll be back after lunch.” Do this even with a

preverbal baby, because eventually he will understand.

This same idea is useful if your child is going to be left somewhere,

such as daycare, the church nursery, or the gym child-care center.

28 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Chat about what’s going to happen in the car or bus on the way to

the event. That way your child will be prepared rather than surprised

when he is left there without you.

Don’t Sneak Away

Don’t tiptoe away when your child is asleep or distracted. It may seem

easier than dealing with a tearful good-bye, but it will just cause her

constant worry that you’re going to disappear without warning at any

given moment in the future. The result can be even
more
clinginess,

because she’ll assume she must keep you in sight at all times. In addi-

tion, leaving when she is unaware of it can diminish her trust in you;

she may interpret this as punishment or disrespect of her feelings.

Don’t
Rush
the Parting

Give your baby ample time to process your leave-taking. A rushed

period of chaos as you get ready to leave and then a mad dash out the

door can easily set your child up for an episode of anxiety. Instead,

create and use a short but pleasant good-bye ritual—certain words

and actions you always use when you go. Be relaxed and cheerful.

Allow ten or fi fteen minutes for a proper, peaceful send-off.

Don’t
Prolong
the Parting

While you want to allow your child suffi cient time to accept that

you are leaving, don’t drag out the actual good-byes too long. Say,

“Bye-bye,” and leave with a wave and a smile. The longer you make

the parting process, the more you allow your child’s anxiety to grow.

In addition, once you say good-bye, leave! Very often parents will be

walking out the door, but then start a conversation with the care-

giver or take a last-minute phone call. This creates confusion for your

little one and can permit anxiety to creep in.

Once you say good-bye and your baby is settling down with the

caregiver, don’t come back in for any reason. Make sure you have

your keys, tickets, purse, and coat in hand.

No-Cry Solutions for Babies and Toddlers
29

Express a Cheerful, Positive Attitude

When Leaving

Children are very perceptive of their parents’ feelings. Your baby will

not only observe your actions, she will absorb your emotions. So if

you’re nervous about leaving her, she’ll be nervous as well. Your con-

fi dence will help alleviate her fears and convey that she can handle

this. When you show her that you are relaxed and confi dent, you’re

sending a message that she should relax as well.

This may not work at all the fi rst time you do it. Or the second

time. Maybe not even the third. But eventually your child will come

to realize that you always happily say good-bye, nothing bad happens

while you are gone, and you always come back, so there is nothing for

her to worry about.

To convince your child that all is well, it is helpful if you really

believe it! (See Chapter 6.)

Jan, nine months old

30 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Have Practice Sessions: Leave Your Baby with

Familiar People

To practice for upcoming separation, leave your child with a famil-

iar, trusted, and loving person. Start with a short time, then make it

progressively longer—ten minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes—

until you reach an hour or two. For best results, do this every few days

or at least twice a week, so that your baby remembers the experience

from one time to the next.