The Rise of Emery James (21 page)

"I'm sorry that you've had to go through all of this," he says finally. "I hate seeing you in pain. I hate the confusion that settles in your eyes and the doubt that the whole situation makes you feel. I know I push you to be the old Emery, but I do know that life has changed you. I do get that. But I can't help but want to be there to help bring you back out of all of it."

I take in his words, and roll them over in my head, in my heart, where they choose to settle and take hold. "You've been a lifesaver to me, Cole. You have to know that," I admit. He hugs me closer in response and we slip back into our comfortable silence.

This night has brought me a sense of comfort that I haven't felt in a long time. More than that, it has awakened something else that I never expected to get back. Hope. It still feels shaky. Distant. But it no longer feels impossible. That feels huge.

"I could stay out here all night," Cole says finally breaking the silence, His lips move across the top of my head and it sends tingles down my back. This time my shivers aren't from the cold, he owns each one of them.

"Me, too," I agree. What I don't say is that I could spend it anywhere as long as he was here with me.

I am lost in my thoughts as he drives back to my house. Talking about Gabe has me feeling weak and raw. Even though I didn't get into it all, just inviting him into the moment makes me feel like I'm suffocating. He always did have a way of taking all of the air when he was around.

"Are you okay over there?" Cole asks. I don't look at him, I can't. My emotions feel like they are starting to spiral away from me and I know if I look at him I'm going to lose the battle to control them.

"Yeah," I say, still staring out the window.

"Em?" he asks. God, I have to be confusing him. Things felt so good when we were in that truck bed staring at the stars. It felt so good to be there in his arms. I felt safe. Now that we are headed back to the dark reality my wounds feel fresh again.

"I'm okay," I assure him.

He doesn't push and soon we're pulling up to the house. Finally, I look at him. "I really did have a great time today. More than you know," I say. I don't want my sudden shift in mood to make him doubt that.

"Hey, talk to me. What's going on?" he asks.

"Thinking too much," I say, hoping he'll let it go at that. I lean across the console and kiss his cheek before jumping down from the truck.

He doesn't let it go though. He follows me out and up the steps of the porch.

"Sit with me for a minute," he says, grabbing my hand and pulling me to a stop. I consider protesting, but I can't refuse him. Not after he made this day so special for me.

We sit down on the steps, crickets chirping all around us. It's such a peaceful sound. I try and concentrate on the sound and let it calm the blood that seems to be rushing through my ears. The wave that seems to take me under whenever I let myself think too much. When I take on too many memories on at once.

"Why don't you talk to me?" he suggests. I feel like I've done nothing but talk. I'm constantly spilling out my issues to Cole. He's bound to be sick of hearing them. Tired of trying to fix me.

"I'm fine, really. It's just all that talk about Gabe and leaving everything behind left me feeling unsteady. It reminds me just how far I still have to go," I admit. I glance over at him and he's listening so intently that I continue. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to find my way back. Or if I even want to."

"Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? You have been through so much. You've lost in ways that are going to scar your heart. Do you not see how much fight you have? Because I do. I still see that scrappy girl who takes on the world even when it deals her a shitty hand," he says.

"I'm not a fighter. Flight not fight," I point out.

He shrugs, dismissing me. "Maybe you had to fly in order to survive. That doesn't make it any less brave," he says.

"Brave? No. There is nothing brave about running from everything that matters. I'm not brave. I never have been." He can put pretty words around it to make me feel better, but I know the truth. I feel it down in my bones.

"You're daring to start over. That's brave, Emery," Cole says.

I stare at him, seeing the sincerity in his eyes and feeling like a fraud.

"Is it? How is it brave? I didn't choose it. I didn't choose to start over. It was thrown at me. I didn't get a say at all. That's not brave. That’s just surviving. The choice was made for me." It feels good to say the words out loud. To be honest. I'm tired of the looks of pity. I'm tired of the way people admire how strong I am. They don't know me. They don't know me at all.

But I want Cole to know. Something inside me wants to tell him all of my ugly truths.

"You don't think surviving is brave?" he asks quietly. I think about his question before answering.

"Sure, if you're fighting to do it. I stopped fighting a long time ago. I'm only here because I had nowhere else to go. I'm here because somebody crossed a center line and ran head on into my husband's car. I'm here because life changed in a heartbeat and I had to adapt. Brave would have been leaving an unhappy marriage and choosing to be happy all by myself. Brave would have been coming home to face my father after my grandmother died instead of leaving him to deal with everything on his own. I chose to stay. I chose to live in half a life because I didn't know how to choose.

"If he were still here, if Gabe were still alive, I'd still be there. I wouldn't have come home. I'd still be living in the shadows of that house while he was off doing God knows what somewhere else. And I'd do it because I'm anything but brave."

I stand and head towards the door, unable to face him, barely able to face myself. I've faced down so many demons and so much truth lately that it has left me feeling raw and exposed.

I don't get far before I feel warm strong arms wrap me up from behind. I close my eyes at the embrace, my body instantly melting against the safety of his.

"Emery, you listen to me. You may feel lost. You may not trust that you know who you are. I get that, I do. But know that I know. I know who you are. I feel it with everything I am and I'm not letting go until you find your way back." His voice is smooth and low against my ear.

I feel the sting of tears as his words pierce my heart. His grip on me is so strong that I want to sink into him and let him hold me together. Because right now it feels like I'm about to break into a hundred pieces. All at once.

My whole life I've just hid from everything that scared me. Anything that was too big or too hard to handle, I just closed my eyes and pretended it didn't exist. My mom being gone - I just pretended it wasn't happening. When my grandma died I just ran away and didn't come home. I just left my dad here to take care of everything. I don't deal with anything. I look to everyone else to fix it.

I don't care what he says, that's the opposite of brave. That's why I'm the person I am now. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of who I've become or really, who I've always been. He says I used to be scrappy. Dynamic. But the secret is, I was faking it. I don't think I've ever really known who I truly am. Now, I'm just too tired to try and fake it any longer.

Cole doesn't let go as the storm rages inside of me. His grip tightens and I swear it's only him that is holding me together in this moment. I struggle to take a deep breath, to let his support bind the pieces like glue. I work hard to let go and let him carry some of the weight that sits heavy on my heart.

I sink to the wooden floor of the deck, my body weak with emotion and Cole sinks with me. His back rests against the door and he pulls me to him wrapping me up in his embrace.

"You're going to make it through this, Em. Even the moments that seem so dark. Look at your track record. You've already survived every hard moment up until now. You have a strength you don't even know. I see it. Trust me."

I breathe in his words, his scent, and finally my heartbeat settles. I start to feel the familiar sense of safety that comes with being this close to Cole. He doesn't make any attempt to move and so we sit there together under the glow of my porch light wrapped up in the kind of vulnerability that can form a bond so strong that it can move mountains.

I hope that it can, because it still feels like I have many of them left to climb.

Emery

"SO I HAD AN IDEA,"
Cole starts as he drives down the road. I sink back into my seat, feeling relaxed. A few days of getting my head back on track has cleared away some of the darkness from that night on the porch.

"What kind of idea?" I ask.

"I'm not sure if you are going to like it," he admits. Now I'm nervous, my relaxed demeanor instantly turning to tense uncertainty.

"That doesn't make me nervous at all," I say, trying to keep my voice light. My teasing falls flat.

"I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said the other day about Nana. How much you miss her and how you hate how you left things after she passed. I don't know, it feels like you have a lot of wounds and unfinished business. Sometimes getting closure to something like that helps you move forward."

"Where are you going with this, Cole?" I ask carefully.

"Do you trust me?" he asks, throwing me a look meant to reassure me. It does nothing to calm my heart, which is currently slamming against my chest.

"I thought I did."

He smiles and reaches over to take my hand in his.

"I know the family who bought Nana's house," he says. My breath catches and I move to pull my hand away, but he holds on tighter. "Stay with me. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I thought if you were able to go back there, maybe say your goodbyes, that you could feel some kind of closure. You were so connected to that place. I thought we could go there together."

I sit in silence, his proposal sending me back and forth. I don't know that I'm ready to go back to the house that holds so many memories. I'm not sure I can handle seeing someone else living there, surrounded by those memories. What if they've changed it all? It won't be Nana's stuff; it will belong to a stranger. It feels too hard.

Yet at the same time it feels necessary. When Nana died I ran. I ran away from the pain and the memories and it has weighed on me ever since. Because I betrayed her and everything that she meant to me by doing it.

"So, I'm just supposed to go up to some stranger and ask her if I can look around?" The idea sounds crazy.

"I’ve already talked to her. She gave me a key and said we are welcome to go in and look around. She's out for the day," Cole explains.

"She just gave you a key?" I ask surprised.

Cole shrugs, "I know people." I can't help but laugh at him as he watches me. He's waiting on me to settle on a reaction so he can decide how to play it.

"I don't know, Cole. I don't know if I'm ready to do this," I admit quietly.

"I'll be right there with you, Em. I won't let you do it alone." His words settle me some and my heart slows to a manageable pace.

"I'm scared."

He squeezes the hand that he still has possession of. "I know. But sometimes the scariest things are the most worthwhile.”

I take a deep breath and nod once. "Let's do it." I hope he's right. I hope this moves me forward and doesn't crush me the way it feels like it might. Cole sees strength in me. He always has. A strength I have never seen in myself. I'm starting to realize that having someone believe in you is half the battle. Because if he can believe in me, then maybe I can start to believe too.

We pull down the familiar driveway, the gravel crunching under the tires. I take in the line of trees that Grandpa planted when my dad was still young. They've grown tall and shade the entire drive in a makeshift tunnel. It was always one of my favorite things. It made it feel like a storybook.

The house comes into view and aside from some toys out on the front lawn, it looks exactly the way it did when I last saw it. The old farmhouse could still use a coat of paint, but the deck is still lined with colorful flowerpots and the swing is still hanging on the limb of the old oak tree. I can almost hear the echo of laughter on the wind, the memory hitting me so hard that I have to close my eyes to steady my breath.

Cole shuts off the truck and I sit as he gets out and rounds the front to come to my door. He opens it and offers me his hand. I look from him, then back to the house before I move to get out. His hands find my waist and I jump to the ground. I take a moment and sink against him, pulling a bit of strength from him.

He slides his arms around me in a tight hug, "You've got this."

After another deep breath Cole takes my hand and we walk towards the house. My heart is pounding like a drum against my chest. My stomach flips and churns as my nerves take over.

From the outside it all looks the same. Like every other time I came here. I half expect Nana to open the front door to meet us like she always did. The memory and the realization that she is gone causes a sharp pain in my chest. One that I'm determined to breathe through.