The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (17 page)

Chapter 8. Find

Now that we have established the mental framework for fulfillment – the
Be
phase – we can get on with the practical aspects of
The Tao of Dating
: the
Do
phase.  A logical sequence for that is to find the man you’re interested in, meet him, attract him, and then perpetuate that relationship through time.  This sequence is true of a relationship of any duration, from fling to decades-long marriage.  Each of the five stages involves a particular skill set.  First is the finding.

              The good news is that there are over 6.4 billion people on this earth as of the writing of this book, and about half are male.  Eliminating all the men who are too old, too young, taken or not your type and assuming that only one tenth of one percent of all men are single and interesting to you leaves you with your pick from among a mere 3.2
million
men.  That means if you met 100 of them every day for the  rest of your life, there would be over a million left unmet the day you die.  It is estimated that in the U.S. alone, there are 50 million single men.  Think abundance – incredible abundance.  Eligible men are everywhere.

The other news is that most women do not meet a new man every day, let alone one hundred of them.  When you meet new men on a regular basis, your chances of finding one you like improve.  An old Persian proverb says
az to harekat, az khoda barekat
– “from you, action; from god, blessings.”  So take action.  And the first step of the action is mental preparation. 

So take a moment to look around at all the manufactured objects around you – stapler, computer, desk, building, monument. There is nothing in this world that did not start out as an idea in someone’s head before manifesting in the world as a tangible object. 

Now, what if that were also true of your ideal companion?  What if by taking a minute of your time to imagine him vividly, you doubled your chances of meeting him?  It sounds a little farfetched, but what do you have to lose?  What if it actually works?  What will you gain if it does?  What will you lose if it doesn't? 

If you’re a bit of a skeptic, that’s fine.  I am, too, so I'll understand if you wanted to skip the ‘Ideal Man’ exercise below.  But take a minute and do the exercise preceding it – the famous ‘Quarters’ exercise of Robert Anton Wilson, first published in his fascinating book
Prometheus Rising
(which remains to this day the most stimulating book I have ever read).  Done correctly, the quarters exercise will make you look at the world in a very different way. 

Exercise 11.  The Quarters Exercise. 

Visualize a quarter vividly – shape, size, shininess, texture – and imagine that you are going to find this quarter on the street, on the sidewalk, etc.  Then look for the quarter every time you go for a walk, continuing to visualize it vividly.  Notice how many quarters you find during the course of the week.

The first time I heard about this exercise, I laughed.  But I had nothing to lose, and it seemed like a fun exercise, so I thought, what the hell, let's try it.  And then something bizarre happened: quarters started popping up
everywhere
.  On the sidewalk.  Next to my car.  Under the desk.  For a week, I almost didn't have to worry about finding quarters for doing the laundry, because
the quarters found me
.  When you do this exercise (assuming that you get the same results as I and everyone else I know who’s done it), something very unusual happens:
you, too, start to find a lot more quarters
.  

Now the question becomes: is it because the quarters were there all along and now you’re paying more attention, or is it because the mind is forging new quarters out of sheer nothing?  And the follow-up question to that is: does it matter as long as you’re finding the quarters you want?  After having done the quarters exercise, you may wish to go back to the Ideal Man exercise if you skipped it, because who knows –  it just might work the same way.  Whether you create him out of sheer nothing or merely start to notice him when you hadn’t before, the result will be the same: his presence where there was absence.

You may have already experienced this if you've ever bought a new car.  Recently, I purchased a Toyota Prius.  Now, before my purchase, I had noticed some of them on the road, not thinking much of them.  But now that I was driving one myself, it seemed like the roads were teeming with them.  Every other car now seemed to be a Prius.  Did a slew of people just suddenly decide to buy Priuses at the exact time I did, or did I just start noticing what was already there right under my nose? 

Similarly, the man whom you will date or marry is out there already.  He's not going to emerge fully-formed out of the head of some mythological deity, age 30 and gainfully employed – he's been around for a long time.  In fact, you may even know him already. Your task is merely to do a better job of noticing him.

Exercise 12.  The Ideal Man. 

Describe your ideal man in detail.  What is he like? Go into as much detail as possible – the way he looks, sounds, feels, smells etc.  Go into even greater detail – the way he smiles, the books he reads, the way he talks – and make a vivid mental picture of him, with sight, sound, feeling and even smell.  

              Now close your eyes and visualize a picture of you and him together, holding hands and gazing into each others’ eyes, as if you are already lovers.  How do you feel about him?  How does he feel about you?  Summon the picture and the feeling, and express gratitude for his presence in your life.  Keep that picture in your head and fully expect to meet him the next time you go out.  Report back on your findings.

             
The goal of the preceding two exercises is to effect a mental shift in your mindset towards abundance and wealth-consciousness.  Let me use another example.  Let’s say you go to the supermarket because you need some fruit, and you have money in your pocket.  Which one of the following describes your mindset when you arrive at the fruit section?

• Case A: “Oh, look, here’s the fruit I was looking for.  It’s here for me and I can have as much as I need, and there’s no reason for me to pick anything but the ripest fruit in the best condition.”

• Case B: “Oh wow, look at all that beautiful fruit!  What an incredible accident!  Will I be able to have any?  Will they be willing to sell me some?  Maybe if I just settle for the unripe or damaged ones they’ll give me a little bit.”

              Chances are your attitude is closer to Case A than to B.  And yet, in the relationship marketplace, an overwhelming majority of people approach a social setting with attitude B in place, even though they are in an identical position.  Luckily, you can decide to stop this counterproductive thinking
right now
and adopt the abundance mentality.  

              The world is already your supermarket, and every time you go out, there are attractive men
specifically
there for you to meet.  It’s almost as if the world has special-ordered them, just for you.  You have inexhaustible money in your pocket in the form of your attractive qualities, and therefore you need not settle for anything but what's best for you.  Notice that this is not about haughtiness or arrogance.  Are you being arrogant when you pick the best fruit and leave the bruised and unripe ones behind, or merely being sensible?  Decide to
make this mental shift now
, and notice how dramatically more willing you are to meet men in social situations with this attitude in place.

The three-step process for finding quality men
              Now that you have done the mental preparation, it is time for some real-world technique.  There are three steps to the
find
process:

1. Figure out what kind of man you’d like to meet.

2. Go to where he is likely to be found.

3. Have a simple plan for opening and continuing an interaction with him.

Step 1: Figure out what you want.
  You went into this step a little when you did the Ideal Man exercise.  Figure out what you’re looking for. You’re not likely to find coffee beans in the dairy section of the supermarket, and you usually won’t find 40-year old physicians in the same place that 19-year old college guys hang out.  Knowing what you want makes it easier to spot it when you see it.  Being completely open to meeting any man as long as he’s attractive will paradoxically diminish your results.  You do better when you have specific selection criteria. 

Step 2: Go to the source.
 
Now that you’ve figured out the kind of man you’d like to meet, you need to figure out where to find him and to
go to the source
.  Again, the more specific you get, the more likely you are to find him.  

              For example, let’s say you want to find the kind of man who goes running across the Brooklyn Bridge at 5.30 am.  Now all you have to do is simply show up at the Brooklyn Bridge at 5.30 am for a week, and you’re likely to meet several men who fit that description.  If you want to meet a man who likes classical music, go to a chamber concert.  If you want to find an artist, go to a gallery opening. If you like tall Dutch men, go to Holland.  If you’re interested in someone who cooks, go to a cooking class or fancy supermarkets.  

              Even though this seems utterly obvious, I belabor this point because so many people neglect it. I often hear women complaining that they’re not meeting the right kind of man, only to find out that most of their opportunities for social interaction come from bars, nightclubs and the workplace.  These are nonspecific, unfiltered venues, and as such there is no compelling reason for the men there to be your type.  Get picky, get specific, and go to the source.

Nonspecific venues are, more often than not, a waste of your time when it comes to meeting quality people – and acknowledged as such by members of the opposite sex.  That means that even if you do meet the man of your dreams at a bar, he will likely think of you as “that bar babe,” with all the lovely attending connotations.

Step 3: Be prepared. 
The most important technique is to
be prepared
.  In a world where men are everywhere, you should be prepared to meet them everywhere.  Luck is the intersection of opportunity and preparation – “Fortune favors the well-prepared mind,” as Louis Pasteur famously remarked.  The best way to be prepared is to have a protocol for meeting a man in a given situation, such that you know what to do without hesitation.  I will give you two methods for doing that in Chapter 9, “Meet.” 

Below I have compiled a list of 12 different types of men that you may find attractive, and the likely venues for meeting them.  Some of it may seem obvious, and I repeat it because the obvious is what we are most likely to overlook.  As you go through this list, you may see opportunities for improving your own ‘find’ strategy and realize why you haven’t been meeting too many artistically-inclined men at the gym or rock-climbing men at church.  A big part of this strategy involves getting involved and developing your interests.
 

Bars, nightclubs and supermarkets don’t do well on the 3 Cs scale (which we're about to discuss), which means that optimally, you should not
plan
to spend time there.  However, if you find yourself already in a bar, club or supermarket, by all means use
the system.  You have nothing to lose, and practice makes perfect.

The three Cs of optimal venues

              The laws of physics say that the initial conditions of any event chiefly determine the course of that event. I have found this to be true of dating as well: the conditions in which you initially meet someone have a large bearing upon the subsequent course of that relationship.  As such, it's not only important to choose wisely
whom
you meet, but also
where
you meet him.
 
As such,  here are three cardinal characteristics that determine whether or not a venue is optimal for meeting men (and by extension, people in general):