The Truth About Love (12 page)

Lily hadn’t arrived yet, but I needed to send Lola a message at work.  She had once offered to let me store things in her spare room if I needed.  Sure, it was years ago, but she tended to be rather easy going.  It didn’t take her long to reply.

Lola: The kid is home sick from school.  I called her and she knows to let you in.  Just stack everything near the front door and I’ll get it in put away for you.

me: Thank you!

With that settled, I decided I needed to at least get everything out of the house.  So, I started piling the bags and boxes out in the driveway just as Lily pulled up.  

As she hopped out of the car in front of the house, she called, “Hey, Isaac is sleeping.  Should I bring him in or is it safer for him to stay out there?  Do you think we’ll be long?”

“This is what I have to either fit in the car, or bring over to Lola’s.”  I gestured at the piles.  “Shouldn’t take too long.  The next stop will be Once Upon a Child so I can sell some of Kylie’s things.”

Looking her over, I realized she was mentally tallying the time.
  “
Ready?  Let’s get it done.”

It took a decent amount of time to complete the tasks.  I didn’t realize how many necessities we really had, both those for the long term and those for our immediate needs.  We loaded and re-loaded.  My planning and ability to make everything fit, to see a way to cram in more, earned me the title of Tetris Master from Lily.

It was nearly one in the afternoon by the time we finished and loaded Kylie.  Before leaving I also needed to check on Shane while I still had Wi-Fi.  My hands were shaking as I refreshed the page on my phone.  I feared he would be out of jail and here before I even knew he’d been released.  According to the website, he was still in jail.  The one change to his information was that bail had been set for $1000.  It seemed strange to have such a small price put on our safety.

At Once Upon a Child, I sold a few of the clothes and toys Kylie had outgrown and pocketed some much-needed cash.
 
Finally, after two in the afternoon, we went to get lunch.  Normally, I would have been crazed since it was my first meal of the day, but honestly, all the fear and constant movement had kind of dulled that sense.  I just wanted to be happy, feel safe, with Kylie.
 
We stopped at Cookout, which I will admit has become my crack.  I love a good barbecue sandwich.  There, it’s perfect, topped with coleslaw and Texas Pete.  All of this sounds strangely gross to those who haven’t experienced it.  Those that have will completely agree with me.  This was one of the few Cookouts with an inside dining room.  Most only had a drive thru and outdoor seating.  It figured my favorite restaurant would open around the corner when I was moving away.  

Isaac slept through lunch, too, but Kylie was awake, alert, and eager to get into mischief.  She played with a straw, then moved on to a plastic fork, and finally made her mama super proud when she attempted to eat some French fries.  Lily was still eating while I was using the Wi-Fi to map out directions to Grace’s home.  Then, I looked on the website to see if Shane was still in jail.  I had been assured the website posted changes immediately.  It gave me some degree of comfort when I discovered he was still there.  It was too early to feel completely relieved.   With a sigh, I turned my attention to Kylie.  “Ready for a new adventure, little one?”
 
She just smiled at me.  God, I love that baby...so sweet, so easy to be with.

There was much hugging as we loaded the kids into the car.  I wasn’t sure when or if I’d see Lily again.  
“
Thank you so much for letting us stay with you.”  

Lily squeezed me tighter.  “Call to let me know you made it there safely.”

Nodding, I smiled.  “I will.  Call if you find out anything about Shane.”

She smiled sadly at me.  “You know I will.”

As we parted, I glanced at the clock and sighed.  It was time to get up to the hospital to get Kylie’s meds before the pharmacy closed.  We still had a lot of driving ahead of us. 

After a stop at the pharmacy, followed by a stop for gas, and a run through a drive thru, it was getting later and later.  The route seemed longer than I remembered.  Because of that, Grace had already called once, worried.  What should have been a two and a half hour drive was now close to double that.

“Are you still coming?”

It was now close to eight at night. “Oh yes.  On my way.”

“What’s the next city?”

Clearly she was trying to estimate how far away we were.  “
I don’t know.  I don’t have data right now and I don’t have a GPS prediction of my arrival time.”

“Okay, well, I’ll be up, waiting.”

“Thank you.  I’m sorry for making you wait and worry,” I moaned. 

It was after 9pm when we finally arrived.  Somehow with all the stops and the rain, we had ended up arriving much later than I ever could have predicted.  Kylie had been so well behaved, I couldn’t complain.  

Henry rushed out to the vehicle as I pulled in.  He was playing bellhop, quickly grabbing our suitcases.  Since I was planning on staying a week, it wouldn’t make sense to run out to the vehicle for clothes on a daily basis.  I brought in an entire case of Kylie’s food, her box of diapers, and reached for the pump bags.  They weren’t there.  After the drive and the day I’d had, I was too tired to be alarmed.  It was late and dark.  In the morning I’d come back out to look.  I had made sure they were in the pile meant to go in the vehicle.  

Once inside, I was finally able to appreciate Grace and Henry’s completely remodeled home.  It was nice before, a big two story, but now...it was beautifully redone...every bit of it.  The floors were dark wide boards, scraped hardwoods.  The kitchen had been opened up and completely gutted from top to bottom.  The fireplace now had been stacked stone all the way up the wall to the cathedral ceiling.  The master bath had been completely remodeled.  Each room along the tour had new touches.  Even the bonus room we were staying in was different, finished, since my last visit.  

“I figured this might work for you.”  She threw an arm over my shoulder and pressed her head against mine.  

“Thank you.  It’s perfect.”  It was, too.  We walked the five steps down into the room, which guaranteed Kylie would not be exiting the space without me. Henry had laid the luggage on this tall table that Grace explained he used for assembling puzzles.  On the floor was a queen sized Aero bed.  Because it was only six inches off the carpet, Kylie was currently crawling on and off it.  She was so excited.  When I added my pillow and hers along with our special blankets, she snuggled right in while laughing.

“She’s so big.  And totally precious,” Grace commented as I worked.

Pausing, I looked at her and tried to see her as my best friend did.  “Yeah, I’m so in love with that baby.”  Satisfied with my efforts to get set up, I glanced about and noticed the sitting area with the love seat, coffee table, and television.  I could actually get work done while Kylie played and watched her shows.  
“
We’ll be very comfortable here.  Thank you for everything.”

“Good, I’m glad.  We’re going to watch TV.  Wanna join us?”  She jerked her head toward the door.

“Yup, just need to get Kylie in jammies and start her feed.  See you in just a minute.” 

An hour later, Henry had gone to bed, Kylie was asleep in my lap and Grace and I had our first opportunity to talk.  She had been waiting quietly, patiently for this moment.  She wanted to know, needed details to piece together the story of how I ended up here, the same story I tried to figure out every day.  I had taken to dreaming about it.  Only, in my dream, I hadn’t asked Shane if he needed to answer the phone.  I hadn’t left Kylie in the bedroom, but instead, she had slept out on the couch snuggled with me.  When he woke, he came out to the great room, happy to see me, wondering how long I’d been home.  It was a happy dream.

There were nightmares, too, where I worked through what would have happened if I hadn’t called the police.  He was spiraling out of control and everything was worse, more dangerous.  No matter the version of my dreams, I couldn’t see a way back to each other, a way this was ever going to work.  So much for the happily ever after we had planned and our forever kind of love.

“So what now?” Grace asked quietly from the other side of the sectional.

Looking down at the baby sleeping in my lap, I exhaled.  “I wish I knew.”  I shrugged.  “Survive until the court date.  I’ve had to cancel all of Kylie’s therapies.” 

Her eyes widened.  “What did you tell them?”

I frowned.  “The truth.  I didn’t do anything wrong, so I’m not ashamed.  To cover up is just another way to protect him.”  

Even though I had apparently been enabling this behavior for some time, trying to cover up for him with friends, explaining away holes in the wall and broken or missing items, the time had come to a harsh and sudden end.  Now, I did what I needed to in order to protect Kylie.

With a softly spoken comment, Grace interrupted my thoughts.  She was good at doing that, keeping me from dwelling on things too long.
  “
Kylie is beautiful.  She is absolutely precious.”

I smiled.  That happened a lot when we discussed my amazing baby.
  “
Yes, she sure does know how to warm hearts.”
 
Glancing at the clock, I realized how late it was getting.
  “W
hat’s your schedule tomorrow?”

“Oh, I’m working from home again.”
 
Apparently that’s one of the perks of working for a major drug company.  She can work from home half time.  That seemed like a pretty sweet deal to me.
  “
I’ll finish around 3:30 when my last conference call ends.  Why?”

“
Well, I need to open a bank account.  I’m thinking Wells Fargo since our joint accounts are through Bank of America.  Also, I really need to sell this stroller, and buy an umbrella one.”  I took a deep breath.  The list was long.  “Then there’s the phone.  I’m still not sure what to do about that.  You are awesome at reasoning with me.  Maybe we can figure that out together?”  I shrugged.  “I know it’s a lot, but it doesn’t all have to be done tomorrow.  Looks like we’ll have a week together.”  Then I smiled through the pain.  

“Sure.  We’ll figure things out.”  She yawned.  “See you in the morning.  I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Me, too.”

So we stood and hugged before I gathered up Kylie and her pump then walked up the stairs to sleep.  Before closing my eyes and settling in, I did what I had done so often during the day.  Opening the laptop, I refreshed the Sheriff.org page and was relieved to discover once more that Shane was still in jail.  Apparently no one had paid his bail.  The longer he was in, the more confident I was he wouldn’t get out before his next jail appearance.  According to the information on the site, that wasn’t until December 20
th
.  It wasn’t an appearance I would have to be at.  Conceivably, I might not have to see him again...ever.  For the moment, it gave me an immeasurable amount of comfort.  

Chapter Eleven

It was so quiet when I woke, it took me a moment before I decided to move from the Aero bed.  Somehow, in the length between visits, I had forgotten what it was like at Grace’s house.  She was walking talking chamomile.  There was never much noise around the house, other than the dog.  Lying tucked up against my side was Kylie.  She had slept better last night than she had in many.  It could have been exhaustion, but once again I believe Grace’s presence had worked its magic.  

Slowly, I rolled from the bed, landing on hands and knees.  Once free and without having awakened my baby girl, I moved to the love seat a few feet away.  There was so much writing I had to catch up on.  If at all possible, I wanted to get in a call to mom this morning too.

First, as had become my habit, I checked Sheriff.org.  To my relief, Shane was still incarcerated.  He had changed pods within the jail once more, it seemed.  Otherwise, all the information remained the same.  

Using my phone, I went through my emails.  I checked on my Facebook, and I tried to get my mind right.  I’d have to go out to the car and get Kylie’s bags this morning.  I knew I had two in her diaper bag, but since they were supposed to be changed daily to prevent infection, I would be out before the weekend ended.

Feeling better, like I could concentrate on something, anything, once more, I opened my file of assignments.  The keys on the MacBook barely made a sound as I typed fast and furious, determined to catch up and hopefully even get ahead.  I felt good,
really
good for the first time in such a long time.  

It was almost eight in the morning when Kylie finally woke from her apparently very restful sleep.  Like most days, she scanned the room until she found me, then she beamed.  She has the most beautiful smile.  Too often she astounds me with the complexity of her thoughts and expressions.  It’s like having this miniature adult trapped in a baby’s body.  

As soon as unhooked her from the pump, I picked her up, hugged her close, and whispered words of love and affection to her.  Once I changed her diaper, we tiptoed downstairs with the baby-sized backpack, which held her tubing and Kangaroo brand pump.  Grace’s stairs made of hardwood treads, thick wooden bannister, and wrought iron spindles, while gorgeous, scared the hell out of me.  I’ve fallen down enough stairs to recognize a hazard when I saw one.  These would eat me up.  So, I took extra care since I carried Kylie.  Grace was in the living room eating a bagel and drinking her Diet Pepsi.  She was wide-awake and all ready to act the perfect hostess.

“There’s cereal and bagels in the cupboard.  Eggs are in the fridge.  Have whatever you want.  Oh...tea.  You like hot tea, right?”  She had been gesturing animatedly from her seat.

“Yup
.”  Then
I smirked because I knew where this is going.  We’ve had this same discussion a million times.  

“Yeah.  Well, we don’t have any tea, but if you change your mind about coffee, Henry made this pot just before he left.”  She took a deep sip from her soda.

“No worries.  I’m fine.”  

Grace stood, came over to give me a hug, and then did what little cleaning she needed to before she excused herself.
  “
Well, time to get to work.  I’m available unless the door is closed.  Conference calls.”

“Have fun,” I teased.

She made a face expressing her dislike, then she wandered off to the study on the other side of the stairs.

The day passed quickly.  I can’t remember what made it get away from me.  I know that I showered while playing peek-a-boo with Kylie in Grace’s master bath. At some point I stopped for lunch with Grace where I ate some of her leftovers. Of course, since I hadn’t eaten it before, it wasn’t a leftover for me.  After lunch Kylie slept...
on the Aero bed
.  This may not seem like such a big deal, but I promise she hasn’t been able to take a nap anywhere but the car since Monday, so this was noteworthy.  

Suddenly it was four in the afternoon and Grace and I were loading Kylie in the car to go to the bank.  It was time to open an account.
 
From there, we went walking at the park.  Nothing like a long walk in flip-flops to make me feel completely out of shape.  Maybe because Grace made me feel so safe and comfortable, I had forgotten to get on the computer constantly to check the status of Shane’s incarceration.  It was only when we were walking around a corner and I saw a silver truck, it all came back to me.  Grace saw me jump.  I didn’t even realize how startled I was, how damaged I must be if that was my reaction to seeing a silver truck.  It wasn’t his, of course, but it did remind me to be more vigilant.  By then, I was pretty much done.

“Dinner?” I suggested.

She looked at me and threw an arm around me.
  “
I spoke to Henry.  He suggested Chinese tonight.  We’ll get take out.  It’s our Friday night thing.”

Saturday morning, after Kylie woke, we walked down to the kitchen where everyone was already awake.  I had grabbed the last sealed pump bag from Kylie’s duffle and was preparing to load it when I realized I had forgotten to get the rest from the car the day before.  Grace and Henry didn’t have children, claiming they liked their life, but I saw the way my friend stared at my baby while she crawled around.  “Hey, Grace, wanna hold her while I run out to the car?  Her spare feeding bags are out there and I keep forgetting to bring them in.  The minute she sees me walk out the door, she’s going to freak, but she doesn’t need to go out in the cold in pajamas.” 

Shrugging, Grace murmured, “Oh, sure.  Why not?”

So, I rushed to the door and heard Kylie wailing. Turning, I murmured, “I’ll be right back.”  Then I rushed down the front steps to my car, keys in hand.  With the button on the key fob, I had the vehicle unlocked before I reached it.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t be sure where anything was since Lily had helped me load everything.  I looked around the back seat, but couldn’t see the tote I needed.  Next I opened the cargo bay.  There was really nothing left back there but a spare box of the liquid nutrition.  While I was pretty sure they weren’t in the front passenger seat, it was the only place I hadn’t looked.  I quickly confirmed they weren’t there either.
 
Obviously, they had somehow been left behind.  Feeling a bit dejected already this morning, I headed back in the house empty handed.

“Hey, I thought you went outside for bags?”  She had Kylie on her hip and they were dancing around the kitchen.

I merely shook my head sadly.

“Oh no.  Now what?  Is there someone you can call?”  Like me, Grace was a problem solver.

“Not on a weekend.  And I can’t keep reusing this one.  It’s not safe.  I suppose I can try to run boiling hot water through it for tomorrow morning, but I’m screwed for the rest of next week.”
 
We were quiet for a moment.  Grace looked completely bewildered.   “I’m thinking that if Shane is still in jail tomorrow morning, he’s probably not getting out.  He’s been in jail since Wednesday night and bail was set on Thursday morning.  If someone was going to get him out, it would have been done by now, I think. So, tomorrow it will be safe to go home.  I can get everything I need from Lola.  I can stay in the house at least until the court date or maybe longer.”

The wheels were turning.  I had hope once more.  Funny, it always takes so little for me to find it, so little for me to hang onto.  It was the reason I’d managed to stick it out with Shane.  We’d have a bad day or two and then he’d be nice.  I’d wait, thinking more days would be like that.  He’d be moderately happy and not suck the joy out of me.  Over time, those days would get farther and farther between.
  Eventually,
I spent time wondering when it was right to leave so no one could suggest I hadn’t tried, hadn’t done everything within my power to make this marriage last.  He didn’t cheat on me, exactly.  He didn’t hit me, but one time years ago due to a bad drug and alcohol cocktail.  Did that really count?  How could I label this man I loved as abusive?

My goals, once lofty, were now about basic human needs: food, clothes, and shelter.  How had I fallen so far?  Hadn’t I gone to college, graduated with a bachelor’s and master’s degree?  In one of our last conversations, Shane had called me a charity case, said he had never wanted to marry me, he did it because he felt sorry for me.  It had hurt for a moment, but after I thought about it, I realized it wasn’t true, couldn’t be true because he would never suffer someone else’s burden, and never be attracted to anyone who wasn’t strong.  How many times had I dusted myself off? I refused to let him make me feel weak.
 
Rather than dwell on the negative, I’d be positive and accomplish as much as possible today, while I had Grace.

“Let’s get our errands run.”  I suggested.  “Today, we’ll sell the stroller, I’ll buy a more compact model, and we’ll even look into phones.  Tomorrow...if Shane is still in jail, I’ll go home.”  I smiled as brightly as possible.  

Grace frowned.  “You can stay as long as you want, as long as you need to.  Henry and I love having you here.”  

“I know, it’s just that everything I need is there.  Obviously, I have a lot to consider, a lot to figure out.”

She nodded.  “I get it.  When do you want to run these errands?”

Grinning, I asked, “Is now too soon?”

Before we left, I checked on Sheriff.org and was pleased to once again find I was safe.  The longer he was locked up, the more certain I was he’d plot some sort of revenge.  Years together had taught me everything was my fault.  It was amazing how he could twist things to suit his needs.  Of course hearing it didn’t mean I believed it.  I was strong.  I knew better.

We dropped the big bulky BOB stroller off at the Once Upon a Child in Raleigh.  Then we headed to the nearest Wal-Mart.  Let’s face it, if I was going to get an inexpensive umbrella stroller there was no better place.

We found one fast enough, which worked out well since Kylie was sound asleep in my arms and all eighteen pounds of her was starting to feel more like a ton.  In minutes, we had the one I was going to buy assembled and my sleeping baby hooked in it; then we looked at phones and phone plans.

“So what do you think?”  Grace asked after we had finished comparing plans and phones.

“I think I’m going the Wal-Mart route with my phone.  I won’t have to deal with adding contacts to a new phone or wasting money buying one either.  And I think I need to wait until I get home because I’m not sure I can keep my phone number and I want a 704 area code.”  I stuck the pamphlet in my purse.

“Make sense, let’s go.”

After Wal-Mart, we went back to Once Upon a Child and walked out with seventy-five dollars.   Suddenly, it seemed like so much money.  Our final stop was the grocery store.  Grace had decided tonight would be a lovely night for grilled chicken salads and bruschetta.  We walked in the door and Henry opened a bottled of wine and poured three glasses.  There was some light and easy conversation about our day. It was so relaxing.  Then Grace pulled out the tomatoes, and all hell broke loose.  A text from Lily started it.

Lily: Oh, man. Looks like someone bailed out Shane.

Admittedly, I was confused.  How could she know before me?  I was registered with Vine, they were supposed to let me know.
 
Then my phone started ringing.  The same number called repeatedly and since the Caller ID showed it was a Kansas number and the bottom had dropped out of my stomach after the text message.  

All I remember is bursting out in tears and racing up to the bonus room with Kylie in my arms.  I set her on the floor to play and opened my laptop.  My hands were shaking as I tried to load Sheriff.org, something I had done countless times since Wednesday night.  Sure enough, he was out.  It took several minutes of staring before it sunk in.  When it did, I realized I couldn’t go home.

The Kansas number continued to call.  I had missed five already, so I answered this one.  It was Vine letting me know that Shane had been bailed out, warning me to be safe.  Only by entering my passcode would the calls stop.  Honestly, I had created the code days ago, I only hoped I remembered it correctly.  The automated system assured me I did.

My phone rang again.  This time, it was Lola.  

“I wanted to make sure you knew that Shane was out.”  She sounded out of breath.

I sniffled several times.
  “
Yeah, I’m aware.  How?  Who bailed him out?”
 
The sound of her inhaling deeply before answering had me on edge.

“It was Corinne and Joel.”

For a moment, I had no idea what to say.  They were our neighbors who lived a street away.  Our little hood was tight, hanging out during the various seasons like hot chocolate, s’mores and bonfires on snow days; cookouts in the spring and summer, and fun in the fall.  How could they?  
“
Lola, why would they do that?”  It felt like a knife in my chest, or maybe more appropriately, my back.  

She sighed, a sound I knew well.
  “
They thought they were doing the right thing, that it was better for him to be out working than rotting in jail.  Financially, they were worried about what would happen to you and Kylie.”

Standing I began pacing angrily.  “I’m furious.  Corinne and I have been friends for years.  She has my number...she calls, she texts, and it never occurred to her to check with me, or hell...check
on
me?”