The Sinister Mr. Corpse (12 page)

Stanley nodded. "Some guy on the Internet has
already made the t-shirts."

* * *

The rest of the interview continued without
any pinching or squeezing. Though there were a couple of other
slip-ups and lame answers, Stanley had to say that it had been a
darn good hour of television.

"I've really enjoyed talking to you and
hearing your fascinating story," said Donald, shaking Stanley's
hand as the bad music swelled. He turned to the camera. "Ladies and
gentlemen, you've met The Amazing Mr. Corpse. He's not a shambling,
flesh-eating beast like you'd expect, but rather a kind-hearted
human being who has learned that life truly is worth living. Can't
we all take a page from Stanley Dabernath's book and appreciate the
gifts around us just a little bit more? I'm Donald Mandigan. Good
night."

* * *

"That was wonderful!" said Veronica, giving
Stanley a big hug. "You did great!"

"Thanks."

"It was quite acceptable," said Brant,
extending his hand. "I'm very pleased."

Stanley wasn't keen on the idea of breaking
his hug with Veronica in order to shake Brant's hand, but he did so
anyway. "Thanks. Do you think people will like me?"

"We'll find out."

"Guess what?" Veronica asked. "Tomorrow's
your big day."

"I thought today was my big day."

"Nope. Tomorrow."

"What happens tomorrow? Mandigan and I quit
the nose foreplay and just go at it like wild animals?"

"Tomorrow, Stanley, you get to head out and
speak to your adoring public in person!"

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"I thought he was kinda funny. I wasn't
expecting that from a dead guy, y'know? I mean, I wouldn't want him
hanging around my restaurant or anything, but he seems like a nice
guy."

* * *

"The corpse man came off pretty well, all
things considered. I don't know; I still think it's probably a
hoax. With those computer effects you can pretty much do anything
you want."

* * *

"They don't need to be
showing that kind of scary-ass shit on TV when my kids are still
up. That zombie motherfucker would keep
my
ass up all night, so what kind of
nightmares you think my kids had? They oughta be
ashamed."

* * *

"In a world where
overpopulation is a constant problem, we have
no business
bringing the dead back to
life!"

* * *

"My son already wants to be Mr. Corpse for
Halloween. I keep telling him, Halloween is a long way away, but he
just gets so excited!"

* * *

"Mr. Corpse is
hot
. I don't know if he's
got diseases and all that, but if he got himself tested, I'd do
him."

* * *

"What a load of crap. I
mean, what a load of crap. Do they think we're stupid? Is that what
they think? Do they think we're all a bunch of stupid idiots who'll
buy their load of crap? I saw that same actor last week on a
CSI
repeat. They need to
fire Donald Maninnen, and they need to burn that stupid-looking
mask. My kid could make a better mask than that. What a load of
crap."

* * *

"What bothers me is that people can't see
what's going on here. You don't think the government funded this
project? Guy back from the dead? Hell-oooo, killing machine,
anyone?"

* * *

"I can't even begin to speculate on the
impact of this miraculous breakthrough in science. A world where
everybody is immortal. It's just...it's almost too much for me to
think about. It's staggering. A world without death. Holy
shit."

* * *

"I like him! I know I shouldn't, because he's
a monster, but I can't help it. I like him. He just seems like a
cool guy, somebody you'd want to hang out and have a few beers with
on Saturday night. I'll tell you what, Mr. Corpse, if you're into
poker, stop by my place. We've got the beer. You bring the potato
chips."

* * *

"I would just like to say that it's not
really our business to question what has happened either way, and
that we should support our leaders and scientists and not be always
second-guessing them. And I think that maybe if we did that we
could live better. That's all I wanted to say. Thank you."

* * *

"Dude, where's the Mr.
Corpse video game? That'd be
sweet
!"

* * *

"God is looking down upon us, and God is
crying. This is all against God's will, and there's going to be
judgment. People are going to burn in hell for this. I am terrified
that maybe this is the act that causes God to decide to do a clean
sweep and start over. A lot of people will be answering for their
actions. This could be judgment day. This could be Armageddon."

* * *

"I've gotta say, I just feel sorry for the
poor guy. Why couldn't they leave him dead? He looked so peaceful.
Now he's deformed and kind of gory and I just wouldn't want to live
like that. How can he have a normal life? Why would they do that to
somebody? He didn't ask to come back. They should've left him
alone. Nobody should have to go through that."

* * *

"I didn't actually watch the interview, but
we're having a Going Out of Business sale here at Walt's Furniture
and everything must go! Save thirty, forty, even fifty percent on
all items in our store! Our doors close on Sunday, so don't miss
out!"

* * *

"I think it's ghoulish. Sick people doing
sick things to entertain other sick people. Disgusting."

* * *

"My question is, why Stanley Dabernath? If we
have the power to bring the dead back to life, why not start with
Einstein? Why not Shakespeare? Abraham Lincoln? It seems to me that
you're low-balling the whole miracle by wasting it on some sleazy
film distributor living in a trailer park. Even if you argue that
there's not enough left of Lincoln to resurrect--which there
probably isn't, I'll admit--there have to be other people who died
recently who are much more worthy subjects. Why not a brilliant
musician, or a physicist, or an inventor, or even a social worker
who volunteers all of her time to help people? Why bring this loser
back? What's he going to contribute to the world?"

* * *

"My uncle, he was into this cryogenics stuff.
He was always like 'They're gonna freeze my body when I die and
bring me back to life in a thousand years and I'll get to see the
future!' And we were all like, yeah, right. It wasn't even gonna be
his whole body, just his head. And we're all laughing at him and
he's getting all pissed off and he runs out the door and he gets
smushed by a pizza delivery truck. Not even enough left of his head
to freeze. Sucked to be him."

* * *

"If you discover a way to
bring my mother-in-law back, please, I'm begging you,
don't!
Ha ha, I'm just
kidding, honey."

* * *

"I'm already sick of hearing about him. Mr.
Corpse this, Mr. Corpse that, blah, blah, blah. He's so overrated.
I'll bet you anything he runs for office. That's just what we need;
a zombie in the white house. Oooh, let me get right to those voting
booths now!"

* * *

"It's witchcraft. Science can't bring dead
people back to life so that they retain their memories, their
personalities. How is he talking? How is he moving? There's
something unholy going on here."

* * *

"Mr. Corpse is a homo."

"No,
you're
a homo."

"No,
you're
a homo."

"You thought Mr. Corpse had a nice butt."

"Oh, that's just wrong!"

"You did! I saw you checking out his butt on
TV!"

"He was sitting down the whole time,
homo!"

* * *

"I'm not necessarily against the whole idea
of what they've done, but I wonder if they tested for all possible
side effects. I hope they keep him on a leash when he's out in
public."

* * *

"The whole thing makes me miss my wife Megan.
She passed away on the same day that Stanley Dabernath did, and I'd
give anything to have her back. A lot of people are going to
ridicule Stanley for the way he looks, but I bet there are plenty
of people who love him, no matter what. I'd want Megan back.
Unconditionally."

* * *

"They're just exploiting it. Why does this
thing have to be dumbed-down for the masses? Why aren't we hearing
about the science involved instead of watching him act like a guest
on Letterman? Where's the NOVA special? Why does everything have to
be about the entertainment value?"

* * *

"Mr. Corpse is a freak, man! Did you see his
ugly skull-lookin' face? Nasty. He's like Frankenstein. I've got
nothing against the guy personally, but it's just not a face I need
to be looking at. Yecch."

* * *

"What I want to know is, if he had kids,
would they come out alive or dead?"

* * *

"The Amazing Mr. Corpse makes him sound like
a circus act. I expected him to start juggling or spinning plates.
I know that Stanley Dabernath isn't really a good name for a
zombie, but they've got to do better. Or else he's got to start
juggling or spinning plates. I'd pay to see that, to be perfectly
honest..."

* * *

"I thought it was a great
interview, but dead guys should
not
wear blue."

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"Oh, come
on
!"

"You don't like it?" asked Veronica, tilting
the poster as if viewing it at a slightly different angle might
improve Stanley's opinion of it.

The glossy poster featured
the words "
APPEARING TODAY: THE AMAZING
MR. CORPSE
" in large orange letters. The
rest of the poster was an artist's rendition of Stanley wearing a
three-piece suit, a top hat, and holding a cane. Stanley didn't
object to the attire.

"I'm a skeleton!" he said.

"Well, yeah. It's not meant to be an actual
picture of you. But it's eye-catching, isn't it?"

"Very eye-catching. But I'm a skeleton!"

"Why is that a problem?"

"Because that's not what I look like. Yeah,
I've got splotches of decay all over my body, and the skin on my
face is kinda stretched out so that it looks skeletal." He tapped
on the poster. "But this is a skeleton! This is just bones! I'm not
just bones!"

"It's symbolic."

"It's symbolic of a skeleton! And I'm not a
skeleton!"

"Stanley, I can understand what you're
saying, and I didn't personally design the poster. But they felt
the image would be less disturbing this way."

"Oh, so now I'm disturbing?"

Veronica let out a frustrated sigh. "I
apologize. You've made enough obnoxious comments about it that I
thought you were realistic about the effect your appearance might
have on people. I didn't realize that I needed to tiptoe around the
subject."

Stanley took the poster and looked at it more
closely. Maybe Veronica was right. He'd been pretty outspoken about
being unattractive/grotesque, and bones were a better selling point
than rot. He supposed it wasn't much different than a celebrity's
photo being airbrushed to remove wrinkles and a saggy ass.

"All right," he said, reluctantly. "If I have
to be a skeleton, I'll be a skeleton. But no jokes about snapping
my wishbone, or 'You'd better get something to eat because I can
see your ribs,' or 'Hey, Stanley, what's the hip bone connected
to?' or anything like that."

"I promise."

"However, you can make all the boner jokes
you want."

"I probably won't do that very often."

"Well, if you think of any, the offer
stands." He looked at the poster again. "Wow, I have good bone
structure."

* * *

"These are going to be quick appearances,"
Veronica explained. "Basically just hit-and-runs. You'll wave to
people from your limo, do a bunch of rapid-fire interviews, sign a
bunch of autographs...just get to know the public."

"I get a limo?"

"Yep."

"With a Blu-Ray player?"

"I think so. DVD at least."

"Sweet."

"Tomorrow night you're going to be the guest
of honor at Creeping Hemlock, a Goth club. You can dance,
right?"

"I can twitch and spasm."

"Good enough."

"Is it safe for me to be doing public
appearances like this? I hate to quit going back to the 'I got
shot' thing, but..."

"Believe me, there'll be plenty of security."
She smiled. "And anyway, you're impervious to bullets,
remember?"

"Hey, I was pervious to that last one! It may
not have killed me but it hurt like hell!"

"You'll be fine. You're the Amazing Mr.
Corpse!"

* * *

Stanley stood out in the desert, adoring the
feel of the hot sun against his face. He hadn't realized how
confined he'd felt inside the bunker until now. Climbing out of the
trap door, leaping into a limo, and driving a few blocks wasn't
making him any less stir crazy. Though a little breeze would've
been nice, he'd be satisfied with the fresh air.