The Tudors for Dummies (AvaxHome Download) (11 page)

to Francis's son, also (confusingly!) Francis, but by 1529 Charles V and the

French king were negotiating a new treaty and it looked as if Henry would

find himself in a potential war with both France and Spain. It didn't help, of

course, that this was the year that Henry began divorce proceedings against

Catherine and she was the aunt of Charles V, whose army was surround-

ing the pope in Rome. The `Ladies' Peace' was signed in the French city of

Cambrai to avoid outright war.

Fighting the French (again!)

With Charles and Francis cosying up to each other, Henry put the country on

invasion alert. He built forts like Pendennis and Cowes along the south coast,

demanded that local troops be mobilised and hiked taxation to pay for all his

preparations.

European politics change like the wind and Charles and Francis soon fell out,

so that there was now another two pronged attack by the emperor and Henry

on France. This time � the summer of 1544 � Henry besieged Boulogne and

took it, blowing up part of the town walls. Charles felt betrayed by this pos-

turing � it wasn't part of the joint plan � and promptly defected to Francis.

The French king now launched his own two-pronged attack. One of his armies

hit Boulogne and the other arrived off the south coast of England, firing on

Henry's fleet off Portsmouth and attacking the Isle of Wight before being

driven off.

The war ended tamely with the Treaty of Camp. Henry would keep Boulogne

for a fixed period and Francis would then buy it off him.

Making Politics Personal

One of the biggest problems that Henry faced throughout his reign was his

`great matter' � his determination to have a son to continue the Tudor line.

Inevitably, this involved finding a suitable wife who would provide a male

heir for him. We cover Henry's wives in more detail in Chapter 5, but we'll

introduce them here, in order of their marriage to the king:

Catherine of Aragon (married Henry June 1509, aged 24, separated 1531,

annulled May 1533): See the earlier sidebar `The first wife: Catherine of

Aragon' for the lowdown on this sad princess.

Anne Boleyn (married Henry secretly January 1533, aged 26, beheaded

May 1536): Henry certainly fell for Anne, the daughter of a Kentish

knight, longing, in his own words, to `kiss her pretty dukkys' (breasts),

but she was playing hard to get. Not for her was her sister's role of royal

mistress (see the following section `Playing Away from Home'); Anne

wanted to be Henry's wife � oh, and queen of England too. Various for-

eign ministers thought her neck was too long, her mouth too wide and

her `bosom not much raised', but her long black hair was to die for and

Henry was captivated. Think Genevieve Bujold in Anne of the Thousand

Days. She bore Henry his second daughter, Elizabeth.

Jane Seymour (married Henry 30 May 1536, aged 27, died October

1537): Even before Henry had officially tired of Anne he started flirting

with Jane Seymour, who was a lady-in-waiting to both the king's first two

wives. The marriage took place only 11 days after Anne's execution and

Jane gave birth to Henry's much wanted son, Edward, at Hampton Court

on 12 October 1537. Twelve days later she was dead from the all-too-

common childbed fever and Henry, broken-hearted of course, was on

the lookout for a replacement.

Anne of Cleves (married Henry January 1540, aged 25, annulled June

1540). So far, home-grown wives like Anne and Jane hadn't proved a

great success, so Henry let Thomas Cromwell suggest Anne of Cleves.

This was a purely political marriage because her father John was an

opponent of Charles V, the Catholic king of Spain. Cromwell and others

hoped that Anne would have some influence on Henry, but they got it

hopelessly wrong. She was homely to say the least � Henry called her

his `Flanders Mare' only partially because she came from that part of

Europe. She had pock-marked skin and spoke virtually no English. In

the Private Lives of Henry VIII all Charles Laughton's Henry does in

bed with Anne is play cards! Henry annulled his marriage to Anne after

six months.

Catherine Howard (married Henry secretly November 1540, aged 17,

beheaded 13 February 1542). Henry's fifth wife was well connected, the

grand-daughter and niece of two powerful dukes of Norfolk, and she

herself was a clever woman and a shrewd politician. We don't know if

this marriage was ever consummated but Henry became doubtful of

Catherine's fidelity and found a way to remove her for good.

Catherine Parr (married Henry 12 July 1543, aged 31; she outlived

Henry). Most of the time she acted as Henry's nurse � so, see later in

this chapter.

Playing Away from Home

The number of his wives and the size of his codpiece have led to the reputa-

tion of Henry as a stud. In 30 years he made four women pregnant and three

of them were queens of England and his wives at the time.

Although Henry certainly had mistresses � it was expected of a king � he

wasn't the sex god of legend and certainly nothing like the drooling Sid James

in Carry On Henry!

During the Middle Ages and into the Renaissance, the nobility were obsessed

with the idea of courtly love, in which men wrote poetry, women sighed and

accepted presents and everybody flirted for England. In reality, marriages

were dynastic, arranged by greedy fathers (like Henry VII himself) to make

strong alliances and build huge power bases. What's love got to do with it?

Playing away I � the other Boleyn girl

Mary was the elder daughter of Sir Thomas Boleyn of Hever Castle in Kent.

The memorial brass of this social climber is still on show at St Peter's Church

there, so check it out. It must be something of a record to have a king bed-

ding both your daughters. The fact that Mary was already married to William

Carey didn't bother Henry unduly � after all, the man was only a gentleman

of the king's Chamber. Mary may have become pregnant by Henry, but if so

it ended in a miscarriage, and the king passed on, with potentially disastrous

results, to her feisty little sister Anne.

Playing away II � Bessie Blount

Henry may have turned to Bessie Blount (pronounced Blunt) after disap-

pointment when Catherine gave birth to Mary in 1516. Elizabeth Blount was

related to the queen's chamberlain and Court gossips noted the pair together

at a torchlight masque. By 1518 Bessie was pregnant and Henry Fitzroy was

born at Blackmore Abbey in Essex in the spring of 1519.

Bastard sons were normally called fitz from the old Norman word, and even

had their own badge, a bend sinister, on their coats of arms. Being illegitimate

carried no shame, but a fitz couldn't legally inherit the throne. Henry Fitzroy

was kept away from Court, probably because the issue of the king siring a

legitimate heir became so acute in the early 1530s (see Chapter 5), and he

ended up as duke of Richmond and lieutenant of the north.

Leading an Active Life: Henry's Hobbies

Henry was between 6 foot and 6 foot 4 depending on which account you read,

with powerful shoulders and legs. A typical day for him was to hunt early in

the morning, often wearing out three horses in chasing stags for 30 miles. He

outshot most of his bowmen at the butts (target range) and played cards and

dice into the early hours. He also ate and drank an enormous amount, but

still found time to attend mass five times a day. 64 Part II: Handling Henry VIII

Jousting for boys and men

As he got older and heavier, Henry needed slower, larger horses to carry him.

He was a good judge of horseflesh, even referring to his fourth wife, Anne of

Cleves, as his `Flanders Mare'.

Jousts took place in the lists, which were open spaces split by a wooden bar-

rier. In tournaments two armoured knights rode at each other armed with

shields and blunted lances. This was practice for actual warfare, but the

object in a tournament was to unhorse your opponent by hitting his shield.

This was exciting and colourful entertainment for the crowd, but it could be

very dangerous. Henri II of France was killed in 1559 when a lance hit him in

the sights of his visor and smashed into his brain.

Henry's first tournament as king lasted several days and he won various

prizes. After all, who's going to be brave enough to knock a king off his horse?

In 1524 at Greenwich tilt yard Henry took part in a war game, a mock siege of

the temporary Castle of Loyaltie; his head was hit by the duke of Suffolk and

his helmet was filled with lance splinters.

Many of Henry's suits of armour still survive � check them out at the Royal

Armouries, Leeds and the Tower of London � and you can measure his body

from them. The first suits have a 19-inch waist measurement, the later ones

54 inches. There were all sorts of sniggering comments on the size of his cod-

piece (iron jockstrap) � boasting again!

A-hunting he would go

After the lists hunting was tame stuff, but the king and his courtiers took it

very seriously, covering miles in a day with hawks and dogs. They rode pal-

freys (saddle horses) and chased deer and wild boar in the huge royal parks

like Greenwich and Hampton Court (see Figure 3-1). Henry also set up hunt-

ing lodges at Langley in Oxfordshire and Sunninghill in Berkshire. The king

had a reputation for being in good humour in the hunt, so if you wanted to

get anything out of him, like a title, job or piece of land, raising the question

while trotting alongside him was a good time to do it.

Hunting with the king was a huge honour and it was almost the last sport

Henry gave up shortly before his death.

I'll see your three castles and raise you!

Henry enjoyed many games that he made illegal for his subjects � cards and

dice among them. One of the most popular card games was Cent, later called

Piquet, and we know the king liked to play with Richard Hill, the sergeant of

the royal cellar. Above all, Henry liked to gamble � the English vice � and, like

his father, he sometimes lost heavily. Whether Hill got rich isn't recorded. Chapter 3: Being Bluff King Hal: Henry VIII 65

H a tfiel d

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Figure 3-1: Locations of the principal N onsuch

Tudor Extent of Tudor London

palaces.

`Who but my lady greensleeves?'

Like all Renaissance princes, Henry was taught to play various instruments

as a child and he had a good singing voice. He played the lute and wrote

melodies as well as solemn dirges for the mass. Okay, so he probably didn't

write Greensleeves, but his love letters to Anne Boleyn suggest he had all the

talents of a born lyricist.

His Court orchestra, made up largely of French and Italian performers, played

at masques, balls and public feasts. The Bassano family provided his best

singers, and because Francis I, the king of France, was tone deaf, he couldn't

compete with Henry on that score.

Henry set up the Chapel Royal Choir � 30 men and 20 boys � who followed

the king around as he visited his various palaces � Greenwich, Nonsuch,

Whitehall, Hampton Court. The king and his chief minister, Cardinal Thomas

Wolsey, vied with each other in their choirs, sending scouts all over the

country to see whether Britain Had Talent. Dionysius Memo, the organist of

St Mark's in Venice whom Henry employed, was reckoned to be the best per-

former in Europe.

Did you hear the one about . . . ?

It was a brave man who didn't laugh at the king's jokes, but for entertainment

value Henry hired professionals. Top of the stand-ups was Patch, Wolsey's

jester or fool, who was well paid by the king in the 1530s; but Will Somers is

better known, perhaps because his glasses can still be found on the ram's

horn helmet given to Henry by Maximilian I of Austria. Somers openly criti-

cised the king's appointments and his over-eating, either of which would've

sent other men to the block.

Growing Old (Not So) Gracefully:

The Ageing Henry VIII

The years 1527�1533 were dominated by the king's `great matter' � his need

for a son. Getting rid of Catherine, marrying Anne and clashing with the pope

all led to the dissolution of the monasteries (see Chapter 6).

The 1530s didn't go too well for Henry; this was his decadus horribilis (hor-

rible decade). All right, many of his misfortunes were of his own making, but

they turned him into an increasingly morose and bitter old man. Anne Boleyn

betrayed him, he believed, by producing a daughter (Elizabeth) when what

he'd prayed for was a son. Revolting peasants in Lincolnshire objected to

Henry's hike in taxation, and in the Pilgrimage of Grace in 1536 thousands of

ordinary people had problems accepting Henry, not the pope, as head of the

Church (see Chapter 4).

Above all, Henry felt lost. God hadn't given him a son and the pope had

excommunicated him. He was halfway to hell already.

Tennis, anyone?

No, not everyone. Jousting and hunting on using the walls rather like modern squash. You

horseback were noble pursuits � who else had used your hands as racquets and the balls had

the time and money? � and tennis followed suit. no bounce. In 1522 Henry played doubles with

Henry played the game at Baynard's Castle Charles V against the prince of Orange and

in London and many of the nobility had tennis the marquis of Brandenburg. The result was a

courts in their houses. This was `real' or `royal' draw � `you can't be serious' � after 11 games.

tennis, played on semi-covered courts and Chapter 3: Being Bluff King Hal: Henry VIII 67

Come dine with me Henry's first meal of the day was dinner, which spread honey on many of his meals. No sign began at 10 a.m. or earlier. He was fond of beef, of five-a-day here, even though apples, pears, mutton, capons and pigeons. He ate wheat and strawberries, cherries, damsons, peaches, rye bread and loved oysters. He was also partial oranges, figs and grapes were available and to sticky puddings, pastries and biscuits, and popular.

Climb up on my knee, sonny boy!

At last Henry's prayers were answered and on 12 October 1537 Jane Seymour

gave birth to a boy, Edward. The sting in the tale was that she died of compli-

cations 12 days later. The boy showed promise � he was clever and bookish,

inheriting the old man's academic abilities, and Henry had plans to marry the

lad off to Mary, the daughter of James V of Scotland.

Unwieldy lies the body

that wears the crown

Henry VIII is often listed as one of many famous people who died of syphilis.

Medical experts have studied the records carefully and we can now carry out

a virtual autopsy on the king.

No one had any idea about balanced diets in the 16th century and Henry

enjoyed his food and drink. Banquets were huge and frequent, and meals,

often taken late at night, placed a great emphasis on red wine and meat. It was

treason (punishable by death) to speculate on the king's health � who'd be a

royal physician?

Here's a breakdown of Henry's health over the years:

He showed no signs of the tuberculosis that killed his father, brother

and both sons.

He had a skin rash for two months in 1514 (aged 23). He may have had

secondary syphilis, but other facts imply he didn't have it � for instance,

his daughter Mary, his mistress Bessie Blount and his son Henry showed

no symptoms.

He picked up malaria in 1521 (aged 30) and suffered intermittently for

the rest of his life. 68 Part II: Handling Henry VIII

He got several potentially serious knocks jousting, hunting and wres-

tling, one of which allegedly made Anne Boleyn miscarry from worry.

He packed on the weight and took less exercise from about 1535 (aged

46 � middle-aged spread!).

One of his legs (we don't know which one) became ulcerated and caused

great pain and fever. This may have been caused by a jousting acci-

dent or was a sign of osteitis (bone infection), which later affects other

organs.

His mood swings increased from 1540 (aged 49 � male menopause!) and

he suffered occasional lapses of memory.

By 1546, with less than a year left, the king's servants had to move him

from room to room or onto his horse using a lifting apparatus (even in

the winter, in the last year of his life, he sat in the saddle of his horse,

wrapped up against the cold, watching others chase the stags he'd once

hunted). His eyesight was failing.

The king is dead � long live the king

In the end, you have to feel sorry for Henry. He had no friends and a string

of ghastly relationships behind him. Both his sons were to die young and

he had no faith at all in daughters to carry on his dynasty. The last time a

woman ruled England (Matilda in the 12th century) a civil war to get rid of

her ensued.

Henry died in his own bed on 28 January 1547, probably of renal and hepatic

failure. He was 56 and had reigned for 37 years.

The sixth wife: Catherine Parr

Nursing the king through his last years was politics to Henry in a way that no one else did.

no job for the faint-hearted. Henry could be It may have been because of her that Henry's

extreme in his temper tantrums, screaming will organised the succession to the throne

at people with his high, reedy voice, and his to include his daughters Mary and Elizabeth

ulcers smelt horrible. Catherine was a widow should Edward die childless. Prophetic or

and the daughter of Thomas Parr of Kendal. She what? Catherine married again after Henry, but

was intelligent and cultured and dared to talk died in childbirth at Sudeley Castle in 1548.