The Officer and the Traveler (29 page)

“
I just know and you’ll have to trust me. If you’d reached fulfillment, you and I would both know it.”
 

Her confused and peeved expression remained in place, accented by a fierce blush. “Perhaps I did and you were too caught up in your own needs to have noticed.”

He deserved that. He’d been unnecessarily unkind to her after she’d responded to his unintended insinuation that she was a shameless wanton and all but proclaiming, yet again, that he didn’t love her. He did appreciate her, though, and had no reservations about showing her that she was appreciated. But love and appreciation were not the same thing.

Without another word between them, they made their way back to the barracks, with Michaela sitting high atop Sundance’s back, clenching her hands as if she held some sort of invisible lifeline and Gray walking right beside them, holding the reins.

When they reached the stables, the silence continued as Gray helped his wife dismount then put Sundance in her stall.

Tension crackled between them as they walked back to their room. Words of apology ran through his head. But why should he apologize? He didn’t love her and he couldn’t change that. He didn’t know how long it would take or if it’d ever happen, but until it did, he wouldn’t go back on his word to her. He owed that to himself and most of all, her.

All thoughts of apologies and honoring his word faded when he opened the door to their room and saw a piece of folded paper on the floor with a single word: GRAY.

He didn’t recognize the handwriting and woodenly bent to pick up the paper. He unfolded it and his heart stood still.

MEET ME IN THE SOUTHWEST BLOCKHOUSE AT 9:30 PM. I’LL BE WAITING. COME ALONE AND DON’T BE SEEN.

Gray dropped the unsigned note, panic building in his chest.
Jacobs
. That’s the only person who could have written such a missive. He’d recognize the pen of anyone else who’d have reason to address him so informally. Furthermore, Jacobs had to have known Gray had been trying to talk to him as of late. But why did they have to meet in secret? The idea of being alone with the man made his skin prickle. For all he knew this could be some sort of ambush. Why, he didn’t know, but he didn’t like it.
 

“
Michaela, I think it might be a good idea if we go check on Mrs. Lewis and see if she needs some soup.”
 

If she thought there was something odd about his statement, she didn’t say so.

Michaela was still smarting over the sting of their biting words toward each other when she arrived at the Lewises’.

She was rather surprised to find Ella and Allison already there, tending to Aunt Lucille. Uncle George, she was informed, had quarantined himself off in his office to finish some paperwork.

She didn’t think her help was needed, unfortunately her husband either didn’t notice or didn’t care that others were already here tending to Aunt Lucille when he left just as quickly as he’d arrived.

“
Where are Wes and Jack?”
 

“
Pa sent Jack on some fool errand,” Ella said with a slight frown.
 

“
And Wes went with him.”
 

Michaela’s weak smile grew. That was just like Pa. It had been four years since he’d retired and yet he was still commanding people about.

She walked over to the worktable and grabbed a pot. With nothing else to do, she might as well heed Gray’s suggestion and make a pot of soup.

A little while later the soup was on the stove to boil and Mrs. Lewis was resting. Michaela gently placed a hand on Mrs. Lewis' forehead. No fever, that was good. She was likely feeling better.

She removed her hand and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek before joining Allison and Ella in the sitting area.

“
I take it you rode Sundance,” Ella commented.
 

“
What makes you say that?”
 

“
Your hair looks nothing like it did this morning.”
 

Instinctively, Michaela’s hands went up to her hair. After Gray had turned away from her and she’d righted her gown, she tried in vain to get her hair into some semblance of a style. “Since when did you start memorizing my hairstyles?”

Ella stared at her then a silly grin came over her lips. “Oh, Michaela!”

Michaela and Allison exchanged looks. “What are you talking about?” she asked her sister.

“
I know why your hair is like that.” She waved her hand through the air. “Jack likes to touch my hair, too.”
 

Michaela gaped at her sister. “That’s not—” She broke off. What was the point of lying? “We
didn’t...
you know
...if that’s what you’re getting at.”
 

Allison patted her forearm. “Give him time,” she murmured, her brown eyes full of compassion and understanding.

Michaela almost snorted. “I don’t think there is any amount of time that will undo what’s happened now.”

“
Oh?”
 

Sighing, Michaela proceeded to give them a condensed version of the day’s events. “When we were out at the river alone, he started showing signs of interest.” She swallowed. “Undressing me and touching me and such. Then abruptly he stopped and pulled away. I asked what was wrong and before I knew it we were quarreling and in my mortification at the situation, I said the first thing I could think of, which was to insult his masculine ability.”

Silence filled the room. She’d expected nothing less.

Michaela fell back against the backrest of the settee. “I know. I’m a horrible, horrible person.”

“
I wouldn’t say that,” Allison said soothingly.
 

“
She’s right,” Ella agreed. “Just cut the horribles in half.” She flashed her sister a wry smile to show she was teasing. “Are you sure it’s as bad as you think?”
 

Michaela nodded. “I think so.”

“
I don’t,” Allison said.
 

“
How is that?”
 

Allison cast a hesitant glance over toward Ella, and at Michaela’s nod of approval, Allison continued. “If he was honest enough with you to say he wouldn’t share intimacies with you because he doesn’t love you, then I don’t see how he could possibly hold this against you.” She smoothed her hands over her skirts. “I think Gray knows you said that because you were embarrassed. I’d have been embarrassed too, had that happened to me. He isn’t so unfeeling as to not know that.”

“
I agree,” Ella said, an unasked question stamped on her face. “I didn’t know that he’d told you earlier that he wasn’t interested in a physical relationship with you. I’m assuming that was the argument you two had that I didn’t hear.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business. But what is my concern is your happiness and I really do agree with Allison. Gray doesn’t seem the sort to hold a grudge or make a hasty decision.”
 

Michaela let out a shaky laugh. Gray not hold a grudge? If only they knew how much he hated her father.

Allison touched Michaela’s arm again, catching her attention. “Michaela, I think he already knows you didn’t mean what you said, but if you think this will leave a lasting strain, then tell him the truth of your words and that you said them because he’d hurt your feelings and made you feel cheap.”

“
I don’t think I can say that,” she said, frowning. “That only proves his accusation that I’m a light skirt who is always willing to jump in bed with him.”
 

Ella gasped. “He said
that?
”
 

“
Not in so many words, but it was his meaning.”
 

“
Are you sure?” Allison questioned. “Remember our earlier conversation? Sometimes what Gray says and what he actually means aren’t the same.”
 

Another round of mortification swept over her. She couldn’t further explain her situation to them. Not if she still wanted to be able to look them in the eyes again. “He didn’t say that, I inferred it.” Knowing her blush was revealing more to them than she wanted to admit made her flush even more. “But it wasn’t just today. I’m the one who confronted him last time about why he had no such interest in me. And then with what happened today, he
must
think I’m a loose woman.”
 

Ella reached forward and patted her knee. “Then you need to show him that you’re not.”

“
Pardon? I never said I was.”
 

“
I know that, but if you think he suspects that you are, then maybe you need to let him know that you’re not. Tease him and make him want you.”
 

“
That won’t work,” a new voice said, startling all three of them.
 

Michaela sat frozen on her settee while both Allison and Ella greeted Sarah, who said something about her husband having to do something in one of the watchtowers later tonight as an explanation of why she was here. Michaela didn’t really listen; she just wasn’t interested.

“
Your husbands are coming this way,” Michaela heard Sarah say.
 

Michaela knew better than to believe Sarah was including Gray in her statement.

A moment later Jack and Wes had arrived and another moment later the four left, leaving Michaela and Sarah alone with a sleeping Aunt Lucille.

“
Would you like some tea?” Michaela forced a smile that she imagined looked more like a grimace.
 

“
No.” Sarah sat down on the sofa with not a hint of grace. Why had she even come if she just intended to be unpleasant? It wasn’t as if Sarah was making many friends these days. Michaela had suspected the only reason Ella and Allison spoke to her was to keep peace around here or for the sakes of their husband’s jobs since General Ridgely ultimately ran the fort.
 

Michaela didn’t know what she’d ever done to upset the woman, if anyone should be upset it should be Michaela for Sarah’s bold claim to having had an affair with her husband. Not that it was of any importance; the feeling of dislike was mutual between them.

Michaela took her time to make herself a cup of tea then when it wasn’t avoidable any longer, she took a seat across from Sarah to wait for Gray to do whatever it was he was doing and come back for her. If she weren’t afraid of what might happen to her if spotted walking alone through the barracks, she’d walk back to her room alone. The tension in the room was
that
uncomfortable.
 

“
Don’t tease him,” Sarah said at last, her voice so soft it was barely audible.
 

“
Excuse me?”
 

“
Your husband. Don’t tease him.” Sarah crossed her arms and chafed her upper arms with her opposite palms. “I heard part of your earlier conversation when I came in and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to tease him by leading him on then stopping things.” She lifted a hand as if to stop Michaela’s protest. “I know that’s not exactly what was suggested to you, but it goes in the same line of reasoning to make him think you either don’t want him or make him want you and then don’t follow through. Neither are good ideas.”
 

“
And you speak from experience?” Michaela winced. She didn’t mean to seem so unkind.
 

“
Yes.” Sarah let out a heavy sigh. Though Sarah had looked pale and had been withdrawn almost the entire time Michaela had been at the fort, tonight she looked worse than before. Her skin was so pale it was almost translucent and to be blunt, she looked tired. No, not tired; nor merely exhausted. She actually looked haggard. Lines were visible on her pale face and she looked like she’d even slimmed down. “I was married once before,” she said abruptly.
 

Michaela blinked; surprised Sarah was even talking to her, let alone giving her marital advice.

“
When I was seventeen I agreed to marry a man as a way to mutually benefit both our families, nothing more. In time, however, mutual affection developed. When he died, I foolishly agreed to marry his brother Amos, who said he was in need of a good wife while being stationed in the outstretches of the country. I knew he was fifteen years older than me, but I was seven-and-twenty with a child. I didn’t have many options. Besides, I thought our marriage would be similar to how it was with his brother.” She pursed her lips. “It’s not.”
 

Michaela was taken aback. She’d never given much thought to Sarah’s marriage before, but she’d never have guessed Sarah would be so bitter about it.

“
I’d been married to Chester for less than a year when an attraction developed between us. I’ve been married to Amos for five years and he’s just as cold to me as he was the day we married.” Something flashed in her eyes—sadness or regret, perhaps. “Last summer, I...I...uh...made a huge mistake. After Allison came and she and Wes settled into a loving newlywed state, I decided to take matters between Amos and I into my own hands. Until then, we’d shared intimacies exclusively the first Friday of the month. Everything was very cold and mechanical. I wondered if things were better
between us, in a physical sense, that he’d warm up to me and might allow me to invite my son Isaac to come live with us when we left Fort Gibson.” She sniffled. “I had no idea when we married that the first thing I’d be made to do is leave my son.”
 

Sarah shook her head sadly. “Sometimes Chester used to travel and when he’d come back, he couldn’t get me upstairs after dinner fast enough. So I thought if I found a way to put Amos off for one of our monthly assignations, he’d be so consumed with desire and longing he’d seek me out early for the next or show some sort of sign of desire for me the following time. But he didn’t. He was just as cool and reserved as he had been before. So I tried again. Longer this time. Only this time it was worse. I was out of a few cooking ingredients and needed to go to the Sutler’s store. I knew Amos usually took his lunch to his private office in the commanding officers' quarters and went to go ask him to go with me—” Her voice broke and the dread at the anticipation of Sarah’s next words overwhelmed Michaela.