The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (20 page)

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Aye.

WITHENSHAW
: Mrs. Ebury.

MRS. EBURY
: Aye.

WITHENSHAW
: Mr. French.

FRENCH
: No.

WITHENSHAW
: Mr. McTeazle.

MCTEAZLE
: Aye.

WITHENSHAW
: Carried.

MADDIE
: Line down the middle?

WITHENSHAW
: Line down the middle.
(
FRENCH
is slightly surprised by this
.) Committee divided 4-1.

MADDIE
: Home win.

WITHENSHAW
: Home win. Mr. French lone scorer for visitors.

FRENCH
: I beg your pardon?

WITHENSHAW
: The terminology of committee practice is in a constant state of organic change, Mr. French. If you can’t keep up you’ll be no use to us. Paragraph 5.

FRENCH
: Excuse me, Mr. Chairman.

WITHENSHAW
: Yes, Mr. French?

FRENCH
: We haven’t heard any evidence.

WITHENSHAW
: Evidence about what, Mr. French?

FRENCH
: You know very well, evidence about what—evidence about 128 Members of Parliament making fools of themselves over a latter day Dubarry and bringing the House into public ridicule and disrepute.

WITHENSHAW
(
heatedly
): Do you believe everything you read in
the papers, Mr. French?

FRENCH
(
also heatedly
): I wish to have this exchange of views recorded in the minutes.

WITHENSHAW
(
at
MADDIE’S
speed, to
FRENCH): DO
you believe everything you read in the papers, Mr. French?

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
(
at
MADDIE
’s
speed, to
FRENCH)
: It is true that some of us have been feeling up … (
Pause
,
ALL
react to ‘feeling up’ with some trepidation
.
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
continues innocently
.) … to now that evidence as such does not exist in these matters.

ALL
: Hear (
pause
) hear!
(
FRENCH
has taken some time to cotton on to the reason for the rate of speech, because the other Members have tactfully ignored
MADDIE. FRENCH
goes through various stages of bewilderment and suspicion before noting
MADDIE’S
writing speed
.)

FRENCH
: Just a minute—excuse me—is Miss Gotobed a secretary/clerk of the Clerks Department?

WITHENSHAW
: Why d’you ask?

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: She can do forty words a minute.

FRENCH
: Shorthand?

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE: NO
—talking.

MRS. EBURY
: She is seconded from the Home Office.

FRENCH
: What is her job there? A manicurist?

MADDIE
: I’m a typist.

WITHENSHAW
: Miss Gotobed has been recommended, by different people, I understand, in a period of some difficulty.

FRBNCH
: I was expecting to have Mr. Barraclough, a man of irreproachable credentials——

WITHENSHAW
: I believe he has taken early retirement for personal reasons.

MADDIE
: Barry has?

WITHENSHAW
: I must insist that we get on with the proper business of this Committee. (
FRENCH
getting hysterical
.)

FRENCH
: The proper business of this Committee is to examine witnesses!

WITHENSHAW
: If you will be so patient, Mr. French, you will be reminded that paragraph 5 will take cognizance of the evidence heard by this Select Committee in its previous incarnation during last session.

FRENCH
: I was not a member then.

WITHENSHAW
: None of us were members then, Mr. French. This Committee has suffered the resignation for personal reasons of the previous membership—and for medical reasons, of the previous chairman, Sir Joshua Matlock who dislocated his hip——

MADDIE
: Both hips——

WITHENSHAW
: Both hips. Nevertheless that evidence, such as it was, is something which I have given due consideration in preparing this draft report. (
To
MADDIE.) NOW.
(
Generally, at
MADDIE
’s
speed
.) Paragraph 5 read as follows. (
Normal speed
.) (
ALL
turn to proper place in draft report
.) Your Committee also had the advantage of having a number of distinguished journalists regaling the Committee with the moving and heroic tale of the struggle of the British press from time immemorial to become independent watchdogs of the people’s right to know; with many reference to flames, torches, swords, pens, grails and the general impedimenta of chivalrous quest…

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
(
giggles):
Tennyson’s Disease.

WITHENSHAW
: … Unfortunately, the witnesses were considerably less helpful on the subject of their sources for the unsubstantiated speculations which were the chief and only reason for the witnesses being called. In the words of Alfred Lord… (
pause
) your Committee therefore was unable to conclude that the aforesaid speculations had any basis in fact——

MCTEAZLE
: Amendment, Mr. Chairman.

WITHENSHAW
: Yes, Mr. McTeazle.

MCTEAZLE
: Paragraph 5 line 1 before the word ‘journalists’ to
omit the word ‘distinguished’.

FRENCH
: Then we should examine the editors.

WITHENSHAW
: Can we dispose of this amendment?

FRENCH
: What about the leading article in this week’s
New
Statesman
? It refers to private information.

WITHENSHAW
(
jeers
): Private information? Gossiping over Bristol
Cream in Vincent Square?

FRENCH
: That is your assumption only.

WITHENSHAW
: Where else would he pick anything up—young
pup—what’s-his-name——

MADDIE
: Tony.

FRENCH
: The editors must be in possession of hard information otherwise they would not let the reporters publish the rumours.

WITHENSHAW
: Don’t be a fool, man.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: I’m afraid that that does not always follow, Mr. French.

FRENCH
: What about
The Times
? You’re not suggesting that the
editor of
The Times
—a man of irreproachable credentials——(
Heatedly to
MADDIE
.) Mr. French proposed: that the editor of
The Times
…

WITHENSHAW
: Not so quickly please.

FRENCH
(
slowly):
Mr. French proposed …

MCTEAZLE
(
to
MRS. EBURY
): What do you think of it so far?

MRS. EBURY
: Rubbish!

FRENCH
(
continues slowly):
… that the editor of
The Times
(
resuming his normal speed
)—whatever his name is——

MADDIE
: Willy.

WITHENSHAW
(
impatiently
): This is already dealt with in appendix B.
The Times
has published no rumours, it’s only reported facts, namely that less responsible papers are publishing certain rumours.
That
is a written deposition from the editor (
rifling through appendix B)
.

FRENCH
: It is not. It is a memorandum from one of the Whips who bumped into him in the interval at Covent Garden. Can any one of us truthfully say that we have
really
examined the editor of
The Times?

CHAMBERLAIN
: No.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTIIE: NO.

WITHENSHAW
: No.

MRS. EBURY
: No.

MCTEAZLE: NO.

MADDIB
: Not really.
(
Or from Stage Right round the table
.)

WITHENSHAW
: I must insist that we get back to bloody
amendment. The question is put—to omit in line one of paragraph 5 the word ‘distinguished’ before the word ‘journalists’. All in favour.

ALL
(
except
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
and
FRENCH)
: Aye.

WITHENSHAW
: Against.

WITHENSHAW
: Arsenal 3 Newcastle 2. Scorers McTeazle, Chamberlain and Ebury for Arsenal. French and Cocklebury-Smythe, own goal, for Newcastle.

FRENCH
: What the hell are you talking about?

WITHENSHAW
: Kindly watch your language—you’re not on
terraces now, y’know.

MRS. EBURY
: And there are ladies present.

FRENCH
: All right! Cards on the table! I didn’t want to be the one to bring this up, but I rather expected to learn on arriving here today that one of our number—I exclude Mrs. Ebury of course—had seen fit to resign from this Committee. I refer to the paragraph in today’s
Mail
about the têtte-à-têtte at the Côte d’Or.

MRS. EBURY
: Cock.

FRENCH
: Coq d’Or.

MRS. EBURY
: Double cock.

FRENCH
: Without either a resignation or alternatively our joint repudiation of the story I don’t see how this Committee can have the confidence of the House.

MRS. EBURY
: Ballocks.

FRENCH
: That is not an expression which I would have associated with you, Mrs. Ebury.

MRS. EBURY
: I don’t need you to tell me my problems.

WITHENSHAW
(
aside to
MADDIE)
: The Committee deliberated.

FRENCH
: I find the Committee’s silence on this point significant.

WITHENSHAW
: Well, we all thought it was you.

FRENCH
: I left for my constituency on Friday evening and
returned this morning. The only meal
I
’ve had this weekend in a London restaurant was tea on Friday at the Golden Egg in Victoria Street.