The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (19 page)

96 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Key Point

Try to fi nd a bit of relaxed time every day to be with your

child—playing, taking a walk, reading, or just hanging out

together. Those calm moments create a peacefulness that can

carry over into busy times.

•
Talk to your child’s teacher or babysitter about your concerns.

It is helpful if you talk through any problems and agree to a plan and

specifi c solutions. A qualifi ed care provider will be knowledgeable about

separation anxiety and open to customizing a plan for your child. By

identifying your specifi c worries and discussing the options, you can

come up with the solutions that are right for your child.

Daycare Distress and Preschool Pains: Making

Morning Good-Byes Peaceful

I spent months fi nding the perfect daycare center for my

daughter. It’s a wonderful place with kind and loving

caregivers, an abundance of toys, a great group of children,

and a marvelous play yard. It’s been a whole week and my

daughter still cries when I drop her off. It is tearing me

apart! What can I do?

Heading off to daycare or preschool and leaving Mommy or Daddy

behind is a colossal milestone in a child’s life. There is no exact

method for determining which child will happily wave and run off to

play and which one will take one look at the new surroundings and

promptly superglue herself to a parent’s leg. If yours is one of those

superglue kids, here are some ideas to help her loosen her grip and

enjoy her new experience.

•
Take small steps to reach your separation goal.
Some children

have increased anxiety if they go from a familiar setting to a brand-

new situation or a longer separation schedule. It can help to slowly

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
97

“wean” a child to her new routine. If she is struggling, see if you can

arrange to build up to a full day’s schedule over time. Begin with a

one- or two-hour segment for a few days, progress to a slightly longer

period, and eventually to a full day. If you can spread this process

over several weeks, it may help your child ease into a full program.

•
Plan for readjustments.
Many children start the week off slowly,

but after several days of the school routine, they settle in. Regression

can happen after days off, particularly long weekends or vacations.

After having three or four days off with you at home, your child has

to readjust to the school routine. When getting back into the swing

of things after a weekend or vacation, make sure you stick to your

normal bedtime, wake up early, and allow the morning routine to

be a peaceful one. You don’t want to have to hit the ground running

after time off. Plan for some quiet time when your child arrives home

to unload the stresses of the day. A walk outside, a bike ride, or a trip

to the park can do wonders to settle your child into the week.

•
Encourage friendships with home playdates.
Ask your child’s

caregiver if there are any friends with whom your child has con-

nected. Set up a few playdates with these children at your home.

Make each visit relatively short, as too long a visit can be tiring for

a child who is new to this kind of socializing. Plan ahead to have a

craft or game ready, plus a meal or a snack, as some children will fi nd

a full session of unsupervised free time diffi cult to navigate.

Lindsey, three years old

98 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Once you’ve had a few successful sessions at your home, branch

out to a playdate at a friend’s home. At fi rst you may need to stay with

your child and visit with the other parent. If that goes well, attempt

a short child-only visit while you stay close by in the neighborhood.

Let the other parent know that you’re fi ne with a call for an early

pickup if things aren’t going smoothly. If this happens, let your child

know it’s okay that she left early. Find something to praise, such as

the fact that she remembered to say thank you when she left. Give

your child some time and another at-home play session, and then try

another short visit at a friend’s home.

•
Coordinate arrival with other families.
If you can, coordinate

your daily walk or ride to school with another family’s. Having a

friend along can change the dynamics of the drop-off routine dra-

matically. If your child resists the idea of the other parent driving,

then don’t push it—if you’re willing, be the sole chauffeur to allow

your child this visiting time with a friend. Once they’ve bonded on

the daily drive for a few weeks, then suggest the other parent take a

turn and see how things progress.

•
Introduce your child to the school and teacher.
If possible,

visit the school building and classroom prior to the beginning of

classes. Walk the halls with your child, peek in the classroom doors,

and play in the playground. In many cases, it’s possible to visit your

child’s actual classroom and meet the teacher for a casual hello. If

time permits, do this a few times before the fi rst day of school. These

visits allow your child to view the environment without having the

added pressure of being a participant.

This previsit can be a helpful way for your child to begin to pic-

ture herself in the classroom. These visits take the mystery out of the

new adventure and make the school more familiar when your child

arrives on that sometimes-scary fi rst day of school.

Mother-Speak

“Here in Sweden, parents leave the child on day one for one

hour, then on day two for two hours, and so on. That way the

children come to accept the preschool over time.”

—Patrycja, mother of four-year old Osvald and newborn Asta

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
99

•
Send your child off with a Kissing Hand.
Audrey Penn, in

her lovely book
The Kissing Hand
, tells the story of a little raccoon

who is afraid to attend his fi rst day of school. His wise mother kisses

the palm of his hand and tells him that any time he is worried he

can press his hand to his cheek and think,
Mommy loves me
. She

explains that her kiss will jump to his face and fi ll him with toasty

warm thoughts.

This is a wonderful idea, because any child can discretely put her

hand to her face and receive a boost of confi dence anytime she needs

it. It also acknowledges your child’s fears and lets her know that you

understand her feelings and are willing to help her fi nd a solution

that will help.

This book takes the next logical step and allows the little rac-

coon to place his own kiss in his mother’s hand so that she too has a

special gift to keep her happy all day. This addresses many children’s

worries about how their parent will fare while they are away.

•
Remain calm when your child is anxious.
When other adults

are waving good-bye to their confi dent children and your little one is

crying and clinging to your leg for dear life, it’s easy to become fl us-

tered. Many parents become sad and worried. These emotions can

be zapped right over to your child and increase her anxiety tenfold.

It’s that time when your child desperately needs you to present her

with calm, confi dent reassurance. Put on blinders and tune out the

other parents and children so that you can concentrate only on your

child. Focus on the positive aspects of the school and all it has to

Mother-Speak

“I really wish that I could stay home and be with Anna rather

than work. It is extremely diffi cult for me to leave her in day-

care, and I’ve found that I need to be careful about commu-

nicating that to her. My own separation anxiety has made her

anxiety worse. I have to remind myself every day that she is

safe and well cared for when she is apart from me. I concen-

trate on this now during the drop-off time, and I can see that

she is doing much better too. What a pair we are!”

—Jen, mother of two-year-old Anna

100 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

offer your child. Repeat a positive mantra in your mind:
She’s okay.

This is a great place. We can do this.
You can be most helpful to your

child when you convey a peaceful demeanor to her. (For more tips on

parental separation anxiety see Chapter 6.)

•
Be certain you have your child in the right place.
On occa-

sion, separation anxiety issues do not originate from a child’s devel-

opmental issues but, instead, from a poor fi t between the child and

the care provider. Those nagging feelings you have may be based on

more than just missing your child; they may be intuition that some-

thing is not quite right. Perhaps your child isn’t quite fi tting in or the

personality mix between your child and the caregiver isn’t jelling.

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, in his book
Touchpoints
, addresses the issue of

separation anxiety in a child-care setting:

It’s a good time to evaluate how the caregivers are handling the baby.

Drop by at unexpected times. See whether he’s happy or not. Look

to see whether the childcare providers are sensitive to his rhythms—

sleep, play, feeding, and so on. Also, when he looks at them, are they

sensitive to him, and do they offer respect and a caring nod? If so, it

will help your own separation. If not, it may be time to change.

Big-Kid School Time: Off to Kindergarten or

First Grade

My son had a wonderful preschool experience, but he’s

terrifi ed of starting kindergarten in a few weeks. He keeps

telling me he doesn’t want to leave me to go to “the big

school.” I keep telling him there is nothing to be afraid of,

but he insists he wants to stay home.

Even if your child has been in daycare or preschool for years, the

jump to kindergarten or fi rst grade can be like entering a whole new

world. The environment, expectations, and interaction between your

child and the teacher and new classmates are all very different from

anything he’s experienced before. There’s also a mystery about the

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
101

“big school” for many children, who suspect that they will have to

do schoolwork that is beyond their ability. In addition, your child’s

maturity level takes a leap at this age and causes him to examine his

surroundings in a more complex way, exposing him to new fears and

concerns he didn’t have way back when he was “little.”

The fi rst step to helping your child overcome his fear is to acknowl-

edge that these are truly valid emotions. He needs you to understand

that it’s not a simple process for him to put on a backpack and a smile

and head off to school. Actually, it may be quite the opposite—just

looking at his backpack might start his spiral of doubt, worry, and

fear.

You are your child’s best ally as he confronts and overcomes his

fears. You can help him achieve the confi dence to happily join his

classmates—but it does take time, patience, and consistent, planned

effort.

•
Learn if the problem is separation anxiety or something else.

There are many reasons that children feel anxious about school, and