The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (30 page)

              The way to make sure that the dolphin’s response doesn’t decay over time is, paradoxically, to withhold the fish for a while.  Give it to the dolphin every third or fifth jump.  If you withdraw it entirely, the reinforced behavior will stop, so keep up the reinforcer; just give it
irregularly
.  Now a funny thing happens: the dolphin starts to jump
higher
in order to get its reward.  On some level, it has realized that just showing up isn’t enough; it has to work harder. 

              If you think you’re a lot smarter than a dolphin, let me ask you this: Has your interest in a man ever increased after he's said he's not interested?  Have you ever started calling a man even more
after
he stops returning your calls in a timely fashion?  The fact is, people
are
a lot smarter than dolphins, which is why this technique works even
better
for them. 

              To get you started, think of some behaviors involving reinforcement.  We are unconsciously using reinforcers all the time in our relationships: praise, enthusiasm, food, presents, backrubs, sex.  Anything that makes someone feel good is potentially a positive reinforcer.  Become aware of them.  Now think of all the ways that you use those reinforcers in a
habitual
manner, i.e. without thought or variation.  Take kissing, for example.  Do you kiss him every time you leave for work?  Do you kiss him every time you come back?  Do you kiss him in the same way, for the same duration?  If you do, your kiss no longer conveys any information – it has become meaningless.  Stop it already.

              For example, make the standard back-from-work kiss the exception rather than the rule.  Then change the way you do it.  Kissing is just one example.  You have probably fallen into habit in the way you go out with him, have sex, buy him presents, or sound happy on the phone.  These are all opportunities for introducing variability. 

              Maybe the last two paragraphs got you down a little bit.  You’re thinking, “Look, I have a good heart, and I just enjoy doing nice things for my baby."  That’s great!  As long as your enjoyment is the
main reason
you’re doing it (vs. force of habit or even worse, trying to please), you will be naturally unpredictable and will never be taken for granted.  This is an extension of the principle of enlightened self-interest.  And as long as you’re not doing the same thing over and over again, that’s a fine policy. 

For all the sweet women out there who really, really want to do nice things for their companions, here’s another technique that works.  This is called the
jackpot
.  A jackpot is a larger-than-usual reinforcer, usually given for no reason at all.  For the dolphin, it would be a big ol’ mackerel instead of the little minnow it was usually getting.  Human beings call it a
surprise
.  For it to work, the jackpot has to be a reinforcer (i.e. pleasant), bigger than average, and unexpected.  A full-body massage or tickets to the game work well; an offer to wax his chest or two tickets to your favorite ballet work less well. 

It’s worth repeating that the jackpot works because it’s
unexpected
.  Twice a year may be all you need for it to be maximally effective.  Human beings (especially men) catch on very, very quickly, and if you do a jackpot every month, he’ll come to
expect
his monthly surprise, in which case it’s no longer a surprise.  So take the middle path and do it without overdoing it.  For an in-depth understanding of behavioral techniques, I recommend Karen Pryor’s
Don’t Shoot the Dog
.  It's a fascinating read in its own right and tremendously insightful about human nature. 

The four horsemen: recognizing communication problems before they arise

              John Gottman, Professor of Psychology at Washington University, has been studying married couples for 25 years and has come up with a lot of interesting, highly accurate ways of evaluating the health of a relationship.  In fact, using a 3-minute video of a couple interacting with each other, he predicts the success or failure of a marriage with over 90% accuracy.  Although he studied married couples, his findings are instructive for long-term relationships in general.

              What he has found is that there are certain styles of interaction that tend to be harbingers of doom for a relationship.  The worst four amongst these he calls 'the four horsemen', since they tend to be, well, apocalyptic in their destructiveness.  They are
criticism, contempt, defensiveness
and
stonewalling
.  If you fall into these communication styles on occasion, that's okay – everybody does to some extent.  The problem arises not when they happen every once in a while, but when they become the principal mode of communication.  Let's discuss each one briefly:

Criticism.
  A criticism is different from a complaint.  Whereas a complaint addresses a specific incident ("You left the toilet seat up"), a criticism is more of a global comment on someone's character or personality ("You left the toilet seat up again, you inconsiderate lout"). 

Contempt
.
This is the worst of the four horsemen because it conveys disgust and the sense that you are better than the other person.  Sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, "yeah whatever" and mockery all fall within this category.  Quite possibly the most potent way to kill a nascent relationship.

Defensiveness
.
  Contrary to intuition, trying to prove yourself right when someone levels a criticism at you does not have the desired effect of making your partner back down. Gottman says this is because "defensiveness is a way to blame your partner," stating in effect that "I'm not the problem –
you
are." 

Defensiveness is a disease of the ego. Recall belief #1 about the self from earlier in the book:
Upholding my own importance is a waste of energy
.  Much better to adopt the Taoist policy of defenselessness.  As Lao Tzu states in Chapter 20 of the
Tao Te Ching
:

Give up overthinking, and end your troubles.

Is there a difference between yes and no?...
Must you value what others value,
Avoid what others avoid?  What nonsense!

Also, if you've taken
anatta
(no-self) to heart and applied Don Miguel Ruiz's Second Agreement – take nothing personally – then this issue dissolves entirely.

Stonewalling
.
  This is tuning out and avoiding confrontation altogether.  Men tend to use this tactic more than women, but it's important that you be aware of it nonetheless.  When you do this, you're devaluing the partner, conveying in essence that "what you are trying to communicate to me no longer matters," which in essence means that
he
no longer matters.  Better at the very least to stay engaged and attentive, even if you don't agree with what he's saying.

              So keep your eyes open for unannounced guest appearances of the four horsemen in your relationship, both in yourself and your partner.  And if you see criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling coming up
early
in a relationship, when both people are supposed to be putting their best foot forward, let that be a sign for you to consider reconsidering things.

Some principles for a successful relationship

              Entire books have been written on making relationships work, and amongst those, I can't recommend highly enough Gottman's
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
.  Everything that he says comes from years of observing real couples and following up with them, so his advice is as good as gold (and the exercises are potentially transformative). 

              I'm not going to give a summary of the entire book here, but I do want to highlight some salient points he makes about making relationships stronger.  His pointers aren't just common sense – they're
supercharged
common sense, because years of research have proven them to be pivotal.  So instead of glossing over this section thinking, "Well that kind of makes sense, I already knew that," think of ways you can actively implement each tip into your relationship.  This stuff is the opposite of trivial – it's the difference that makes the difference:

Enhance each other's love maps.
This means to engage yourself deeply with the thoughts, beliefs, preferences and feelings of your partner.  He's really into sports – do you know what his favorite teams are?  Do you know who his best friends are?  That he likes his vinaigrette on the side?  What his favorite Mexican dish is?  What his basic religious beliefs are?  What his deepest passions are?  The better you know and openly care about these things, the better your relationship will be.

Nurture your fondness and admiration.
  Every couple starts out with plenty of reasons to like one another.  Keep them alive!  It becomes the basis for a fundamentally positive view of your partner, which is a useful buffer against future challenges (which will always come).  Now I know this sounds totally obvious, but I wouldn't be emphasizing this if I didn't see couples who routinely take each other for granted and allow their relationship to deteriorate.  Think of nurturing the fondness and admiration as a potent antidote to the four horsemen mentioned above and the regular workout needed to keep your relationship in shape.  Regular compliments, showing interest, propping him up, talking him up to others – all of these little things go a long way.

Know the difference between your solvable and unsolvable problems.
  If you're a churchgoer and he's an atheist, that's not likely to change – it's an unsolvable problem.  Learn to engage in dialogue about it without hurting each other, since the issue ain't going away anytime soon.  On the other hand, if you like theater and he prefers baseball, that's a solvable problem.  You can alternate which one you watch, go separately with friends, or do something else that you both enjoy. 

             
If you're going to bring up some disgruntlement, it's essential to avoid
harsh startup
– i.e. beginning with an accusatory, blaming tone that devalues your partner.  It just starts things on exactly the wrong foot, sending it downhill fast.  I really like Gottman's guidelines to ensure your startup is soft:

• Complain but don't blame.

• Make statements that start with "I" instead of "You".

• Describe what's happening without judgment.

• Don't bottle things up.

• Be clear, polite and appreciative.

             
This section may have been brief, but please do not let its brevity belie the importance of the information contained.  It takes only six numbers to win millions in a lottery, so the
quality
of information is often more important than its quantity.  What I just gave you was decades of wisdom from someone who's studied thousands of couples, all condensed into a few short paragraphs.  Weigh, value and use it accordingly.

Take your own counsel, again

              In the end, there are as many ways of keeping a relationship going as there are relationships.  What’s important is to be aware of
why
you wish to keep a relationship going.  It is one thing to keep it going because it’s a source of growth and fulfillment for both of you; another to keep it going just for the sake of keeping it going.  If something adds to your growth and freedom, you should keep it in your life; if not, let it go.  It's a good rule to apply to relationships, and pretty much everything else.

Chapter 13. A New Beginning

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.

-- T.S. Eliot,
Four Quartets,
Part 4

When I was seven years old, I had my first crush.  Her name was Leila Clark and she was in my second grade class.  She was absolutely adorable, so I did nice little things for her whenever possible.  Silly little things, like sharing with her one of my home-baked cookies, or letting her cut in front of me in the lunch line.  I thought about her all the time and wanted to be her friend so badly and to play with her, but she always remained a bit aloof.  I figured maybe she wasn’t so into me. 

              But I was not about to be deterred, so I invited her to my birthday party.  Mind you, for a seven year old boy, his eighth birthday party is the very pinnacle of his earthly existence. I was dying for her to come.  So I asked, “Leila, wanna come to my birthday party?”  She turned around and said, “NO!”

And that was that.  It was the year that I got skipped from second grade to the third grade, so soon Leila was out of my class.  I never saw her again. 

That was over 25 years ago.  Now I don’t know exactly what would have happened if Leila had said yes on that fateful day.  Maybe I still would not have had my first kiss until age 19.  Maybe I would not have been scared of girls and utterly mystified by them for the first two decades of my life.  But I’ll tell you this: on that day, Leila had the power to crown me or crush my little heart.  And if she had said yes, maybe, just maybe a little more joy would have been added to the world’s storehouses.

I thought of Leila every once in a while – what did she look like now, where did she end up, what was she doing – and in idle moments, enlisted my good friend Google to see if anything turned up, which never did.  I mean, she’s probably married with 2.3 kids – who knows what her last name is now?