The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (13 page)

ing when I leave for work. He carries my keys to the door, and

then he fi nds my shoes. I put them on and take the keys and

thank him for his help. Then we have a big squeeze, a tickle,

and some kisses. If I leave out any of these things, he can’t

seem to get on with his day.”

—Laura, mother of three-year-old Logan

58 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

events reassures her that what is happening is normal and reminds

her that you will be together again soon.

Don’t Plant Worry Seeds

In our effort to reassure our children we sometimes inadvertently

increase their concerns. Saying things like, “Don’t worry,” “I’ll be

right here if you need me,” or “Everything is going to be okay” aren’t

as reassuring as you might think. For many children, your concern

about their worry actually implies that they really do have something

to worry about. And placing a thought about the need to call you for

help can raise a red fl ag in your child’s mind:
Will I worry? Will I need

to call for help?

Instead of planting these worry seeds, make your comments posi-

tive in nature and get the message across that what he’s about to do is

no big deal—it’s even fun. For example, when he’s leaving your side to

attend a birthday party, let him leave on a positive note with a cheerful

good-bye and a mention of the good time he’s about to have: “Have fun

with the piñata! You can tell me about it when I pick you up.”

Have a Specifi c Routine for Your Reunion

A reunion routine builds security and muscle memory for your child’s

thought processes. Do and say the same exact things every time you

reunite—use the same phrase, make up a special “greeting handshake”

or a special kind of hug. You might bring a small snack that your child

can look forward to each day (if the timing is appropriate). Give your

child 100 percent of your attention and eye-to-eye contact during

pickup so that the reunion is something lovely she looks forward to.

Key Point

Children fi nd sanctuary in specifi c routines that are built

around the focal points of their day: morning rituals, mealtime,

drop-offs, pickups, and bedtime.

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
59

Read Children’s Books About

Similar Situations

There are many books about children going to daycare, preschool,

and kindergarten or staying with babysitters and about parents going

off to work or on a trip. These books allow your child to glimpse the

situation she’ll be facing in a relaxed and less personal way. Children

who enjoy books can learn many things from characters who do the

same things they do. Read these books yourself fi rst to be sure they fi t

your needs, then share them with your child to familiarize her with

what to expect.

Give Your Child a Photo of You

Many children are comforted by a photo of their parents or siblings

to view whenever they are feeling unsettled. The photo can act as a

reminder of home and security. A picture or two placed in a small

wallet or a locket can give your child a piece of you to have with her

whenever you are apart.

Send a Funny Face Along with Your Child

If your child is reluctant to part from you, use a permanent marker

to draw a happy face on your child’s hand. Give it hair like yours

and glasses if you wear them. Tell your child it’s like having a mini-

Mommy or tiny Daddy with him all day long. Most children are so

impressed that you actually drew on their hand that the laughter that

accompanies the drawing makes it extra special.

Acknowledge His Feelings

Let your child know that it’s normal to be a little sad when you miss

someone, but even with those sad feelings inside, he can still have

fun. Acknowledging his feelings will help him begin to understand

and accept them.

60 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Johnathan, fi fteen months old

Once you’ve acknowledged his emotions, take the next step: reas-

sure him that he can deal with those feelings and learn to compart-

mentalize them alongside other more peaceful emotions and get on

with the business of having fun. This process is important because it

lets your child know that he is normal, which can be a relief since he

may feel he’s the only one who feels anxious. After this reassurance,

turn your child’s attention away from his concerns and toward a pro-

ductive activity.

Here are a few reassuring comments that test parents reported

using with their children:

“ I can see you’re a little nervous about joining the party. That’s okay,

lots of kids are nervous when there are new people to meet. Let’s see

who you know. . . . Look, there’s Trenton. Why don’t you go over and

show him your new watch?”

“ I know it’s hard to leave Mommy for the day. That’s because we love

each other and we like to be together. Just like last week, you’ll do

lots of fun things at daycare, then I’ll be here when you get home,

and you can tell me about your day.”

Don’t let your child’s uneasiness turn into full-blown fear. He may

be unsure of a new place or person—that’s normal. But in an effort to

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
61

Professional-Speak

“Physiological factors such as sleep, stimulation, and food

affect the anxiety response. Any child will be more easily agi-

tated if she has not had enough sleep or has ingested too

many candy bars or sugary, caffeinated soft drinks.”

—John S. Dacey, Ph.D., and Lisa B. Fiore, Ph.D., authors of

Your Anxious Child: How Parents and Teachers

Can Relieve Anxiety in Children

help him relax, you might inadvertently increase his apprehension.

Avoid saying things like, “There is nothing to be afraid of,” or “Why

are you scared?” since fear may not be the emotion he’s feeling, and

your words may create that option. Instead, make more general com-

ments such as, “It’s okay if you’re not sure about this. It’s something

new. I bet you’ll have lots of fun!”

Watch Your Child’s Sleep Schedule and

Eating Habits

Children who are tired, hungry, or nutritionally shortchanged have

compromised biological systems from which to function. Their emo-

tions are more volatile, which means they can suffer from more sepa-

ration anxiety.

A child’s daily diet should give him the proper fuel to keep his

blood sugar and energy levels stable and provide him with the nutri-

ents to keep his body and mind functioning properly.

Make sure your child gets enough sleep every night and appropri-

ate daily naps. The actual number of hours he sleeps is an incred-

ibly important factor for his health and well-being. Even a
one-hour

shortage in appropriate sleep time will compromise a child’s brain

function, increase fatigue, and make him more prone to negative

emotions such as anxiety.

In addition to overall hours slept, the length of time your child

is awake from one sleep period to the next will have an impact on

62 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

his mood and behavior. When children are pushed beyond their bio-

logical awake time span without a break, they become fatigued, fussy,

and unhappy. They cling more to their parents to gain a feeling of

security.

As a child progresses through his day, his biology demands a sleep

break to regroup. If he does not get this break, the problem intensi-

fi es: the rumblings and tremors become an outright explosion. The

scientifi c term for this process is “homeostatic sleep pressure”; I call

it the “volcano effect,” as it is often as clear as watching a volcano

erupt. Without a nap break, this pressure builds, growing in inten-

sity—like a volcano—so that a child becomes tired and unable to

stop the explosion. The result is a child who displays more intense

emotions of all types, including separation anxiety.

The following chart is an important guide to your child’s sleep

hours. All children are different, and a few truly do need less (or

more) sleep than shown here, but the vast majority of children have

needs that fall within these ranges.

Sleep Chart: Average Hours of Daytime and Nighttime

Sleep and Awake Periods*

Total

Total

Total

Endurable

Hours

Hours of

Number

Hours of

Awake

of Night

Sleep per

Age

of Naps

Naptime

Hours

Sleep*

Day**

6 months

2–3

3–4

2–3

10–11

14–15

9 months

2

2½–4

2–4

11–12

14

1 year

1–2

2–3

3–4

11½–12

13½–14

2 years

1

1½–3

5–6½

11–12

13–13½

3 years

1

1–2

6–8

11–11½

12–13

4 years

0–1

0–2

6–12

11–11½

11½–12½

5 years

0–1

0–2

6–12

11

11–12

6 years

0–1

0–2

6–13

10½–11

10–11

*These are averages that do not necessarily represent unbroken stretches of sleep, since a brief awakening between sleep cycles is normal.

**The total hours shown for naps and nighttime sleep don’t always add up, because when children take longer naps, they may sleep less at night and vice versa.

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution © Better Beginnings, Inc.

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
63

Making Bedtime Separation Easier

Reduce bedtime separation anxiety with a very specifi c bedtime

routine. Make a chart with the steps illustrated, using photos, draw-

ings, or pictures from magazines. Follow the chart every night—right

down to “lights out,” “close eyes,” and “sleep.” Make it a relaxing,

unrushed process. If the routine is predictable, your child will learn

to accept it.

Reduce middle-of-the-night separation anxiety by having a spe-

cifi c night-waking routine. If you
sometimes
let your child come into

your bed,
sometimes
stay with him in his bed, and
sometimes
require him to sleep alone, you’ll be adding stress and confusion to his

anxiety. Have a very specifi c night-waking plan and follow it every

time. For more solutions about sleep-related separation anxiety, see

Chapter 5.

Provide Ample “Chill Time”

A child who is rushed between daycare or school, errands, and

other activities will tend to be more anxious overall. To help your

child maintain an inner peace, build “chill time”—when he does

“nothing”—into every day. Relaxed playtime is very productive and

benefi cial. It can help a child develop an inner quietness, much like

yoga or meditation for an adult. A child with more inner peace will

be less likely to succumb to anxious emotions.

Mother-Speak

“Thanks for the reminder to build some downtime into our

day. I realized that I’ve been so busy rushing from place to

place to place to place that my youngest was lost in the shuf-

fl e. No wonder he wouldn’t let go of me when he fi nally had

a hold of me!”

—Rachel, mother of eight-year-old Kate, six-year-old Grayson,

and three-year-old Oliver

64 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Arrange Regular Playdates with Special Friends

Children who must spend days in daycare or school will suffer less

homesickness if they have familiar friends to connect with. Set up an

at-home playtime with one or two daycare or school friends. Having

someone from school who also comes to your home will create a link

between the two places.

Key Point

Friendships with other children ease the pain of separation

from Mom and Dad.

Have a Relaxed Morning Routine

If your child struggles with leaving for daycare or school each morn-

ing, try to create a peaceful beginning to the day. A child who is

ousted from bed and rushed to dress and leave the house will be more