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Authors: Stephanie Perry Moore

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BOOK: The Way We Roll
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When we entered the dark room, I felt like I was in a church sanctuary. The candles were glowing all over—there had to be over one hundred. We were walking on a white silk aisle that had lily petals scattered throughout. It was a breath of fresh air.
“These strong black women are proud in their own right, ready to make a difference. I am humble that you stand ready to replace the
I
in your life—the self-centered part of you—with Pi, a piece of our grand sorority. That you may embrace the sisterhood no matter how difficult it may be. The love for your Pi sisters will always be real, will always be deep, will always be pure. Please take the washcloth, place it in the basin, and cleanse your face clean. May that be the symbol of the first big step you will take toward our sisterhood.”
Together we recited, “We are stronger when our bond is genuine.” Though I said the words, I had no idea if that would ring true in my heart.
 
After the ceremony, everyone in the place gathered around my mother. You would have thought she was famous or something. I mean, she wasn't the pope or the President of the United States, but they were certainly treating her like royalty. For goodness sake, she was just my mom, but I had to remember that to them she was their leader. She certainly was a true picture of grace and dignity. A part of me really appreciated all that she was as I watched her sincerely give every person time. This was more than just some job to her. This was her duty, her calling, her core.
“Okay, so you can introduce me anytime,” this little annoying voice said from behind.
I didn't have to turn to see that it was Tammie with an
I-E.
I walked right over to my mom, and she acknowledgedme right off. I didn't have to wait or anything. I actuallyfelt special.
“Mom, this is Tammie.”
“One of your line sisters, wonderful,” my mom said as she gave the short, self-assured girl a quick hug. “Tammie, I know it's been a little bumpy having three more people added to the line, but embrace all the passengers, because the airplane is in the air now. I know you
all
will soar to greatness together.”
I wasn't a dummy. My mom was trying to make sure my line sister knew she expected them to welcome me. She was a lioness protecting her cub, but I wanted to roar on my own. I tried to walk away and give them space, but my mom tugged at my hand.
“Yes, ma'am,” Tammie said. “I just want to say that my mom is a Beta, and she said you're the best president in the sorority's history.”
“Oh, wow, I don't know about that, but I'd like to meet your mom soon.”
“We're from Mississippi. I'll tell her,” Tammie said excitedly.
“Please do that. National Convention will be in Biloxi this year.”
When I went to walk away again, my mom squeezed my hand. I just stood there looking for a second. She was introducing me to ladies in the graduate chapter that were on the advisery council for Alpha chapter. Everyone was so nice, which was a big contrast to the Alpha chapter sorors themselves who were over in a corner, mad as a kid on Christmas with not one toy. But I wasn't Santa Claus or their parents, so I didn't care that they were upset. I was on the line, and they were gonna have to deal with it.
“Okay, look here.” Tammie came up to me and handed me a note as my mom got caught up socializing. “We're meeting at this address in thirty minutes. Come with your two friends. We've gotta work out this whole line thing.”
“Are the big sisters gonna be there?” I asked, wanting no part of any underground junk.
“It's just us. I told you I was gonna give you some insideinformation. Come, all right?”
 
“Oh, my gosh! I'm going to my first meeting,” Torian said, all giddy in the car twenty minutes later. Loni and I were both skeptical.
“I'm just telling you now, if those big sisters are there, I'm gonna turn right around and leave,” I said.
“I'm driving, so you'll be walking home,” Torian said.
“No, I'm serious, Torian. I'm not planning to get caught up in all that. It's not why I want to be a Beta.”
“You don't even know why you want to do it,” she said. “Y'all just want to be paper.”
“And what is paper?” I asked.
“When you go through not one part of hazing and automaticallybecome a member of the sorority.”
I leaned forward into the front seat and said, “Grand chapter sets rules by laws and covenants; it's meaningful stuff. If it's good enough for them to say that's all you gotta do to be a Beta, it's good enough for me. I'm fine with paper. I'm just telling you, if there's any drama, I'm leaving.And if you got a problem with it, I'm taking your keys, or I'll walk home.”
Torian gave in and lightly pushed my shoulders backward.“All right, all right, all right.”
We arrived at the address and walked into a classroom in the science hall. No lights were on, except in the room we had stepped into. The seven girls on our line were there and stared at us like we'd done something awful. I knew I should have stayed at home. Shoot!
“The meeting started five minutes ago,” said the girl who had stood right in front of me on the line.
“What's your name?” I asked her, already annoyed.
“I'm Jaden, and I already know you're Malloy. Come in. They're here, y'all. Okay, well, here's the bottom line,” Jaden said as she ushered us in. “I'm not asking because I've been voted the Line President. If you want some respectand credibility, we're gonna have to haze you guys to get you up to speed on all we've been going through.”
“Are you crazy?” I said without flinching. “Why would I let y'all touch me? I don't need your respect. Plus, I never voted you president.”
Jaden smirked and said, “It was unanimous with the seven of us real pledges. We didn't need your vote for me to hold this position.”
“No, I'm sorry. You guys aren't gonna touch me either,”Loni said.
“Come on, guys, we can do this,” Torian said in a desperatetone, trying to convince us.
“Girl, you can do this. I don't want nothing that bad, and I don't have to do this to get it.” I turned around and walked toward the door.
“I'm Maxine. The Line Vice President. You walk out of here, and you're never coming back into the fold with us. We went through a lot and the seven of us have discussedit. You all need to go through something to be even with what we've done.”
I kept walking.
“I'm talking to you,” the Maxine girl said as she grabbed my hand.
I snatched it quickly away from her. “I have always known this sisterhood thing was something that wasn't even really obtainable. Some myth about a tight bond. You've just proven my point. You touch me ever again and the crap the Betas are putting you through will be nothingcompared to the beat-down I'll give your tail.”
I walked out, and Loni quickly followed. I was so angry. Those girls had some nerve. Loni turned around and said to Torian, “Come on. Malloy's right. They ain't gonna beat us up. This is crazy.”
Torian came out reluctantly as Maxine said, “You guys just ostracized yourselves. You've made a huge mistake.”
9
PREGNANT
“
H
ow can we grow and be a part of all they're doing if we're not in the mix?” Torian said to Loni and myself as we drove home from the private meetingwith our line sisters that had gone nowhere. “I wanna go back.”
“You driving back?” Loni asked like it was just okay with me if they turned the car around and went back and subjected themselves to torture. “I've thought about it. Torian has a point, Malloy.” Loni tried rationalizing with me. “I mean, we wanna be a part of the sorority, but we don't wanna go through everything it takes to actually be in it. What's a little shove or a little verbal abuse gon' do? It's not gonna hurt me. It's not gonna break me. But if it's gonna make them respect me, it's fine. Come on.”
“You guys take me home now,” I demanded.
“I knew she wouldn't do it,” Torian said under her breath.
“You guys shouldn't want to do it either. Bottom line, there is more than one way to do something. If y'all participate,who knows what'll happen? I'm sure you'll be in for more than you can handle.”
“Well, Malloy, that's easy for you to say,” Torian said as she pulled up to my apartment building. “Your mom is the National President. You don't have to go through everything to get your respect.”
“Please, they treat me just like they treat you guys, and do you see me care?”
Loni said, “Not now, but I can see them coming around to you a lot more easily than they would to us.”
“Well, my mom is not gonna be the National President forever.”
Torian said, “Yeah, but by that time we'd be sorors in an alumnae chapter, graduated, and working on our careersor something. Nobody will care then.”
“Exactly. So you'd rather go through whatever foolishnessthey want you to experience now, when in a few years it won't even matter? You can't even see the bigger picture. We're in this to make a difference to the community. And how can we do that with somebody beating us up? Especiallyfrom girls that don't even have their letters.”
“I just don't think it's going to be like that,” Torian said. “It's a lot of talk. You saw those girls—everybody looked fine. Nobody's been abused.”
“Fine! Y'all go back.” I got out of the car, and steam blew from both my ears. When I got to my door, I couldn't get my key out fast enough. I didn't know all my neighbors, but this big guy was walking in my direction. It was dark, so I couldn't see his face. Nervously I dropped my keys. When I picked them up, the body was in my space.
“It's me, babe, don't be scared,” Kade said as he put his arms around my waist.
“Oh, my God, I was about to head inside, grab a lamp or something, and knock you over the head. Why didn't you tell me you were coming?”
“I didn't know how long you'd be with all that sororitystuff. Plus, I sent you a text.”
We headed straight to my bed, and his kisses warmed my soul. I'd actually forgotten I was so upset. Girl drama was stressing me out. Kade was helping me unwind.
Breaking away from his embrace, I said, “You just don't know how much I needed this.”
“I gotta confess. I need to be with you, too,” he said.
I could feel the desire of how bad he wanted me comingfrom his every word. I sat up in the bed and held him. He hung his head low, and I knew he hadn't come all this way for sex. He needed a pep talk.
I stroked his head and asked, “What's going on with you?”
“I'm nervous about this game. I haven't been a hundredpercent since I got hurt, and more scouts are coming to check me out. There's talk that I'm losing my step. I don't know. I mean, maybe I am.”
It almost felt like I was holding my own baby. But I appreciatedhim needing me in a way I'd never seen before. He was so vulnerable, as though whatever I said could make or break his hopes and belief in himself. Knowing our bond was deepening, I said only what a girl wanting to uplift her man could say.
“Honey, you're the bomb. You gon' shine in whatever you do. So let the scouts come. They'll be in for a show.”
He took both his hands and cupped my face, pulling my lips toward his. Everything at that point felt so good.
“I want you, but I just want to snuggle tonight,” he said.
I knew that having Kade sleep over wasn't God's plan for my life. I mean, I wasn't married. Kade didn't see that coming anytime in the near future. But I knew the way my heart felt for him. So how could I refuse a cuddle?
 
I was on my way to my second gem ceremony that was to focus on sisterhood. The whole idea of it felt contrived. I actually felt a little sad, though I knew I had made the right decision not to participate in any of the hazing crazinessthat wasn't supposed to be happening in the first place. I was a loner. And though that was the way it had been most of my teen years, I was pledging a sorority, for goodness sake. Even though I didn't want to admit it to myself, part of me wanted to belong.
I liked the first gem ceremony we had had a few days before. The focus had been on leadership, and it moved me to want to be the best leader I could be and always work with what I had. I'd had no idea how this first gem ceremony would affect my soul.
The only time I had talked to or seen Loni and Torian the last two weeks had been when we were doing the things with the adviser. A part of me resented that they had pulled back, but like all my other friendships, they eventually ended. I didn't know why I had thought this time would be any different.
As we lined up to go to the ceremony, I smiled at Loni and Torian, and they looked away. If it was like that, I understood. I'd never make a gesture again.
Tammie came from the front of the line and sashayed her way over to one of the big sisters. After she whisperedsomething to her, Tammie came over to me.
She whispered, “Your girls just wanted me to tell you they love you and they care about you, but they gotta keep it like this so the big sisters won't get on them. You're able to talk to me. I've been kissing big sisters' butts for three and a half years. I'm a senior. I know all their dirt, and I helped them all make it through the line. They owe me. I do what I want to do. You were looking a little sad, so I just wanted to tell you—”
“I'm not looking sad. I'm fine,” I said, completely denouncingwhat I knew I was feeling.
The only instructions we'd had before coming here was to fast all day—the cleansing of the soul to get us ready to begin the richness of the gem. There weren't many alumnaesorors here. Only the main adviser and the Alpha chapter Betas.
The vibe in the room for me not sisterly. I got mean stares from the Betas. And one girl made a fist. Though I had several issues with Hayden, after everything she had gone through with her own line, I would have thought she would have been a by-the-books sort of girl. Now she was condoning an underground line. It was just hard to swallow. But she did have a presence about herself when she read for the ritual.
Putting aside the personal issues, listening to her words, I was mesmerized when Hayden said, “Sisterhood is a bond with your soror that is as deep as a natural birth connection. The common thread that keeps you together is that you share a love for Beta Gamma Pi. Though you may have your differences, or you may not see eye to eye and agree with a soror's action, you love her at all times because that genuine connection never fails. Sisterhood is an evolving process of growth.”
The adviser stood and continued reading. “When you're going through hard times, and you don't know who to turn to, call your sister. When the pain just hurts, and it seems you can't bounce back, the one to call first is your sister. When you think no one will understand, go and get your sister's hand and tell your sister. Not only when you want to cry. Go get your sister so she can help you becomenew and fill you with love that will get you back afloat. Your sister is your greatest treasure.”
Big sister Dena, who was under five-two, took a loaf of wheat bread and held it upward. She asked Tammie to take a piece. Then everyone in line after that took a piece of the loaf.
Hayden said, “As you all get nourished from the same grain, now your line is one.”
As moving as all that was, an hour later I was home by myself. I knew they were having more underground stuff going on.
“Hey,” I said to Sirena after I'd gotten her four text messages about asking me to come over to get some of her stew. She'd always make me a pot of this or bring me a plate of that. I knew the girl could throw down, and I guess I just needed the company. But it felt a little weird as she stared me down. Finally I had to ask, “What? What are you looking at?”
Swatting her hand at me, she said, “No, no, you're just so cute. I just wish I had style like that. That's all.”
“Oh, girl, please. I wish I could cook like you,” I said as I stuffed myself with her stew.
Then I heard banging outside. It seemed like it was comingfrom my place. Sirena rushed over to her front door and yelled, “She's not home!”
“Who is that?” I said, perplexed.
Without looking, Sirena said, “Ugh, it's late. Don't nobodyneed to be over at your house at this time.”
Going over to the door myself, I said, “Girl, you can't make that call. I think someone is at my house.”
“But we were eating.”
“I'm sorry. I'll come back if I can. Dang.” I opened up the door to leave.
“Oh, I—I—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be pushy,” Sirena said.
It was almost eerie how clingy she was becoming. But when I turned toward my front door, I was stunned. There stood Loni holding Torian, who was bleeding from her nose.
Knowing the answer already, I asked, “Who did this?” “I left. I can't take anymore. They hit her. Bad,” Loni said as I opened my door and went inside.
Why they had come to me for help, I didn't know. But something I wasn't familiar with kicked in, and I was genuinelyconcerned for my friend. I couldn't turn them away. Somehow we were going to figure this out. The Betas had lost their minds.
After we got Torian straight, I grabbed the keys out of Loni's hand. “Let's go.”
“No, you can't say anything to them,” Torian said, holding her head in the air.
I didn't turn around. This had gone too far. Just a little push here, just a little shove there. A few harsh words. Whatever. We'd just stopped blood from profusely streamingfrom her nose. We all got in Loni's ride, and I took off, thinking I'd find the Betas even if Loni didn't give me directions.
“The whole two weeks have just been way too much,” Loni confessed. “I wanted to walk away so many times, but I stayed because Torian felt like we should.”
I asked, “Who actually hit you? Was it Sharon?” “Girl, we haven't even seen Sharon. Somebody said she's sick,” Loni said in a salty tone.
“It was a couple girls from the University of SoutheasternArkansas and some beast named Keisha.”
“So y'all were with their line?”
Loni said, “Yeah, we're supposed to be with their line next week, too. Turn right there.”
“Don't tell her where to go,” Torian said to Loni.
“No, this is crazy. They need to be stopped for real.” We arrived and I got out of the car and went inside, Torianand Loni right behind me.
The room was scorching hot, and it wasn't summertime. It was funky in there as well. All the Betas were hovering over the pledges like they were about to beat them down.
I saw Dena and another girl named Audria. Forget big sisters and all that protocol junk, because they didn't have my respect and I wasn't going to pretend like it was there. I boldy said, “Where's Hayden?”
“She's not here,” Dena said, rolling her eyes. I wanted to smash her for allowing my girl to get beat.
BOOK: The Way We Roll
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