The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (14 page)

“Heck yeah, Jubei! Now he has flown off in a super burst of speed! He is circling ZodGila in a wide orbit as he steadily increases his uncanny velocity!”

“He turns toward ZodGila now, Ichsa-bod! There is going to be an incredible impact!”

“Rar-OOOOPH!!!”

“He did it, Jubei! TiTaupKamaro just backed his high-speed flying tortoise shell straight into ZodGila! Right in the breadbasket, he has to have knocked the breath out of that giant lizard.”

“uh-uh-rah-uh...”

“Ha, ha, ZodGila, what’s the matter, you didn’t like my punch in your tough old gut? Ha, ha, now there is no doubt who the greatest super-monster of all time is. It is I, TiTaupKa...hunh?!”

“Oh no! Jubei, ZodGila is standing and now lifting the great TiTaupKamaro up into the air! ZodGila is twisting his torso and heavy tail as far to his right as he can. He is wound up like a top and now he is swishing his tail back to the right as he expels all his built up torgue into sending TiTaupKamaro on a flat-vectorized, upside-down, spinning flight over the ocean. He is coming down … no, he skipped, … and again! … Ah, on the third skip, mighty TiTaupKamaro has sunk beneath the ocean waves.”

“RRRRAWR!!!
You big jerk! TiTaupKamaro is my pal! You have messed up royally, homeslice. Now I’m
really
mad!
RRRRAWR!!!”

“Rarr!”

~punt~

“
AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA
A
A
AA
AAA.........”

“Oh my goodness, Jubei, ZodGila just kicked Gumibara several miles away!”

“Hurry, Ichsa-bod, we must try to distract ZodGila and lead him away from the city!”

“Right, Jubei! We’ll use our leathery moth wings to fly in front of him. Maybe we can annoy him away from ToeKey-Oh.”

“Hai! Hey, ZodGila! You big, dumb, super-monster, why don’t you come after me, hunh?”

“Hi! Hey ZodGila! You are a big meanie-head for bullying our super-monster pals!”

“Rar.”

“Eek! ZodGila is swatting away at me like I was some kind of inhuman fly! Unh, I’m hit! Ah

                                                h

                                          h

                                   h!

                         ZodGila

               broke

          my

      wings!

   I’m

falling!”

“Hai, I’ve got you, Ichsa-bod, but my wings cannot carry us both. I must now hurriedly land.”

“Thanks for getting me safely to the ground, Jubei. You really saved my life, my friend.”

“Hai, of course, Ichsa-bod. You have been entrusted to my care. The magical IndiGoGo Girls indicated that you are the one Fated to stop ZodGila.”

“I know, Jubei, but I don’t know what else to do. I would do anything to save the folks of ToeKey-Oh.”

“I too, would do anything in my power to save this city and her uncountable population. I would make any sacrifice. I would lay down my life to save the city of ToeKey-Oh.”

“Yessir, me too, Jubei.”

“Do you mean it, Ichsa-bod? You would make any sacrifice? You would even lay down your life?”

“Well, sir, as you say, there are over a million people at risk. What is one life, versus a million lives?”

“Hai. I am glad to hear you say that, Ichsa-bod. It makes this next action much easier.”

“What action is that, sir?”

“This. Um, Ichsa-bod, look at that bird up there.”

“Bird? What bird, Ju...”

~punch!~

“Ohhh..... Did something just happen? I feel like I’m just waking up. I think I
am
just waking up. Ohhh, the hinges of my jaw are sore. There is a tender spot on my chin. I feel like I just got socked. Hey, I did just get socked! Hey, Jubei, what’s going on?”

“Hai, Ichsa-bod, I am sorry to inform you that I did indeed, punch you on the chin. My most sincere apologies, my worthy friend.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Jubei. I’m sure you wouldn’t punch me on the jaw hard enough to knock me out unless you had a good reason. Um, you did have a good reason, didn’t you?”

“Hai, my honourable and trusting friend. The IndiGoGo Girls were sure that you were Fated to stop the Great ZodGila. I think that we have exhausted every possible avenue of your expertise in this endeavor. With ZodGila poised to rain down death upon a million souls, it is now my belief that the IndiGoGo Girls’ prophesy of Fate is different than what we had at first supposed. I believe now that you are intended to be a sacrifice to the Great ZodGila.”

“What makes you think that I’m an appropriate sacrificial offering?”

“I am thinking a virgin sacrifice is necessary.”

“Yeah, okay, that makes sense. . . Hey! Who told you that?!”

“It is written all over your face.”

“Oh. Yessir.”

“The massive expanses of these ToeKey-Oh shipyards are the last obstruction before ZodGila makes it to the heart of the city. The wide open expanses of this industrial terminal where I have staked you out, by wrist and ankle on this linked, sharp, twisty-top wire fencing is in ZodGila’s path. It is my hope that he will see you and recognize that you are to be sacrificed.”

“Oh my goodness, Jubei, you mean you’re just going to leave here to be gobbled up by ZodGila?”

“Hai. I hope the end comes quickly Ichsa-bod. Farewell, my brave friend.”

“Jubei! Wait, I’m not sure if I am really that brave! Come back! Jubei!”

“Jubei, please don’t leave me out here to get all gobbled up gone! There’s got to be another way! Jubei! Jubei!”

Jubei is gone.

I’m all alone, except for ZodGila.

Ohh, I can tell by his footsteps that he is headed this way! Maybe if I think invisible thoughts, he won’t see me. Yeah, that’s the ticket! I’ll just play possum! He is so big, and I am so puny in comparison, he probably won’t even notice me.

Oh, I sure am lonesome for my Miss Plumtartt! Oh, Persephone, I’m sorry I went and let myself get all gobbled up by this great big scary monster. I sure hope you make it through all this and don’t get ette.

Oh, there’s ZodGila! He’s looming over the buildings of the industrialized docks. He is pausing to look around. Oh, please don’t see me! I’ll just close my eyes and pretend I am invisible. Hmm, hmm, you can’t see me, lah, dih, dah. I’ll just take a little peek to see if its working. Hooray! He is looking around the harbour completely oblivious to my presence.

Uh, oh.

I shouldn’t have looked.

I think he sees me. His yellow eyes are staring at me. Unblinking, he is slowly starting to head in my direction. Without even looking at what he is doing, for he has not taken his eyes off of me yet, he crumples the massive warehouses that service the docks. ZodGila casually pushes a huge crane over into the bay. He stands before me! I think Jubei was right! Maybe I
am
intended to be a sacrifice! The monster is rearing up to his fullest height! ZodGila takes in a huge breath of air...”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

Ouff. I feel as if a steamroller has just flattened me. The force of that roar could propel the blades of every windmill in the Netherlands for a hundred years, peel the paint off a house, and still have enough oomph to shave the Statue of Liberty’s armpit.

Ol’ yellow eyes is starting up with the glaring treatment again. I can almost feel a heat coming off his peepers. I can’t stand it! To be scrutinized by such a beast in this manner is unbearable!

“Yeah, yeah, I see you too, big boy. What are you staring at? Why don’t you take one of them, there photy-graghs, hunh? It’ll last longer!”

“rrr.”

Oh goodness, he’s bending down! His forelegs are on the ground! He’s bending down to gobble me up! This is it!

Well, what are you waiting on? You just gonna look at me? I don’t think Miss Plumtart ever gave me such a close inspection as you’re giving me, ZodGila.

“Howdy.”

Oh, no, he’s coming in really close now. This is it! His cavernous mouth is right above me! It’s moving down, his chin just barely grazed me. Augh! His breath is awful! It smells like excoriation process death breath! Row upon row of gigantic, pointy teeth almost slay me. His upper lip  passes, then a huge cavern appears. Oh, it must be a nostril. Now his great snout goes past until I am eye to eye with enormity personified.

We both hold the stare. A burning, golden light surrounds the vertical slit of pupil. The enormous black abyss invites me in. If I were not secured to this chain-net fence, I would surely tumble into the yawning void. I have never held my eyes open this long before. I don’t think I
can
blink.

The eyes move up, as the mouth quickly comes back into view. Now it goes downward and I am once again faced with the cavernous nostril of a titan.

He inhales!

~sss-nnn-i-i-i-i-i-fff~

“Augh!”

For all the terrible force of ZodGila’s roar, this opposite action is even worse than the concussion of his terrible voice. The suction feels as if it will rip the skin from my body! The induction is incredible! If I were not securely staked out in place, I would surely be inhaled into those mighty lungs!

~ah-
choo!
~

“Ooph!”

Blechk! I am totally slimed in lizard snot!

ZodGila is leaning in again.

He is taking another sniff, but gentler this time. He is looking at me with curiosity. In a way, his expression is somehow familiar.

The Komodo Dragon from Monstrous Island! Of course! He sniffed my hand to know that I meant him no harm! I think he can remember my scent and the sound of my voice!

“Hey, there, Mr. ZodGila, sir, remember me? I helped free your leg when you were trapped. You got a good whiff of me then, do you remember that? I did not mean you any harm then, and I still don’t wish you any harm, now, buddy.”

“rrrmmmrrr”

“The way you sit back on your haunches and take on a contemplative expression, tends to make me think that you do recall. Maybe you are even getting the impression that perhaps not all humans are evil.”

“rrrmmmrrr”

Uh, oh, it looks as if ZodGila has come to a decision. He is standing back up! He is taking a long, slow, look at ToeKey-Oh. Hey, he is turning away from the city!

I can’t believe it!

This is too good to be true!

I think ZodGila going back to Monstrous Island!

“Hooray! Everything’s going to be okay!”

~ping-a-ling-a-ping-a-ling-a~

~bing-a-jing-a-jing!~

~ping-a-ling-a-ping-a-ling-a~

~bing-a-jing-a-jing!~

“He makes us writhe in agony,”

“and scream in pain!”

“There is no doubt,”

“he really is insane!”

“When there’s a lot at stake,”

“he’s a high roller,”

“The dictator of Planet Eckes,”

“Super-Controller!”

“Blechk! You stunningly beautiful dancing slave clone-girls in your enticing costumes of ethereal nothingness make me sick! That girl in the back row was almost a half beat behind the other girls on the second chorus’s triple pirouette! That is unacceptable! Take that talentless female away and see to her long and painful demise. You may as well slay the rest of this dance team while you’re at it; they are probably infected with possible imperfections as well. Have these insufficient talent laden girls taken away and executed at once, then see to your own execution, you dictatorial wonk. I can’t have this sort of incompetence around me!”

“Yes, Super-Controller!”

“Where is the costume designer for these test tube bimbos?”

“Here I am, Super-Controller!”

“Now see here, you talentless hack, masquerading as a threadtician, I want more transparency in those outfits! I want to see skin! But not too transparent! Their costumes should be sexy, but not skanky! I want there to be some element of allure! Bah! Make the necessary corrections and then see to your own long and painful demise.”

“Yes, Super-Controller!”

“Bah, where is the genetic sequencer responsible for designing my dancing slave girls?”

“Here I am Super-Controller!”

“I want these girls to desire me! Though this last troupe of dance girls went through all the motions of enticing seduction, they appeared as if they did not like me at all! You must make them seem sincere in their adoration! And another thing! I am still not happy with the skin tones you have produced! I want more variety of colours! Red, blue, and yellow skinned women are easy! I demand to be pleased by orange, fuschia, purple, and green skinned beautiful dancing girls! Is that really so hard? Did you see the red girl? Do you really call that shade of skin red? Oye calls it pink! All of their pigmentation must be made more bright and vivid, but still with a soft, and subtle sophistication! And another thing! I want their huge bouffant hairdos to be of a contrasting colour to their skin! Do I have to think of everything? See that the next batch are grown properly before you see to your own execution!”

“Yes, Super-Controller!”

“You there, you are the person responsible for the inane rhythms these girls were playing on their finger mounted mini-cymbals, aren’t you? Go on, long and painful, yaddah, yaddah, you know the routine.”

“Yes, Super-Controller!”

“A thousand pardons Super-Controller, but I have urgent news to inform you!”

“How dare you interrupt me with something urgent! Can’t you see I’m busy? What is it?”

“It is that pesky planet Earth again, Super-Controller! They have successfully detonated another explosive device that could lead to highly advanced, genetic mutation developments!”

“Those uppity worms! We must nip this problem in the pupal stage before those disgusting Earthlings think that they can rival the great Planet Eckes! Send out the call! I want the arena filled with adoring slave/fans at once! We shall send Earth a planet destroying visitor. Prepare the ‘
Ineluctable One’
for interplanetary transportudinal displacement rearrangement!”

“Yes, Super Controller! We are ready, oh great one!”

“Bah, then I shall glower and skulk my way to the speederer platform.”

Here on the balcony, I am afforded a view of my dark world. Flashes of purple lightning briefly illuminate the wet, black, spires of this planet’s capitol. Beneath the turmoil of perpetual storms, my city of hatred spreads like a rash from an arachnoidpede’s poison bite.

“Get this speederer moving, soldier! I need to be immediately whisked to the Planet Eckes, exhibition arena!”

Yes, here we are, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of my subject slaves are already in a high state of excitement. I shall immediately go to my grandstand announcement position.

“Testing, testing. Is this S.A., ’Slave Address’ system operating properly? It is? Good! Now then, hear this my loyal slave subjects! A threat has arisen! Our very own beloved world of unending hatred itself, Planet Eckes, is in danger! That sneaky, Planet Earth has developed a weapon that could someday rival one of our own incredible super-weapons! This cannot be allowed to happen! We are going to send the greatest super monster weapon ever created to destroy Planet Earth! This gigantic, way over-sized coliseum is still too small to hold our fantastic super-weapon! Many of you will in all likelyhood be crushed when it arrives, but that is just too bad. You can’t prepare a gahdonkordank souffle’ without breaking a few kor-kor eggs! Now then, bring forth the
‘Ineluctable One’
!”

“Ah, I see, you are peeling back the wide fields of gladiator combat that spread across this vast arena, to allow the behemoth a dramatic entrance from below ground on an elevator platform!”

“Oh my Badness! This leviathan is too much for my senses to comprehend! Hurry, we must banish this super-monster to Planet Earth before it forgets who his master is!”

“I am the master of Planet Eckes! I am the Supreme, Super-Controller, and I am your master! You will do my bidding, you who cannot be resisted, the ‘
Ineluctible One’
! Go to the upstart Planet Earth! Find their puny super-monsters and destroy them. Then, go on and destroy all of that insignificant world!”

“Hurry, my slaves! We must create the psionic stasis field that will send our greatest weapon on its journey of destruction! There are half a million people on hand in this open air coliseum! Let the song be sung! Let us send ‘
Kitkara, the Ineluctable One’
, to the other side of the solar system with our collective mind energies!”

.    .    .    .

“Kitkara . . . !”

.     .    .    .

“Kitkara . . . !”

.    .    .    .

“Golden scales”

“of brilliant light.”

“Incomprehensible”

“is your might.”

“Three gaping maws”

“say ’bite, bite, bite.”

“To fill our foes”

“with eternal fright.”

“Kitkara . . . !”

“Kitkara . . . !”

“You there, super-monster Kitkara! I am your Master! I am the Supreme Super-Controller of Planet Eckes! You are compelled to obey my commands! I order you to destroy Planet Earth! Smash their puny cities into the ground! Destroy all that they have created! Annihilate Earth’s populations! Every living thing must die! Exterminate the Earthlings! You will start with their puny attempts at super-monster development. Once you destroy their super-monster, should they have one worth bothering with, you may lay waste to their world without interference. Let nothing stop you, Kitkara!”

“REEER-REERLL!”

“REEER-RAWRLL!”

“REEER-RORLL!”

“Kitkara . . . !”

“Kitkara . . . !”

“Through their skies, you will fly!”

“Planet Earth will die, die, die!”

“Send their cities, back to dirt!”

“Our gift to you is a world of hurt!”

“Oh, Kitkara . . . !”

“Oh, Kitkara . . . !”