The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (18 page)

environment or drop him off at the babysitter’s location. It’s better

than having someone pick him up from home and take him away.

There can be something very scary about being removed from your

safe haven!

•
Make phone plans with the sitter.
If you want to check on

things while you’re away, make sure you have a plan. If your answering

machine broadcasts your voice in the middle of playtime, your happy

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
91

child may suddenly experience a wave of missing you. Or if they are

in the middle of a game, story, or falling asleep, you might upset the

apple cart by pulling the sitter away to deal with your phone call. It

may be better to arrange for the sitter to call you at a predetermined

time or for you to send text messages back and forth discreetly.

•
Give your child something of yours to hold.
It may help if you

give your child a Magic Bracelet (see Chapter 3) or other token of

your love to hold on to while you are gone. Some children respond

well if you let them wear your T-shirt or rest on your bed pillow in the

evening.

•
Let the sitter bend the rules.
One of the joys of being with a

babysitter is getting to do a few things that are out of the ordinary.

Staying up late, eating treats, or jumping on the sofa cushions are

some of the fun things that can make a babysitter’s visit a great expe-

rience for your older child.

•
Create a babysitter bonus box.
Put together a box, a drawer,

or a cabinet of toys, games, and activities that can
only
be used when

the babysitter is in charge. Rotate toys and refresh the selection fre-

quently. Be absolutely fi rm that these things are used only during

babysitter hours, and you’ll fi nd this to be a tremendous help in refo-

cusing your child’s energy in a fun direction.

•
Avoid leaving a sleeping child.
Almost every parent of a

separation-anxious child considers doing just this! However, even if

your child normally sleeps all night without waking up, don’t give

in to the temptation to leave him after he’s sleeping. As luck would

have it, this will be the one time he wakes up. If your little one awak-

ens to fi nd you gone, it may set you back on any success that you’ve

achieved so far in regard to babysitting.

•
Let your child know what to expect.
A short time before

the babysitter arrives, tell your child what’s going to happen. Give a

Key Point

Never sneak out on a sleeping child just to avoid the parting

tears. You might create bigger problems if he wakes up to fi nd

you missing.

92 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

brief verbal itinerary and, if you can, include a milestone marker to

let him know when you’ll be home, such as, “I’ll be home after you

eat lunch.” Don’t begin the preparation too soon, though, and don’t

make it a serious conversation fi lled with dread, which could build

his anxiety. Simply make a cheery announcement a half hour or so

before you leave or before the sitter arrives.

•
Don’t leave without saying good-bye—even if he’s happy.
If

you’ve had some bad experiences in the past and your child is playing

happily with the babysitter, you may be tempted to slip out unno-

ticed. That could net the sitter a few minutes’ reprieve, but once your

child realizes you are gone, it may create a panic attack. Even worse,

once this happens, you may see an increase in your child’s separation

anxiety because he’ll never know for sure when you’ll disappear.

•
Be prepared for a replay.
Even if your child had a wonderful

experience with a great babysitter, he may not be welcoming when

she shows up at your door the next time. This is perfectly normal.

Stay calm and allow your child to reconnect with her. Stick around

for a few minutes so they can rekindle their bond. Once she has

engaged your child’s attention, say a quick and happy good-bye.

Don’t Go! When Mom or Dad Goes to Work

I’m going back to work in a few months and am worried

about how my toddler is going to react when I have to leave

him during the week. What can I do to make the change

easier for him?

There are many things you can do to prepare your child for your

return to work and many ways to handle separation anxiety if it

crops up when your work schedule is in full swing. The good news is

that the vast majority of children overcome their separation anxiety

and adjust to being in daycare or at home with a nanny. It can take

patience and a plan, but you can help your child through this major

adjustment.

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
93

Professional-Speak

“As separation anxiety peaks, you may have real challenges.

Don’t be surprised if your well-adjusted child morphs into a

mommy-obsessed lunatic.”

—Paige Hobey, author of The Working Gal’s Guide to Babyville

When you are able to prepare your child in advance for what’s to

come, you may be able to lessen separation anxiety, although you

still may not eliminate it completely. Some of the adjustments will

have to happen once the new routine begins. In advance, try a few of

these ideas.

•
Have practice sessions.
If your child hasn’t had much experi-

ence with babysitters, start exposing him to alternate caregivers now.

It’s good to set something up a few times a week to rehearse for the

time when you’ll be off to work every day. Even short practice ses-

sions can be helpful. You can use this time for yourself to relax or

do things to get ready for your reentry into the workplace: do some

shopping, get a haircut, or meet friends for lunch.

•
Let your child practice his social skills.
If your little one will

be in a setting with other children, begin taking him to places where

lots of children play—such as playgrounds, health club child-care

rooms, and church activity rooms. This practice will warm him up to

the experience of spending time with a group of other children.

Once you are working, your child may express anxiety no matter

how much preparation he’s had. That’s perfectly normal. After all,

what child wouldn’t rather have a parent at home than away? The

following ideas can help your child work through his feelings and

fi nd a new “normal” that is built around your work schedule.

•
Prevent the contagious spread of sad feelings.
Children are

amazingly perceptive, and if you feel worried, sad, or guilty about

leaving him to go to work, then he’ll likely suffer an offshoot of those

feelings. Once you’ve picked a great place or person to care for him,

then accept this new life and make the best of it. All types of work

and family arrangements function well for children.

94 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Mother-Speak

“I didn’t know that leaving my child in someone else’s care

was going to be so hard for me. When he would cry, it was

upsetting and I felt guilty for leaving him. When he would run

off to play and barely notice me leaving, I was wracked with

jealousy. It’s gotten better with time. I suspect that if I had

been more accepting of the situation, then Sam would have

been also. It seemed that when I settled in, so did he.”

—Mother of nineteen-month-old Sam

•
Have very specifi c routines.
Children feel more secure when

their lives have a predictable rhythm. The more they can foresee

about their day, the more they can relax in the fl ow. Set up a specifi c

routine for the following touch points in your child’s day:

—
The morning routine.
How the morning begins can often set

the tone for the whole day. Waking at the same time seven

days a week and following the same routine for getting dressed,

having breakfast, and enjoying early-morning playtime can get

your child started with a calm feeling that “today is normal.”

—
The hour before you leave for work.
Whether you leave for work

in the morning, later, or at different times each day, the part-

ing routine you create with your child is important. When you

have a pattern to your leaving, it allows your child to “switch

gears” from one environment (parent home) to the other

(caregiver in charge).

—
The fi rst half hour your child spends with the caregiver.
Once you

say good-bye, what happens? Do the two of them play with

toys? Have a snack? Read a book? Look at the day’s calendar?

Engaging in a specifi c, routine action is much better than your

child standing by and watching you walk away. It also helps

transition him into this segment of his day. This specifi c event

reconnects your child to the caregiver and sets the pace for

their time together.

—
The reuniting routine.
Create a short but specifi c coming-

together routine. It can be a special handshake, a hug and a

tickle, or some other ritual. This takes the pressure off the

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
95

reunion, since your child has a certain action he performs. It

is also an indicator to change gears—the caregiver is off duty

and your time together is beginning.

•
Suggest connectivity projects.
If possible, encourage your care-

giver to have your child create something for you during the day.

This could be a drawing, a vase of picked fl owers, or a batch of cook-

ies. Perhaps have a special box where you place evidence of the day’s

work that you look through together as part of your reuniting rou-

tine. If your child is busy planning and executing the day’s surprise

or fi lling his box, it can lift his spirits and help him look forward to

welcoming you home.

•
Keep your child busy.
Be certain your child has plenty of toys

and activities to keep him busy while you are away. A bored child is

more likely to suffer separation pangs than a busy one. If your child

stays at home with a nanny, rotate a box of toys for them to use so

there is frequently something new for them to discover.

•
Take your child to work occasionally.
Children can feel

unsettled if you are gone for long periods and they don’t know where

you are. It can help to have a short visit to your workplace so your

little one sees where you spend your day. Bring a camera, take photos,

and make a small album for your child to keep at home. You can even

have someone take a picture of you on the phone, frame it, and keep

it at home, so your child can see you when you are talking together

on the phone.

•
Display family photos.
Have photos of yourself around the

house for your child to view when you are gone. If he is in a daycare

center, ask if you can display a family photo in his cubby or near

where he hangs his coat. In addition, have photos of your caregiver

or his teachers in your home so you can show that these people are

important to your family.

•
Make your time together count.
Prioritize your life so that the

hours you are home with your child are not spent in tasks that keep

the two of you separated even longer. For your child to be able to

let you go emotionally, he’ll need to feel satisfi ed with the time that

you do have. Take a good look at how you spend your time together.

Can you include your child in some tasks? Can you fi nd a more time-

effi cient way to handle some things? Can you cross some unnecessary

things off your list altogether?