The Scarlet Thread (42 page)

tears. “Elizabeth said—” She broke off, paling at the look on

Clanton’s face.

“You little Judas!”

Sierra could feel the blood draining out of her face. Was
that

where Alex took their daughter on Saturdays? On excursions

with his mistress?

Clanton took a step toward his sister. “Why don’t you move in

with
them,
you little—”

“That’s enough, Clanton,” Alex said, steel in his voice. He

barely spared a glance at Sierra, and she was glad of that. The

last thing she wanted was for him to see how much it hurt to

know Carolyn had been spending time with Elizabeth Longford.

“You’d better learn to accept things as they are.”

“I don’t have to
accept
anything, least of all
you.
You’re a cheat

and a liar, and I wish you and your girlfriend were
dead!”
He took

off across the baseball field toward Dennis and the other members of the team.

“Mom?” Carolyn said, tears running down her cheeks.

“I’ll go after him,” she said quietly, eager to escape before she

made a fool of herself or said something she’d regret. She headed

toward her teammates, swallowing the hot tears that were choking her.

“Mom!” Carolyn cried out. She made to follow Sierra, but

Alex was holding her hand. “Let go!” she said, sobbing, and

pulled free of her father to run to Sierra. “Are you mad at me,

Mom?” Tears ran down her cheeks. “Do you hate me?”

“No,”
Sierra said, kneeling and pulling her close. She stroked

her hair and kissed the top of her head. “I just wish things were

different, that’s all.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only talked to her the one time.

I—”

“Shhh . . . I love you very much, and nothing will ever change

that.” She tipped her daughter’s chin and gave her a shaky smile.

3 2 1

you later at home.” She kissed her.

“Clanton’s so mean.”

“No, honey. He’s hurt. People say awful things when they’re

hurt.” Just as she had. Just as Alex had. Poor Clanton. What

chance did he have of being any better than they’d been? “You

tell your father how much you love him. He needs to hear that.

Now, go on.”

“Sierra,” Alex called. “Wait a minute.” She recognized that

tone and wished she could just keep walking. If not for what

she’d just said to Carolyn, she’d run. She was reeling inside, her

stomach quivering, her eyes hot with tears. She didn’t need a lecture from Alex about what a lousy mother she was or what a

lousy wife she’d been.

He looked at her, and she saw something flicker in his eyes.

“Where’s the team going? We’ll meet you there.”

No respite for the wicked. Not even privacy to have a good,

long cry. “Three blocks down in the shopping center,” she said,

forcing herself to speak evenly. “I’ll do what I can, Alex, but I

can’t promise. . . .” She shook her head and turned away, resigning herself to a painful evening.

Dennis did some long, hard talking to Clanton before they

reached the pizza parlor. He knew how Clanton felt; his own

father had left his family when he was in his teens.

“I saw him once after he left and told him I hated him. I never

saw him again. He died when I was twenty-three.”

Sierra saw how much that confession cost Dennis, as well as

the impact it had on Clanton.

“He hurt my mother,” Clanton said. “Every time he calls, he

hurts her.”

Sierra blinked back tears. “I hurt him, too, Clanton.”

3 2 2

“Not like he did.” Clanton struggled to contain his emotions,

torn between love and loyalty to her and love for his father.

Dennis put his hand on Clanton’s shoulder. “Your father’s

hurting himself most of all. He’s cut off from you and your sister.

Do you remember what we were talking about the other night at

youth group? Everyone sins. No one is perfect. And no sin is

greater than any other. When you believe in Jesus, you confess

and repent, and he cleanses you. He puts you on the right track.

What happens when you don’t have that sustaining faith?

You’re cut off from love itself.”

“He’s not repentant,” Clanton said.

“Are you?”

Clanton fought to hold his tears back. “He’s still living with her!”

“And you’re still hanging on to your anger against him. You

just wished him dead.”

Clanton hunched over and cried, muttering incoherent words.

Dennis cupped the boy’s head and pulled him against his chest.

“Give it to the Lord, Clanton. Don’t make the same mistake I

did. It still haunts me.” He looked at Sierra, and she saw the tears

in his eyes. She also knew her son needed time alone with this

man of God.

“I’ll see you inside,” she said, touching her son and then getting

out of the van. She knew Clanton would open up more if she

weren’t present.

She spotted Alex as soon as she entered the pizza parlor; her

instinctive homing device still worked. She could sense his presence anywhere. He was sitting with Carolyn in a booth back in

the corner. She wanted to pretend she hadn’t seen them and

walk over to the others. The last thing she wanted to do was

speak to Alex or think about Carolyn building a relationship

with a future stepmother.

Alex was staring at her, and she knew she’d only gain his further ire if she left him to wonder where Clanton was.

3 2 3

smile, and waved. “Be there in a minute.” First things first. She

had to set Alex’s mind at rest. She walked over to the table and

smiled at Carolyn. “Did you order pizza yet?”

“Pepperoni!” She grinned and took a sip of her soda.

Sierra looked at Alex. “Dennis is talking with him. They’ll be

in soon.” His eyes met hers, and she felt his pain. What a tangled

mess they’d made of their lives—and dragged their children

right into the quagmire with them. “If it doesn’t happen tonight,

Alex, we’ll keep trying. All right? Don’t give up on him. Please.”

Again, that look she couldn’t decipher. “I won’t,” he said

bleakly.

Smiling tremulously, she left their table and joined the others.

When Clanton came in, Carolyn left the booth so her father

could talk to him alone. She came straight to Sierra. “Daddy said

he’ll take us to the movies and then to dinner.” She kept up a

stream of chatter about her father while Sierra watched Dennis

and Clanton sit down in the booth with Alex.

Dennis smiled and talked for a few minutes, undoubtedly trying

to put his companions more at ease. Alex responded. She saw him

smile. Odd how that hurt. When Dennis left them alone, Alex

looked across at his son and started talking. He talked for a long

time. Clanton just sat staring at Carolyn’s empty soda glass. After

a while, Alex didn’t say anything more. He just sat looking at his

son, grief and regret etched in the new lines around his eyes. He

said a few more words. Clanton got up and left the booth. Alex

raked a hand back through his hair and looked away.

For the first time since he’d left her, Sierra felt compassion for

her husband.

Carolyn left with her father. Clanton spent most of the evening

talking with Dennis. Noreen came and sat with Sierra.

3 2 4

“Children see things in black and white,” Noreen said. “Right

and wrong. Good and evil. They’re so sensitive to those things.

The older we are, the more shades of gray we see.”

“I don’t know what to do. So much of this is my fault. He

wants a divorce.”

Noreen put her hand over hers. “Are you still in love with

him?”

Sierra gave a mirthless laugh. “I’ve been in love with Alex for

as long as I can remember, and I’ll probably love him until I die.

But that doesn’t change anything, does it? He said he’s sick of me

and in love with someone else. He’s done everything possible to

get me to agree to a divorce. In the beginning, I think I refused

because I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me.

Then it was pure cussed stubbornness. But now? I don’t know

anymore. I just don’t know.”

Noreen squeezed her hand. “I don’t know if this will help you

or not, but my parents fought all the time when I was growing

up. I used to cry myself to sleep hearing them scream at each

other. They said they were staying together for us, my brother

and me. I used to wish they’d get a divorce.”

“Did they?”

“No. Never. They’re still together and they’re still fighting.

They have other excuses now, and they still embarrass anyone

who comes within ten feet of them. I don’t go home very often.”

Sierra remembered the fights she’d had with Alex. They

hadn’t screamed at one another, but the cold war had gone on

for months at a time. At what cost to their children? She’d been

so caught up in her own pain, she’d been blind to theirs. And

Alex’s.

Audra’s words came back again, haunting her.
“Three years I’ve

watched you wallow in self-pity and keep your temper tantrum going. It’s

been something to watch, Sierra. A real show!”

Sierra closed her eyes.
God, forgive me. She was right. I behaved so

3 2 5

amends?

And the answer came, bringing with it a wave of pain.

Let him go.

Clanton said he had a stomachache, and they went home early.

While he took a long, hot bath, she sat in the living room, praying. She knew what she had to do. When she tucked Clanton into

bed, she stroked the black hair back from his forehead. “I love

you so much, and I’m sorry I’ve made a mess of things.”

“You didn’t.”

“Oh, Clanton, there’s so much you don’t understand. I

pushed. I pushed so hard for so long for what
I
wanted. I never

stopped to consider what your father needed. Please don’t do the

same thing. You’ll end up losing him the same way I did. He
needs

you, Clanton. He needs to be able to love you.”

“What about you, Mom?”

“I have you and Carolyn. I have Michael and his family. I have

the Lord. What does your father have, Clanton? And I share the

blame for it. I want to make things easier for all of us.”

They talked for over an hour, and Clanton agreed he’d talk to

his father the next time he called. Relieved, Sierra took a long

shower and changed into black leggings and a long forest-green

tunic. She was brushing her hair when the doorbell rang.

Alex stood under the porch light, their daughter sound asleep

in his arms. “Where’s her room?”

“Down the hall, second door on the right,” she said and

stepped back. She watched him carry Carolyn down the hall.

She followed, switching on the light. She pulled the comforter

back. Alex lay Carolyn down gently so she wouldn’t awaken.

Untying her tennis shoes, he slipped them off her feet. Sierra left

the room as he drew the comforter up over his daughter and

kissed her good night.

Her heart was hammering when Alex came into the living

3 2 6