The Way We Were (11 page)

Letter #9

Dearest Ana,

Words can’t express how bad I feel for what happened two days ago. I hate living in a hotel away from you, you won’t accept my calls and you refuse to talk to me at work, threatening a scene. I’m
so sorry. I was weak, stupid, piggish. I know the pain I’ve caused you is deep and slicing. I know that this comes at a horrible time, because the guys’ deaths are still so raw, even after a year. And I won’t rationalize what I did. The only thing I will say about it are these two things: this is not your fault. None of your issues caused my betrayal. And second, I still love you. I loved you through
it all. Please, give me a second chance.

“Did Mom call again?” Opal asked as she pulled back the covers and climbed into bed.

“No. I told you that her scholarship meeting was going to go into the night, with dinner.”

“Okay. I’m tired. Mom probably is, too.”

“Yeah. I plan to lie down until she gets home.”

Opal looked at the clock. “It’s only eight.”

He smiled.
“Baby, you can hardly keep your eyes open. Neither can I.”

“Yeah. Will that go away, Dad?”

“Give it time, Opalinski. You were pretty sick. And you had a huge day. You’ll get your stamina back soon.”

“Tell Mom to come and kiss me, even if I’m asleep,” she said, sliding down into the covers.

“You got it, baby.”

He was on his way to the spare room, but bypassed hers, no damn it,
theirs. Deciding to wait for her in there, he stretched out on the bed and stared at the space that had been the site of so much intimacy and connection on the rawest level, as well as the site of the worst possible kind of schism. For the hundredth time, he wondered if he’d been a little more patient, and not such a weak jerk—aka like Arthur Dimmesdale—he might have been able to work them out
of the abyss they’d fallen into.

But he hadn’t been that man. Was he today? He thought of Valerie’s note, which he hadn’t told Ana about. Or responded to. He’d tried to but couldn’t find the words during the hectic morning. Shit. Why did this have to happen now?

His eyes closed and he waited for his wife.

“Why are you whispering?” Opal smiled up at Ana, who’d gone in to wake her for school. Lying in bed, her eyes sleepy, she looked so young and vulnerable, like she used to when she was a baby in the crib.

“Because Dad’s not up yet. He’s worn out.”

Ana had come home at ten. Both he and Opal were sound asleep. Instead of waking Jared, she’d changed into
pajamas, lay down beside him and covered them. She’d awoken with his arms wrapped around her. It had felt so good she strengthened her resolve.

“Fix me pancakes?”

“Sure. Get cleaned up and dressed.”

“You okay, Mom?” Opal asked when she came down in jeans and a sweatshirt from Sofia’s yoga studio.

“I am. You’re healthy, which is the most important thing right now.” This was a conclusion
she’d come to yesterday.

“Yeah, we had great news.”

Some of it,
Ana thought.

They made small talk while Ana cooked, and ate the blueberry pancakes she prepared.

Opal finished her stack and pushed her plate away. “Remember, Stephanie’s mother is picking me up this morning.”

“Yes, I remember.” She pulled her robe tighter around her. Ana was going to stay home and talk to Jared.

After bidding her daughter good-bye, and since she planned to go in late again, Ana went to call up her email on her phone. But her cell was dead. Opal took her tablet to school, and the house computer was in her bedroom. Maybe she’d just use Jared’s phone or computer to check in at work.

In the den, she sat down at the desk he’d been using. Once the room had been his, and the fact that
his books and papers were spread across the surface, his glasses on top of them, felt right. He’d left the machine on all night. Hmm. He must have forgotten to turn it off and fallen asleep. She took a cursory glance at the screen. His email was up.

Ana froze. A name she hadn’t seen in years appeared for the second time in two days. Valerie Ashford. His lover had sent Jared an email.

Did you know about it?
John had asked.

No.

Does Jared?

He hasn’t said anything to me if he does.

But he did know. And he hadn’t told Ana. She checked the date on the incoming message. Yesterday.

Her mind went back to their encounter last night. He’d stopped kissing her, touching her.
We have to talk.
And then, “I got an…”

She breathed a little easier. Okay, he’d probably
planned to tell her. But could she be sure? She’d ask him. This time, she wasn’t going off on an emotional rampage. But she also couldn’t turn a blind eye. So she read the email. And came to the last paragraph.

But know above and beyond those reasons, it seems like the time to face you again. I love you, Jared, I have for the two years we’ve been apart. Nothing has changed for me. Would I
like to pick up where we left off? Of course. I’ll contact you when I reach campus for summer orientation.

Ana took in a deep breath. Valerie had been against the split. And she wanted him back. She loved him. She…

“I was going to tell you last night.” The deep rumble of Jared’s voice came from behind her. “But then the scare with Opal happened.”

She swiveled around. Her entire body
reacted to the sight of him, sleep rumpled, rough beard, his pajama bottoms snug at the waist. He was bare chested.

“I see,” she finally managed to say.

He watched her. “Tell me, Ana, are you going to react like you did before?”

“What do you mean?”

“You kicked me out when you found out about the affair.”

“Excuse me? Are you going to have an affair with Valerie Ashford when
she gets back to town?”

“Of course I’m not. But I want to know if this time you’re going to fight for us.”

His tone was disconcerting. “Are you saying I should have fought for our marriage last time?”

“Absolutely.”

“And you’re mad that I didn’t?”

“Of course I am. We had issues other than the affair.”

“Issues you solved by screwing someone else. Who, I imagine, could respond
appropriately.”

His eyes burned. God, was he right?

She was out of her depth here. Her initial reaction was fury that Jared was angry about her response to his adultery the last time. Though she knew in her heart he suffered terrible guilt. But she bit her tongue. Whenever she thought about the horror of that year, she felt ill. Like right now. Her hand went to her stomach. “I-I don’t
want to say the wrong thing.”

He softened immediately. Coming inside, he reached the chair and knelt before her. “I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I’m not sure where all that came from. I thought I’d dealt with it.” He nodded to the computer. “But the email resurrected a lot for me as well as you.”

“Obviously.” She couldn’t believe her voice was so even when her insides were churning like a washing
machine on spin cycle.

He grasped her hands. She let him. “Ana, we have a lot to fight for. We were on our way to making love last night. You responded just fine.”

“I know that. But how can I trust what’s between us? This probably would have come up without the email, but what if last night was a fluke? Or what if Valerie coming back ruins everything? Jared, I’m not sure I can endure losing
you again. And I won’t put Opal through that.”

“Damn it, Ana. Don’t do this again. Don’t push me away because you’re afraid. And hurt. I’m afraid. And hurt, too. We’ll conquer this together.”

She wanted that so badly. “I need some time to think. Some time away from you.”

“No, that’s the worst thing we should do. We need to be together.”

“I can’t do that right now, Jared, I’m sorry.”

He rose quickly. Looking down at her, he shook his head. “I can’t believe this.” He walked out of the room, his head down, his shoulders slumped.

Ana just sat there and stared after him.

At the end of her morning class, Sofia was overcome by an ominous feeling. Something was wrong somewhere. So when the students exited, she turned off all the lights in the studio, sat
in lotus position and tried to meditate. She had to get rid of the negative vibes. After a half hour, they had not dissipated. So she tried to be analytical. Most likely, her feelings concerned Opal. What was the day they were going to get her kidney checked for function? Sofia didn’t know. Mentally she reviewed her schedule. She had a session after lunch. She checked her watch. Ten a.m. She could
call Ana and just check this out. But she wouldn’t.

In the office, she found the teacher who had a ten-thirty session. “Joni, I have to go out. I hope to be back for my class after lunch but if I’m not, could you possibly cover it?”

“Yes, I’m free all day. Let me know. Do what you have to do.”

Sofia took the back stairs up to her apartment. As calmly as she could, she dressed in warm
slacks and a sweater, slipped on boots and a heavy coat and was in her car driving to Brooklyn in five minutes. She did manage to blank her mind and calm her stomach until she got there, was in the elevator and on Ana’s floor. Then the worry returned. From the entrance to the admissions suite, she saw Ana’s door was open. Please, universe, don’t let her be out. Damn, Sofia should have called.

Just then, though, she caught sight of Ana coming down the hall. Her whole body shouted tension, and her face was pale, etched with worry. “Sofia?” Ana’s voice was hoarse. And tears formed in her eyes.

Sofia grasped her arm.

“It’s not Opal,” Ana whispered.

“Thank God.”

Leading her sister back into her office, Sofia closed the door, and Ana collapsed into her arms. “Go ahead
and cry. I’m here.”

When she’d gotten the emotion out, Ana pulled back. “How did you know something was wrong?”

“I’m not sure. I just knew. I came right over.”

They sat on Ana’s couch.

“Honey, you can tell me anything and I won’t judge.”

“You don’t have a judgmental bone in your body. Or a nasty one. You’re so good, Sof.”

“Then I want to know.”

“Know what?”

“Everything
you’ve been keeping from the family.”

“Do you have all day?”

“If necessary.”

Ana scrubbed her face.

“Ana, please. Let me help you. You’ve taken care of me all my life. Let me be here for you on this. And I swear it’ll be confidential.”

“It’s not that.”

“What is it then?”

“I—” She looked away. “I’m embarrassed. And ashamed. And today, I’m angry.”

“Then use that anger
to tell me what’s happened to you.”

“All right.” She sat back against the pillows. “I have to start right after the guys died.”

“You stayed with us for three months.”

“I did and it caused problems in my marriage.”

Though Sofia would be surprised if it was true, she asked anyway. “Couldn’t Jared handle you being with your family?”

“No, he could handle that. But he was hurting,
too, Sof. Donnie and Peter were his best friends.”

“I’m not sure any of us were sensitive to that.”

“I should have been. Instead, I pushed him away, I abandoned him, basically.”

“He could have let you know what was happening. Tried to stop it.”

“He did. He wanted to talk about it. He wrote me letters all our lives together, even more during that time. Begging, really, to let him
share in the grief with me. I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“I fell back into the surrogate-mother role. The one that was comfortable.”

“We usually revert to what’s comfortable in crises.”

“You did. You went into yourself again.”

“I know. What happened when you went back home?”

“Instead of getting better, things got worse.” She explained in halting sentences their inability to get close.
“We took things slow, but eventually, when we tried to be intimate, I couldn’t respond.”

“Oh, Ana, I’m so sorry. But surely you read things about how the libido is affected by grief.”

“Yes. But it went on for months.”

“Did you get help?”

“I couldn’t tell this to my family. How could I tell a stranger?”

“In some ways, sweetie, that’s easier.”

“So, eventually, Jared found
someone else.”

“Is that what he said about his affair?” Sofia thought the man had more honor than that. “If so, he’s a horrible person to blame that on you.”

“No, he
never
blamed me. He said he was weak, imperfect and made a mistake.”

That was better. “Where do things stand now?”

She explained about Valerie Ashford’s email. Jared not telling her. Finding it on his server.

“And this morning, he got mad. Last night, before Opal woke up, we were on our way to some pretty hot lovemaking.”

“Hold on. Back up. I thought—”

“Apparently, I might be getting over this malady.”

A ray of happiness peeked into the grim atmosphere of the office. “That’s great news. So why is he mad?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe he believes I’m going to give up on us again.”

“Is that
what you did last time?”

“I guess I did.”

“And now?”

“I’m confused. About what’s happened between us these past few weeks. About this Ashford woman coming back into our lives.”

“Well, then, let’s talk about those things.”

Jared went out running as soon he could control his anger. He had a favorite route here in the neighborhood he and Ana had chosen to raise
their children in, and he took to it. Dressed in thick fleece sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt, under which he word thermal undies, he braved the five-degree weather.

His lungs began to hurt from the cold a few minutes in. But he had to escape the house where his hopes and dreams were going into free fall—today, as they had when Ana had thrown him out.

For the hundredth time, he wished
Ana could be stronger. She was about to let the old pain bring on new pain, and he couldn’t do anything about it. Didn’t she know they were at a place in the woods, al la Robert Frost’s two paths, and they needed to take the right road. How could he convince her? Five more minutes, and he had to stop. His lungs burned. So he slowed to a walk and had a talk with himself.