The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (17 page)

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
85

Daddy Shaun; twins Travis and Jamie, seven weeks old; and Jared,

two years old

If you fi nd that nearly all of your child’s waking hours are spent

with you, try to fi nd ways to have other familiar people spend more

time alone with him. Start with short periods and work up to lon-

ger spans. Experience will build security, and your child will come

to know that others are also capable of meeting his emotional and

physical needs—and that they can be fun too.

In order for this idea to work, you shouldn’t hover and oversee

their time together. Allow them to develop their own rhythm. Pro-

vide your child with a supportive comment: “Grandma has you now.

Mommy is going to shower.” If your child fusses as you leave, don’t

jump right back in the picture. Allow the other adult to tend to

him. It may be different from what you would do, but it’s a wonder-

ful gift to allow your child to learn that the world is not fi lled with

Mommy clones. You trust this person, so let her handle this. Get in

the shower, go make dinner, or go on your jog, and let the caregiver

and your child fi nd their way together.

When your child learns that this person can meet his needs as

well as you do, he will apply that concept to other adults as well.

And when other people know they can spend time with your child

86 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Father-Speak

“The fi rst time we saw ‘mommy separation anxiety’ was a few

months ago. Jack was having a grand time playing with me.

We were laughing and relaxed together. Then Mommy came

into the room, and it was like a switch was pulled. He got this

unbelievably sad look on his face and started crying. He held

his arms out to be picked up by her. We had seen this hap-

pen before with my niece, so we were kind of prepared. My

niece is older now, and a big-time daddy’s girl. So we laughed

about Jack’s favoritism, realizing that he had entered a new

phase and Mommy was now Queen of the Day.”

—James, father of ten-month-old Jack

without you hovering in the background, they will relax and enjoy

the camaraderie with your little one.

•
Give your child a job to do.
You can assign an older toddler or

preschooler a task to do while you step out. Give your child a broom

and ask him to sweep the fl oor, have him sort socks from the laundry,

or provide him with paper and crayons and ask him to draw you a

picture. If your child feels he is doing something for you and is busy

with this activity, it can allow him to part from you for a short time.

•
Use positive self-talk.
Help your child and yourself by keeping

your own thoughts realistic. If your baby is in a panic of tears, don’t

be drawn into the drama and convince yourself that you are doing

something horrible to him. You are only going into another room!

Your baby is in the good care of another person. It’s a great thing for

him to learn that the two of you can be apart and the world is still a

good place.

•
Understand your child’s personality.
Children are unique in

how they respond to separation. It helps to consider your child’s reac-

tions regarding all things new and different to help determine how

to best respond to his needs. Taking cues from his responses in other

areas of life can help you fi gure out the best way to help build his

separation confi dence.

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
87

Babysitter Blues: When Your Child Resists

a Babysitter

We’d love to be able to go out to dinner or a movie, but the

one time we hired a babysitter for our son, we had to sneak

out the door, and she said he stood at the window and cried

for an hour! We felt like the worst parents ever. Now we’re

afraid to try again.

You’re not the worst parents ever—actually you’re in the running for

the best parents ever. Your little one’s reaction is a demonstration of

the love, security, and comfort he feels when he is with you and that

he knows is lacking when you are gone. So fi rst, pat yourselves on the

back—you’ve created a strong and healthy bond with your son.

Since you do have a healthy family, it is perfectly fi ne—and in

fact, good for all of you—for you to leave your child with a babysit-

ter to go out on a date, run errands, visit friends, or even take a jog

around the park. The following tips will guide you as you all fi nd

peace with this new aspect of family life.

•
Choose babysitters wisely.
Early experiences are most success-

ful when the sitter is someone your child knows well. Try to choose

someone who not only loves your child but will be patient with any

tears and worries. Your best friend may love your baby to pieces, but if

she doesn’t have children or any experience caring for them, she may

not be successful dealing with the separation anxiety that occurs.

An experienced mom or dad (particularly one whose child has suf-

fered separation anxiety) might have more tricks up her or his sleeve

to help your little one adjust to the experience.

•
Keep realistic thoughts in mind.
Even though your child is

acting like it, you’re not sending him to a torture chamber! You’re

leaving him with a competent babysitter, plenty of toys, and adequate

food. Of course it’s hard to see him cry and cling to you—but don’t

let his actions lead
you
to sensationalize the situation. Your calm

demeanor will convey to your child that everything is okay, since he

trusts your judgment.

88 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

•
Start slowly and build up.
If possible, allow your child to ease

into the idea of staying with a sitter. You can take steps to build his

confi dence that everything will be just fi ne when you exit. For the fi rst

session, have your babysitter watch your child while you are still at

home. You may even need to start with you remaining in the room—

just sit quietly in a corner and try to disappear. Don’t comment on

any cute things your child does or make suggestions to the sitter. Just

be a quiet presence. Once you’ve done this, have another in-home

session but leave the room. If your child follows you, simply return for

a few minutes and then try again, popping in and out, and making

your exits last a little longer each time. It can help to have a few new

toys available for play. Even though it seems odd to pay a babysitter to

keep you
and
your baby company, this can be money well spent when

your child comes to happily accept the sitter’s presence.

After this at-home practice, arrange for a few short sessions where

you leave the house for ten or fi fteen minutes. When you return, do

so quietly. Don’t enter the room if your child is crying—he may see

this as the way to get you to come back, setting him up to cry longer

and harder next time. Instead, quietly enter the house and wait for a

happy moment to announce your arrival.

After a few successful practice sessions, you’ll be ready to schedule

a real event that lasts a few hours. Try to build up the babysitter’s

time with your child slowly. Even a child who has adapted well might

experience a sudden rush of separation anxiety if the period with the

sitter goes on too long. This can turn a good thing into a stressful

situation or set you back from any success you have had.

Key Point

Once you’ve chosen a caring, experienced babysitter, take

a deep breath and relax. Trust that things will be fi ne while

you’re gone. Leave the sitter a phone number, and tell her

where you’ll be. Ask her to call if she needs you. If she doesn’t

call—then enjoy your time away! You and your child will be

back together soon, and this separation is good for your men-

tal health and wonderful for your child’s development.

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
89

Over time, if you have a cheerful, capable babysitter, your child

may even come to look forward to the time with a new grown-up

playmate.

•
Leave when your child is well-rested and not overly hungry.

Plan to have the sitter arrive just after your child wakes in the morn-

ing or after a nap. A well-rested child will be more fl exible than a

tired one.

It’s fi ne if your little one is ready for a meal when the sitter

arrives—as long as he’s not famished. If the schedule works, having

them share a meal can be a great icebreaker.

•
Allow time for a relaxed changing of the guard.
Plan ahead

so that you aren’t rushing around the house, showering, dressing, and

giving out instructions the hour before you leave. Progressing from

dashing around the house to dashing out the door can intensify your

child’s anxiety. Perhaps you can invite your child into your room

while you are getting ready and bring along an array of toys to keep

him happy. Play some peaceful music in the background to enhance

the relaxed atmosphere. A peaceful preparation and calm exit mood

can fi lter through to your child’s feelings about your departure.

•
Make the actual leaving quick and peaceful.
Set up some

interesting toys or a craft activity for the babysitter to use with your

child. Once he is engaged with the sitter, say a very quick good-bye

and wave with a smile. If things are going well and you interrupt the

fl ow, you’ll just call attention to the fact that you’re leaving and may

set up a fresh anxiety episode.

•
Avoid an in-arms transfer.
Handing your baby over to another

adult is a dramatic announcement of transfer and often cues him to

object. It can be a more mellow transition if he is playing on the fl oor

or sitting in a swing or high chair when you step away. This way you

avoid him being physically “taken away from you.” which can cause a

jolt of panic. The other advantage to this method is that your child

can be engaged in an activity or eating a snack so that he is focused

on something other than your leave-taking.

•
Don’t come back once you’re out the door.
Make sure you

have your purse, keys, coat, tickets, and anything else you need. If

you say good-bye, leave, and then reenter, you may end up with a

double dose of separation anxiety to deal with.

90 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Father-Speak

“We loved the idea of not handing Joshua to his grandmother

directly from our arms to hers when we leave, because that’s

often when he starts to cry. I put him in his bouncy chair, and

Nanna started getting his attention by singing and making one

of his favorite toys dance. When Alex and I left the house,

Joshua barely noticed!”

—Dean, father of ten-month-old Joshua

•
Avoid the tear-fi lled window-waving routine.
How often have

you seen a crying child waving good-bye at a window? Some children

need this parting gesture and accept the fi nal wave as closure on your

leaving. However, in many cases, it creates the agony of watching a

loved one drive off. If your child isn’t happy with the fi nal window

wave, it will be much better to allow him to become involved in an

activity and wave you off during the play than to permit a painful

last parting.

•
Try a new location.
If you have family or friends with children,

see if you can arrange for them to babysit your child at
their
home.

Sometimes a new location, particularly one that offers new toys and

playmates, can help your child overcome his worries about separating

from you. You can also use the step-by-step approach in this situa-

tion (as described on pages 30–31), beginning with a visit where you

stay but are uninvolved, progressing to a short fi fteen-minute session

when you’re gone, and then adding to the length of separation a bit

at a time.

•
Avoid having the sitter take your child away.
Some children

feel anxious if they are picked up by the sitter and taken away to

another location. In this case, keep your child in his familiar home