The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (8 page)

“I was the first to suffer the process. I have seen it conducted on two successive occasions. The first detonation was on land, for Gumibara, and the second, at sea, for TiTaupKamaro. My reconnaissance shows that he is preparing for a surface detonation for the next subject.”

“But he is out of test subjects, TuRuDan. He is alone up there with his assistant and sister!”

“Great Scott, you don’t think the cad could sink so low as to conduct the experiment upon his own sister, do you?”

“Hai, Persephone, I do think that such a reprehensible act is not beneath this terrible man.”

“Come together my comrades, the time has come for Monstrous Island to banish this fiend from her magical shores. Let us form our plan of liberation.”

“Is Rhianico, er, that is, I mean, is the subject prepared, Laurie?”

“Ehnn-yes, Herr Dauktor! Your sister, oops! I mean, the nameless test subject is securely strapped into place on the North shore. The
Excoriation
device is in perfect alignment to bring utmost muta-trans-bio-atomical disarrangement. I have a nice picnic lunch prepared to enjoy while we watch the process from behind the shielded, protective, blast wall.”

“Excellent, Laurie, I shall just set my automatronic mercenary army on highest alert, just in cast that stupid ToeKey-Oh kid, Jubei-bei face comes snooping around again. I shall order my man-made men to kill Juby-doobie, his ditzy couple friends, and Gumibara on sight!”

“Ehnn-yes, Herr Dauktor! Hunh? Dauktor, listen! I hear a rhythmic thumping coming from the front of the castle!”

buh-dubbity-thump, buh-dubbity-thump

buh-dubbity-dubbity,

thump. thump-thump

buh-dubbity-thump, buh-dubbity-thump

buh-dubbity-dubbity,

thump. thump-thump

“We know you’re here,”

“Your intentions are clear.”

“An Excoriation Detonation,”

“Is what we fear.”

“Bah, be quiet, Gumibara, you are a stupid, and foolish super-monster! Go away before I destroy you forever!”

“Skippity-hoppity-bop!”

“Jiggle-jiggle-jiggle!”

“Hoppity-skippity-bop!”

“Wiggle-wiggle-wiggle!”

“Boppity-hoppity-skip!”

“Giggle-giggle-giggle!”

“Hey Doctor Lionel!”

“Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.”

“On you, I’m gonna tell.”

“Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle!”

“Somebody ring a bell”

“Giggle, giggle, giggle!

“The Doc’s going straight to gel!”

“Bah, that’s bold talk for a translucent loser like you, Gumibara. I shall never see the inside of your jails! All weapon batteries, stand by! Are you ready, my hydro cannon? Good! How about my electro-caster blasters? Excellent! Are my torpedo launchers prepared for battle? . . . I said, are my torpedo launchers ready?”

“Nnnn-no, Dauktor, that is, the launchers are prepared, but we have not actually finished building our ingenious land torpedos yet.”

“Well, what’s the hold-up?”

“It seems the torpedos require the medium of water to hold them up, Dauktor. The process, alas, does not always work as well on dry land.”

“Bah, I do not need torpedos to defeat that silly bear! Fire on that menace with all available armaments!”

~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~

“Dauktor, that treacherous bear has deployed a large shield to protect himself!”

“That’s no shield, that’s TiTaupKamaro! Impossible! Those two have joined forces against me? Now I’m really mad! I shall destroy them! The only thing stopping me is that impenetrable shield that TiTaupKamaro walks around in! No matter! Nothing can withstand the barrage that pours down upon it! Those two shall both soon perish!”

“EEEEEEEERNK!!!”

* P*O*P ! *

“Ach! Mein ears! Dauktor Lionelstein, what has happened? All of the automated defenses have shut down!”

“Laurie, don’t you realize? That was an E.M.P. detonation! Someone has released an Electro-Misconstrudelation Pulsation! All of our electro-controlled weapon systems are incapacitated! Only one being is capable of a full charged EMP blast such as that!”

“
EEEERNK!
Stand down and  call off your ‘
Excoriation Process’
detonation Doctor Lionelstein! You are defeated and Monstrous Island is free once more.”

“TuRuDan, I thought you were dead! You have not been seen in years! You prehistoric fossil, why don’t you mind your own business! You are a throw-back to a time and land forgotten! I am the present and the future! I will not let you stand in my way! You may have disabled my autoclockatons, but your super-screetch had no effect on my internal, neural intero-connected servo-system! My accouterments are immune to your E.M.P. screetch! Ha, ha, you bird-brain, I see you with my, …
Evil Eye!”

whuh
-brr-
bzzzzzck!!!

“EERK! EERK! EERK!
I am struck by that cursed beam! His eye has blinded my mind!”

“
EEEEEEEEEEEERK!”

“Ha, ha! That’s it, TuRuDan, fly away you big chicken! That will show you who the
real
master of Monstrous Island is!”

“Come on, TiTaupKamaro, now is our chance! Fire up all of your thrusters!”

“But Gumibara, I am still tilted up on my edge; put me down first!”

“No, I know what I’m doing! Fire up all your thrusters! Hurry, the auto-army is starting to come back to life!”

“Okay, Gumibara, firing rear thrusters, now! Rear thrusters lit! Firing front thrusters, now! Front thrusters lit! Now what?”

“Turn all of your thrusters hard to the left!”

“What are you thinking of, Gumibara? Huh! No way, dude! That could never work!”

“Do it, TiTaupKamaro! Good that’s it! I am holding you back! I am not going to let you go until you have enough thrust to knock down that iron gate!”

“But why are you holding me sideways?”

“I believe that the spinning edge of your shell is the best method of breaching that castle. Besides, it will be enjoyable to watch, as I anticipate that it will have the appearance of a holiday pinwheel, propelled by fireworks rockets. Come on, TiTaupKamaro! Rev it up higher, you prime mover, we’re going to crash this party!”

“Gumibara!”

“TitaupKamaro, I can’t hold you any longer! Get ready, because, here... you...
GO!”

“GRAW-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAWNCK!”

“They did it! Gumibara and TiTaupKamaro have knocked the castle’s gates right off their hinges! Hey, wait up, Mr. Trevorgawa! C’mon Miss Plumtartt, we gotta hurry to catch up!”

“Ha, ha! These tinker-bot soldiers are but toys in my gigantic paws, ha, ha!”

“GRONK!!!
Ha, ha! Save a few mechanical monsters for me, Gumibara! I enjoy crushing the life out of their lifeless bodies also, ha, ha!
GRONK!!!”

“Come along, Mr. Temperance, I think we can safely leave the dispatch of these geared, cog-guards to our capable companions, yes, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am. Let’s you and me go find Mr. Trevorgawa and help him out however we can.”

“A capital plan, Mr. Temperance.”

“Thanks, Miss Plumtartt, though in truth that plan entails lots of running up stairs and down lengthy hallways as we climb ever higher and deeper into this foreboding castle. Actually, it is kind of nice! It was only foreboding on the outside. The inside is very tasteful. The polished floors, reflecting warm, lamps glow, the occasional flickering torch and offset lighting brazier stands of expensive design grant an inviting ambiance to the wood tones and paper walls. Be careful, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, it looks like that floor up ahead is slipperier than goose poop on ice.”

“Yes, rather, so it is, Mr. Temperance, yet it is here that we at last find our quarry as you and I both slide and skid our way around this slick, marble floored corner to find ourselves in a lofty hall and witness to our friend Trevorgawa locked in combat with a middle-aged, bald gentleman wearing a thick monocle. No, it is more than a monocle, it is an affixed eyepiece. This, in combination with the mechanical arm augmentation lends me to believe that we are at last in the company of Doctor Atwell Lionelstein.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am. Our friend Mr. Trevorgawa and Doctor Lionelstein are entangled tighter than two lovestruck octopuseseses on their Honeymoon. The secret agent and the Doc are trying to choke the life out of each other but are still managing to maintain a strained conversation.”

“Rrgh! Jubei Trevorgawa, you big snoop! You and those meddlesome monsters are really starting to hack me off! You troublesome, would be samurai! You have no claim on my sister. She belongs to me and I can do with her what I wish. You should just mind your own business and go back to playing secret agent. Your concepts of duty and honour are obsolete in this day and age. Certainly it is obvious that I am the Big Kahuna around here! Rhianico’s sisterly fealty to me is a far stronger claim upon the worthless girl than your silly words of love. Abandon your loyalty for Rhianico and to your country. Serve me, for I am about to rule the World!”

“Rrgh! No! Never! I shall defeat you, Doctor Lionelstein, and free my beautiful Rhianico! I could never serve one such as you!”

“Hey, Mr. Trevorgawa-San! Look out! Doctor Atwell Lionelstein’s hunchbacked assistant, Laurie Petier is sneaking up behind you to hit you with a knobby wooden club!”

~thud~

“Too late, Western couple that I do not recognize outside that you are apparently in league with the ToeKey-Oh kid.”

“Howdy, Doctor Lionelstein, sorry to barge in on you like this and all. My name is Ichabod Temperance, and this here beautiful gal with me is Miss Persephone Plumtartt. We got a pretty good idea that these here experimental trials you are conducting may not have our planet’s best interest at heart. Won’tcha please consider stopping all these dangerous monster making titanic explosions, hunh?”

“Nonsense, boy. Now then, Laurie, let us slay them both and get back to our experiment. Do you have a preference in which trespasser you kill?”

“Ja, ja, ja, Dauktor! Please allow me to butcher the little scrawny one!”

“Very well, Laurie. I suppose that leaves you to me, Miss Plumtartt.”

“I say, it’s just as well, for I know Mr. Temperance has not eaten yet, and I would not want him to dirty his hands.”

“You insolent wench! I shall teach you some manners!”

“Don’t you talk to Miss Plumtartt that way Doc-woah! Hey! Dang, this mean little assistant crazy scientist, Laurie Petier almost did me in with that knobby club of hers!”

“How dare you interfere with the greatness of our experiments! Stand still you squirming little bug! How can I dash in your skull if you keep jerking out of the way? Bah, I have the correct tool for the job. I shall exchange my trusty club for my even more trustworthy ‘Castle-Sweeper’.”

“Woo, whee, Miss Laurie Petier Ma’am, that there is a fine looking firearm! I like the way you have combined a quaint, old-fashioned style of matchlocked gun, and married it to a more modern, multiple round capabilitized device. The platform allows for a dozen, heavy charges to be easily rotated into firing position by means of a sliding mechanism, but it is the distinguished funnel that expands outward to its target that remains the hallmark feature of your repeating blunderbuss. I have one question, though, why not upgrade to cap integrated cartridge ammunition? Why do you still use that smouldering fuse method of firing the weapon? Heck, you still ain’t even got ’er lit yet.”

“Silence you blithering idiot! Ah, there, I have my ThunderBuss lit. Now then, stand still, I am trying to blast you!”

bloomph!!!

“Eee-yowtch! Dang, Laurie Petier, that shot completely disintegrated the great, large, ultra-heavy oak chair I was hiding behind!”

bloomph!!!

“Stand still, Temperance!”

bloomph!!!

“That heavy, over-turned table will provide no refuge for you, you malnourished scare-crow!”

bloomph!!! bloomph!!!

bloomph!!!

“You need to quit trying to blunderbuss me and tell us what you have done with innocent little Rhianico Miss Laurie Petier, Ma’am!”

bloomph!!! bloomph!!!

bloomph!!!

“The girl is prepared for transmutation! As soon as I slay you, I shall go out to the detonation station to instigate ignition on the ultimate engagement of our
’Excoriation Process’
! Your rolling about behind that large, upturned, black iron witch’s kettle will be of no protection to you, you despicable little excuse of a man!”

bloomph!!! bloomph!!!

bloomph!!!

“Hah! That’s twelve shots you have fired at me, Laurie Petier! Now I have you at my mercy!”

“Not when I pop out this depleted cannister”
~click~
“and quickly reinsert a fresh, loaded cannister like this!”
~click~
“Now I have another twelve rounds to blast at you with! Ha, ha!”

bloomph!!!

“Dang, I didn’t figure on that! At least I have been able to keep you distracted long enough that you did not notice Mr. Trevorgawa regain consciousness and slip out to save sweet Rhianico.”

“Curse you, Imbecilabod Temperance! Dauktor, I am going to kill the ToeKey-Oh kid and see to it that the experiment goes forth as planned!”

“Go Laurie Petier, I will follow behind as soon as I finish with dispatching this troublesome Plumtartt woman.”

“Mr. Temperance, please leave the Doctor with me, and go thwart this awful experiment.”