The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (23 page)

              Remember that attraction is created through
polarity
– when you are the yin to his yang.  Therefore one of the most powerful things you can do to attract a man intellectually is to
be receptive
.  In other words, draw him out and listen to him.  Because heaven knows men like to talk about their interests.

              At the same time, a little bit of feistiness can amplify that polarity.  Have an opinion!  Speak your mind!  Ask questions!  Intellect and talent in a woman are tremendously attractive – in fact, the most appealing aspect of a woman for most of the smart men I know.  So if you're brilliant and have something to say – shine, sister, shine.  Challenging a man and asking probing questions are two of the most potent ways of sparking the attraction between you two.  When you do this in a playful, non-malicious way, you will be head and shoulders above all the other women.  And the smart guys will love you for it.

              Well, it sounds like I just gave you two completely conflicting set of instructions.  It's all about balance.  Be wary of what can happen if you were to find yourself competing with a man intellectually, or talking over him, or challenging him.  Because that's when the polarity can get compromised.  And if you're completely passive, that's no fun either.  The Tao is all about following the middle path.  Balance is of the essence.

              If sometimes you feel the need to assert yourself to the point that you're trying hard to prove your point with a man, consider this.  It all comes down to what you would rather be: cherished or right.  If you spar with the man, you may end up being right – and alone.  If you'd rather be cherished, then draw him out and listen to him like your life depended on it.

              Remember that sometimes it’s okay for the two of you to have different opinions.  This is what my therapist friend Michelle calls
the art of allowing
.  You are allowing the man’s opinion to be different from yours.  When you
allow
the man to be as he is, you are making a conscious choice and therefore empowering yourself.  In turn, you should seek someone who allows you to be as
you
are.

              Before we go into the art of listening, a note for the exceptionally smart women out there: never, ever compromise or hide your intelligence for fear of turning off a man who can't handle it.  You need to be you, and the world needs to see you shine.  So you need to find a man who can appreciate your blazing intellect without being intimidated by it.  Although they may be a little tougher to find, there are plenty of brilliant men out there who are looking for someone just like you.  Have the patience to find one of them.

The wisdom of paradox

If some of what we have discussed so far seems a bit counterintuitive, that’s okay.  The wisdom of the Tao is often paradoxical.  Just remember to keep an open mind and try everything out to see how well it works for you – without
a priori
judgment as to how things
should
work.  Think of it as one big experiment, without any attachment to results.

When a superior woman hears of the Tao,
She immediately starts to practice it.
When an average woman hears of the Tao,
She is of two minds about it.
When a foolish woman hears of the Tao,
She laughs at it loudly.
If she didn't laugh, it wouldn't be the Tao.
Thus it is said:
The way into the light seems dark,
The way forward seems to go back,
The easy way seems hard,
True virtue seems unreal,
True purity seems sullied,

True abundance seems insufficient,
True steadfastness seems fickle,
True clarity seems obscure,
The greatest music has the faintest notes,
The greatest capacities develop latest,
The greatest form has no shape.
The Tao is hidden and nameless..
Yet the Tao alone nourishes and fufills all things.

– Lao Tzu,
Tao Te Ching,
Ch. 41

              For example, the counterintuitive wisdom in what we just discussed is that a mildly contrarian stance – being feisty – can stoke the fires of attraction faster than a blandly acquiescent stance.  The scientific explanation behind it is that mild antagonism causes the secretion of adrenaline, which mediates arousal and rapid attraction (Fisher, 2004).  I don’t necessarily advocate starting a fistfight when you first meet a man (if you do, do me a favor and report back on its effectiveness), but it’s a safe bet that a little feistiness will draw him to you more than just being nice.

The Art of Listening and the Magic Question

              One of the most powerful actions you can take to spark the attraction between you and a man and distinguish yourself from other women is to listen –
really
listen.  Nowadays it seems that hardly anyone can finish a sentence before getting interrupted by friends chiming in with their own thoughts.  Not you!  You know how to stay completely silent and
just listen
as the man (or anyone else, for that matter) says everything he has to say.  Resist the temptation to say "Oh my god, that same thing totally happened to me!"  Resist the temptation to insert a witty comment, no matter how appropriate it seems.  People are so rarely listened to that if you just do that, the man will think the world of you. 

              There's an old saying that goes, "Bad conversationalists talk about themselves.  Good conversationalists let you talk.  Great conversationalists talk about
you
." Turns out the best way to be interesting is to be
interested
, and just let the guy talk.  Thus, the hidden benefit of listening is that he'll think you're
really
interesting. 

              Of course, this listening thing may not come naturally.  But neither does championship horseback riding or playing the violin.  Dating is like any other skill, and to get good at it, you practice.  Learning how to listen well is a skill that will hold you in good stead for the rest of your life, so it's well worth honing. 

Exercise 18.  Listen.

This is also called the
dyad
exercise.  You need a partner to do this one.  The exercise is best done in person.  Tell your partner that you are going to do an exercise in listening.  Now ask your partner "What are you interested in?," and listen to the response.  Look your partner directly in the eye and do not say anything until your partner completely stops talking and signals that it's your turn to speak.  Then say "Thank

you," and switch roles. Do this for at least three rounds.  Notice the urges that come up – to interrupt, to chime in with a thought, to offer a word or a sigh of support – and how it feels to just let them go.  After the end of the exercise, ask each other how it felt to be truly listened to.

              That's a tremendously useful exercise, and I really encourage you to try it at least once.  When you do, you'll realize how rare it is for us to let someone else complete a thought and be completely heard out, and how often our own little ideas pop up and want to interrupt. 

              If you learn to listen well, I promise you will be head and shoulders above every other woman out there – provided that you incorporate the following additional technique into it.  Remember how we said that the great conversationalists talk about
you
?  Well, you want to make this conversation about him.  The way you do this is with a simple yet infinitely powerful question that you will ask again and again.  I will call it the Magic Question:

"What's important to you about that?"

              If you detect this to be a fancy way of saying
why
, you are correct – that's exactly what it is.  However,
why
sounds a bit confrontational and judgmental – "Well, why'd you do that?  Why didn't you do something else?" 
What's important to you
sounds a lot softer and is much more likely to get useful information.

              The key to doing this process enjoyably and effectively is to ask only questions you’re genuinely interested in.  This is not a job interview.  It’s the discovery of another soul – one who could become your lifetime partner!  So cultivate a boundless curiosity for people.

              Now each time you ask a person the Magic Question, you will get closer to what really matters to him.  You are getting closer to his core values – what really motivates him and makes his life meaningful.  This has a twofold benefit: he's feeling heard and understood like never before, and therefore will be attracted to you
and
you're getting invaluable information about what he's really made of deep down inside.  

              When you listen while using the Magic Question, you're employing both your yin and yang energies to create attraction.  Your yang energy activates by your engaging with him with questions, which is a form of leading.  Your yin powers activate when you listen receptively. 

              Notice that there is nothing passive about what you are doing here.  Taoism has often been accused of passivity, of a go-with-the-flow kind of attitude.  This picture is true but incomplete.  You are
choosing
to do all these things deliberately, which is the opposite of passivity.  And if you think the whole idea of taking on yin energy means more passivity – think again.  That listening exercise, when you're supposed to not say anything at all when the other person speaks, may very well be the toughest one in the book.  And if yin energy were about passivity and just sitting there, why would we need exercises to practice them? 

              Yin and yang energy are two aspects of the same energy, like positive and negative charge, or a mountain and its shadow.  One is not superior to the other, like one side of the coin is not better than the other.  The two energies complement one another to create universal harmony.  Flowing with the right energy at the right time gets you where you want to go.  Chapter 2 of the
Tao Te Ching
says:

Being and non-being grow out of each other.
Difficult and easy complete each other.
Long and short determine each other.
High and low rest on each other.
Front and back follow each other.

Use the Magic Question early and often:
What's important to you about that?

Attract with the heart, or how to be irresistible

              We talked about how to attract a man with your head: listen to him.  We talked about how to attract a man with your body: radiate sensual energy.  How do you attract with the heart?

              A cross-cultural study I recall from some time ago concluded that kindness was the quality people valued most in a mate.  There's no argument with that – compassion is indeed attractive.  However, I think of the light of compassion as a diffuse one, like that of a lamp.  As such, it may not be as effective at
attracting
a given guy.  Have you ever heard a guy say, "Damn, that girl is so
compassionate
– I just can't stop thinking about her"?  Well, me neither.  However, your heart is the most powerful attractant you possess.  And the way you turn that lamp of compassion into the laser of attraction is by practicing
devotion
.     

              Devotion is a potent force, and it is yours the moment you choose to embrace it.  And as soon as you do, you become the Goddess.  Because to express devotion completely, you must embody kindness, grace, sensuality, and all the other aspects of the divine feminine. 

              To express devotion, you need to set aside certain notions you may harbor from the past.  The idea of
quid pro quo
does not work here – you must offer the devotion first (to a worthy recipient, we sincerely hope).  You must quash any notion of 'what has he done for me lately.'  You must set aside the ego completely, and allow yourself to become an instrument of divine love.  Any energy spent holding up your own importance will nullify the practice.  Devotion does not bicker; devotion does not demand; devotion does not possess.  It is a flood of infinite giving and acceptance.  It is like seed for the bird, the ocean for the fish: abundance, sustenance, the very gift of life.

              If you are able to offer all of that and convey it through your face, body and voice, there is no man alive who can resist it.  This is a great power which you possess, and with power comes responsibility.  So you will wield this power only to the right kind of man, the worthy recipient, using your best judgment to find him. 

              In the meantime, you do have to
practice
conveying devotion so you get better at it.  How else will you be prepared for Mr. Right when he arrives?  Exactly.  Ideally, you'd like to be able to get feedback from a male friend – preferably one who has no romantic interest in you whatsoever, since this is a powerful exercise (a gay friend would be ideal).  Five minutes of honest feedback from a man can forever transform the way you present yourself.