The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (20 page)

separation anxiety is only one of them. Other possible reasons for

your child’s apprehension may be a feeling of disconnection with the

teacher, concern about the work, confusion about class rules, or dif-

fi culty with a classmate. So before you approach your child’s fears, it’s

important to listen carefully to learn his reasons for not wanting to

go to school. Understanding his motivation can help you tailor the

best solutions for him.

•
Encourage friendship with a classmate.
If you’re reading this

in advance of the fi rst day of school, try to locate other children in

the class. (You might be able to get this information from the school

or ask around the neighborhood.) Set up a series of playdates before

school starts. Seeing a familiar face on the fi rst day of class can ease

many of your child’s fears. In addition, being friends allows the two of

them to share their concerns and excitement and to realize that they

are not alone in their feelings.

If your child has already started school, ask the teacher if there are

one or two friends he spends time with at recess or in class. Set up

a few playdates at your home fi rst, and work toward having playtime

at their homes too. Having a deeper friendship with another child or

two in class can create more security during the day.

102 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

•
Carpool or walk to school with another family.
If possible, set

up your daily walk or ride to school with a classmate or another child

who attends the same school but not the same class. If your child

resists the idea of other parents driving, then don’t push it—you do

the driving for a while and try having the other parents take their

turn in a few months.

Going to school with a peer can improve the mood of the morn-

ing routine, so encourage the bond between them. Resist the urge to

participate in the children’s conversation other than opening a topic

to get them talking. You want to fade away and allow them to talk

and connect to each other without your continuous involvement.

•
Meet a classmate at the school.
If you can’t arrange for your

child to walk or ride to school with a friend, then set up a meet-

ing place at school where they can connect. Try to make this at the

front gate, fl agpole, or front door so that you can all walk a short

distance together, allowing a brief transition from “me and Mommy”

or “me and Daddy” to “me and my friend.” Walk behind the children,

if possible, and let them talk. Steer clear of staying in parent/overseer

mode—avoid any admonitions, such as “Slow down” and “Zip your

coat,” or even reminders, such as “Remember your book order today.”

You want to fade into the background and be invisible.

If your child won’t let go of your hand at fi rst, that’s okay. Try to

stay quiet and unobtrusive other than to ask a question to get them

talking, if necessary. Slowly loosen your grip on your child’s hand

and try not to interrupt their connection when you leave. Make your

good-bye a swift and happy one; aim for a quick hug and a “See you

later. Have a great day!”

•
Create a Magic Bracelet routine.
Follow the suggestions in

Chapter 3 for using a Magic Bracelet to help ease your child’s fears.

Using a bracelet for separation anxiety at school has proven to be an

amazing aid. Create a send-off routine as you part with your child. It

could be as simple as a good-bye phrase and hugging the bracelet—

and the arm it is attached to.

If you learn of any other children in the class who are suffering

with separation anxiety, share the Magic Bracelet idea with their

parents. You might even want to share the idea with the teacher so

she can use it to help other worriers in the class. When other chil-

dren are also wearing bracelets, it can become a tool for bonding

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
103

among the group and helps your child and the others feel that their

emotions are validated and understood.

•
Create a project for together time.
Some children resist going

to school because they see it as the end of your days of playtime

together. You can demonstrate to your child that it isn’t the end—

just a change. Set up an ongoing project you can work on each day,

such as a craft or puzzle. You can refer to this project when dropping

your child off, so she has something to look forward to, or when pick-

ing her up. Spending even fi fteen minutes on this task after school

or a short bit of time in the morning makes it the focus for a bonding

opportunity.

•
Approach sick days cautiously.
Children who want to stay

home from school because of separation anxiety will often claim to

be sick with a headache or stomachache. Parents are put in an awk-

ward position: do you accuse your child of faking illness or allow him

to stay home? If you are unsure and choose to let your child stay

home, make sure the day really is treated as a “sick day” right up

until bedtime. That means limited television and playtime, with the

majority of the day spent in bed, listening to music, reading, and rest-

ing. A child who is truly sick will benefi t from this restful day, and a

well child seeking time off from school will become bored and may

actually look forward to a return to the classroom.

The New Baby: When the New Sibling’s

Arrival Affects Big Brother or Sister

Ever since we brought our new baby home, our three-year-

old has had serious separation anxiety. It’s clearly

connected to the baby’s arrival. Is this normal? What can we

do about it?

Any major change in your child’s life can cause him to move closer

to you emotionally and physically, and adding a new person to the

family is a colossal change! Not only does the family structure alter,

but so does your daily routine, the amount of time you have open for

104 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Mother-Speak

“Since the twins were born, Tristan has had more need to be

right next to me. I fi nd it completely heartbreaking that I can-

not convince him that I would never abandon him. At home it

is so frustrating that he must always be with me or be accom-

panied to another room, especially now that things are always

so hectic. I can’t go to the washroom myself or put the twins

to sleep without him coming to fi nd me, even though I always

tell him where I am going and that I will be right back.”

—Linda, mother of four-year-old Tristan and ten-month-old

twins Talie and Taryn

play, and the emotional atmosphere in your home. It’s very natural

for your older child to cling to you for support and reassurance. He

is likely wondering how this newcomer affects his place in the fam-

ily and if it will interfere with his accessibility to you. Until all the

details are sorted through and your family resettles into its new con-

fi guration, it’s wise to be sensitive in responding to your older child’s

separation anxiety.

•
Patience, patience, and a little more patience.
If your child

did not suffer from separation anxiety before the baby joined your

family, this is apt to be a short-lived phase. If your child had anxiety

in the past but has since moved past it, this relapse likely won’t last

too long, but nonetheless, it can be challenging when you thought

you were already past this stage. The best approach is to acknowledge

that this is a major turning point for your family and concede the

fact that this is going to require some adjustment and settling time.

•
Don’t expect him to grow up suddenly.
It’s common that when

a tiny new baby arrives in the house the fi rstborn suddenly seems

so much bigger and older. Parents sometimes inadvertently change

the way they treat their fi rst child—suddenly expecting more of him

than they did just the week before. We even refer to the fi rstborn as

“Big Brother” or “Big Sister” even when the child is still a little tod-

dler. At the same time that our perspective changes and our fi rstborn

becomes “big,” he is struggling with new feelings that may cause him

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
105

to feel “little”—regressing in areas of development and needing more

of your time and attention. It can help to allow him to grow into

those “big” shoes and mature in a slower, normal progression. Try not

to push him to be too grown up just yet.

•
Revive old ideas.
If your child had separation anxiety in the

past, revisit any solutions that worked for you before. Take a deep

breath and call up an extra ounce of patience. Things will never be

exactly as they were. Life has changed for your family. In time, every-

one will settle in and you’ll all fi nd a comfortable new “normal.”

•
Aim for short, daily play sessions.
Babies take most of your

time and attention, so your older child’s sudden separation anxiety

may be a plea for more personal attention from you. Giving her even

fi fteen minutes of uninterrupted attention once or twice a day can

help her feel loved enough to let you go when you must tend to the

baby’s needs. You can even give this time a specifi c name, such as

Mommy-Time, and set a timer for fi fteen minutes. Tell your child you

can do anything she wants with you until the bell rings. Once she

gets the hang of this, she’ll look forward to and thrive on these snip-

pets of personal attention.

Sleep: Going to Bed Alone

My daughter seems to have a rush of separation anxiety at

bedtime. She cries pitifully if we leave her alone, so we

always end up letting her come into our bed. Is this due to

separation anxiety? How can we help her be comfortable

sleeping alone?

It is possible that this behavior is due to separation anxiety—and it’s

very possible that it’s not. You might
not
be dealing with separation

anxiety if any of the following are true:

• She has been joining you in your bed since infancy or for a

long time.

• She is always brought into your bed or you lie with her in her

bed in response to her fears or tears.

106 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

• She relies on you to rock, pat, or otherwise help her to fall

asleep.

• She naps in your arms or by your side.

• She always falls asleep in your presence, never or rarely when

alone.

• She doesn’t display any major separation anxiety issues during

the day.

• She is under a year old.

These indicators tell us that your child has a clear preference for

sleeping with you rather than sleeping alone. You have become an

important component to a good night’s sleep. If this is the case, you’ll

need to create a bedtime plan to change your child’s familiar routine.

Look for specifi c ideas on my website a
t www.nocrysolution.com o
r in any of my No-Cry Sleep Solution books. In addition, you may fi nd

the many ideas for separation anxiety helpful.

Your child’s sleep issues are more likely caused by separation anxi-

ety if the following apply:

• She has never routinely slept with you.