The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (19 page)

11) Long-distance transportation.
  You're stuck on the plane, bus or train anyway, so you might as well make the most of the situation and meet someone interesting.  Sit next to him at the gate; that way, after you've already struck up a conversation at the airport, it's only natural for you guys to continue once you're on the plane and rearrange seats if necessary.  Phrase your request to sit with him as if he's the one doing
you
a favor – he would be saving you from the potentially smelly and boring person that would otherwise be sitting next to you.  Most men will jump at the opportunity to be chivalrous and have good company at the same time.

12) Retreats.
Yoga or any other kind of retreats are amazing places to bond with like-minded individuals.  Friendships are forged here with both men and women that last a lifetime.

13) Performing arts venues.
  Cultured, educated, affluent men will be found at the theater, the ballet and the symphony.  If you’re interested in performing arts anyway, go to the event.  Then find out about their pre-event lectures, wine tastings and such, or strike up a conversation during intermission. 

Some not-so-great places to meet men

              Although
The Tao of Dating
is mostly about what to
do
as opposed to what
not
to do, I feel it's necessary to cover why certain venues are particularly unsuitable for meeting quality men.  Although some meaningful, long-lasting relationships may have very well started in the places I'm about to mention, those are the exceptions that prove the rule.  Generally speaking, if you're seeking a fulfilling, long-term relationship, you're better off spending your time at one of the goldmine venues listed above.

Bars and nightclubs.
  Aside from the fact that they score poorly on the 3 Cs scale, the main thing that will sabotage the potential for meeting a quality man at these venues is that
you
will be different.  You will be affected by the loud noise, perceived competition in the form of other women, alcohol, and irritating crowds in a way that makes it more difficult for you to present your best side – or to perceive his.  Moreover, even if you meet Mr. Perfect at such a venue, afterwards you may not be able to take him seriously because of the circumstances under which you two met.

Anything advertised as a singles event
.
  For some reason, these events attract the wrong kind of people on a consistent basis: the desperate, the needy, the clueless, and the just plain bizarre.  If that's your dish, by all means go.  If not, you're often better off staying at home.

Matchmaking services.
  Some people really like these ‘introduction services’, and they’re generally free (or nearly so) for women to join, and cost a lot of money for men to join.  And that’s the problem: the asymmetric involvement of money taints the whole process.  Add to that the whiff of gold-digging around the whole enterprise, and you have a setup that does not necessarily have your long-term fulfillment in mind. 

              On the other hand, if you have friends who know you well and
do
have your best interest in mind and simply enjoy connecting interesting people together, by all means be open to their suggestions.  That’s how some of the best introductions happen.

Long-distance relationships: a brief, biased rant

              Let's say you meet a fantastic guy on a vacation trip.  You spend several days together, and generally have a wonderful time.  In fact, you get along so well that you decide to continue seeing each other after the trip.  There's only one issue: he lives in Austin; you live in Los Angeles.  Should you continue seeing him or not? 

              Here's my stance on long-distance relationships: more often than not, they are a setup for disappointment and heartbreak.  A long-distance relationship
could
work out – 'working out' meaning that it brings both partners tons of fulfillment over the long-term and maybe ends up in something like marriage.  However, it's not
likely
that it will work out.  Now my job is to help you find long-term fulfillment – not quick fixes, not the entertainment of your whim, or any kind of longshot that's over 90% likely to bring you more pain than joy.  And the rare long-distance relationship that does work out is the exception that proves the rule.

              Here's why.  Let's go back to the idea of fulfillment-centered dating. 
Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person
. And there are many, many persons who could provide that feeling of fulfillment – just as there are several different kinds of food that could fill you without all of them having to be Cherry Garcia ice cream. 

              Fulfillment is having someone to catch a movie with on a Friday night, someone to dress up with to the opera and snuggle with afterwards, someone to share brunch with on a Sunday morning.  For the most part, someone who lives more than 200 miles away from you cannot provide you with those fulfillment feelings, simply due to geographical constraints. 

              Before we go any further, let me define what I mean by a long-distance relationship.  You are in a long-distance relationship if the physical distance or scheduling challenges between you and your partner
preclude spontaneity
and you can see each other less than once a week.  90 miles of distance between you will do that, as well as exceptionally busy schedules.  In fact, you may already be in a long-distance relationship with someone in your own city and not know it.

              Now let's explore what would happen if, say, you started to date seriously (whatever that means to you) a man who lives more than 200 miles away.  First, chances are you would see each other relatively infrequently – two or three times a month.  This means that every time you do see each other, it's just like Christmas!  You are thrilled to see one another, and it's a highlight reel of fun times. 

              As great as this sounds, it does not allow for the natural, everyday dynamic between you to develop – the way you would interact if, say, you were married and saw each other on a daily basis.  So even though you're having a lot of fun, you effectively know nothing about one another in a domestic arrangement where you see each other regularly.

              Second, no man is an island – they all come with their buddies and cronies, as do you.  To assess accurately whether you and a given man get along, you need to see him in his natural habitat (and vice versa).  In the perpetual first date that is most long-distance relationships, you'll never find out that his friends annoy you to no end and frankly smell funny.  Or that his mother hates you.  These are useful things to know
before
getting deeply involved with anyone.

              Third, an unconscious undercurrent of resentment will develop regardless of how well you get along because of the sheer effort involved in seeing each other.  Why couldn't he be closer?  If he loves me so much, why can't he just move here?  If
you
don't ask that question yourself, your friends will, and they will also resent the fact that he's the cause of your being away for long stretches of time.  Moreover,
he
will probably be having similar thoughts. 

              That said, there are circumstances under which a long-distance relationship could work out.  In my observation, two criteria need to be fulfilled.  First, there needs to be a definite deadline by which you have both agreed to live in the same town.  Second, you both know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be together for the long term when you do make the move.  In other words, you're already engaged or close to it. 

              If you're in doubt and still wondering what course of action to take, err on the side of caution.  A man who loves you enough
will
offer to move to your city.  And if you truly love him, you will ask him to get his own apartment, since that gives the relationship the best chance of success.

              Let's examine two case studies, one in which a long-distance relationship worked and another in which it did not.  Perhaps you can spot elements in each story that contributed to the success or demise of the relationship.

Case 1: Hillary and Tom.

              Hillary and Tom met through Howard, a mutual friend.  Tom was Howard's best friend in college, and Hillary had worked with Howard for several months.  Howard knew both of them well and thought they would make a good match, both being highly educated, intelligent, level-headed individuals on successful career tracks.  Although both Tom and Hillary had many interests and were lots of fun to be around, neither was the partying type.  Both came from stable family backgrounds where the parents were married for over 30 years.  Tom was 27 and Hillary was 25 when they met. 

              On their first dates, Tom and Hillary hit it off.  At the time, they both lived in Boston.  After a year of dating, they were engaged to marry.  However, Tom was to leave for the Bay Area in a few months.  They decided to stay together even though Tom was moving to the opposite coast, 2600 miles away.  Hillary knew she would be done with graduate school in a year and a half, at which point she would get a job in the Bay Area. 

              Tom and Hillary actually got married before Tom's departure.  And I'm thrilled to say that ten years hence, they are still happily married and just had their first child.

Case 2: Kristina and Jeff.

              Kristina was a beautiful 37-year old Hungarian émigré who had lived in Los Angeles for 4 years.  She moved to Los Angeles after her divorce and decided to start over.  Being independent, driven and adventurous, she decided to start her dream business, and after two years of challenges, the business was starting to grow.             

              At this time, encouraged by a friend, she decided to attend an expensive 5-day motivational seminar in San Francisco to get her life on track and accelerate her success.  At the seminar, she met Jeff, a dashing, independently wealthy American who lived in San Francisco.  The seminar was emotionally and physically intense, and they spent almost all their time there together. 

              After the seminar, they continued seeing each other, sometimes Jeff coming down to LA, other times Kristina flying up to San Francisco.  Every time, Jeff would suggest that Kristina leave LA behind and move to San Francisco to live with him.  Kristina was wary of abandoning her business, but he told her not to worry – he had plenty of money and was happy to provide for both of them until she found her footing.  It seemed like an ideal arrangement.  After a few months, Kristina, with some reservations but feeling adventurous and optimistic, gave in to Jeff's blandishments and moved to San Francisco. 

              It took about two weeks of living together to make both Kristina and Jeff realize that this arrangement was not going to work.  They had never lived together in close quarters, and under the pressure of constant daily contact, the magic in their relationship faded.  Towards the end, Kristina felt as if she did not know Jeff very well at all.  Additionally, independent Kristina did not enjoy being unemployed, dependent and effectively at the mercy of someone else financially.  She moved back to Los Angeles, emotionally exhausted and a little disappointed in herself, but glad that she had extricated herself from a bad situation.  She only wished that she had not gotten in that situation in the first place.

              These are two real examples of what can happen in a long-distance relationship, and perhaps two extremes of the spectrum.  All the same, you can recognize the indicators of potential success and failure of a given long-distance relationship from the way the players and stage are set.  Generally speaking, a high-risk scenario is fun in the short term and painful in the long term.  A low-risk scenario may be less fun in the short term but a better setup for long-term fulfillment. 

Internet dating: perils and opportunities

              There are multitudes of books on internet dating on sale today.  This is not one of them.  However, I would be remiss not to give the internet a mention, since it's such a powerful tool for dating.

              As a woman, online dating provides you with a lot of opportunities since you will usually be in the position of the chooser.  If men do most of the pursuing in real life, it's even more so online.  Also, many men who are too busy (or shy) to go out will have an online presence, expanding the dating pool for you.  In turn, by having an online presence, you are allowing access to that discriminating man who can appreciate the rare bird that you are. 

              On the other hand, when you get a lot of responses online, you also have to sift through a lot of duds – and that's a lot of work.  Moreover, when you meet a man off the internet, it usually means that he's not networked in – he's a total stranger.  This increases the likelihood that one (or both) parties will engage in socially dubious behavior since accountability is low.  If you're venturing into the world of online dating, expect surprises. 

              The main peril of online dating has to do with its high potential for disappointment, since it upends the natural order of the mating process.  Nature has built in our brains highly accurate, discriminating systems for detecting suitable companions.  Upon meeting a man in person, you are immediately sizing up his height, weight, shoulder-to-waist ratio, complexion, general symmetry, strength, smell, tone of voice, and thousands of other parameters you're not even aware of at the conscious level.  These systems have worked for thousands of years to help you make a good decision regarding his suitability as a mate.