The Power of Forgetting (15 page)

‘Get what?’

‘Who’s who in
your family. I had already found out more before we starting seeing
each other. Even before Sandglass. I did my homework. And that’s
why I’m sure that I am the best woman for the job.’

‘What job?’

‘Taking you on
permanently of course idiot!’

‘I’m not.’ I
said sounding irritated.

‘No, just
occasionally you need reminding that all we have is because of more
than just the things that cannot be changed. It a choice Jared.’
She took my hand, ‘I choose you. I never realised how strongly that
choice affects everything else. I’m not afraid of this Rimmington,
of anything he, or his little gang can do. And you need to realise
who is watching your back.’

I said nothing
then. The edge of this was the province for the women in my life.
They all formidable, somewhat scary, forthright, and independent. I
guess I’m rather dithery and flimsy compared to them.

‘Jared?’ Marcia
tries to catch my eye. I look down. She is scary….in a good way.
I’m really beginning to appreciate Adam’s take on Marcia as a
warrior woman with a big sword,

‘I think you’d
look good in leather.’ I said quite randomly.

‘Kinky…I didn’t
know you were that way inclined?’

‘I’m not…. well
I could be….it was something Adam said.’

‘You boys
should form a knitting Bee. When you all get together it’s like the
WI annual jolly.’

‘What?’

‘Knitting? You
do know what that is?’

‘Of course I
do…. are you reading my mind now?’

‘No.’ Marcia
eyed me strangely, ‘what makes you think that?’

‘Karis…. she
was….’ I couldn’t say what, because I didn’t know; so I just looked
down.

‘Why did you
run off like that?’

‘When?’

‘Today. The
anomaly….’

‘I can’t stand
conferences,’ I know I’m being sulky and closed off, ‘they talk
endlessly…. I needed some air.’

‘Don’t fob me
off.’

‘Alright!’ I
look her in the eye, ‘I was at the end of the Cloud Field with
Davey….and I thought I wasn’t coming back. I believed for a while I
wasn’t actually supposed to….and I….and I wanted to…to…’ I just
couldn’t bring myself to say it. I felt angry, because conventional
thinking was telling everything and everyone that I needed to be
brought back to heel. I tried again: ‘You were right. We must take
this challenge and go through the doorway.’

‘That isn’t at
all what you wanted to say.’ Marcia isn’t fooled for one
second.

‘I’m sorry for
being so transparent.’

‘Sarcasm is
only useful if you have the talent for it.’ Marcia leans closer,
‘you don’t, you know.’

‘But bitter and
jealous, angry and moody…that’s more my style?’

‘Why do you
torture yourself?’

‘I don’t know.
Why do you care Marcia?’

‘I’m going to
get to the bottom of this mystery!’ Marcia grabs me by both
shoulders and shakes me a little, ‘you are the most perplexing part
of it.’

‘Yeah; right.
Hanson thought I was in the way.’

‘Why are you
talking about him?’

‘Because you
went with him.’

‘Yes…’ she
let’s go of me then. I’m pushing her away again. I can feel the
gravity of all that weight inside. I can see the light going
outside, and I’ve lost my perspective again. I hate them all for
being so clever, and together. I’m falling apart. I’m falling into
little pieces. I want to go through the door. I want an excuse to
be in mortal peril…. because I’m not afraid to die. I fact I would
welcome it. It’s better than being alive in this amount of pain.
Something oily and snake-like is swimming inside my mind. I don’t
want to contaminate this beautiful woman with that dark horrible
side of me. I had forgotten how strongly it pained me. Being on the
expedition had erased this. But now, after several months of
relative calm, it has come back with vicious suddenness. I can’t
see clearly; I’m afraid to feel; afraid to let go. I would rather
be alone…half a life; but at least I can live with some dignity. I
haven’t even the claim to be original. An artist…. And a tormented
soul…. Oh God! Help Me! I am ashamed of the cliché…. But this is no
affectation.

I look towards
her again, but she has gone. I am choked with an emptiness so deep
and hollow that I just curl up in the chair and shut everything
out….

A long while
later I’m lying on my bed staring into nothingness. That attack of
blackness…. that thing that happens sometimes has passed. I feel
empty and listless. There is nothing there. Not happy or sad, or
anything. Just a blank stillness. I can’t live like this. I have to
do something about it. It hasn’t got better; it’s just sometimes
easier to control. When I’m working I feel fine…mostly. When I’m
here it intensifies. I think it’s because I can’t escape then. But
facing what you fear…. I do it every time. That demonic presence
that I feel; I’ve been told it is just a part of how I am; and that
it will go if I do get some treatment. But they don’t know what it
really is…. the conventional perspective on one’s mental health is
that such things are all in the mind. Some are; I concede that, but
what else is here? If dear Violette is just ready to admit more
that the things at the limits of her scientific knowledge; what
chance would one of her profession have, who didn’t know about this
secret scientific cutting edge work that we all took part in?

In the world of
many of the people I know, where the science stops, something else
begins: Time bends around us, it ripples through us. We are visited
by forces of nature and messengers from beyond. This house: is a
house of many things wonderful and marvellous. And I know I must
make my peace with one of these.

Someone is
knocking at the bedroom door. I groan and rollover onto my side
again. I just want to scream; and shout “Go Away!” when I recognise
Davey’s voice. I let him in.

We sit down on
my bed looking at each other cautiously.

‘Do you want
some tea?’ he says.

‘Drink or
eat?’

‘Drink… then
eat.’

‘I suppose
so.’

‘It will be
here in five minutes. It’s Sam. I know you won’t have a go at him,
will you?’

‘No.’

‘Oliver has
arrived at the pub. He’s staying there. And Alex is coming tomorrow
with all our kit.’

‘Alex?’ I feel
a little perkier, ‘The boatman?’

‘Yeah! Alex.
Thank the Lord for some good things.’

‘Sorry.’ I
say.

‘What for?’

‘For being
difficult.’

‘I’ve met you
when you are being really difficult. This isn’t it.’ Davey smiles
encouragingly.

‘Oh….’ I try
not to think of that fight.

‘You can
practice on me again if you like,’ Davey is light and still cheery,
‘Jules has been teaching me a few moves.’

‘Judo?’

‘Umm…something
like that. He’s a very good teacher.’

‘Will he come
with us?’

‘I don’t think
so.’ Davey gets up as someone taps on the door.

Sam hands him
two mugs, and quickly disappears again.

‘Why didn’t he
stay?’ I ask.

‘They are all
talking about you, ‘Davey replies, ‘I think it’s more interesting
to gossip than to find out facts.’

‘What are they
saying?’

‘I think Morel
and Sam have begun to like each other.’

‘They both
agree on something?’ I venture.

‘Yes. How nuts
you are!’ Davey laughed, ‘I’m kidding!’

‘That’s ok…. It
is true.’

‘About the
gossip?’

‘No. About me
being nuts.’ I’m trying to be jokey but it’s killing me, because
Davey is my friend and he is the closest thing to a brother I will
ever have.

‘You’re ok.’
says Davey.

‘I really am
not actually….’ I smile almost, ‘I want to get away as soon as
possible.’

‘We can get
going in two days. Is that okay?’

‘Thanks… that’s
good news.’

‘Set your mind
at rest?’

‘It helps just
knowing.’ I hold the mug in both hands, ‘good tea.’

‘Marcia made
it,’ Davey is cautious again.

‘Okay.’

‘Is she coming
on our new expedition?’

‘Of course.
She’s the most reliable team member there is. And actually has the
Team Leader’s seniority.’

‘That’s your
job.’

‘I don’t know
about that…’

‘Marcia won’t
take that from you. She told me that.’

‘She did?’ I
feel a little better, and drink a little more tea.

‘She also said
that she would like to come and see you when you’re feeling a
bit…err, more yourself…’

‘I’m okay now.’
I say lightly.

‘I’ll tell her
that then; when I go downstairs?’

‘If you
like.’

‘What shall I
say?’

‘Tell her….
tell her.’ I look at him feeling frozen, ‘What should I say?’

‘ “Sorry” might
be a good place to start.’ Davey is getting a little more
defensive. I start to crinkle up again.

‘Please stop…’
I whisper then.

Davey gets up
and leaves quietly. I stare at the empty cup. A while later I click
on the bed side lamp. No one comes to the room.

‘Do you have
the oxygen bottles?’ asked Marcia.

‘Right here
dear Lady.’ Alex bounded towards us, ‘I also bring sandwiches, and
coffee.’ He handed them over and turned to me; ‘You seem better
than when I last saw you.’

‘I guess.’ I
wasn’t quite sure how to take Alex. A cross between Tigger, and a
squirrel on caffeine. He slapped me on the back. I stumbled
forward.

‘Steady on
there!’ he pulled me upright again, ‘sorry, I forgot about the
shoulder.’

‘It’s fine.’ I
said.

‘You look
better,’ Alex was suddenly serious, looking at me intently, ‘I
didn’t say great. And this time if you get in to trouble again; I
suppose Davey will have to enlist my help once more with style and
attitude. Now what else do we need to get ready?’

‘Would you get
George to call everyone,’ said Marcia, ‘we need the hardware.’

‘Alright,’ said
Alex, ‘but do you think it really necessary to carry so many
knives?’

‘Absolutely.’
said Marcia strapping on the thigh sheath.

‘Righto then,’
Alex stepped forward, paused, half turned to me and said rather
weirdly, ‘we all expect trouble; and you are next in line for
it.’

‘What?’

‘Davey is
really freaked out about something. And his girlfriend has already
made an improper suggestion to me this morning.’

I haven’t a
clue what’s going on. So I wait until Marcia goes through to the
other tent.

‘Tell me.’ I
say.

Alex perches on
a stool and picks up a nearby clipboard, ‘You think this is all
necessary? There has got to be a simpler solution than just taking
the bait.’

‘I’m open to
ideas.’ I watch him carefully. He doesn’t react in a way that is
easy to read.

‘You are
really, totally fucked up,’ Alex says, ‘so I suppose there must be
a woman involved?’

'Are you going
to tell everyone that?'

'Of course not!
If Davey wants to go on an adventure with a bunch of nutcases, I'm
all in favour of it!' Alex stares at me hard, 'I guess I'm trying
to get you pegged so I know how much being annoyed you can
handle.'

'Err...'

'That's
alright. I'll go easy on you until you are fully initiated.
Shouldn't take longer than six months. You're already part way
there!'

'I bear that in
mind Alex.' I'm smiling in spite of myself, and take the cup of
coffee he passes to me.

'Nice suits you
kids wear. ``````````````If I was going on an expedition?'

'I think so.
But they are all made to measure.'

'You must get
me the name of your tailor.' Alex and I both laughed; I swigged
more coffee.

‘Just a
minute,’ I say backtracking with sudden realisation, ‘you meant
Janey? She said something to you?’

‘Yes,’ Alex
frowns then, ‘the blonde chick. Small and delicious. I thought I
couldn’t be shocked.’

‘What did she
say?’

‘I think I’d
rather not say. But it did involve something deviant and sexual in
nature. I am quite open-minded, but I think Davey may be making a
big mistake by hooking up with that sexy little fireball.’

‘That…. little
fireball is my sister!’ I tried to sound bossy, but it came out as
a slightly choked croak.

‘You are
strongly advised by Uncle Alex to handle this situation with
extreme caution.’ He stood up, and prodded me in the chest, ‘I’m on
your side Chief. By reason of Davey being so devoted to you and all
that. I’ve yet to fully understand why that is....no offence!’

‘None
taken.’

‘Good Man.’ He
grinned at me, ‘now where do you want them all to gather for the
ritualised leave taking?’

‘Near the
Icelandic.’

‘That reminds
me of a girl I used to know…’ Alex smirks.

‘So why haven’t
you got someone?’ I’m genuinely curious.

‘I have already
met the perfect woman,’ Alex goes all dreamy, ‘I saw her…and it was
Love at first sight!’

‘Wow!’

‘Yes…. she’s
one of Davey’s old friends. I want him to introduce us. But he says
he doesn’t have her number.’

I’m trying to
work out who he’s talking about, but Alex saves me the trouble.

‘Yes; she is
gorgeous, and blonde, and not too short. And looks great in the
rain. My kind of outdoor girl.’

‘Really?’ I sit
down, this is all getting a bit much.

‘She was in
Davey’s back garden…can you believe that?’

‘His back
garden?’

‘Yes. He was
just about to go back and find you. The mad bat! I think it must be
worth it considering the turnout. I mean look at them all.’ Alex
pulls back the tent flap.

I see a
gathering I never thought to see. They were all there…. All the
original team even Nikolas; Aiden, Ellen and Kay; Dieter, George,
Sam and Kyle; then Violette was there standing near Jules; and my
family gathered around the smallest transport vehicle we had been
able to “borrow”. Karis, Leo and Laura turned towards me; then in a
ripple of silence they all stopped talking, and faced me. Alex
prodded me in the back. I moved forward reluctantly, facing all
those pairs of eyes. Silence, and waiting for someone to speak. Leo
caught my eye and nodded a fraction. I wasn’t comfortable with this
at all; but they seemed so expectant, so much in need of some
encouragement.