The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (21 page)

• She has always gone to bed easily but suddenly has new fears.

• She starts getting nervous during the bedtime routine.

• She won’t go into another room if it is dark or empty.

• She requires your company during the entire prebedtime

routine.

• She usually sleeps through the night once she’s settled

in bed.

• She cries for you immediately upon waking up or rushes to

fi nd you as soon as her eyes are open.

• She shows signs of separation anxiety during the day.

• She has passed her fi rst birthday.

The factors in this second list often tell us that a child does not

necessarily have sleep issues but, instead, is dealing with nighttime

separation anxiety. For a number of children, fear of being alone

becomes a cause for these new bedtime problems. Knowing the root

of your child’s problem can help you fashion the right set of solu-

tions. Regardless of the reason for your child’s inability to sleep alone,

though, many of the solutions remain the same.

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
107

Brielle, two years old; Mommy Jessica; and Aviana, ten months old

•
Understand why separation anxiety affects sleep.
If you think

about it, usually the longest separation between you and your child

is during her nighttime sleep, when the two of you are apart for eight

to twelve hours. Even if you are separated for long hours during the

day, other adults and children are with her during that time. She

comes to identify sleep as the long separation—the extended period

of aloneness.

Professional-Speak

“It is often easier for youngsters to be alone during the day

than at night. Refusal to sleep alone is our most common refer-

ral. Youngsters who are afraid to sleep alone tend to have dif-

fi culty being alone during the nighttime routine [when putting

on pajamas, brushing teeth, etc.] as well. As a result, bedtime

may become a nightmare for the entire family.”

—Andrew R. Eisen, Ph.D., and Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D.,

authors of Separation Anxiety in Children and Adolescents:

An Individualized Approach to Assessment and Treatment

108 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

In addition, at night your child will have a number of brief awak-

enings between sleep cycles, which is a normal aspect of human sleep.

When she opens her eyes and realizes she’s all alone, this can cause

a sudden rush of panic. The same thing happens to her every night,

so when she knows that this long separation is about to occur, it may

create resistance and struggles at bedtime.

•
Don’t make your child “cry it out” to get to sleep.
When

she is struggling from separation anxiety at bedtime, these emotions

come from a deep need to be with you, because you are her source

of security. Handling her nighttime fears by putting her in bed alone

and letting her fend for herself, especially when it means tears, does

not show your relationship the respect it deserves. Being sensitive to

your child’s sleep anxiety tells her that she can trust you, and you will

be there to help her through diffi cult situations.

Don’t worry about spoiling your child with your love or provid-

ing her the attention she needs as she’s going to sleep or waking up.

The more you meet her attachment needs at bedtime now, the more

quickly she will outgrow her anxieties and insecurities.

Professional-Speak

“A child develops trust when his basic needs are taken care

of. When a baby goes to sleep knowing that his caregiver will

be there for him in every situation, the baby will develop a

positive attitude toward the world.”

—Jim Fay, author and founder of

The Love and Logic Institute, Inc.

•
Minimize separations at bedtime when possible.
It’s accept-

able for now—better, in fact—to avoid those situations that would

have you separate from your child at her bedtime. All too soon, she

will move past this phase and on to the next developmental mile-

stone, and a little extra sensitivity will allow her to feel more confi -

dent when that time comes.

•
Create and follow a very, very specifi c bedtime routine.
Your

child will feel more relaxed and secure if the evening has a predict-

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
109

able pattern. She won’t have to guess or worry. I suggest creating

a written chart that shows all the steps to bedtime. A poster with

drawings, magazine cutouts or actual photographs of your child at

each step of the routine is not only useful, but fun and reassuring.

Build in plenty of time for a relaxed process that includes songs or

music, back rubs, conversation, and reading.

•
Practice with quick, safe separations prior to actual bedtime.

Create situations of brief separation throughout the evening. When

you are in the middle of your child’s bedtime routine or just after she

gets into bed for storytime, take brief trips to another room, such as

to get a drink of water or use the bathroom.

•
Provide caregivers with information.
When someone else will

be putting your child to bed for naps or at bedtime, make certain this

person knows your child’s exact bedtime routine. Write it down (or

use the poster described earlier) so that the consistency of the night-

time ritual can be kept the same as usual.

•
Follow daytime separation anxiety tips.
Helping your child

with her daytime anxiety will carry over to easing her bedtime prob-

lems. Follow the ideas throughout this book, such as allowing your

child whatever separations she initiates during the day. These prac-

tice sessions will build her confi dence for all separations.

•
Adopt a lovey.
Encourage your child to become attached to a

special blanket, stuffed animal, or soft toy that can become a sleep-

ing partner. These lovies can be a comfort to her at naptime and

bedtime, since they create a feeling of company and security.

•
Adopt a bedside pet.
A child who doesn’t want to be alone at

night can often fi nd comfort in a bedside pet, which is a step above a

stuffed animal or lovey. The best choices are quiet, low-maintenance

pets. A turtle, frog, or fi sh can make an easy-care roommate for your

child. Avoid nocturnal pets like hamsters that run on a squeaky

wheel at night! And don’t put a dog or cat in bed with a baby or with

a child who might have allergies or asthma.

•
Accept one person as the Sleep Queen/King.
Don’t take it

personally if only one parent is accepted for the bedtime routine.

Many children go through a stage of attaching themselves to one

parent or the other, and it can be most pronounced when the child

is tired. The other parent—as well as grandparents, babysitters, and

friends—can fi nd this diffi cult to accept, but try to reassure them

110 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

that it’s just a temporary and normal phase of development, and with

time and gentle patience, it will pass.

If you wish to indoctrinate a second person into the bedtime

routine, you can do so in stages. First, have him join you as a quiet

observer. Second, have him participate equally. Third, let him take

over while you quietly observe. The fi nal step is to turn over the

bedtime routine completely. When you do, it’s wise if you stay many

rooms away and allow your child and her caregiver to fi nd their own

comfortable rhythm.

•
Use an imaginary substitute.
If you have an older toddler or a

preschooler with a vivid imagination, you can take advantage of this by

adding a new step to her bedtime routine. Before you leave the room,

give your child a “Little Mommy” or “Little Daddy” to sleep with her.

Simply cup your hands as if you are holding something and pretend to

give her a tiny version of yourself. Ask her if you can have one of her

to take to your own room. If the idea is a hit with our child, this Little

Mommy idea can come in handy for daytime separations too.

•
Consider creating a sibling bed.
Children who need human

company at night often enjoy sharing a bedroom or a bed with a

brother or sister. (One caveat: Don’t put a newborn in bed with an

older sibling. For safety’s sake, wait until the baby is about eighteen

months old.) Twins, higher-order multiples, or children who are close

in age are often happiest and most at peace when sleeping with a sib-

ling. You may need to stick around and read or tell stories until your

children are settled so that this doesn’t turn into an evening play ses-

sion. Many siblings fi nd great joy in sleeping with each other, and it

may help to cement early friendships while at the same time solving

bedtime separation anxiety.

•
Make use of music or soothing sounds.
Some children fi nd

that the dark plus quiet invites scary thoughts. You can fi ll that quiet

space with lullabies or white noise recordings of ocean waves, rain-

fall, or other soothing sounds to help your child be more at peace.

•
Make a night-waking plan.
Children who suffer nighttime

separation anxiety might fi ght sleep because they don’t like waking

up alone and scared. If you can set up a plan for middle-of-the-night

waking, then your child may be able to relax enough to fall asleep.

The plan might involve taking a sip of water, cuddling a stuffed ani-

mal, turning on a CD of lullabies, or thinking happy thoughts.

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
111

Mother-Speak

“When we were moving our daughter from our bed to her

own, she still hadn’t become attached to a lovey. I noticed

that she always held on to my shirt while she was nursing, so

I gave her one of my pajama shirts. She latched right on to it,

and I often found her cuddled with it when I checked on her

in the morning. She’s three now, and it still helps her to sleep

when she has it in bed with her.”

—Lisa, mother of three-year-old Berit and two-year-old Marta

•
Have a presleep chat.
Your child may, for many reasons, be

unwilling to part with you to go to sleep. It might help to sched-

ule some time for lights-out conversation just before sleep. Make this

part of your tucking-in routine, and allow your child to fi nish the day

by sharing some of her thoughts with you.

•
Include massage in the bedtime routine.
Massage can help

promote relaxation, relieve stress, and put your child in a relaxed,

sleepy state, making it easier for her to accept your leaving the room.

It can also help her fall asleep easier.

Professional-Speak

“Humans, including kids, are busy and distracted all day.

When the lights go out and the stillness settles, the unresolved

issues of the heart press in on us. Setting your child’s bedtime

a wee bit earlier with the assumption that you’ll spend some

time visiting and snuggling in the dark is one of the best things

you can do for your child. Do you have to resolve issues then?

No. Just listen. Acknowledge feelings. Reassure your child

that you hear his concern and that together you will solve

it—tomorrow. The next day, follow up. You’ll be amazed how

your relationship with your child deepens [and how much

easier it will be for him to fall asleep].”

—Dr. Laura Markham, AhaParenting.com