The Weight of Love (12 page)

24

WORTHEN

Still 21 Months. Maybe time has stopped.

I glance around for Jaycee for the rest of the meetings, but don’t see her. I can’t believe I won’t see her for months. It feels impossible. Like there’s no way this amount of cruelty should be subjected to one person.

Now I know I’m being ridiculous, because a short separation shouldn’t be a big deal. And it wouldn’t be, if we were in a situation to talk and know how the other felt.

“Elders!” Bishop calls just before we step outside.

“Yeah.” I stop to see him coming up the hall with us.

“Can you drop this off at Sister Layton’s house? She left it here. Her sister’s there with Tom so you’re fine to go in.”

He hands me her church bag. My heart’s hitting the inside of my chest with too much force. He’s giving me a chance to say goodbye.

“Yeah, sure.” I try to act casual, but I let my eyes rest on his for a moment longer than needed. Hopefully he’ll know it’s a kind of thank you from me.

I want to run to our car.

Elder Barris is laughing at the smile on my face. I’m trying to hold it in. Really, really trying.

We pull up to her house and wait
for her at the door.

“Hey, guys. Come on in.” She smiles as she opens the door. I swear her eyes are on me more than usual. I’m thrilled.

“You forgot your bag.” I slide off my shoes and follow her inside. This is exactly why I shouldn’t be around her. I don’t care what we have going on today, where we have to be. It just doesn’t matter. I want to be here. Her oversized sweatshirt makes her look squeezable.

“You’re in luck. My sister’s here
, so you’re allowed inside.” She winks before sitting.

I
nstead of grabbing one of the two beanbags on the floor, I sit on the opposite side of the couch from her.

“Bishop said.
” Elder Barris looks at her and then at me with a slight frown on his face. I don’t think he’s thrilled with being here under these odd circumstances. He doesn’t sit.

“And you.” She turns to face me, bringing her legs up onto the couch.
“You’re leaving us for bigger and better things.”

“No.” I shake my
head. “I’m headed to Dillingham,” I tease.

“Keep your coat zipped up. That damp, windy cold is the worst.” She smirks.

“Thanks.” Everyone’s told me a different version of the same thing.

“I talked with your mom again, we’re
definitely meeting up when I get there. She’s awesome.”

I smile. “Yeah, she’s pretty great.” I’m so glad she has a relationship with her. That part of my family is going to be watching out for her means a lot.
“I’m really glad you’re getting to know each other.”

“
I don’t think it’ll take us long at all to get packed up. I gave the school my notice and it’s all happening fast.” Her eyes leave my face for the briefest second as a sign that she needs to acknowledge Elder Barris.

“Where’s Bridger? Your sister?” Elder
Barris asks.

“Oh, we were watching a movie
in my room.” She gestures to the hallway with her head.

“We shouldn’t keep you.” He starts to move.

I want to smack him even though I know he’s right.

Jaycee ignores him and looks at me again.
“So, I know your first names starts with an M. You’re not going to give in? Even though you’re leaving?”

“No.”
I shake my head. But I want to. I’m fighting for a way to explain. “I didn’t always do the right thing, you know? It took me a while to get myself together to do something I knew, at eighteen, that I needed to do, but I didn’t do it. The Lord has asked me to be Elder Worthen for two years. So, no matter what, for two years, I’m Elder Worthen. After that, I can hopefully be a better version of the other guy.”

“Sorry.”
Her face is relaxed and looks soft. “I was teasing. I didn’t mean to—”

“No, no
no.” I shake my hands between us. “I’ve been feeling a little bad about not telling you, because really, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

“But it is to you.”

“It is to me.”

“Good to know.
M Worthen.”

Elder
Barris shifts his weight toward the door. “We have an appointment.”

“Right.” I stand.

This is my last visit to her house.

“Thanks.
I’ll miss having you around.” She takes my hand.

She takes Elder
Barris’ hand briefly as well.

My heart rips apart as we step into her entry.
I slide on my shoes and pick up my coat.

She waves at us as she stands in the doorway.
I’m desperately searching her face to see how she feels—is she looking at me? How is she looking at me? I don’t know if she’s looking at me the way I want her to, or if my wishful thinking has crowded everything else. Her door closes and I open the driver’s side door and sit. My heart’s pounding in my chest, not wanting to leave when the most perfect accident occurs to me.

I sigh
. “I forgot my scriptures in the entry. I’ll be right back.”

Before
Barris has a chance to argue, I dash back to the house and open the door without knocking, my head too clouded for conscious thought.

25

JAYCEE

I wipe tears as I back away from the door.
I feel like a horrible person, who feels this way for a
missionary
? I’m counting the days until he’s done and we might have a chance at a normal conversation. Does he want that? Am I reading too much into everything?

My front door opens.
He pauses, staring, as I frantically try to wipe the tears from my face. He moves straight toward me. His arms come around me just like I’ve imagined too many times. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

I squeeze my eyes, letting
my tears fall. I pull my arms tightly around him, like I’ve known him forever. Why do things have to be the way they are? As soon as I have that thought, I know how important what he’s doing is. Crucial, vital…all my own words. He just feels so good. Better than I imagined and I imagined him pretty awesome. My cheek presses against his chest.

“I wish—
” I start to say.

“Me too.
Every day.” He pulls away and without looking at me, goes back into the entry picks up his scriptures, and walks out the door, taking what’s left of my heart with him. Can someone change you forever in that short amount of time? It feels like he has.

I sit on my old couch and let
a few tears fall, but I also let myself hope. That in itself feels like a small victory. And it’s just three months away. What could possibly happen in three months?

26

ELDER
WORTHEN

21 months.
It’s been a very, very, long two days.

I step into President Moore’s office.

“You wanted to talk before getting on the plane?”
He spins in his chair to look at me. He has a kind, round face. There isn’t a missionary out here that doesn’t like him. Not that I know of, anyway.

“Uh… yeah.” I need to. Need to get my head on straig
ht about what I’m doing, if I’ve stepped over too many boundaries.

He gestures to the chair.
“Have a seat.”

I sit across from him, and even though I know he’s here to help me, it still feels the slightest bit like sitting in the principal’s office. “Thanks,
I, uh… I know you know I needed to be transferred…” How do I start this? Shoot, I’ve done this before. It’s a lot easier than going in to talk to my bishop when I was pulling my life back together. This is just me liking a girl, not having sex with several partners over several years when I shouldn’t have. I’m still amazed I was allowed to come out.

“Bishop Allen and I had a long talk about both you and Sister Layton.” A soft smile is on the edges of his lips, his hands rest comfortably over his stomach.

“Oh.” I should have known they’d talk.

“She’s a remarkable woman.” His eyes are very intent on me. I’m getting used to this from church leadership
, and I want to be honest with him.

“
I think I love her.” Logically I know I’ve only spent hours with her. Have never done something just her and I, but when so many times I’ve felt alone with her, even in a full room… It changes how I feel.

His smile grows and then he leans his forearms on the desk. “Did you do anything that we need to talk about?”

My heart’s pounding, the noise rushes in my ears. “I left my scriptures in her entry.” I swallow hard as I think about what happened after that. How much I want a repeat. “She was in tears and I hugged her without thinking. So yeah, I guess that’s something we should talk about.”

His smile grows. “And it didn’t go further than that?”

“No.” I shake my head. “No further.”

He takes his glasses off and set them on his desk, still watching me.
“Do you want to be released early? Do you need to go home?”

I slump in something that feels like defeat. There’s a part of my brain that’s screaming for me to say yes. We’re right here. It would be so easy.
So
easy. He could release me. I could run back to Palmer. My arms could go around her again. I could be there tonight and help her move and…

I can’t do it. I’
m too close to home—to doing this the right way. And Jaycee deserves someone willing to do
everything
right.

“Of course I want to be released early. But I want to s
erve a good mission.” I swallow. My mouth is dry. This is it. I once again, made the decision to do the right thing. I know I did, and as the thought passes through my head, it also hits my heart—I know I did good.
Please, please let her feel something of the same. Just enough that she’ll give me a chance when I get home. Just enough that she won’t be otherwise taken when I get home.
The feel of her arms tightening around me are a memory I’m going to think about way too often in the next few months.

He nods and smiles
. “You’re doing a good thing here, Elder. A lot of people have learned a lot from you.”

Whoa. Huge compliment, and it means so much more coming from someone I look up to.
“Thank you.”

We stand up and he walks me out his door. “Enjoy the experience of Dillingham. I’m sure you’ll be there until the end.”

Which means I will be. “Thanks again.”

When we shake hands, it seems to once again seal my fate. I have three months left. I have no doubt it will be the longest three months of my life.
But I also have no doubt that I’m doing the right thing.

DILLINGHAM

21 months
. Still.

Elder Hales, my new companion, and I pull out of our apartment near the small church building to head to the local library. In the high school. I’m amazed there are enough students here to have a high school as well as an elementary. The crazy thing is that Dillingham is a hub for numerous native villages. We pass by one of the two gas stations, and I’m sort of in shock that this place could be a “hub” for anybody.

Hales
can’t sit still and is always shaking a leg or tapping a finger. It’s driving me crazy, but it would be ridiculous for me to ask him to stop moving.

Dill
ingham is everything promised—wet, cold, windy, and rainy. I crouch as deep in my coat as I can get while we jump from the car and dash toward the school. We walk in silence as fast as we can go without it being obvious we can’t wait to check email. I love that he’s just as anxious as me.

I sit down, and immediately start writing.

Jaycee –

Don’t let those missionaries slack off when it comes to helping you move, and don’t let them hug you goodbye—it’s completely against the rules,

Elder Worthen

It kills me not to tell her how I feel. Anything. But it’s too late, and probably for the best. Now I need to write
Mom. She sort of already knows. We’ve talked briefly. But she needs to know how important it is to me that she watch out for Jaycee. I almost don’t do it, like I shouldn’t write it or say anything out loud, but my Father in Heaven already knows exactly how I feel. Telling Mom shouldn’t be a big deal. Besides, she already knows Jaycee’s a distraction, just not how much.

Mom –

I hope Jennie, Michelle and all of you are healthy and well.
Tell Gage to get off his lazy butt and write me a letter. It’s been too long. Dillingham is about what I expected. It still amazes me people live out here. It’s frozen, windy, and still manages to be damp. The cold is like nothing I’ve experienced. Our apartment is shabby, but not terrible. I’m sure I’ll get used to my new companion, he’s new out in the field, but been in Dillingham for two rotations already so he’s kind of a know-it-all. Oh, and he has to be hyper-active. Has to be. I’m okay with that. It just gets old.

So, first I want to tell you not to worry.
I’m not going to do anything stupid. And I haven’t done anything stupid. Now I’ve probably freaked you out. I had to be transferred because of Jaycee. I said I was doing okay with her as a distraction, but she’s way more than a distraction.

I’m completely and totally in love, Mom.

Love like I’ve never felt before. It’s killing me to not be around her anymore but I know, I mean I really know, that it’s for the best. She deserves someone who’s lived their life a lot better than I’ve lived mine. My hope is that by finishing my mission the way I should, instead of running away to be with her, that I’ll be somewhat more deserving. I haven’t said anything to her. I’m not positive on where she stands.

I think back to the way her hands felt on me when I had her in my arms. There’s no mistaking that, is there?

It sounds like she’ll be in Utah shortly. I know I don’t even really need to ask, but please help her out. Watch over her until I can. If she’ll let me.

Elder Worthen

I write Jennie next and when I hit send, there’s a note from Mom.

Son –

I already figured. Love you, Proud of you. We’ve already spoken and plan to meet up as soon as she gets here. She’s amazing. I love her already.

Mom

Wow.
I sit and stare at the computer screen. Of course Mom loves her already. How could she not?

And is this it? Is it this simple?

But now another thought comes. How will I know if Jaycee even wants me around? And how can I ask?

I can’t.

I need to stop thinking about this.
It’s the exact reason we shouldn’t leave a girl back home. I shouldn’t have this distraction. I’ll keep writing to her anyway, but keep it neutral. Totally neutral…

My chest feels heavy as I stand up from the computer.
I’ll need to spend some time on my knees. My new companion will think I’m crazy, but he has so much energy you’d guess he had speed for breakfast every day. Maybe he won’t notice.

This is the point where I feel like I’m letting go of the edge
of the mountain. It wasn’t leaving for my mission. I was still climbing then. This—not saying what I want to say, not running from my commitment, not touching her the way I want to, saying goodbye—this is me letting go of the ledge and having faith that I will end up where I need to be.