The Weight of Love (10 page)

19

JAYCEE

“Mom!” Bridger’s unmistakable voice of anger, frustration and panic echoes down the hallway of the school.

I’m immediately holding back tears. I’ve already had a long talk with the principal about this
. About distracting Bridger, leaving the front desk. All of it. Now that I’m leaving, it’s sort of a mute point.

He bursts in the door of the office, comes to me and stops.
“She was holding my hands down and it was
hurting
.”

I try to get down on his level, but he still won’t look at me. “Who had your hands?”

“My-my-my teacher…” He’s sucking in his breath and almost sounds like he’s crying.

“Let’s go sit in the nurses’ office, okay?” I ask.
My heart’s in a frantic thrum and my brain isn’t working well.

“Okay.” Bridger follows me to one of the green vinyl beds where we sit down.

I know I shouldn’t be in here with him. I know they have systems for this, but I don’t know what else to do. I pull Bridger to me.

“No, M
om.” He shrugs me away.

“But…” B
ut really,
I’m
the one who needs to hold him, who needs to be held. And Bridger won’t do it.

The principal walks in the room. Bridger
and I are sitting next to one another. Close, but not too close. Because Bridger doesn’t always like to be touched. Even though I’m near desperate for it.

“I know,” I say. “We leave soon, and as soon as you find my replacement, I’ll stay home.”

“I’m not trying to chase you out, Jaycee, but I do think it’s been a distraction for Bridger to have you here. Kind of the opposite effect we’d hoped for.”

I nod. My voice won’t work. Not now.
I try to put my arm around Bridger again, but he pushes me away.

The principal walks out and I turn back to my son. “Bridger? Why don’t we walk back to class?”

“Nooo!” The choking noises are back. The nurse is very politely ignoring us from her small office.

“You can
sit under my desk,” I whisper. “But Mommy needs you to be quiet.”

He doesn’t respond. All I need to do is to get through my day without cr
ying. Only one more hour. I send Kyla a text.

BAD DAY. I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO MOVE BUT COULD YOU PLEASE HELP WITH BRIDGE TONIGHT? I NEED SOME TIME.

I get an answer in seconds. SEE YOU IN A WHILE.

Relief pours through me. But how much longer will I need to rely on people the way I do? I feel like a kid who can’t do anything by herself. And as much as I want to be independent, and want to handle things on my own, I really don’t. Being independent is great, but exhausting. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it up.

20

ELDER
WORTHEN

Closing in on 21 months

I know I shouldn’t be as excited to be here as I am.
I’ve tried to focus all day that I’ll be able to keep my mind and heart in the places it should be. Now that I’m standing on Jaycee’s doorstep, I know it’ll be hard because already I want to touch her. Give her a hug, find ways to brush against her, share the kind of smiles that tell each other we’re interested…

I knock and wait.
Elder Barris still isn’t on the porch. Maybe I’m in more of a hurry than I should be. Bishop Allen opens the door.

“Hi Bishop.”
I reach my hand out for him to take.

“Come on in.”
His voice is quiet.

Is something wrong?
“What’s going on?” We stand in her small, cool entryway.

“Do you two boys think you could find your own meal tonight?”
His voice remains low.

Elder
Barris stands silent as he almost never does.

“Is everything okay?”
I ask. But my hands are near shaking and my heart’s about to explode.

“Yeah.”
His head moves in an odd side to side motion that makes me know everything isn’t okay.

“What can we do to help?”
I ask.

Sister Allen walks into the entry.
“Maybe you two could run down to the corner and pick up some Taco Bell?” She hands me a twenty.

Bishop Allen
turns to look at his wife.

“She’s on her way out
. I think she’d be sad to miss our evening.” She touches his arm and then her eyes meet mine.

“We’ll be right back.”
I take the twenty and head out the door, mind spinning with all the things that might be wrong. Elder Barris follows.

My gut
’s twisting in knots. I feel like I’m shackled, chained, from what I want to tell her, what I want to do for her, how I want to help her. I take in the deepest breath my body will allow as I sit behind the steering wheel and then let it out. I close my eyes for a moment.
Please, please, help me know how important my mission is. Please.
Because I have never wanted to walk away from it more than at this moment, even though I have no idea what’s wrong.

I throw the car in gear and back out of the driveway.
The trip is short. I remember what she likes from last time, but I’m not sure what everyone else wants.

- - -

“We only have twenty bucks.” I laugh at the guy helping us trying to focus on the now. “Let me know when we hit that, okay?”

Fortunately he laughs with us.
“Will do.” He points between us. “What’s with the matching nametags?”

Elder
Barris decides to talk. Now. Now that I’m in a hurry and now that there’s a whole line of people waiting for us.

“Oh yeah, I used to go to that church.”

My brain snaps to the present. “We’re in the building next to the high school, eleven a.m. meeting, maybe we’ll see ya there,” I say.

“Maybe.”
He shrugs. “We’re at nineteen dollars and 49 cents, we good?”

“Perfect.”
I hand him the twenty.

- - -

“Did you hear me in there?” Elder Barris is beaming, a heaping pile of Taco Bell on his lap.

“You did good.”
I mock punch him on the shoulder.

“Wow.”
He leans his elbow against the door.

I try to relax and feel the energetic spirit from him after his first positive missionary connection at a random store.
It feels good. I remember mine. This is why I’m here. It’s important. Crucial. And I need to remember this.

- -
-

“Hey Elders.”
Jaycee’s face holds nothing of what I thought I’d see after the bishop and his wife greeted us at the door. She looks happy, relaxed. She takes Elder Barris’ hand first and then mine.

I swear she holds my hand longer than she needs to
, but it still goes away too fast. I gotta get my head back where it needs to be. “We have food.” I hold up the bags.

“Wow.
Come on in.” She walks to her table, sister Allen has water glasses set out and Bridger is nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s the little man?”
I ask. I like Bridger. He’s a handful, but it’s nice to be around a kid who reminds me of home.

“He’s with my sister
.” Jaycee sits. “He had a rough day at school today. I’m quitting early.” Her voice is even, but I can see the stress and sadness in her eyes. “Right now I’m just hoping to have a job next year and the summer is…” She stops there. She takes a slow deep breath in, trying to hide the emotions that are pulling her under.

The knowledge of how important families are hits me again.
She has Bishop Allen and his wife, her sister, kind of and the people from the ward, but her household isn’t complete.

“W
e can give you a blessing before we go. You have choices between us guys. You know, just for some comfort or whatever.” I smile wide, hoping she’ll see that it’s no big deal. But it is a big deal and I want to do it so badly. It will feel like my calling as a missionary will be helping her, even if that’s all I can do. Well, I guess I really shouldn’t say “all” when we’re talking about blessings, but compared to what I’d like to do...

“Hmm…”
she teases back. “I like the idea of choices.”

She opens the bag after Sister Allen says the prayer and catches my eye.

“You remember what I like.”

“It wasn’t that long ago.”
I can feel the bishop’s eyes on me so I don’t look at her. I stare at my taco instead.

I’m quiet but the conversation flows around me.
My eyes catch hers often making my heart frantic.

After dinner, Jaycee asks
for a prayer before we go—for her blessing.

“He’s done this for me a million times.”
Her teasing smile hits Bishop Allen first, then me. “Maybe you could…”

I smile. She wants me to do the blessing part. I’m thrilled. “Sure.”

All I do is try to get my head on straight and my heart in the place it needs to be. My hands rest on her head. On her soft hair, the strands of it slide between my fingers. Okay. Focus.

I take a deep breath in.

“Jaycee Layton, your Heavenly Father knows you so well…” And this is the point where my brain fuzzes out and I let the words come. I know brave is in there and strength, and then I’m done. All too soon.

“Amen.”

I let my hands slowly slide off of her head and onto her shoulders. I leave them there for a moment and squeeze once before dropping my hands to my sides. That’s normal, right? Only it still sucks to not feel the warmth of her.

“Let me walk you two out.”
Bishop pats my back.

I turn
reluctantly, not ready to go.

“You know where to find us if you need anything, okay?”
I say.

I’m sure that her eyes look through me.
What I wouldn’t give to stroke her cheek, take her in my arms… Okay.
Gotta
stop this.

“Thanks.”
She pulls her lip into her mouth, chewing on it like she does when she doesn’t know what to say.

I pick up my coat in the entry and only the bishop’s large frame keeps me from looking back at her again.
We step outside and I already know what he’s going to say to me.

“Are you okay with being here?”
Bishop asks as soon as the door closes behind us.

And that’s it, right there. My hopes of being here until I go home are crushed. I feel it all through me. Crumblin
g in my arms, my legs, my chest…

“What?”
Elder Barris stops next to our car to look at the bishop.

But
the bishop isn’t looking at him. He’s looking at me.

“Fine, why?”
I try to keep calm but my heart’s beating hard in fear that he’ll send me somewhere else.

He puts his hand on my shoulder.
“It’s okay. I just need to know if you’re okay coming here, or if we should find someone different.” His voice is low.

I make sure I have his eyes in mine.
“I’m okay coming here. I’ve been very prayerful and… I’m okay.” I swallow, willing it to be true. I’m only kind of okay and definitely not focused around her.

“Good to hear.”
His voice has lightened, like nothing’s wrong.

“I’m probably going to move next transfer then.”
The words come out in a half-choke. It’s not a question. He’ll worry about me. He’ll call the mission president and I’ll be somewhere else in two short weeks. Probably for the final three months of my mission. My heart sinks and most of me wants to scream at the thought of moving away. The smarter part of me realizes that it’s probably the best chance I have of finishing my mission in the manner I should. She’s leaving anyway. Maybe that’s the part I should focus on.

“Probably.”
He nods. His eyes look apologetic and he pulls me into a hug.

I don’t mean to
, but I hug him back tightly and hold him there for longer than necessary. It hurts. Bad. I can’t be here the way I want to be here. A few careful breaths come out.

“If it works out,” he whispers, “she’ll be worth the wait.”

I let go of him. This part I already know. But that’s a really, really big
if
.

I
drop my arms and step toward the car. Elder Barris is staring at me and then at the bishop. He’s clueless.

“What was that about?” h
e asks as we start down the road.

“About me being around Jaycee.”
I stare at the ceiling so I don’t cry. Cry. A girl has never, ever made me cry before. Ever.

“Because…”

“Do I really need to spell it out for you?” It comes out sharper than it should. I take a deep breath in. “Sorry.”

“No, no.
It’s cool. But there are a lot of people around here who could easily take your place, or you could switch out with someone or something.”

And leave sooner?
“I’m fine. It’s fine. Like I said, I’ve been prayerful about it. I’m okay.”

“If you say so.”
He doesn’t sound convinced.

“I do.”
This is something he needs to know. I may be doing my best to be good here, and I may be leaving soon, but there’s no way I’m leaving earlier than necessary.