The Publicist Book One and Two (44 page)

“Kate? Are you okay?”

She jumped slightly and looked over at him. He stood in the doorway wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She watched him for a moment and realized that after this, nothing would ever be the same. Here it was, that dividing line between what was and what will be.

Although it was pretty dark, Nick could see that Kate had been crying. He walked over to her and settled into the soft cushion beside her. She was still wearing her jacket and the dress she’d had on at dinner.

“You haven’t been to bed?” he asked. Kate didn’t respond.

“I-I have been thinking,” her voice wobbled and cracked from fear and dread and the million tears she’d been crying.

Nick gently stroked her hair; she knew in an instant she would miss him. But not the way she should. She’d miss his friendship. Nick was a good friend. She cursed herself for not seeing that sooner. Maybe if she had, she could have kept him as one.

“Kate, it’s okay. You can tell me anything.”

She turned toward him and looked into his eyes. “Nick, I’m so grateful for what you’ve done for me all these months.”

He smiled—that beautiful, disarming smile that was never intended for her. “I was happy to be here for you, Kate. I love you, and you know that. I am so happy to be with you, to be here with you, and to be getting married—”

“Stop!” she said, more abruptly and louder than she’d intended. Her voice choked with tears. “Just stop.” She held up a hand, as if putting a barrier between them.

“Kate, I—”

“I’m so sorry, Nick. You’ve been so good to me, and I, just, I didn’t think. I wasn’t thinking…”

Nick frowned, not sure where she was going with this, but wherever it was, it didn’t feel good.

Kate tried to steady her voice before she continued. “I love you, Nick, but the thing is, I am not in love with you and I can’t marry you and I’m so very sorry.” Kate reached for Nick’s hand but he pulled back. She could see the shock of her words had reached him. His smile dropped from his face.

“I don’t understand,” he said, finally, in a voice that didn’t sound like his.

Kate took in a deep, shaky breath. “It’s just that tonight, I realized—”

“Wait, you just realized this tonight and we’ve been playing house for how long now?” As Nick’s anger rose, so did his voice. Kate tried to take his hands again; he threw her off and stood up. He stood against the dark tree, which looked ominous behind him.

“Nick, I, I don’t know how I let this happen. I was so damaged when I left New York and you were so kind and I, I guess I took advantage of that kindness, and I’m sorry. I’m so desperately sorry. But I needed to stop this now, to tell you, and I am so sick over this, Nick. I hate myself for what I’ve done to you.”

“You’re sick over this?” Nick turned to face the tree. She was pretty sure she’d seen a tear in his eye.

Kate rubbed her hands together and took a deep breath before she continued. “You were like a life preserver, and I was drowning in my grief and my heartbreak.”

“Is this about Mac?” he asked, turning and catching her eyes with a gaze that burned right through her.

She shook her head. “No, no it’s not. I did see him recently, but honestly, this isn’t about Mac. It’s about me and the shambles I’ve made of my life and how completely unfair it was to drag you into this with me.” Kate stood up and walked over to him. She saw Nick stiffen.

Kate licked her lips nervously. “Nick, I will never forgive myself for this. I hope you know that.”

Nick just stared at her. “And that’s supposed to absolve you of this? Of playing this charade? Pretending all these months and letting me believe that we had a future?” He crossed his arms. “Go to hell, Kate.” He began to walk away and Kate reached for his arm. Nick pulled back and stared her down. “Do not ever touch me again.” His voice dripped with anger.

She stepped back. “Nick, I hope you know that I did not do this intentionally. I would never intentionally hurt you. Ever.”

“Well, that’s a fucking relief, Kate, because I’m not sure what it is you did here, but it sure as fuck feels intentional.”

Kate took a shaky hand and slipped the ring from her finger.

Nick put out his hand. “No, keep it. Keep it as a reminder of what you did. You live in a world of fiction and make believe, Kate, but that’s not how life is. You can’t just stand there and tell me you’re sorry and that this is all for my benefit and expect me to just shrug and say, ‘Okay, sure, fine, I get it,’ and just walk away. Maybe it works like that in those books you promote, but reality is much different.” Nick’s voice caught. “I love you, Kate, with my whole heart and soul. I wanted to marry you and make babies with you and spend my life just adoring you. That’s all I wanted. And yes, I wanted to help you. I wanted to help you back on your feet, but what I never wanted was to be someone’s fucking life preserver.”

“Nick, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.”

He shook his head. “No, Kate, that’s exactly what you meant. A life preserver. That’s what I was. Just keeping someone from drowning. But guess what? You’re going to drown anyway. You think this Mac is going to want you back? He’s a player, Kate, a fucking player. He will never settle down and you’ll always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he’s cheating on you, because he probably is. But if that’s what you want, I won’t stop you.”

“It’s not about Mac. Really, it’s not,” Kate said, in almost a whisper. “It’s about doing the right thing.”

“It’s a little late for that now, don’t you think?”

Kate didn’t respond. Nick was right. It was too late, too late for everything.

“I’m going for a drive,” he said, and walked out of the living room.

“Nick, you shouldn’t drive in this condition.”

Nick turned and held her gaze with a stare that took her breath away, but not in a good way. “Don’t pretend to care about me now,” he said and vanished up the stairs.

Within ten minutes, she heard his Jeep start up and tear out of the driveway. Kate looked at the clock. It was barely four a.m. Her life was a disaster and she’d ruined Nick’s in the process, too. “Merry Christmas,” she said to no one.

Chapter Fifty-Nine

After Nick left, Kate started packing up her things. Grabbing whatever boxes she could find, she just threw her stuff into them without bothering to fold most of it. Kate went into Nick’s office and cleaned her stuff out there, too. She piled the boxes into a corner in the garage, packed a suitcase, and loaded it into Grace’s car. Kate called Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica. It was barely five a.m., but she was able to make a reservation for that night; she was surprised they still had rooms available five days before Christmas.

“Our check-in isn’t until three p.m., Ma’am,” the too-chipper voice on the other end said.

It didn’t matter; she was going into work anyway. “That’s fine.”

“So, to confirm, we have you booked through January sixth?”

“Yes, thanks.” She was booked on a flight to New York that day. She had a lot to figure out between now and then.

Kate started up the car and headed to her office. She’d left a note for Nick and the ring, telling him she’d come by when he was at the stores and get the rest of her things. Easier. He wouldn’t have to see her. She assumed he wanted it that way and she didn’t want or need to keep the ring. It was just an exquisite reminder of what she’d done and the pain she’d caused. Kate’s mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts and unwelcome emotion. She’d broken Nick’s heart—the man who’d done nothing but support her and love her. Kate felt a headache start at the base of her skull; the tendrils of it wove quickly through her head. She stopped at a CVS on the way to her office and bought some aspirin and a bottle of water. The clerk at checkout was a smiling freckle faced kid with angry red hair that jutted out in sharp tufts around his face. He reminded her of Pete. He threw her a broad smile that was both welcoming and genuine. Nope. Definitely not Pete. “Good morning!” he enthused. She really hated chipper people right now.

Suddenly she had the urge to call Grace. Walking into the parking lot, Kate pulled her phone from her purse and dialed the familiar number.

“Hey, Stranger, Merry Almost Whatever.” The minute Kate heard Grace’s voice, she started to cry. Through tears, Kate told her friend the entire story.

“Kate, I’m coming out there. I’m not letting you spend Christmas alone.”

“Really, I’ll be fine.” They both knew that was a lie.

“You’re not fine. I’m coming out.”

“The tickets will cost you a fortune.”

“You forget, I’m saving all kinds of money not paying for car storage. I’ll see you soon and I love you. Where are you staying?”

“Shutters on the Beach. I’ll text you the address.”

“Perfect, I’ll let you know what time I get in.”

“Gracie,” Kate began, the tears flowing again.

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“I love you, Katie, and I’ll see you soon.”

Kate started up the car and suddenly remembered Andrew. He and James were driving out to spend Christmas with her and Nick. God, what a mess. Quickly, she punched in Andrew’s number.

“Hello, Love. We’re just packing up the car. I can’t wait to see you.”

“Andrew, there’s been a slight change of plans.”

“Oh, dear, that doesn’t sound good.”

“Listen, I’m not at the house anymore. Nick and I, well, I ended our engagement.”

For a moment, Andrew was silent. Then he said quietly, “I’m proud of you, Katie. Really, it was the right thing to do.”

“I-I know, but right and easy aren’t always the same thing.”

“Very true. Listen, we’ll be there in five hours, four if James lets me drive, which I doubt he will. Then we’ll all figure this out together.”

“You don’t have to come out. I mean, we had planned to have you both at the house and make dinner.”

“Bloody hell, sweet Kate, forget all of that. We’re coming anyway. Where are you staying?”

“Shutters on the Beach.”

“Oh, lovely. I think I may have been banned from there years ago. I’ll have James put the reservation in his name then. We’ll see you this afternoon.”

Kate hung up the phone; she was really lucky to have such great friends. She could picture Grace, bundled up and hailing a cab headed for JFK. By tomorrow, she’d be surrounded by people who loved her. But for now, she was alone. Alone with her thoughts and alone with the pain of what she’d done. Kate drove to the beach instead. She needed to think and figure out her life. Would she stay in California or head back to New York? Before she even stepped foot on the beach, she knew the answer.

Chapter Sixty

By the time Andrew and James pulled up at Shutters, Kate was waiting for them outside. James put the car in Park and handed his keys to the valet. Andrew walked over to Kate; several heads turned when he did.

“My darling, Kate.” He hugged her. “How are you? We would have been here sooner, but James insisted on driving. He likes to obey the laws—something I’ve always had a problem with.”

Kate managed a smile; it was good to see her friends again. “I’m glad you’re here.” She looked around; people were still staring. Andrew leaned in and whispered, “I bet they all think I’m Mick Jaggar. Should I kiss James and watch the tabloids all report tomorrow that Mickey is gay?” Kate chuckled; Andrew’s humor was just what she needed to get her through this day.

“James, my love, let’s go inside.” He turned to Kate. “We got a suite. Well, James did.”

James left their luggage with the bellman, and after getting their keys, they ushered Kate into the elevator. While all the rooms at Shutters were lovely, the suites were particularly extraordinary. Often catering to the very rich and the occasional celebrity, the rooms were appointed with Jacuzzi tubs, a Bose stereo sound system, and a state-of-the-art high definition flat panel television in every room—even the bathrooms. There were even two bathrooms, a full kitchen, and a dining room. It was more like an apartment than a hotel suite.

“We asked the hotel to order tequila,” James smiled, “lots of it.”

Andrew kissed him on the cheek. “James’s margaritas, of course.”

“Perfect. I can drown my sorrows and try to forget what a hideous person I am.”

Andrew took her hand and pulled her over to the couch; she sank into one of the soft cushions.

“Katharine Mitchell, listen to me closely.” Andrew began. Kate was certain she’d never heard him this stern. “You made a mistake, that’s all. We’ve all been there. God knows I have. But you aren’t a hideous person. You stopped this before it was too late.”

“I hurt Nick,” she said, deflated.

“Yes, you did, but you would have hurt him anyway. Even if you hadn’t been engaged. Pain is pain. At least you stopped it before it got completely out of control.”

Kate nodded, although she wasn’t sure if it hadn’t gotten out of control already. They were living together, engaged. It was all a ridiculous mess.

There was a knock at the door. “That’ll be room service,” James said and opened the door. A cart was wheeled in with several covered dishes and three bottles of tequila.

“Did you bring the mix?” he asked the waiter.

“Yes, Sir. It’s on the tray below.” He pointed down to a second shelf. “And there’s a blender in the cabinet.”

“Thank you.” James signed the bill and grabbed the bottles. “Margaritas coming up, and in the meantime, we also ordered food. Andrew was certain you hadn’t eaten either.”

“You two are too good to me.” She felt her throat catch; their kindness almost overwhelmed her. She looked down at her skirt, remembering she’d thrown it on at some ungodly hour this morning before she’d left Nick’s house. It was wrinkled and needed ironing. She tried to smooth the skirt and tuck an unruly strand of hair behind her ear. Andrew stopped her hand. “It’s okay, Love. You look beautiful.”

She sighed. “I do get it now how it happens—how easy it is to just let stuff be.”

Andrew frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I never understood how Mac could do it. You know, have a wife and a second life that didn’t even include her, and have all of these relationships on the side. Why not just do the right thing? But it’s easier just to let sleeping dogs lie. Just keep the status quo. You get so caught up in the story of why your life has to be the way it is that it just takes over. Suddenly, you find yourself in the middle of your story and realize it’s too late to turn back.”

Andrew nodded. “Yes, it’s a lot harder to do what you did.”

“He finally did it, though, you know—divorced her.”

“I know. Is that why you left Nick?”

“No. Well, yes, but it’s not because I wanted to run to Mac. I just realized I didn’t love Nick the way I should, and that all this running I did—running from something and someone—I never faced my life and what happened.”

“It’s easier to run, Love. I know that first hand.”

Kate nodded. “It is easier, but we all have to go home.”

“And where is home for you now?”

Kate smiled. “New York. I’m going home, Andrew. It’s time.”

…

They all went to pick Grace up the next day; Andrew drew a crowd and signed a few autographs as they waited for her friend. When Grace finally emerged from the terminal, Kate felt every possible emotion well up in her: the months since her departure from New York, the long, long nights wishing that things had gone differently, and then, the slow rise back into publishing with one man at her side—Nick. Now he was gone, and she was left to face what she should have faced months ago. Grace hugged her friend tightly and Kate fought back more hot tears. “It’s going to be okay, Katie. I promise you it’s going to be okay.” And somehow, Kate believed her.