The Tao of Hockey (Vancouver Vice #1) (15 page)

I
was sitting dazed
in my suite when I got a text from Coach Panner that he wanted me to come to the rink and see him in the afternoon. So much had happened in the past 24 hours that I had almost forgotten about hockey. Usually hockey was all I could think about.

I showered on automatic. My chest felt tender where the airbag had expanded against it. I stretched my neck and that was a little sore too. I had a few cuts and scrapes, but that was nothing compared to Josie. That familiar sense of guilt was washing over me like the water pouring down. Why was I always the one who walked away? Why was I the golden boy? And if I was lucky, why did luck feel so shitty?

After I ate lunch, I forced myself to write a list of things to do. I needed to pick up a rental car. Cst. Vinci had said that the damage to my truck was repairable, and I needed to file a claim and get the truck to an auto body shop. Now that I was staying in Vancouver, I’d need to find a new place to live, although Joe seemed pretty happy to have an excuse not to start another set of renovations. A few guys had mentioned finding a place together, but nobody had wanted to jinx things by assuming he would make it. Of course, my ultimate fantasy would be moving in with Josie.

Josie. Seeing her lying in the hospital bed had been a huge shock. She had never looked so helpless. Josie used her clothes, her attitude, and her words to keep people away—even me. All I wanted was to penetrate that armour, but not like this. Now I saw that she was part of a complicated family, who were all as assertive as she was. Even though her brother and sister had been called in the middle of the night, they hadn’t bothered coming until the morning. Did anyone actually care about her in the normal loving way? And where were her mom and dad? My dad might be full of criticism and expectation, but when I was in the accident, he was right there for me. The more I knew about Josie, the less I knew who she was. We knew each other so intimately, but we hardly knew the normal stuff because Josie had forbidden those conversations.

None of this made me feel any less for Josie. It only made me care about her more since she seemed to be so alone. But at the same time, I was struck by the short timeline between realizing I was in love with Josie and something bad happening to her. It was like my love was some kind of curse.

I hustled out to get a rental car and then headed up to the arena. Panner’s office was hidden away down in a cement bunker between the arena and the small gym.

His door was shut, and I knocked on it.

“Yeah?”

I poked my head in. “Hey, Coach. You wanted to see me?”

“Yeah, Fairburn. Come in.”

I sat down across the desk from him. He had an unfamiliar expression on his face and I tried to place it. He looked—happy. He usually looked completely pissed off. I smiled at him.

“I hear you’ve been a busy boy,” he said.

“I have?” What was he talking about? Sure, I’d been in the accident, but there was no way he could know about that already.

“Yeah. So, tell me about your relationship with Josephine MacMillan.”

“Who?”

He scowled at me. “Guys like you make me sick to my stomach.”

Then he started clicking his computer mouse. He turned the screen to face me. It was a screenshot from the local newspaper. I scanned stories about declining fish stocks and a pending garbage strike.

“On the side.” Panner pointed his finger.

Car accident injures two

Josephine MacMillan, daughter of prominent Vancouver lawyer Grant MacMillan, has been hospitalized with serious injuries following a late night car crash in Point Grey. Ms. MacMillan was in a vehicle driven by Eric Fairburn, who plays for the Vancouver Vice, an AHL team better known for its exploits off the ice. The team was involved in a bar fight last year which resulted in $900,000 in damages to The Backdoor Pub. There were also sexual assault charges filed against three members of the team, but later dropped.

The driver of the other vehicle has not been identified, and is also in hospital. According to a police source, charges will be laid in the incident.

Josephine MacMillan. I was in love with her, and I didn’t even know her real name. C’mon, Josie, it was one thing to skip the conventional stuff, but not even to tell me who you really are? I rubbed my temples. It was like my brain was being assaulted by too many things at once.

I looked up at Panner. He was definitely smiling now. His spirit animal would have been the fox—the trickster, full of cunning and deceit. I braced myself for what was going to happen next.

“You okay, Fairburn? You look fine. Looking at you, I wouldn’t have guessed what an eventful night you’ve had.”

“I’m okay.”

“You’re not from around here, are you?”

“No. I’m from Nelson.”

“So, you probably don’t know that Grant MacMillan is head of the biggest law firm in the city: MacMillan, Brunswick, Carr.”

I shook my head. Now Josie’s expensive condo was making sense.

“Yeah, your little puck fuck’s dad advises the mayor, among other important people. He’s buddies with the Richardsons too.” They were the team’s owners.

“Excuse me, Coach. Josie is my girlfriend. She’s not some girl I picked up.”

“Don’t give me that horseshit. You don’t even know her name. You fuck girls and forget all about them. You’re a dog without a sense of morals. I know guys like you.” Panner’s face was filled with loathing as he looked at me.

“Guys like me? What does that mean?”

“Guys like you make me sick. You’re a first round draft pick. You’ve got all the tools. You’ve got the leadership and the ‘media-friendly’ looks. But all you do is piss it away. Do you know how many guys bust their asses to get even one of the opportunities you’ve been handed?”

He rose from his seat and leaned towards me with his hands planted on the edge of the desk. “When I made it to the show, I didn’t unpack for three months. I kept thinking that I was going to get sent down. I took it one day at a time and I worked. I worked like someone who knows exactly how many guys would cut off their right ball to be in my shoes. One hundred and forty-eight games in the NHL, and I never took one of them for granted.”

I watched him, wordless. I knew he disliked me, but I thought it was something we could work through.

“I didn’t even want to sign you. I told Ian you were going to screw up. I can see how good you are, but I also know your track record. As soon as there’s any kind of pressure, you crack.” He pointed to his forehead. “You don’t have the mental toughness to make it. I was sure you went out and got plastered during camp, but I had no proof. But even I couldn’t have guessed that you’d fuck up before the season started.”

“Coach, get serious. This accident was not my fault.” I didn’t know the exact circumstances yet, but I hadn’t been drinking or speeding or disobeying any road rules.

“Not like the last time? See, the team dodged a bullet. If that lazy reporter had bothered to Google your name, this story would have been a whole lot juicier.
Eric Fairburn, drunk driver who already ended the career of an NHL prospect, has injured the daughter of a prominent Vancouver lawyer.
Must be those great reflexes. Do you steer the car at the last moment to ensure that the passenger side takes the full impact? Then you can walk away.”

I felt the red heat of anger rising up, and I took calming breaths. Control that anger. Channel that anger.

“I’m not in that space now. I don’t drink and drive anymore.”

“I can see right through you and all this new age shaman shit that you spout. You’re a fuck-up, and I don’t want you on this team. You’re out.”

“How can you do that? I told you, it was an accident. I’m not at fault.”

“I had that morals clause built into your contract, because I knew. Your car crash has triggered it. Anything that brings notoriety to the team, and a story in the local media like this is enough.”

“All the notoriety in this story is due to things that happened before I even got here.” Under your morals watch, I thought, but I didn’t say that. He was blinded by his own prejudices. Anyone who took a different route from him wasn’t good enough for his team. He was small-minded in ways I’d never be able to reach.

“You can bet that her daddy is going to sue your ass. This is a guy who sued his own brother. We need to get clear of that fallout. Leave your passcard here and clear out your locker. Since your contract doesn’t go into effect until the first day of the season, we owe you nothing.” He sat down and reached for the phone. “Send up someone from security. I need him to escort Eric Fairburn to his locker and then out of the building.”

I
was loading
my gear into the back of the rental car when I saw Rams walking towards the rink. I nodded at him, but he ducked his head. I had a sudden flash of intuition.

“Hey,” I called out and ran after him.

He turned slowly. “S’up, Burner?”

“I just got cut from the team.”

He looked down and then raised his eyes to meet mine. “Really? That’s too bad.”

“You don’t sound surprised.”

He smiled slightly. “Well, I knew about your car crash. You okay?”

“Oh, I’m fine. Are you the one who told Panner?”

He shrugged. “I’m the captain, it’s part of my job to keep the coach informed of what’s going on with the team.”

I thought back to what Josie had said about Rams, and how right she had been. “That’s fucked. The captain’s job is also to lead the team. Tell me—since I’m leaving anyway—why did you want me to get cut? I could have helped us win.”

He shook his head. “It’s nothing personal. You’re good and you’ll get on somewhere else, I’m sure. Just not here. This is my house.” Then he walked away.

I watched him go through the doors and disappear. The guy was ten kinds of an asshole, but I couldn’t blame him for anything that had happened.

Rams wanted to be the best player on the team. He wanted to make the NHL as much as I did, and having me showing him up was not going to help that. Getting a break meant making your own breaks—no matter what the human cost. That was what happened when you wanted something this badly.

Fuck this. My mind was ready to explode with all the crap getting thrown at me. I drove back to my suite and threw my hockey gear into the corner. Now what? Go home? Go to Switzerland? All I wanted to do was see Josie and hold her. But at the same time, I was angry at her. How could she not even tell me her real name?

I remembered all the time I had spent searching for her online. No wonder nothing had come up. I was searching for a ghost. Josie Ray must be her acting name. I punched Josephine MacMillan into Google search.

Bingo. A Facebook page, set on private but I could still see her photo. She looked a lot younger, with long hair and a shy smile. Very different from the confident woman of today. Another page where she won some science competition in high school. I knew Josie was smart, but she had mentioned she didn’t have a university degree, and now I wondered why not. I looked further and only found random mentions like track events and school awards. There were a few people with the same name muddling the search.

Then something jumped out at me. An obituary
. Sara Ashrita Ray MacMillan. Mother to Richard, Cynthia (James), and Josephine. Grandmother to Zachary. Former wife of Grant MacMillan. Died in her 48
^th
year of life. In lieu of flowers, donations may be
made to the Canadian Cancer Society.

I could hear Josie’s voice, “People love me, and then they leave.”

There was a click in my brain as all the pieces came together. Her father loved her and left. Her mother loved her and died. And maybe a lousy boyfriend—who never even bothered to discover the secrets of Josie’s incredible body.

Was this why she kept everyone at a distance? A family as dysfunctional as hers could screw anyone up. My anger burnt away, and all I could feel was sympathy.

I had tons of questions, and there was only one person who could answer them.

I
drove to the hospital
. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to say, but it was time we stopped playing games.

Luckily, Richard hadn’t posted any security guards at her door, so I walked right in. Josie was sitting up in bed and staring out the window. She turned when I came in and looked at me. She didn’t look happy to see me, or unhappy—only wary. That was her way: the owl, looking and watching first.

“Hey, Josie. How are you feeling?” I had brought some flowers, and I held them out to her. It was stupid and cliché, but women usually loved flowers.

“I feel like crap. Getting crunched in an car accident does that.” She took the flowers and sniffed at them. Then she jammed them in the glass of water on her bedside table. “No scent. Store flowers are all show.”

“Do you want different ones? I can get you roses, if you like.”

She smiled. “Relax, Ricky. Flowers just remind me of my mom.”

I sat down beside her. “You never talk about your family.”

“Can you blame me? I heard you met my charming siblings. I wish I had been conscious for that.”

“Which part? The part where your sister doubted that you’d have anything to do with me? Or when your brother offered to slam a lawsuit and a restraining order on me—if I ever saw you again?”

She faced me. Her brown eyes had purple shadows below them, but they still seemed to see right through me. “Yet here you are. I had you pegged right when I said you were a masochist.”

I laughed in sheer relief. A car accident wasn’t enough to dampen Josie’s spirits. I’d rather have her insulting me than a million other women paying me fake compliments.

A nurse came in and took Josie’s temperature and heart rate. She eyed the flowers. “How pretty. Did you want me to find a vase for those?”

“That would be great,” I said before Josie could announce she was going to toss them. The nurse returned and made a fuss about removing the cellophane and arranging the flowers.

“Aren’t you lucky to have a bouquet from such a handsome visitor?” she said.

Josie nodded. “Horseshoes up my butt. Of course, he’s the one who put me here, so he figures that flowers are cheaper than getting sued.” The nurse gave her a horrified look and scurried out of the room.

“Wanna bet they discharge me early?”

“When are you getting out?”

She pointed to the contraption on her side. “Once my lung is clear, they’ll take the Alien out. I should get out of jail by Friday morning.”

“How are your ribs?”

“You know what it’s like when you get doored and you go ass-over teakettle off your bike, hit the pavement and scrape all the skin off your knees and elbows and bang up your head?”

“Uh, no.”

“Well, it hurts a hundred times worse than that.”

“Look, Josie—if you do have extra medical expenses, I want to cover them. It’s the least I can do.”

“Welcome to Canada—home of socialized medicine. I’ll be fine.”

I wasn’t quite sure where to begin. There was a short silence. Josie said, “Spill. What’s up your ass?”

“How come you didn’t even tell me your real name?”

She turned away and looked out the window again. “You never asked.”

I pulled a chair over and took her hand. She looked at me with narrowed eyes.

“Josie, come on. We’re together, aren’t we? Am I the only one who feels everything here? You’re amazing—you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re beautiful. Being with you makes me feel so good, like I can take on the whole world. But you keep shutting me out. You dole out bits of your life like it hurts to talk. I want to know you.”

“Could we not do this right now? I’m in a little pain here.”

“No. We have to do this now. There isn’t going to be a better time.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ve got stuff going on.”

She frowned at me. “What?”

“First we talk about you, then we talk about me.”

Josie blew out a big breath. She pulled her hand out of mine. “What do you want to know?”

“Tell me about your family.”

“Well, you met my brother and sister. My dad’s a big deal lawyer at a downtown firm.” She closed her eyes. “You’re lucky you missed meeting him.”

I waited, because I knew there was more.

“My mom… is dead.”

“I’m so sorry.”

She opened her eyes and made a dismissive gesture. “You didn’t even know her.”

“Of course I didn’t, but I’m sorry because I can see how bad you feel about this.”

She shrugged and then winced at the pain. “Anything nice about me came from my mom. Dad thinks that sympathy is for losers. We all used to idolize him and want to be like him—and now we are—assholes. I was a daddy’s girl though, his little princess right up to the day he left.

“Our mom was the glue. She loved us unconditionally. But when she got pancreatic cancer, everything fell apart. Richard was a big important lawyer so he couldn’t take time off. Cyn was in the middle of a difficult pregnancy, so she couldn’t do much. My dad already had a brand new family, so we couldn’t count on him either.”

She tried to keep her voice unemotional, but Josie’s whole body was trembling as she spoke. I wanted to hear everything, but I could see what an effort it was for her. “I quit university to stay home and take care of my mom. I was happy to do it. I loved her so much—she was the kindest, sweetest person.”

Her voice caught, and I thought for a moment she might cry. I sat beside her and tried to hold her hand again, but she brushed me away.

“They thought she’d only live for three months, but she lived for a year longer than that.”

“Oh, Josie.”

“At the funeral, everyone said how lucky we were that she lived longer than we thought. But you know what?” She looked up at me, her eyes blazing with anger now. “All the extra time she was in so much pain—pain that the drugs couldn’t dull—that she became this whole other person. She was so angry and unhappy. She would complain constantly and scold me. I was only twenty, and I didn’t know anything about nursing.”

“That’s terrible. Your whole family should have helped too.”

Josie looked away, exhausted. “They did. If you ask them, they would point to all the things they did. Dad hired a nursing aide to come in daily. Richard took care of the finances and household stuff. Cyn made arrangements around food and groceries. And they visited a lot. But they had their own lives.”

I nodded, but I didn’t say a word in case she would stop.

“I was the only one without a life. But it was my own fault. I should have asked for the help I needed—insisted that I needed a weekend off to goof off with my friends and act my age. Instead I did everything because I was this nice person who wanted to make everyone happy. I was sweet JoJo, just like my mom had been this sweet person who made all these sacrifices in her own life for her husband and kids.”

Josie straightened her back and winced. She shook her head. “Early on, Mom would have good days when she was pain-free. And she loved to watch these travel shows and see all the places she wanted to visit. She had dreams of her own, and I had never known.

“Once she died, I was ready to change. I was going to enjoy every day and not put things off for the future. And I was going to stand up for myself and stop telling people what they wanted to hear. I never deliberately hurt anyone, but I won’t stand for bullshit either.”

This was the most Josie had ever told me about herself. She was free because she was honest to herself. I realized that when she told me her life philosophy, she was telling the truth.

I reached over and took her hand again. She tried to pull away, but she was too weak.

Her voice took on a familiar brittle tone. “Was this your plan? Put me in a hospital bed and then force me to answer all the stupid questions you’ve been dying to ask.”

I groaned. “Get real, Josie. I know you hate hospitals. I’m really sorry.”

“Did you mean to do it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do I need to spell this out? Well, did you enter the intersection, calculating the laws of physics so that the oncoming car would T-bone us at precisely that moment?”

“Of course not! I didn’t even see it. That car must have been speeding.”

“It was. I talked to the R.C.M.P. officer. They’re going to charge the other driver.”

I hadn’t heard that yet, but I’d been pretty busy for the past 24 hours. “But now you need to be looked after for a month—and you’re so independent. I feel terrible about that.”

Josie looked out the window again. “You should feel worse now that you’ve met my sister.”

“Okay, I have to tell you—I got cut from the team today.”

“Why?”

“Because of the car accident. It’s not my first one, right? They’re worried about their team image, you know, publicity stuff.”

“A team that has bar brawls is worried about their image. Yeah, right.”

“I was thinking, maybe it’s for the best. I could look after you now. I’ve got the time, and then you wouldn’t have to go with your sister.”

Josie looked away. “That’s insane.”

“Why is it insane?”

She didn’t respond for a long time. I felt the warmth of her hand in mine, but her mind and spirit were far away. The sensation of remoteness between us made me shiver.

Finally, she asked me, “What about your life? What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. This gives me time to figure things out. I guess I could go back to Switzerland.” But last time I went to Europe with a purpose. This time, it would probably be for the rest of my career.

“Is that what you want to do?”

“I guess.” So much had happened in the past 48 hours, I really hadn’t had any time to think.

“No, Eric, for once in your life, why don’t you figure out what
you
want?”

“What I want?”

“Yeah, deep down, if you could have your life any way you wanted—what would that be?”

“Well, I’d be playing hockey.”

“Where?”

The first answer that came into my mind was the NHL. If anything, this summer had raised my hopes. I felt like I was as good as Bomber or Reeds, and they had made it. But shit happens. Sometimes success had nothing to do with how good you were.

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You do know, but you’re too chickenshit to say.”

I was sick of her pushing me when she didn’t understand everything I’d been through. “You know what, Josie? It’s easy for you. I’ve never met anyone with as much confidence as you.”

She laughed. It was her hollow, sarcastic laugh. “I told you, I wasn’t always like this. I used to be the quintessential nice girl. Too bad you didn’t meet me then, we could have had the normal relationship you’ve been trying to force on me since the day we met.”

“Is that how you see me? I’m not trying to force you into anything, or change you. I like how strong you are. I like everything about you. And that’s why I want to see you more. Is that a crime?”

When I looked into her dark eyes, everything I felt for her came welling up. “I love you, Josie.”

I waited for her to say something—anything. The silence was punctuated by the machine beeps and rolling carts in the hall.

She pulled her hand out from mine and finally spoke, “I don’t want to be your next boss.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You like people to boss you around. Your dad, your trainer, your shaman. I don’t want that responsibility. You need to man up and decide your own life.”

“It’s not up to me!” I knew what I wanted, but if I couldn’t even make the AHL, I’d never make the NHL. And now it seemed like I couldn’t even get the woman I loved.

She raked a hand through her short hair. “You worked so hard to make the team, and you’re letting them cut you for nothing.”

“Nothing? Look at you! I fucking punctured your lung.”

“A speeding BMW punctured my lung. It’s not always about you, Eric. I don’t know what happened in your first car crash, but this was an accident. Why are you letting an accident change your life?”

Cynthia walked in at this moment. Her eyes widened at the sight of me.

“Oh my God, you’re back. Did you not hear what Richard said? Do I have to call security or something?” She held her large purse in front of her like a shield.

Josie scowled at her. “A restraining order requires my consent too. And he’s not filing a lawsuit against Eric either. I’m fine.”

“Really, Josephine? You’re the last person I thought would get taken in by a pretty face.” Cynthia boxed me out of the conversation. “Besides, you’re not fine. You’re going to have to move to my place for at least a month.”

“That’s not happening. I’m going back to my condo. If necessary, I’ll hire a nurse.”

“Where is all this money coming from?”

“I can pay for the nurse,” I offered. They both turned and stared at me.

“No,” Josie answered. “I’m not taking anything from you.”

“Why not?” Cynthia asked. “The whole thing was his fault.”

“It was actually the other driver’s fault,” Josie repeated. Cynthia began to argue with her.

I interrupted, “Or I can take care of Josie myself.”

Josie shook her head vehemently. “That is not happening.”

“Why not? You said I should decide what I want. This is exactly what I want to do—to be with you. To take care of you.”

“I don’t want to be dependent on anyone. Least of all you—the world’s biggest pleaser.”

“Why are you being this way? Can’t you believe that it would make me happy to do this?”

She closed her eyes, and I watched her long lashes fluttering on her cheeks. Even Cynthia shut up, sensing the tension of the moment.

Josie took a deep breath, and then spoke in a flat voice. “You’re too damaged to look after anyone else. Go to Switzerland. I think what you really want is an excuse to avoid your daddy issues.”

I was speechless. Everything I had confided to her was being laid out in public.

“It’s pretty clear that she doesn’t want your help,” Cynthia said.

“Off you go,” Josie added. “Like a little puppy with his tail between his legs. That’s your real spirit animal.”

I couldn’t believe this. Josie was always tough, but she’d never been deliberately cruel. She had lied about never hurting anyone, because she’d gone straight to everything vulnerable I’d shared with her and smacked me in the face with it. Her betrayal pierced me and filled me with anger.