The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (18 page)

“Oh, look, ZodGila has leapt upwards with his great lizard haunches, to come back down with his feet straight into Kitkara’s abdomen while continuing and dramatically increasing his considerable momentum, swung his tail through the legs of the standing, three-headed cat. Good show, ZodGila has performed a Congan
‘
Orangutan Toss’ with some skill and alacrity, I say. His push with feet and pull of head, has sent Kitkara on a distant flight with, undoubtedly, a stout accompanying landing, eh hem?”

“If you please, some measure of doubt must now be given to your undoubted prediction, Persephone, for as you can see, Kitkara, like all felines, has an uncanny ability to always land on his feet!”

“REEER-REERLL!”

“REEER-RAWRLL!”

“REEER-RORLL!”

“We dirty our paws, fighting this battle on your terms. This battle shall be fought on the terms of Kitkara!”

~whoom.~

~WHOOM.~

~WHOOM!~

~WHOOM!!!~

~WHOOP,WHOOP,WHOOP~

~WHOOP,WHOOP,WHOOP,WHOOP~

~WHOOP,WHOOP,WHOOP,WHOOP~

~WHOOP!WHOOP!WHOOP!WHOOP!~

“Kitkara has taken flight once again, Miss Plumtartt!”

“Rather, Mr. Temperance, he is quickly able to gather speed as he once again, begins his taunting, orbit of ZodGila. ZodGila turns around and about in his attempt to maintain surveillance of interplanetary invader. Poor fellow, once more, ZodGila dizzies himself in his pursuit of the flying catastrophe of the super-monster Kitkara.”

“Hai, our airbourne antagonist balls his claws together before him to form the hammer of a mighty battering ram!”

~WHAMMO!!!~

“If you please, the great ZodGila has been knocked back an evolutionary step or two with that tremendous blow.”

~BLAMMO!!!~

“Land o’ Goshen, that double fisted strike was per’t near a knock-out whallop!”

“My word, Mr. Temperance, I fear another strike is more than our hero can bear, eh hem? ZodGila stumbles about, trying to find his high-speed and elusive foe, but once again, only furthers his own, debilitating, and dizzying, dilemma. Hello, what’s this? ZodGila is closing his eyes! He stretches out his snout, his arms, and his tail. I do believe that he is attempting to track Kitkara by means of his other senses! Since sight is proving to be an unreliable source of good reconnaissance, ZodGila now uses his super-monster heightened smell, feel, and aural senses, to protect himself.”

“Hai, Kitkara is wary and glides in quietly from behind.”

“If you please, ZodGila now carefully sniffs at the air.”

~WHI
-
POW!!!~

“Yay! ZodGila spun backwards and downwards in perfect timing with Kitkara’s arrival to lash out with his tail and smack ol’ Kitkara a good ’un!”

~KWER
-THWAPPE!!!~

“Dear me, it is undetermined as to whether this outcome were intentional or not. Be that as it may, ZodGila’s strike had the unfortunate effect of spinning Kitkara in a floating, stationary circle, the end result being ZodGila standing up to get a velocity drenched, weighted gryphon tail to the side of his head.”

“Hai, ZodGila drunkenly stumbles to his left.”

“If you please, he now staggers in an inebriated fashion back to his right.”

“Oh my goodness, y’all, now ZodGila is taking a full, falling tree, dead to the world, square and heavy, face-plant on his super-monster moosh.”

~thud.~

“Reerll!
Now you are going to get it! I contemptuously turn my back so that I can lift my deadly, weighted tail high into the air and bring it down with terrible force, like
this!”

~THUDDDE!!!~

“And like this!”

~THUDDDE!!!~

“And this!”

~THUDDDE!!!~

“This.”
~THUD!~
“Is.”
~THUD!~
“For.
”
~THUD!~
“Daring.
”
~THUD!~
“To.”
~THUD!~
“Strike.”
~THUD!~
“Me!
”
~THUD!~THUD!~THUD!~ ~THUD!~THUD!~THUD!~

“Stop it you big jerk! You’re killing him!”

“Ha, ha! That’s the idea, Earth-ant! You’re next! I’ll just throw in a few more heartless strikes for good measure,”
~THUD
~
~THUD!
~THUDDDE!~
“but the monster ZodGila is no more. As you can see, he has been pummeled into monster mash.”

“How dare you, Kitkara? You fiend, I will stop you!”

“Just, eh, how do you plan on doing that, Gumibara?”

“ . . . ? ? ? . . . ”

“Ha, just as I suspected. One swipe of my paw will eliminate you from my concern, you silly bear.”

~swipe.~

   “
AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA
A
A
AA
AAA.........”

“You should not have done that, Kitkara. Gumibara was a friend of mine. I am now going to perform my Hah-Chew, or, special war dance, in which I ceremonially proclaim my Pacific Island machismo and fearsome warrior capabilities.”

“Bah, I am not interested in your deep-kneed stance, and vulgar dance in which you pound your turtle legs and chest with your turtle flippers. I shall scornfully swat you away with a quick, fell swoop of my mighty tail.”

~SWOOP!~

“Gro-o-o-o-o-o-onk!”

“All of Earth’s super-monsters are now defeated! Surely I, Kitkara, am the greatest being in the universe!”

“Oh, Kitkara .  .  . “

“Kitkara .  .  . “

“Your super-monsters”

“were but little pests.”

“Nothing can stop me”

“destroying all the rest!”

“Oh, Kitkara .  .  . “

“Kitkara .  .  . “

“I’ll smash your cities “

“and cause lots of train wrecks.”

“This uppity little world”

“Is nothing next to Planet Eckes!”

“Oh, Kitkara .  .  . “

“Kitkara .  .  . “

“The greatest being in the universe,”

“Tra-la-la-la-la.”

“Tremble when you hear the name of  “Kitka...guhlk.”

“Kit...”

“Super-Controller!”

“Super-Controller!”

“The most supremest being there ever was in this or any universe is Super-Controller. Super-Controller must be loved and held in highest regard at all times. Even I, the
‘Ineluctible One’,
mighty Kitkara, . . . pale , , in comparison . . with the great Super-Controller of Planet Eckes!”

“Super-Controller!”

“Super-Controller!”

“I don’t care if I know nothing of rhyme.”

“My rhythm is probably out of time.”

“Super-Controller!”

“Kitkara is a loyal servant of”

“Super-Controller!”

“Kitkara .  .  . “

“Oh, Kitkara .  .  . “

“Kitkara .  .  . “

“Watch out, y’all, Kitkara is powering up his wings again! The wind gusts are throwing around lots of dangerous debris!”

“Hai, look out, Rhianico!”

“If you please, Jubei, eek!”

“Hai,
unh!”

“Oh, dear, Mr. Temperance. In an effort to protect the lovely Rhianico from airbourne detritus, Jubei has himself been struck a grievous blow.”

“This is terrible, Miss Plumtartt!”

“Ha, ha! I will now instigate a super-vortex tornado twister above this city’s rubble and send its floppy flotsam for hundreds of miles! My super-speed flying will instigate the whirlwind of wanton destruction that I desire! A few circles around this city will do the trick!”

“Kitkara is flying in a huge circle around ToeKey-oh! The wind is starting to pick up, in an alarming, sudden tornado kind of way.”

“Yes, Mr. Temperance, but look at what I see, it is the return of our faithful friend, Gumibara. I say, are you all right, sir?”

“Ohhh, that was a tough hit; however, since I have no bones to break, I have withstood the super-monster strike.”

“Looky there, y’all, it’s TiTaupKamaro!”

“Gro-o-onk. Ohhh, if I did not have this super-monster protective shell, I would not have survived the encounter.”

“I have an observation that I would like to share, if I may. During Kitkara’s victory song, he seemed to be in the thrall of a person not present for a few awkwardly phrased lines, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am. It seemed like somebody named
‘
Super-Controller’ was trying to exercise his will on the mighty Kitkara from a remote location.”

“I say, I do so wish we possessed a way to get the remote Super-Controller away from Kitkara, as there might be the slimmest of chances that we could reason with the beast.”

“Oh, I wish I could ride on that raft we made earlier through the air to get that old Kitkara!”

“I wish that I could fly in such a way that I could see where I am going. The way it is now, my flights are dangerously out of control.”

“Gee willikers, y’all; that’s it! We can answer all three wishes! If we attached harnesses to the back edge of TiTaupKamaro’s shell, Gumibara has the strength to guide TiTaupKamaro in flight! What do you say, TiTaupKamaro? do you have the necessary torque to get Gumibara aloft?”

“GRONK!
  Ha! Of course I do! Let’s get radical to the max!”

“My word, Mr. Temperance, you have indeed devised a way of maintaining pursuit, sir, however, does your plan go so far as to stopping our
foe felidae,
eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am. When Kitkara got interrupted by super-controller, I noticed that little silver chest on the back of his red neck collar was just a flashing and blinking away, ninety to nothing, with some strange alien electrics. I gotta hunch that might have something to do with Super-Controller’s communication. I’m a fair hand at tinkering and fixing things, but when it comes to ruining a perfectly good contraption, why there ain’t nobody better than Ichabod Temperance! If Gumibara and TiTaupkamaro can get me to Kitkara, I think I can disable that remote controller, and then maybe, like you said, we can talk some sense with Kitkara.”

“Are you are saying that you want Gumibara to pilot TiTaupKamaro to a stealthy, in-flight rendezvous with the mighty Kitkara? On the unlikely occurrence of this happy circumstance you hope to free Kitkara from the influence of the Super-Controller, and as such free the behemoth to destroy all that there is for his own sake and glory. Your fragile hope lies in deterring Kitkara once he is beyond interspatial interaction. Oh dear, this mission is far more fraught with peril than my normal tolerance of danger allows for, Mr. Temperance. Please assure me that you intend to be careful, sir.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“We have the shell harnessed up and ready, Icky! Let’s go!”

“Okay, Gumibara, here I come!”

“Oh, Mr. Temperance, stop! Please come back here, sir.”

“Yes, Ma’am?”

“Under the circumstances, I am compelled by an irresistible compulsion. I want you to kiss me once more before you depart. Oh, dash it all, I wish for you to have a kiss, for luck, Mr. Temperance. Yes, rather, and I urgently wish to impart it to you, forthwith!”

“Gee!”

“If you please, my injured Jubei, with the destroyed city of Toekey-Oh as a backdrop, you will see the two young lovers sharing a sweet, passionate kiss.”

“Hai, Rhianico. This mission Ichsa-bod is about to embark on is so dangerous that it borders on ridiculous. Persephone is afraid that this will be her last embrace with the odd little fellow.”

“Ahhhh, don’t they make a charming couple, Gumibara?

“All the world loves a lover but we need to break up this smooch-fest if we are going to save planet Earth. Hey you kids, wrap it up! This train is leaving the station!”

“Don’t you worry none, Miss Plumtartt; everything is gonna be all right, Ma’am, just you wait and see.”

“Do you promise, Mr. Temperance?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I promise.”

“Then I am reassured. Go forth and slay that dragon, my hero.”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Let’s light this fire-cracker! Flame up, TiTaupKamaro!”

“GRONK!
Hang on guys, we are about to blow this sushi stand. Avert your eyes, gentlemen; I am igniting the rear flippers, ... now! Check! We have visual confirmation on both rear flippers being alight. Look away dudes, I am igniting the front flippers, ... now! Right on! I have visual confirmation of both front flippers to be alight, roger, roger. We are good to groove, Kimo-wasabis!
Unh!”

“Gumibara is a lot of super-monster to lift! Can you do it, TiTaupKamaro?”

“Unh!
I can do it, Icky!
Unnnnnh!”