The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (26 page)

              For example, let's say you’re wondering whether you should send him a particular email. Send it to yourself first, read it a few hours later and see how it makes you feel.  Generally, if you run a particular scenario through your own neurology and it feels in any way needy, boring, or desperate, it probably is.  You’re better off doing something else or nothing at all. 

When you’re unsure of what course of action to take, do an internal check by running it through your own neurology.

              Incidentally, this is the basis of compassion: being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  It's a useful skill.

What drives men away

              For the past few years, I have been receiving stories about men and their dating experiences with women.  Drawing upon that database and some of my own experiences, here are some behaviors that are highly effective in alienating a man.  If you are interested in him in any way, even as just a friend, you want to avoid these behaviors at all cost. 

              There are at least three good reasons for avoiding these behaviors.  First, if this was someone that you were interested in dating, then he's probably a worthwhile person to keep in your life even if things don't work out romantically.  Also, you never know – somewhere down the road, you two may meet again under different circumstances, and you'll thank yourself for being on good terms with him. 

              That was the obvious reason.  The second reason comes up particularly if you took my advice from earlier in the book and only dated men who were networked-in – that is, someone who was connected to your pre-existing social circle in some way. 

              Consider this: in the marketing world, studies have shown that a satisfied customer will on average tell two other people about his positive experience, while a dissatisfied customer will tell nine.  Similarly, in the social marketplace, a man who's been treated poorly will tell his friends about it.  So whenever you treat a man poorly, there are potential negative repercussions across your social network.  The principle of enlightened self-interest then holds that, in the long term, you're better off treating everyone courteously.

              The third reason is subtler.  As we discussed earlier, psychologists have found that humans have an innate drive to avoid
cognitive dissonance
.  This means that they have a strong desire to keep their thoughts consistent with their actions.  So when we agree to do a small favor for someone, we back-justify and think, "Well, if I did that for him, it must mean I liked him."  Similarly, if we do something nasty to someone, we tend to back-justify and think, "If I did that to him, it must mean that
I don't
like him."  This can be a particularly pernicious feature of the human mind if you're not aware of it.  For example, you could be
really
interested in a guy, but completely lose interest in him after you accidentally stand him up, even though he hasn't done anything wrong. 

              So if you want to get rid of a man for good, these are some excellent tactics.  If you don't want to get rid of him, do yourself a favor and avoid these like avian flu.  Here they are:

Canceling at the last minute, or 'flaking'
. This is men's #1 pet peeve (according to a poll of 12,000 of my male readers).  If you set up a date with a man and cancel without giving him enough time for him to reschedule – or even worse, if you stand him up – you've wasted his time and his good will.  This is likely to jeopardize your chances with him, especially if he's a Good Guy.  If he's
not
bothered by it, chances are that he either has little respect for himself or for you.

              As Don Miguel Ruiz said in his
Four Agreements
, be impeccable with your word.  The fabric of society is built on trust, and every time you break a promise, you weaken that fabric and shoot yourself in the foot.  Extend to the men you date the same courtesy you would want them to extend to you.

How to recover from it:
Unexpected things happen on occasion, thwarting even the best intentions – boss calls you in, family emergency comes up, you have a really bad coffee spill on your dress.  So if you end up flaking on someone, take heart – recovery is fairly straightforward.  Issue a sincere apology in as personal a manner as possible.  A phone call is infinitely better than an email or text message.  Then, offer
sincerely
(that word again) to make it up to him.  Invite him to a show or a meal, or offer to cook dinner for him.  Humility here is key.  Then he can determine whether the make-up offer is sufficient.

The five emasculating behaviors.
Whenever I conduct workshops for men, I do a values elicitation exercise.  I ask a succession of questions to find out the thing that matters most to a man.  Without exception so far, the highest value for a man ends up being
freedom
.  Many spiritual teachers have commented on this, and one could say that complete freedom is the goal of the divine masculine.

              Therefore it follows that anything that curtails this freedom emasculates the man, threatening to take him away from the divine masculine.  Energy flows where attention goes, so when you give your attention to a certain aspect of a man, you are encouraging that part of him to grow, whether you like it or not.  Some examples:

1) Overly solicitous attention: When you give a man this kind of attention, you are encouraging the
boy
in him to grow, denying his mature masculine.  Unless that is your goal, reserve overwhelming solicitude for children under 12.  Mothering is smothering.

2) Jealous attention: Questioning a man about his associations questions his warrior spirit and his devotion to you.  Jealousy always has the effect of driving him away from you, which is the opposite of what's it's trying to accomplish.

3) Critical attention: Playfully teasing and challenging a man is great when done in moderation.  Cutting him down is not.      

4) Competing:  Competition is a very masculine activity, so when you choose to compete with your man, you are risking destruction of the masculine-feminine polarity between you if you're not careful.  Now it has to be restored somehow.  If he wins, you will feel put down; if you win, he will feel emasculated.  Both those outcomes are terrible, so the safe path is to avoid competing with him entirely.

5) Correcting: Leave that for after you've started dating seriously.  And even then, there are better and worse ways of doing it which are beyond the scope of this book (once again, I refer you to Gottman).  

What to do about it:
Emasculating behavior towards a man tends to be more of a habit than a one-time event.  And since habits are unconscious, we tend not to be aware of them consciously.  So the first step is to pay attention and notice if you're doing it.  Listen to others (especially friends and other men) who say you're doing it.  Then take steps to eliminate that behavior.

Neediness.
  Perhaps I should have mentioned this one first, because nothing will make a man run away faster.  Men love it when you want them; they can't
stand
it when you act needy.  It's the ultimate infringement on their freedom and they'll avoid it like the plague.  Calling him too often, wanting to see him all the time, clinging to him like Saran wrap, worrying that he doesn't like you and he'll leave – these are the kinds of behavior that
will
make him leave.  Fast.

What to do about it:
Remind yourself that you are the complete, self-sufficient, loving goddess that you are.  If you feel as if you're about to teeter into the needy zone, call a girlfriend or do something that changes your state, like taking a hike or going to yoga class.  Afterwards, the feeling will be gone, and you'll realize it wasn't really you. 

The five masculating gifts

              There’s a saving grace to the emasculating behaviors: if you do their opposite, a man will absolutely adore you.  He will want to spend more and more time around you, since you are the source of these great feelings he’s having.  Even if you don’t end up romantically involved with a man, doing these things will inspire a loyal friendship in him that’s likely to last for years. 

Don’t let the length of this section belie its importance: these gifts are
priceless!
  These are what a good woman does for a man.  They are manifestations of love in action.  These may also seem like the kind of things that you do once you’re already in a relationship with a man, as opposed to when you’re just dating.  But if dating is the preview to the relationship and what determines whether it happens or not, why put anything but your best foot forward?  There’s no sense in saving yourself for later – the time to love is always right now.

Here are five suggestions for being the kind of woman who helps a guy grow into greatness.

Give him his freedom.
  Freedom is a man’s most treasured possession.  The more of it you give him, the more he will respect you and, paradoxically, the more he will want to run back to you.  Even if you’re crazy about a guy, resist the temptation to spend every waking moment with him.  As one wise person said it, give him the gift of missing you.  He’ll just want to spend time with you that much more.

Give him your trust.
  The more you trust a man and allow him to take charge, the more he grows in the masculine.  And if you’re the agent of making him feel two feet taller than he normally does, he’ll just seek out your company that much more.

Give him your bond.
  Heard of the expression “behind every great man is a great woman”? This is your chance to be that woman.  When you consistently do as you say you will, a man will have deeper and deeper trust in you.  This will make him feel as if he has a partner who really has his back.  As a result, he will be bolder, bigger and stronger in everything that he does. 

Give him your praise.
  It may not seem so, but we guys are actually kind of fragile inside.  And it seems that a lot of scientists are convinced that everything we do is to impress women, from building large monuments to launching wars.  In fact, evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller makes a convincing case that we evolved such outsize brains mostly to enable skills that would impress mates. 

So give the poor fellow some acknowledgment to make him feel as if the all the paintings he painted, the buildings he built, the poetry he scribbled and wealth he accumulated has been worthwhile.  Praise him for the little things, for the attention he gives you, for his small victories.  You will allow him to grow into the kind of man who is capable of even bigger victories – and of creating more monuments to you. 

Give him your grace.
  Every boy slips every once in a while or does something naughty.  We know you’re smart, so we know that
you
know when we slip.  As long as the slipping is not a regular occurrence, this is your opportunity to open your heart and offer the man redemption.  A man will be eternally grateful for your giving him a second chance – and grow into a much bigger man as a result of your demonstration of faith.

The importance of closure

              Ever gone on a date that went reasonably well and have a guy not call you afterwards?  Or give your number to a man you found interesting, and not hear from him at all?  Or worse, gather all your courage to give him a call, then not hear back?  Sucks, doesn't it.  Well then you shouldn't be doing that to guys either, because they feel the same way.

              Just because of the way the numbers work, you're going to encounter a lot more men that you won't end up dating than those that you will.  This means that you'll be turning down a lot of guys.  I can't emphasize enough the importance to
do so graciously
.  You don't need to explain yourself, but you do owe it to the guy to communicate clearly that you're moving on.  Even a brief email or text message is infinitely better than blowing him off and not responding to him at all. 

              Men find women's lack of responsiveness psychologically distressing.  Because when you don't respond, you're effectively saying that he's not even worth a measly little message saying 'go away'.  It also puts them in a state of limbo, since they don't have any information to go on.  Is she not interested, playing hard to get or just busy?  About as fun as a poke in the eye.

              There's a reason to give a man closure that goes beyond etiquette and respect, and that's enlightened self-interest.  As we said before, if the man in question is networked-in, that means you'll have friends in common.  Rudeness to him could reverberate through your social circle, damage your sterling reputation and make it more difficult to get dates with other good men.  It also jeopardizes your potential friendship – why burn bridges?

              Another bit of enlightened self-interest: if your goal is to signal lack of interest, your withdrawal of communication initially
whets
his appetite instead of dulling it.  This is the opposite of what you're trying to accomplish, so just give the 'no thanks' to him straight.  It's the courteous
and
smart thing to do.

              That’s all well and good, you say, but what do I actually tell him?  What are the exact words?  Here’s a formula to follow:

1) Start with praise and appreciation.  “Hey Jim, you’re a great guy and I’m really glad we met.”

2) State very clearly what’s on your mind so there’s no doubt. Again, lead with the positive: “We seem to get along (or: ‘I enjoyed our time together’ if it’s after a date), but I don’t think we’re a great
romantic
match for each other.”