The Truth About Love (8 page)

During the drive I had called Adult & Pediatric Specialists to make sure they had what I needed.  Sure enough, the woman I spoke to promised to have the cord ready and waiting for us.  With no one left to call, I had a moment to think.
 
All I could think was that he hadn’t called.  I checked the app, and discovered he was still home.  Obviously, he really wanted it to be over.  Honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted.  Okay, I did, to an extent.  I didn’t want this kind of relationship.  Living with Shane, it wasn’t a case of walking on eggshells.  It was more like walking through minefields.

See, with eggshells you know eventually they are going to break.  There are few things more delicate.  With a minefield, a person doesn’t know the bomb is there, waiting to explode the minute it’s stepped on.  So, I lived life trying to be happy, while wondering if the one thing I said, or didn’t say, was going to cause the hidden bomb to suddenly shatter our peaceful existence.  I didn’t know if one minute he was going to seem pleasant enough, only for me to ask a question and push things just a little too far, in his opinion.

It was no way to live.  At various times he had yelled at Kylie for crying, erupted at me for being agreeable.  Of course, my favorite night was still the McFlurry night.  It had been about 9:30pm and I was still struggling to get Kylie to sleep for the night.  

While there are babies who can be set in the crib to cry themselves to sleep, that isn’t how we handle babies on oxygen and feeding tubes.  If she gets too upset, it can cause serious breathing problems.  If she gets too agitated, her Mini Button in her belly, the one we attach her tubing to in order to eat, can be yanked out.  It isn’t pretty.  It’s painful.  And it’s a lot more work in the long run than taking the time to soothe her to sleep.  That’s what we do.  And ‘we’ is a loose term.  I pat her bottom.  I rub her back.  I sing.  I hum.  I rock.  Name it.  I do it.  It’s totally worth it to get her to sleep with tubing intact and breathing soundly.

This particular night, when Shane suggested he might be interested in getting some ice cream, I did what I do.  I tried to be helpful.  It was a huge mistake.  See, this was during the Monopoly game.  Since McDonald’s is so close, it’s not uncommon for me to swing by while I’m running errands to grab lunch, or a snack, or a pick me up.  Needless to say, I had accumulated a few pieces, some for free food.  This one in particular was for a free McFlurry.  By 9:30pm, I’m toast.  The thought of getting in a vehicle, driving all the way to the nearest grocery store, getting out of said vehicle, entering the grocery store, picking up ice cream, waiting in line to buy the ice cream, loading myself and ice cream in the vehicle before heading home to enjoy the ice cream...seemed like a lot of unnecessary work.  After all, the free McFlurry was all of a mile down the road.  
I suppose I imagined offering my precious coupon was an act of generosity.  Look at all the trouble I was saving him.  “
Hey, I have a coupon for a free McFlurry.  You can have it.”

Now...at this point, a normal person who was stuck on ice cream would simply say something to the effect of, ‘no, thank you.  I have my heart set on ice cream.’  Then there’s Shane.

Before I know it, he was yelling and cursing.  He was kicking the table and punching holes in the study wall before he finally calms down enough to express his emotions.

“You are so controlling!”

Apparently, I’m the bitch because I offered him a free McFlurry.
  Sighing I responded.  “
If you want ice cream, then get ice cream.  It’s nothing to get upset over.”

“You are always trying to tell me what to do.”  He glared at me while biting his finger.

“I was trying to be
nice
.”

“I want ice cream,” he insisted.

“So go get ice cream. Honestly.  This is ridiculous.” 

It took a while longer, more wasted time as he went on and on about how he wanted ice cream and how a McFlurry was not ice cream, it wasn’t even dairy.  I sat there on the couch, calmly holding Kylie as I tried to get her to sleep.  She was staring at her father in wonder.  My guess would be wondering what the heck he was so upset about.

Finally, he left.  When he returned, he had a milkshake from Jack in The Box, which is right next door to McDonald’s.  Yup.  Pretty sure the shake isn’t even dairy either, but I’ve been wrong before…like when I tried to offer the free McFlurry.  

We didn’t speak of it.  He didn’t repair the walls.  He didn’t spend enough time in there to bother, I suppose.  This incident hadn’t scared me; instead it had annoyed me.   I was disgusted he had managed to get so angry about absolutely nothing.  I had told Brynn about it.  

Yes, I talked about his outbursts.  It was impossible to hide if we had company anyway.  One look at a wall and it was obvious.  It wasn’t my shame.  It wasn’t my fault.  Sharing helped me through it, gave me perspective.  Seeing my life through others’ eyes helped me get to this point because, in all honesty, it’s amazing what a person can get used to.  By amazing, I mean frightening, sickening, and sad.  Especially sad.

At a stoplight, I sent Brynn a text to let her know what time I planned to be there.  I told her Shane and I had a fight, which was why I needed her to watch Kylie.  She sent a text reply.

Brynn: OMG. Did you buy Breyer’s instead of Edy’s?

me: Bahaha.  No.  This time he couldn’t get his phone in his pocket.

After arriving at Adult & Pediatric Specialists, I pried Kylie from the car seat.  She was growing tired of the constant in and out.  She was at an age where she needed to move around more, be active, and really hated being confined.  As soon as we entered the office, the woman at the desk came rushing over to us.  Before I could even introduce myself, she was staring at Kylie.  

“I’d know this little one anywhere.  Hello, Kylie.”  She beamed at the little one on my hip.

My baby rewarded her with a smile.  She has come to think everyone knows her.  Me, I was shocked.
“
How did you know?”

She gestured down the hall behind her.  “We have pictures of Kylie on our board in the back.  Newspaper clippings.”

I smiled and nodded.  Yes, Kylie was special.  She’d come a long way.  She was a record setter.

“Here’s your cord, precious!”
 
She grabbed it from the top of her desk and walked it over to us.  With one more necessity fulfilled, I felt so much better.  Now we could actually relax with Brynn.  Kylie could crawl around, have fun, and be a baby who was fast morphing into a big girl.  

“Thank you so much,” I murmured as I took the cord from her hand.

Then we walked out the door to meet Brynn.

It was another twenty minutes to Kannapolis and the studio apartment Brynn and her son shared with her boyfriend.  I kept checking my phone to see if I had missed any calls, but Shane still hadn’t reached.  I wondered about that.  Was he awake?  Was he sleeping even more than before?  Was he alive?  

Thankfully, before I could get too crazy with it, I had pulled into Brynn’s parking lot, only to realize that she hadn’t given me an apartment number.  So, I sent her a text.

me: Drop me a hint.  Send up a flare.  Something.  We’re here!

Almost as soon as I had sent it, the door to the building opened and Brynn stepped out, holding her baby.  I knew Kylie would be excited.  She loved babies.  Sure enough, she was beaming as soon as I hauled her out of her seat.

“Kylie, see the baby?  That’s Max.”

She made her high pitched squeal which pretty much meant she was too excited to even try to form a word.  Yes, we were a tad behind in speech as well, but I wasn’t worried.  Kylie was bright.  She’d catch up when she was ready.  I often joked we were on Kylie time.

We didn’t talk much.  Brynn didn’t ask where I’d be that Kylie couldn’t be with me.  We didn’t discuss my crazy life at all.  At the moment, it was just what I needed.  I was sick of me.  I just wanted a moment to be, to relax, to think of none of the many painful thoughts threatening to flood my mind.  Instead, we let my baby girl explore, not that there was much space in the studio apartment, but she was happy enough with yet another new environment.

This moment of pure happiness and my moment of relaxation begged to be captured for posterity.  Knowing Brynn and her boyfriend didn’t have a camera, I took several pictures with my phone and loaded them immediately on Facebook.  Half an hour later, I received a call from Lily.  She was on the way home.

“So, since Lyle works late tonight...how about Girl’s Night.  We’ll make dinner, relax, talk…”  She sounded so excited.

“Perfect.  I’ll meet you there.” 

With that, I decided to load up Kylie and head back to our temporary home.  It was a long drive.  By now, Kylie was getting hungry and the car was a better place to feed her.  She wouldn’t be running around threatening to rip out her button at least.  

We drove off and I was feeling super comfortable about returning her the next day to play with Max and hang out with Brynn.  After all, Brynn was really the only other person I had trained to use the button and pump.  Kylie adored her aunt and with Max, I’d probably have to drag her away after I returned.

I think I made it all of ten minutes into the trip when my text messages started blowing up.  It was him.  The Facebook pics did it.  

Shane: Where’s my car?  Nice to see you turn on the one person who’s ever helped you and go to Brynn.  Where’s my little girl?

Shane: When the 24 hours is up, I can call the police officially for kidnapping.

Shane: And THEFT!

Not only was I driving in North Carolina, one the states sensible enough to institute a no texting while driving law, but everything I had to say to him was too complex to be conveyed by text.  So, I called.

It rang and he refused to pick up.  So, I called again.

This time he broke down and answered.  Already, he was snarling at me.
  “
What do you want?”

“Nice to hear from you.  I’m driving.  If you have something to say to me, it will have to be done by phone.”  My heart pounded in my chest while I tried to act calm.

“Where’s my vehicle?”

“With me.  But you knew this,” I remarked flippantly.  “Oh, and your daughter is fine, thanks for asking.  All you care about is your possessions.”  I paused.  “Speaking of possessions...when can I come pick up the rest of mine?”

“You can’t.  You had your chance.”  He sounded so proud of himself.

Guess I know him at least a little still.  Good thing I had that in the paperwork for court tomorrow.  
“
We’ll see.” 

“Yes, we will see, won’t we?  So when are you bringing back my car and my daughter?”

“I’m not.”  I spoke evenly, trying to remain calm even as my heart broke.  

Paula’s parting words had been an emphatic reminder to not tell him about the court hearing or the pending custody of Kylie and the car.  It was killing me not to blurt that out.

“Fine.  At 7:30pm, I can call the police.”  He seemed determined to hurt me.

“Call whomever you want.  They can’t do anything.  This isn’t kidnapping.  There’s no custody order in place.  And I promise you, after your behavior, you wouldn’t be the one with custody anyway.”  It felt good being strong.  “Oh, and the car, joint property acquired during the marriage.  I have as much right to it as you do.”

“We’ll see about that.”  I recognized the tone of his voice.  He was sneering as he spoke.

“Yup.”

We were both silent for a moment.

Finally, I spoke, my words barely louder than a whisper.  “So, I guess this is really over.”

“Looks that way.”

My chest ached and my throat hurt from the strain of trying to control my voice when I longed to breakdown in tears.  “
Then I guess there’s nothing left to talk about.  Goodbye.”
 
Without waiting for a response, I hung up.  It took several deep breaths before I had my emotions under control again.  Something nagged at me.  He seemed pretty sure that he could have me arrested.  Just to be certain, I called the police.  It felt like forever I waited for the non-emergency line to connect.  Once a female officer answered, I explained the situation and commenced asking questions.

“So can he really try to have me arrested?”  My mind raced as I tried to reason out my options.

“I don’t believe so, ma’am.”  She wasn’t particularly comforting.

I pressed further.  “But even if he does, I will be fine as long as I show the papers, right?  I mean, I have court tomorrow to settle all of this.”

“Yes, ma’am, you should be fine.  Don’t worry.”  This time I believed her.

As I prepared to end the call, another thought occurred to me.  “One more thing.  Do you have a number for the report about last night’s call, just in case I need it?”

“There was no report made,” she announced.  

Slamming my back deeper into the driver’s seat, I was stunned.  “They were there for over an hour and there’s no report?”