The Scarlet Thread (44 page)

James says I have to let go of the boy. My head

knows it, but my heart says different.

I was his age when Sally Mae pushed him into

the world. She died without ever looking at him.

All his life I have loved him. In a strange way he

is more part of me than my own babies. Maybe

I love him so much because I had to fight so

hard to keep him alive. I dream sometimes of

him laying in his mother’s blood crying. I took

him to my heart then and will bear him there

until my days end. He clung to life when his

mama did not care and his father wanted him

dead. Now he is hungry for more of life and I am

afraid to let him go and find it. What I fear most

is he will ride away and never come back. Just

like Matthew did.

Kavanaugh touched me last night. It was just a

brush of his hand over my hair as I was sitting

near the fire worrying about James. I know he

did not mean for me to know he touched me. But

I felt it just the same. Feelings came up inside me

I can’t describe.

I did not look up at him afraid of what I would

see in his eyes or he would see in mine.

I have wondered on occasion why he agreed to

be scout for us and then why he said he decided

to come along to California. Now I know. Maybe

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I knew the moment he looked at me in that mercantile back in Independence and I have just been

fooling myself.

And James knows too or he would not have

said if he dies I will be safe with Kavanaugh.

James is sleeping better since his fever broke and

I am much relieved though still worried about

him. He is slow in getting his strength back. Beth

is doing better than her father. The mountain air

seems to agree with her. She gathered flowers

today and made a wreath for me. She is a dear

thoughtful child who always wants to please

everyone. She watched over Deborah. Now she

seems to watch over me.

Matthew likes to tell stories. He is good at it.

He will be happy when we get our land and I can

dig through the trunk Aunt Martha bought me.

His books are in it.

Nellie lets me read from her Bible in the evening. It is noisy getting started because everyone

wants to hear their favorite. Beth likes the story

of Ruth best. Nellie’s favorite is Esther. The boys

would rather hear the battles of King David.

Wells likes the story of Gideon. He says it shows

how God can take a cowardly farmer and turn

him into a mighty warrior able to save an entire

nation from destruction. James says he just likes

hearing me read.

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looks rich and green from fall rain. Joshua has

come back to us and says we are three days from

Sutter’s Fort.

We are all thankful the journey is almost over.

We had happy surprises when we arrived at

Sutter’s Fort. Virgil Boon and Ruckel Buckeye

are here. They had a falling out with MacLeod

and left the train at Fort Hall. They followed the

Snake south and followed the Humboldt by the

same route we did, but they took the Carson

River route over the mountains. They said they

passed one of the most beautiful lakes in God’s

creation.

They reached the fort two days ahead of us.

Wells and Nellie are going to take land north of

Sutter’s Fort. They take the ferry across the river

tomorrow.

I am much aggrieved. I thought we would live

near the Doanes who have become such wonderful friends. But James told me this morning he

has decided we will go clear to the Pacific. Sutter

bought Fort Ross from the Russians and says the

land is rich there for farming.

If there is a ship waiting, my husband will want

to board and sail until we reach China! And if he

does, he will be going on alone.

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We said good-bye to the Doanes this morning.

I have been crying all day. James is not saying

much. He is wise to keep his silence.

Joshua and Kavanaugh have gone ahead to see

the lay of the land.

We saw Indians today. They are of the same kind

we saw working at Sutter’s Fort. They were gathering grain and roots in the marshes.

The wind and rain is bitter cold. We have crossed

a range of hills and come into another valley.

Mexicans came upon us and said the land is taken

by Mariano Vallejo. They said we are welcome to

come and winter at his rancho. James assured

them we are only passing through and thanked

them for their kind invitation. He told them we are

heading north until we find the Russian River. He

asked where is a good crossing and they told him.

Sutter told us the river will be low enough to cross

easily if we reach it before the heavy rainfall.

Joshua has gone ahead to see if that is so.

The Russian River was wide but not too deep to

ford. A day after we crossed, the skies opened up

and it has been raining heavy upon us ever since.

The river swelled so fast I could scarce believe it.

Nellie would say God was with us and that’s why

we made it across.

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myself.

Each day gets harder.

We are wintering in a valley northwest of the

Russian River. The Russian Fort is still days

away, but I can go no further. I was sick in

the wagon the day the decision was made to

stay here. The cramps were hard upon me and

I was sure I was going to lose the baby. We

stopped mid day to let me rest. When we

started out in the morning, there was a crack

and the wagon dropped. When it did, two

wheels split.

Our axle is broken and two bolts are missing.

James and the children have looked all day for

them and can not find them and we have no

spares.

I have not said so, but I am relieved we can go

no further. If the axle had not broken, we would

still be westering. It is like a fever in James. He

thinks what is over the next mountain will be

better than what is here. This is good land with

timber for building and plenty of water. What

more does he want?

Kavanaugh is gone. He and James had a falling

out. It almost came to blows. It all started because

James wants to go on to Fort Ross. He was all for

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leaving the wagon and packing the rest of the way

but Kavanaugh would not let him. He

said—Mary Kathryn has gone as far as she can

go, man. Have you no eyes in your head? And

James got all red in the face and told him I was

none of his business. Kavanaugh said that might

be so, but it was time to build a shelter and wait

out winter. James accused him of tampering with

the wagon. Kavanaugh said nothing to that.

James ordered him to leave. So he did. He got on

his horse and rode away without so much as a by

your leave.

I wonder if he did do what James says. If so,

I am grateful to him. This child bears down upon

me as the others never did. Another day and

I would have lost it and maybe died as well.

James is talking about building a cabin. It will be

hard work, but I am eager to have a roof over my

head again. I do not want this baby born in a covered wagon.

I am feeling much stronger. Staying in one place

does wonders for a body. James still talks of moving on after the baby comes. I hope he will

change his mind.

I keep telling him this is good rich, dark soil,

with plenty of earthworms and few rocks. We will

not find better to build our home.

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is going to rebuild it into two carts like the Mormons use. He said we still have two good wheels

and not much left to carry. I guess I will be walking again.

We ain’t going anywhere. Looks like we are just

going to die right here. One by one.

James is dead.

I dont know what to do.

I can make no sense of anything. I can not even

think.

God, why do you hate me so much?

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19

“ I ’ M W A I T I N G F O R S O M E O N E , ” S I E R R A T O L D

the waitress. “A glass of water will be fine until she arrives.”

Providing Audra came at all.

It had taken the better part of two days for Sierra to gather

enough nerve to call Audra and ask her to lunch. She’d expected

Audra to refuse or say something painful. Instead, she had said

simply, “Where?”

Sierra hadn’t been prepared for that. “Wherever you’d like.”

“The club. One o’clock on Thursday. Is that all right?”

“Eleven-thirty would be better for me, Audra. I’ll be on my

lunch hour.”

“Fine,” she said in a clipped voice. “I’ll be there.”

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lounge. She joined her for a few minutes, reminiscing and catching up on news.

“That makes three of us,” Meredith said when Sierra told her

she and Alex were getting a divorce. “Eric dumped me for a

younger, richer model, and Lorraine finally divorced Frank.

Luckily, she got herself a first-cabin attorney. She’s on a Caribbean cruise right now. And guess who’s paying for it?”

“How’s Ashley?” Sierra said, sorry to hear so many sad tidings.

“Bulimic. She collapsed a few weeks ago and is in counseling

now. She looks like she’s a survivor of the Holocaust.”

A few minutes before Audra was due to arrive, Sierra wrote

out her new address and telephone number. “Please call. I’d love

to have you come for dinner. Mondays and Fridays are best for

me. Pick a date and let me know.”

Meredith looked at her with a bemused smile. “I might just

surprise you and take up your invitation.”

Sierra bent and kissed her cheek.

She was checking on her reservation when Audra arrived.

Blushing, she extended her hand. “Hello, Audra.”

After a brief hesitation, Audra took her hand. “It’s good to see

you again, Sierra.”

“Your table is ready, Mrs. Madrid. Right this way.”

They sat in a quiet alcove between some ferns. Sierra had

asked for a private table and given the young man a healthy tip to

ensure it. Audra didn’t say anything after she ordered white

wine. Sierra ordered a lemon-lime. Maybe it would settle her

stomach.

Taking a breath, she blew it out slowly and lifted her head.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think things over, Audra. You were right

about everything. Not the least of which, you were right about

the way I treated you. I wanted to apologize to you in person.”

Audra stared at her for a long moment. “Well . . . ,” she said

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