The Second Virginity of Suzy Green (19 page)

He grins and
looks to the rest of them for applause. Frankly, I think he’s decidedly unfunny
but the others laugh. Apart from Ryan, who momentarily scowls, shrugs and pulls
out his notepad to take our drinks order.

What say I get
totally shit-faced? Then I won’t care if Ryan and Guy are in the same room.
What say I get a grip and stop being so pathetic and just act like everything’s
ok? It’s not like Ryan’s going to stand up and make some earth-shattering
announcement about me and my virgin status and his role in the whole affair.

This is real
life, not the movies.

***

Okay, we’ve got
through dinner and everything’s going just fine. Fortunately Ryan, by design or
otherwise (probably the former if his attitude earlier is anything to go by),
didn’t serve our table after the initial time. He’s about ten tables over to
the left. Anyway, I can’t see him unless I sit right back in my chair and peer
over Guy’s left shoulder. Which is hardly polite, so I don’t do it too often.

“Suzy, dance?”
Guy asks.

Before I have
time to answer he jumps up from his seat. Looks like I have no choice.
Actually, I was going to say yes. I love dancing. Though I can’t say I usually
dance to this type of music.

“Sure.”

The dance floor
is packed, mainly with friends of Lori’s parents all dancing like they’ve just
stepped out the seventies and are on some sort of drug that strips you of any
sense of shame.

We push our way through until we find a
space just about big enough for us to dance in. And wouldn’t you just know it,
the bandleader announces they’re going to do an Abba medley.

“Oh no,” I moan.
“Want to go back to the table?”

“Are you
kidding? Abba songs are great. My parents listen to them all the time. Have you
seen that tribute band that tours here?”

“Um, no. Can’t say
I have.”

Half an hour
later there seems no let up to the Abba revival, and I’ve had enough. I signal
so to Guy and his face falls.

“Just one more?”
he asks.

“Sorry. Need the
bathroom.” I don’t but at least it gets me away from here. I mean, there’s only
so much Abba a girl can take and I passed that stage at least four songs ago. I
fight my way back to the tables and then head out the way we came in. I’m not
sure where the bathroom is but I guess there’ll be a sign somewhere.

I scan the
entrance hall once out there but can’t see anywhere looking remotely
bathroom-like. I suppose with these really smart places they try to be discreet
about where the bathroom is. Like we don’t all use them all the time.

In desperation,
I go through a door on the left and find myself in an empty corridor. I wonder
where this leads to? Probably the kitchen or somewhere. I carry on walking
until reaching another door, which leads into the garden. It must be a back way
because French doors in the ballroom lead out here too. Oh well, I’ll hang
around here for a while. Keep out of sight.

“Suzy. Is that
you?” So much for keeping a low profile.

“Yes.” I glance
from side to side but can’t see anyone. “Who is it?”

“Me. Ryan. Over here, by the wall.” I stare in the direction of his voice and can just make
out a dark shadow that looks about the right height, so I stroll over.

“Hey. What are
you doing out here?”

“It’s my break.
And I came out to cool off.”

“Why? What’s
wrong?”

“You mean apart
from it being hot inside?” I don’t like the way he’s speaking. It’s so not
Ryan.

“Um—yeah.”

“Well, how do
you think I feel when I see you mixing with all those rich people knowing you’d
rather be friends with them than admit our relationship?” He folds his arms and
glares at me.

“But—you know it
isn’t like that.”

“Isn’t it? If
you can dismiss everything that happened between us so readily, clearly our
relationship meant nothing to you.” This can’t be happening. He must think I’m
such a bitch.

“Of course it
did. More than you’ll ever know. But everything’s different. What I’m doing
now, it’s all about the future. My future.”

“And for the
sake of your future, you think it’s okay to deny our relationship just so you
can be a member of some club you had no business joining in the first place?”

I bow my head,
not daring to face him. I really hate myself.

“No, it’s not
okay. But what choice do I have, if I want to help Mom and Dad come to terms
with Rosie dying? Surely you understand. It’s nothing to do with you and me.
What we had. Well, that was so special and I’ll never forget it. But so many
things have happened since.”

“Suzy, you just
don’t get it, do you?” His voice is softer than before. Please let him
understand. “This is you. And your life. You’re not Rosie. Not your mom and dad.
You’ve got to do what makes you happy.”

It’s easy for
him to say that when he doesn’t know the whole story.

“What’s
happiness got to do with it?”

Ryan reaches for
my hands and holds them in his. A lump rises in my throat and my body starts to
shake. He puts his arm around my shoulder and I lean into him welcoming his
warmth and support.

I couldn’t bear
for him to hate me. I’ll do anything not to lose his friendship.

“Suzy. What are
you doing?” Guy’s voice shatters the moment.

“Guy,” I say,
trying to sound totally unfazed by his presence. “I didn’t realize you were
here.”

I glance up at
Ryan. His face is emotionless. What’s he thinking? Will he forgive me? Or does
he just think of me as Suzy the selfish bitch?

“Ryan and I were
just talking.”

“Talking? It
looks more than talking to me.” He diverts his attention from me to Ryan. “Do
you always talk to people with your arm around them?” Sparks positively fly
from his eyes.

“Listen bud—”

“I’m not your
bud,” Guy growls. He’s clearly losing it. I’ve never seen him act like this
before. “Suzy’s my girlfriend. So hands off. I don’t want to see you near her
again. Understand? Now get back to work before I get you fired.

What the hell?
Would he seriously try and get Ryan the sack? That’s so unfair. You don’t do
that to your friends. Okay, I know they’re not friends but Ryan is my friend,
whatever he might think. And I’ll prove it to him. I don’t know how but I will.

“Excuse me,” I
say. “I am not your property. You don’t say who I can and cannot talk to.”

Guy’s jaw drops.
Well that told him. Now perhaps we can act like adults.

“Keep out of
this,” Guy says. “This is between me and him.”

Forget the adult
comment, clearly that’s not going to happen. Funny, isn’t it, how people don’t
show their true colors until they’re in a confrontation?

“Oh no it isn’t.
This is between you and me.” I’m so angry I wave my finger at him just like my
dad does when he tells me off. “I’m sorry, Guy, I can’t go out with someone who
thinks of me as one of his possessions. I’m a person in my own right. Which
means I choose what I do and who I speak to.” I desist with the wagging finger
and plant both hands on my hips.

“Even if it
upsets the other person?” His anger lapses and a bewildered look clouds his
face.

“I wouldn’t
intentionally upset anyone,” I soften my voice. “I’m sorry if you got the wrong
idea about me and Ryan. We’re friends and I was upset and he comforted me.
That’s all.”

“Okay, I believe
you,” Guy says, the bewildered look now gone. “Come on back inside and we’ll
forget all about it.” Let’s not be too patronizing.

It hits me that
something isn’t right. I don’t know whether it’s me or Guy or what. But things
can’t continue.

“You know, Guy.
I don’t belong here.” I make a rather grand gesture with my hand. I sure pick
my moments for making a stand. What on earth is Lori going to say if suddenly
I disappear? Actually maybe I won’t go down this road. “What I mean is,
um—is—um. Oh shit. What the hell do I mean?”

“Suzy I’d rather
you didn’t swear when we’re here. Someone might hear you.”

“Ah. That’s what
I mean. Sorry Guy I can’t hack all this goody-goody stuff. I thought I could be
like you and the others but I can’t. It’s not in my nature. I’m a rebel. Always
have been. Always will be. You don’t want to go out with someone like me. If
you spent time with the real me you’d be out the door faster than a speeding
bullet.”

Yikes. I think
I’m having one of those epiphany weird moment things. You know, when suddenly
everything falls into place. What a laugh. I thought they were reserved for
religious people. Mind you, the number of times I utter
God
I probably
qualify by default.

“So, you don’t
want to go out with me any more?”

“That’s about
the size of it. Look I don’t want to spoil anyone’s evening. Go back inside and
I’ll be in soon. We needn’t say anything to others. We can wait until school.
You can say you finished with me.”

Guy glares at me
then Ryan, then back at me again. “Whatever.” He turns and walks away.

Shit, I feel
guilty.

Ryan and I stand
in silence for what seems like ages but is probably only a couple of minutes.

“Well,” I
finally say. “I’ve done it now. No turning back. I’m toast once Guy tells
everyone I’m not who they think I am. Still, I suppose you’re pleased about
that. I guess you think it serves me right.”

Ryan runs his
fingers through his hair, a sure sign he’s thinking—well it always used to be.

“Of course I
don’t. I might not like what you’ve done but that doesn’t mean I want you to
suffer. Far from it.”

“I’m so sorry,
Ryan. Believe me hurting you is the last thing I’d want to do.”

“Enough.” He
holds up his hand to silence me. “We’re cool. And it will work out with your
friends. It’s good they get to know the real you. Anyway, whatever Guy says I
don’t think they’ll get it. It’s hard for someone to believe you’re really
someone else when all they’ve seen is the person you’ve pretended to be. When
they see the old you they’ll realize.”

“You mean I’ve
got a stay of execution, then?” I laugh. But it’s half-hearted as thoughts of
Rosie and my parents flood my mind. “In all this I’d forgotten about Mom and
Dad. They’re going to be so disappointed in me. Again.”

“Why?”

“Try because I
did this for them. I can’t bring Rosie back. God knows I would if I could. But
by being like her, doing well at school, hanging out with the in crowd it was
like I could bring some of Rosie back to them and I—”

“Suzy, stop.”
The firmness of his voice stops me in my tracks. “Your parents wouldn’t want
you living a life like Rosie’s just to make them feel better. Where’s the sense
in that? They’ve lost one daughter, would they really want the other daughter
to be unhappy and stifled for the rest of her life? Of course not.”

“Not consciously
maybe. But deep down they might. Deep down they’re probably thinking the wrong
daughter died. Especially with what happened afterwards.”

“What happened
afterwards?”

I bow my head
and rest it in my hand. “You don’t want to know. You really don’t.” My knees
sort of give way and Ryan reaches for my arm. How feeble does that make me?

“Come on,” he
says leading me to a wrought iron bench. “Take some slow deep breaths. You’ve
got a lot of stuff pent up in there.”

“I think you’ve
been watching too much Dr Phil.” A half-smile tugs at my lips. We both sit down
on the bench and I do as he says. It does make me feel a bit better.

“Come on. Tell
me what happened. It can’t be that bad.”

I take a long
slow breath. “Okay. You asked for it.” I swallow hard. “Rosie dying sent me
into a tailspin. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t talk to anyone—even Maddie.
Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t do anything. It was my fault, you see—”

“It wasn’t. I’ve
already told you that—” I hold up my hand to silence him.

“Please, Ryan.
Let me finish.”

“Sorry.” He
rests his hand on top of mine. But I pull it away.

“Like I said.
When Rosie died I couldn’t hack it. I totally lost the plot. Went on bender
after bender. Most of it’s a blur until after I got arrested for causing a public
nuisance.”

“What were you
doing?” His voice isn’t sounding so gentle anymore. I knew this would happen.

“Let’s just say
my clothes and I parted company and the people visiting Rydale Fountain might
think twice before visiting again for their family vacation.” The thought of it
makes me feel sick. Even though I can’t remember much about the whole thing.

“Were you on
your own?”

“No. At first a
girl called Lucy from school was with me. She took off when the police arrived.
Not that I blame her. Who wouldn’t in the same situation? I often wonder what
happened to her. Anyway, Mom and Dad bailed me out. They said they understood.
But I heard them talking. I heard Mom say, ‘why can’t she be more like Rosie?’.
So, I’m not making it up about the wrong daughter dying. Am I?” I lean forward
and wrap my arms around my knees and wait for Ryan’s rebuff.