The Second Virginity of Suzy Green (20 page)

“Suzy, you’re
wrong. What you heard, it’s just what any parent might say. All parents want
their children to be good. They didn’t actually say it to you, though, did
they?”

“What difference
does that make?” He’s annoying me now. Why won’t he listen to what I’m saying?

“It’s like how you
might moan about Maddie sometimes. You just say it. But that doesn’t mean you
wish she wasn’t there, or that you think any less of her. You must understand
that.”

I stand up from
the bench and walk over to the wall. I lean against it and wrap my arms around
me. This is too hard. What if Ryan’s right? What if everything I’ve done has
just been a waste of time?

Nah. He’s wrong.
I know my parents don’t want me to be how I was. And they definitely want me to
be more like Rosie. Who wouldn’t want their daughter to get top marks and do
well? It’s only natural.

“Ryan, you might
be right about them not wanting me to die instead of Rosie. But I’m right in
knowing they want me to be more like her. And I don’t care what you say, you
won’t persuade me otherwise.”

He jumps up from
the bench and walks over to where I’m leaning. He stands in front of me with
his arms outstretched and his hands on the wall—one either side of me. He’s so
close I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face.

“Suzy. What’s
going on?” The sound of Lori’s irate voice makes me jump three feet into the
air. Ryan’s arms drop to his side and he spins around to face her.

She storms over
and positions herself in front of us with her hands on her hips.

“What do you
mean?” I ask. Like I couldn’t guess.

“I’ve just been
talking to Guy. He’s really upset. Muttering something about you totally losing
it and not wanting to go out with him because you’re really a different person
or something. Look, it’s nothing to do with me if you want to finish it. But
why pick tonight? And

why make up something like that? And what,”
she glares at Ryan, “are you doing with him?”

“God, Lori. You
sound as bad as Guy. I’m not doing anything with Ryan. We’re just talking. It’s
not a crime you know. I wish you’d all just leave me alone.”

“Fine, I will.
If that’s what you want. And thanks for totally ruining my evening.”

Shit. What did I
say that for? One day I’ll learn to keep my big mouth shut?

“Lori, I’m
sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Forget it. I’m
going back inside.”

She marches off
her arms swinging violently. I just wish this evening would hurry up and end.

“Now look what
I’ve done. Things couldn’t get much worse if I tried,” I say to Ryan.

“I’m going home.
No point in hanging around here.”

“I’ll take you,”
Ryan replies.

“Why? After what
I’ve done to you?”

“Suzy. Give it a
rest.” He slides his hand into his pocket and pulls out some keys. “Here, go and
sit in my car I’ll be out in thirty minutes.”

I stare at my
watch for about the hundredth time in the past half hour. Lori’s not coming. I
knew she wouldn’t. Not that I blame her. I wouldn’t if the situation was
reversed. Actually, I think I would. Everyone’s entitled to screw up
occasionally—though I suppose it depends on the severity of the screw-up.

“Not here yet?”
Ryan asks as he walks past the table.

It’s sad
suggesting we meet in Starbucks, but knowing Ryan is around makes it easier
somehow. I still feel guilty about what I did to him but I think he understands.
And he knows I value what we had together. We talked for ages last night. About
everything.

“No. I guess it
was a long shot.” I let out a long sigh. “I might as well go home. No point
hanging around here all day.”

“Look, I finish
at four. Why don’t we go for a coffee or something. What about the movies? Take
your mind off what’s happened. I’ll come and pick you up.”

He’s such a
sweetie. I don’t deserve such a good friend.

“Ryan, you don’t
have to do this, you know. It’s my problem and I have to face it.”

“And it’s such a
hardship. Seriously, I enjoy being with you. So, are we on for later?” I bite
on my bottom lip, deliberating. “Hurry up,” he says. “I’m not meant to hang out
with the customers. You know that. Are we going or not?” His warm smile totally
negates the effect of his harsh sounding words.

“You’re so
bossy. How can I refuse.” I giggle and for the briefest of moments forget
everything.

I take my purse
from the back of the chair, open it and drop in my phone. There’s a bus in ten
minutes, which I should make. But first I need to pop to the bathroom.

Pushing the door
open I get the shock of my life. Lori is in there washing her hands. I stand
open mouthed, while my stomach hits the floor. I hate it when that happens
because it takes ages before my insides feel remotely normal.

“Suzy,” Lori
says, a lot colder than she’s ever said my name before.

“Um, hi. I
thought you weren’t going to come. Not that I blame you. I know that what’s
happened is awful and you probably won’t ever want to speak to me again and I
don’t blame you because it was so awful and it was just so awful and—”

Suzy, shut
the fuck up
. Right. Yes. Sorry. Breathe. Be cool.

“Sorry, for
gabbling on Lori. Thanks for coming.”

“I wasn’t going
to. I’ve been in here for twenty minutes deciding what to do. When I got your
text earlier asking me to meet you I thought you had a huge cheek after what
happened. But then—”

“Yes, I know. I
totally agree with you. But I had to see you. To explain. Look come and sit
down, we can’t talk in here.”

“Okay.”

She follows me
out of the bathroom into the café area. There’s a table near the door so I head
over there. Ryan is behind the counter and I catch his eye when we pass. He
gives an almost imperceptible wink. I hope Lori didn’t notice.

“Do you want
anything to drink?” I ask once we’re sitting down.

“No, thanks.”

“Right.” I take
hold of the bottom of my T-shirt and start to wrap it around my finger. “I am
soooo sorry,” I blurt out loudly. “About last night. I owe you an explanation.”

Lori’s face is
unreadable. I feel awful. And you know what, now I’m faced with losing her as a
friend I realize how much I don’t want to. I really like her. And I’m not just
friends with her to achieve my goal. I really, really like her. And that makes
me feel even more of a bitch than I was feeling before.

“Yes, I think
you do.” She folds her arms. I’ve read all about body language in Cosmo. I know
exactly what arm folding means. “And it better be good.” Her words chill my
insides. She can certainly be a tough nut when she wants to.

“Oh. It’s good
alright.” I’m freakin’ here. This sure as hell isn’t going to be easy. “I’ll
start at the beginning, but before I do, you need to know that I’m sorry. So
very, very sorry. You’ve been great. And I didn’t want to lie to you or anyone
else. But I had no choice.” This is sounding so ridiculous.

“You had to lie?
Someone twisted your arm and made you tell lies to me.” She shakes her head in
disbelief.

“Well, not
someone exactly. Just the thought of someone,” I pause for a moment. “Rosie. I
wanted desperately to be like her so when I started at school I sort of
reinvented myself. Bought some new clothes, worked hard, behaved myself and
hung out with the in crowd. And thanks to your help and kindness it turned out
better than I could have ever hoped.”

Lori’s facial
expression softens a little. “That’s not so bad,” she says. “I can understand
you wanting to turn over a new leaf and—”

“Wait,” I
interrupt. “You haven’t heard the worst thing.” I pause a moment.
“I’m-not-a-virgin-I-did-it-with-Ryan-just over-a-year-ago.” The words tumble out
of my mouth and I daren’t look at her, instead lean forward and bury my head in
my hands.

Lori doesn’t say
a thing, and after a few moments I turn my head to the side and peep out
through my fingers.

“Say something,”
I implore. “Even if it’s that you hate me and will never speak to me again.”

“I don’t know
what to say,” she replies very deliberately. “Telling us you are a virgin was
one big lie.”

“Well, technically
I didn’t lie.” Here I go again. “Because no-one actually asked me if I was a
virgin or not. You all assumed I was.”

“And the vow?”

“Ah, yes. But
under my breath I did sort of change the vow to be ‘from now on I’ll stay a
virgin’. And that would have been it, except Ryan turned up and made everything
so complicated. And he made me go out with him on the day of the summer picnic.
See, that’s another lie I told. I wasn’t ill then. I was with Ryan.”

“Is he
blackmailing you? Because if he is my parents have a good lawyer who—”

“No. no,” I
interrupt. “Nothing like that. Ryan is the coolest guy out. He’s helped me see
how things really are. Ryan wouldn’t blackmail anyone. No way. You must meet
him properly, you’ll love him.”

Lori’s eyes
widen. “Ah ha. Now I get it,” she says.

“What?”

“No wonder you
don’t want to go out with Guy. You’ve got the hots for Ryan.”

“No it’s not
like that. Definitely not.”

“Mmmm. If you
say so.” She’s silent for a while, and looks thoughtful. “Tell me what was it
like,” she finally says. “Doing it, I mean. Did it—did it hurt?”

“It was awesome.
Really special. Yes, the first time it did hurt. I knew it would. But Ryan was
so gentle and sweet. No way would I have done it if I didn’t have strong
feelings for him.” My insides go all gooey at the thought. I shake my head. I
can’t think about what happened in the past. It’s pointless.

“What about getting
pregnant. Weren’t you worried about that?” Lori’s has this huge anxious look on
her face.

“He used a
condom. Just because we were only sixteen doesn’t mean we’re stupid.”

“Yes, I know.
Sorry.” She looks away for a moment, then suddenly turns back. “You can’t stay
in the club now, you know.”

This is going to
seem totally weird, but hearing Lori say that makes me feel really sad. I know
I’ve mocked the Club and the Handbook but without it Lori and I wouldn’t have
become such good friends. And creepy Jamie isn’t really so bad. He has his
heart in the right place, even if he is a bit blinkered when it comes to the
real world.

“I know. I sort
of wish I didn’t. Maybe I can be an Associate Member. You know, like they have
in some organizations for people who don’t quite make the qualification
criteria.”

“You can run it
past Jamie and see what he says.” Lori shrugs. “I’m not sure how he’ll react,
though.”

Yeah, I suppose
it is a bit of wishful thinking on my part.

“Everyone’s
going to hate me now.” I say, my voice becoming more serious. “For lying.
Aren’t they?”

“It depends on
what they know. If we don’t tell anyone.” I stare at Lori, my mouth open so
wide a bus could get through with room to spare.

“You mean you
won’t say anything?”

“Suzy, I really
like you. You’re my friend. And I don’t want this to come between us.”

“But I ruined
the night. You said so.”

“Well, that’s a
slight exaggeration. I was really upset with you, at the time. But being with
George sort of helped.” She blushes furiously.

“Oh yes. You and
George. See, I told you inviting him to the party was the way to go. What
happened? Did you, you know? Sorry. Of course you wouldn’t.”

“No, we didn’t
do anything. But we did talk a lot. About us and the club and stuff. He’s asked
me to go out with him.”

“Did you say
yes? Tell me you did. He’s such a cool guy. I really like him.”

“Yes. I said
yes.” She smiles. For the first time since we met today she seems relaxed.

“I’m so pleased.
And I’m soooo sorry for everything.”

“I understand. I
just wished you’d trusted me enough to tell me.”

I’m almost
tempted to tell her the rest—about the arrest and stuff. But maybe not. One
step at a time.

“I didn’t want
to tell anyone. I thought it would be better that way. And we’re still
friends?”

“You bet,” she
says resting her hand on my arm. “Since you’ve been at school things have much
more fun.”

“But I’ve been
behaving myself. I thought I was the being the most serious best behaved person
out.”

“Really? And the
time you told Miss Davis the Principal was looking for her so Jana could finish
her homework and hand it in?”

“That’s nothing.
You should have seen what I used to do. Actually no you shouldn’t. But the
thing is Lori; it’s not just my behavior I changed. It’s my clothes, the music
I listen to, in fact it’s everything. Are you sure you want to hang out with a Goth
loving, grunge dresser? You saw evidence of the real me in my closet,
remember?”