The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (27 page)

3) Re-state your appreciation, and if you really would like to stay friends with him, give him the option to do so.  If not, don’t: “I’d value your friendship, so if you’d like to stay friends, I’d appreciate that.  If not, I understand, and all the best to you.” For extra bonus points, close with more praise: “I’m sure there’s a girl out there who’d be very lucky to find a guy like you.”

              The effect that an artfully gentle turn-down like this has on a man is that he gets to feel good about himself and harbor no hard feelings – and
you
get to look like a superstar.  Additionally, it’s easier for you to communicate this information because now it’s not as difficult a conversation as before. 

When you decide to move on, always give the man the courtesy of closure.

Some completely obvious guidelines for date etiquette

              We hold these truths to be so self-evident that clearly none of you need to be told about them.  The
really
obvious ones I'm not even going to elaborate on:  Be punctual.  Show up.  Return his communication in a timely manner.  Don't get sloppy drunk. 

The following are worth mentioning because even though they're still obvious, they're useful to keep in mind.  So for the sake of completeness, here they are:

Honor the interaction by turning your phone off.
  You've made plans to meet.  You have cleared your schedule to make the meeting possible.  So it only makes sense for both of you to honor the time and energy you have put into making the meeting happen.  This means that you will do your best to minimize distractions and focus your attention on him. 

              Unless you have young children, chances are there's nothing requiring your immediate attention while you're out on a date.  And if you do expect odd phone calls, do your best to minimize them beforehand.  Every time you pick up the phone during a date with a man, you are essentially saying that this other thing is more important than he is.  If that's what you intend to convey, no problem.  If not, keep the phone off.

              Here's a story that illustrates that.  Dan was on a first date with a lovely young lady named Brigitte.  It was a beautiful summer evening in Boston's Botanical Gardens, and they were getting along very well.  One moment, as they were holding hands, their eyes locked, and they drew closer together, face to face.  Right then Brigitte's phone rang.  For a moment, they both froze, as Dan said to himself, "Please please
please
don't answer it." That's when Brigitte reached into her handbag, whipped out the phone, looked at the caller ID and said, "It's my mom," and proceeded to talk to her for a few minutes.  Dan waited for Brigitte's conversation to conclude, said, "I have to go now," and left right then and there.  He never called Brigitte again.  As Dan put it, "There is no bigger buzzkill than going for that first kiss with a woman – and her mom calls and she picks it up."  Don't pull a Brigitte.

Stay focused on your companion.
  There will always be distractions in the environment where you meet with a man. Do your best to stay focused on your date in spite of those distractions.  Not only is a wandering attention inconsiderate, but it also disrupts the rhythm and flow of a date, especially if the date's going well.  A good rule of thumb is that something that keeps you from interacting with your date for more than 10 minutes is best avoided entirely.  Some examples of these distractions: shops; TV screens; other people, especially friends you bump into or other men you could appear to be flirting with; uncomfortable footwear; and visiting the ladies' room. 

Let him speak uninterrupted.
  When your date is speaking, let him speak.  Once he's done, he will stop and signal that it's your turn.  While he's talking, resist the temptation to chime in with your helpful comments, witticisms, or even empathy ("Oh my god, that happened to me last week, too").  If he's started a story, let him finish it, no matter how long-winded it seems – especially if
you
asked him to tell the story.  

Allow yourself to be led.
  I wrote this book specifically with career women in mind.  So you are probably used to directing things, managing things, fixing things and generally getting stuff done.  You have mastered some principles of masculine energy, and more power to you for that.  What I'm asking you to do is to tone down that masculine energy when you're on a date and allow your feminine energies to flourish some. 

              There are many good reasons for this.  First, as we touched on before, a man is most likely interested in you not because of how good a man facsimile you are but rather because you are a woman, the very source of feminine energy and the complement to his masculine energy. 

              Second, it allows you to assess accurately the man's suitability as a potential partner.  This is your chance to let go and allow someone to take care of you for a change, so embrace that opportunity. And it's his chance to showcase his ability to take care of you.  The more you allow him to take over and put on his show, the more useful data you are getting on him.  Does he open the car door for you?  Does he take your hand as you were crossing the street?  Does he offer to pay for dinner?  Does he offer his arm as you were walking in the park? 

              These may seem like small things, but they tend to be accurate indicators of a man's trustworthiness and leadership ability.  If he doesn't do these things, he may not be the right man for you.  And if you walk in front of him when crossing a street or offer to pay your share of dinner, you are denying yourself this very useful information.

              Now both you and I know that you're perfectly capable of crossing a street on your own and paying your own way.  That is not the point.  The point is that human courtship is a dance.  And as in ballroom dancing, it's the man's job to lead.  The point of dancing is not to get anywhere – it is to dance together.  And for the partnership to have a chance of success, you must allow yourself to be led.  If you feel that you could do a better job of leading the dance, you may be with the wrong partner.  It's also possible that you need to relax, let go of the reins, and just for a moment, surrender to the idea of letting him lead.  Just see where it takes you.  It could be a lot of fun.

Getting physical and the art of tantalizing

              Let's be frank: a big reason why you bother dating at all is to find someone you can get intimate with physically.  Touching, massage, cuddling, rolling around naked with someone and having sex are all great fun. 

              Now because of your privileged position as the woman, you are usually the gatekeeper and pacesetter when it comes to physical intimacy.  And it doesn't take much to get a guy physically intimate with you: a hair flip accompanied by a smile usually suffices. 

              As we described, most men are ready to capitalize on a sexual opportunity when it presents itself, so there's not a lot of art involved in getting a man to kiss you, or even to get him in bed.  All you have to do is ask.  The art is getting what
you
want,
with whom
you want, on
your
terms.               

              So first we need to figure out what you're on the market for: a roll in the hay, a fling, or a boyfriend.  Then adjust the method depending on your desired outcome. 

              The method is blissfully simple, and you know it already.  It's called
teasing
.  This means giving the man a little of what he wants, then withdrawing.  It's the physical manifestation of one overarching idea which could be the subtitle for this book:
always leave him wanting more
.  This is so important that I'm going to say it again: always leave him wanting more.  And I'm going to put it in a box like this:

Always leave him wanting more.

              I believe I've made myself clear here.  Of course, men are going to string me up by the privates for telling you this, but it's true: men secretly love to be teased (or tantalized, to use a word with a more positive connotation).  Yes, sometimes we get exasperated with it, but deep down inside, we wouldn't want it any other way.  Especially a smart, well-to-do Good Guy will welcome the challenge of dealing with a woman who has the self-control and savvy to be a master tantalizer. 

              Now I can just hear some of you saying, "No!  I refuse to play such silly games.  I'm not going to torment men, especially the ones I like."  Well, alright, fine.  However, as we discussed already, if you're dating, you're playing a game whether you like it or not.  There are rules – albeit fuzzy, unwritten ones – moving towards an outcome, so you're already involved in a game by definition.  I just want you to play it well so you enjoy the process and get something positive out of it.  And nobody's asking you to torture anyone.  We're just asking you to demonstrate a little bit of self-discipline. 

              As much as I wish I didn't have to recommend this course of action, it's just so much better than the alternative.  Tantalizing is the opposite of giving a man all you've got all at once on the first request.  That's just giving away the store and relinquishing all your power and leverage in the dating process.   It's the difference between burning up the fuel in your car's tank little by little, versus setting the whole thing on fire at once.  The former method is likely to get you more mileage.

              Again, moderation is key, since it's easy to overdo the tantalizing.  You withdraw the favor from the man just long enough to
whet
his appetite, not obliterate it.  Tantalizing is an implicit promise of future fulfillment, so if you delay the fulfillment too much or don't intend to deliver any at all, you may end up being resented as a Tease (bad thing) versus celebrated as a Tantalizer (good thing).  Once again, the middle path of the Tao is best.  Do it without overdoing it.

              There are scientific reasons why this works.  When you give a man a little bit of what he wants, you're creating a positive stimulus.  This gives him a little dose of feel-good neurotransmitters.  While he awaits the next stimulus, he's building
response potential
– basically, a damming-up of neurotransmitters waiting to release.  Anticipation creates response potential, but only up to a point, after which it decays back to normal (often causing resentment in the process).  So you don't want to delay too much, remembering that
gratification
, not delay, is still the key ingredient in delayed gratification.

              Now, when you deliver the next timely stimulus, he gets a
bigger
jolt of neurotransmitters than he did the first time.  So you're really doing him a favor by tantalizing him, since he gets to have
more
fun than he would have otherwise had.  Moreover, when you give too much positive stimulus too soon, you risk blunting his response (through a phenomenon called
habituation
), which we'll discuss more in the next chapter.  Do you feel better about the whole tantalizing thing now?

              When it comes to getting physical, the man will usually take the lead, so you tantalize by granting or denying permission to his advances.  Feel free to take the physical lead on occasion yourself.  The rule is simple: you may only take a step forward after you've taken one step back.  Depending on how fast you want things to progress, you can go two steps forward, one step back; three steps forward, one step back; four forward, three back – whatever suits your fancy.  Test it out for yourself and find out what works best for you.

              As a woman, I have no doubt that you're already a master at this.  But
just
in case this all sounds too abstract, here are some simple examples to clarify the whole step-forward, step-back protocol:

• Massage his arm, then his shoulders; then go back to the arm before getting to the neck. 

• Kiss him on the neck, then on the cheek, then go back to the neck before getting anywhere close to his lips.

• Touch him on the chest, then the belly, then go back to the chest before venturing any further south.

So you want a second date

              A frequent question I get from my female readers is "How do I get the second date?"  My answer: wrong question! You, the pursued party as decreed by nature, the embodiment of the divine feminine, the wellspring of infinite compassion, source of more devotion than he's ever received, should never have to worry about that.  And if you've been putting into practice what we've discussed so far,
he
will be the one begging to see you again.  Your job is to draw him out and evaluate whether he's a Good Guy – and a potential match for you.  You are the evaluator.  You are the picky buyer.  You are in the driver's seat.

              That said, I still want to make sure that you get the second date, so
leave him wanting more
(ah, that again).  Remember the legend of Scheherazade in the
1001 Arabian Nights
?  She would tell a story to the bloodthirsty King Shahryar each night and cut it off right at the cliffhanger, leaving the king in such a state of suspense that he had to grant her a day's reprieve from execution to hear the rest of the story the next day.  For you it's not your life on the line, but it is something fairly important: your fulfillment.  So play your hand well and be the cliffhanger. 

              Whenever I give you an idea, I also like to give concrete examples of how to use it, so here are some suggestions:

Leave open conversational loops.
Wow, I just thought of something incredibly important to tell you, but I'll have to share it with you later.