The Weight of Love (5 page)

7

JAYCEE

I don’t talk to my parents much. They
still don’t have a whole lot to say to me. I can’t imagine being so unsympathetic to your own children. I felt really guilty for not trying harder to be close to them until Bridger came along. I can’t think of anything Bridger could to that would make me not want to be a part of his life. It makes it a lot harder to deal with my parents.

Part of me just wants to ask Mom if anything like what I’m dealing with in Bridger runs in our family. I’m sure I shouldn’t call, but sometimes all I want is an
excuse. Even when her words cut into me, her voice brings back memories of being a kid. Everyone should get that once in a while.

Bridger’s in bed and my phone rests in my hand.
I’m still debating, undecided. It vibrates. I jump and drop it to the floor.

Kyla
.

I snatch the phone to answer.
“Hey, Sis, you scared the crap out of me,” I answer.

“I just
called
you.” Her voice is filled with exasperated tease.

“I was thinking about calling Mom and Dad.”

“Well, don’t.”

“Why
not?”

“I just got off the phone with Mom.”
The tone of her voice makes me know it didn’t go well.

I sit up. “What’s going on?”

“So…” Her voice has an edge to it, a good one, but one that probably means things are about to change. I don’t want anything to change. Well, I want my stress level to change, that’s it. “Tom interviewed for that job in Salt Lake and got it.”

“What?” I cl
utch the phone tightly, my heart beginning a sprint in my chest.

“H
e’ll start just after Christmas. We’re going to go down for Christmas, or right around that time to pick out a house.” She ‘s excited, but knows me well enough to know I won’t love the news.

“I don’t…
I mean, congratulations?” I’m not sure what to do without my sister. I can’t lose someone else.

“I really want you to come.”

Silence.

I think ev
en my heart stops beating for a moment or two. “What?”

“C
ome on, Jaycee. It’s a good job. It’s just the two of us. There will be room for you and Bridger until you two figure things out. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and—”

“And it’s my family, and I’m not moving.” I can’t move. I can’t leave here.

She sighs. “Just please promise me you’ll pray about it. Really, really give the idea a chance. I think we both need out of here. There’s too much history.”

History of our shredded family, her no
t being able to have kids, Matt…

“Jaycee, are you there?”

“Sort of.”

She laughs. “Promise me you’ll give the idea a chance, okay? You own that house outright, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Because of Matt.” How could I sell Matt’s house?

“
That’s a lot of money, Jaycee. It’ll buy you some time with Bridger. Help you find him a good school. I’ve already looked into schools down there for kids like him. Ones that are super smart, but have some minor problems and…”

“I’ll think about it.” I’m more resigned
to agreeing with her for now more than anything. I can’t leave here.

“Great!” Her bright voice is back. “I’m sending you an email now, okay? It has schools, some stuff on the area around whe
re we’ll be looking for a house! This’ll be so great!”

“I’m just considering, Kyla. That’s it.”
Mostly I’m wishing that you weren’t moving so we could just keep living the way we’re living.

“Once you start looking into it, you’ll have to come!”
She sounds completely sure of herself. She sounds like she did after her first few meetings with the missionaries. She was so sure I’d just love what they were teaching her about. I was skeptical then, too.

“We’ll see.” I’m completely unconvinced.

“Yep.” I can hear the smile on her face. “We’ll see…”

And I know I shouldn’t, but
as soon as I hang up, I go to my computer and pull up her email. I bow my head for a brief moment and ask for direction. It’s the same thing I ask for on most days, but I know this is different.

I open my eyes and scroll through what she has written.
The girl has done her research. She has a list of five specialty schools, salons (for me) parks (for all of us) as well as general area statistics. After scrolling through some of the pictures she sent me, I can see why. Tom must be getting a good job because the homes she’s looking at are not cheap.

Just like she knew I would, I’m really, actually considering.
Living with Kyla and Tom and all their smooching will get old, but it will give me some time to spend with Bridger, to learn more about him and what I need to do. Maybe a school down there will be able to see all the awesome things about him. All the things I see in him.

Am I
actually considering leaving this place? After one stupid email? My eyes float around the small room. Our room. Our house. I
may
be considering leaving this place. It’s just that leaving Matt behind isn’t yet an option for me. I can’t be torn apart like that again, not right now.

8

ELDER WORTHEN

Just over 18 months, less than six to go.

“No, no, you guys can’t come in yet, my sister and her husband aren’t here.” Jaycee’s smile is wide and her eyes go back and forth between us. “Totally against the rules.”

“I put in a Taco Bell
order, Sister Layton.” Elder Smitts crosses his arms. “And I’d like to collect.”

“Is he driving you crazy yet?”
She flashes me a smile.

“Yep.”
I smile back. Like right now, being too friendly with Sister Layton—something I should not care about
or
notice.

“It’s cold. C
ome
on
.” Elder Smitts grabs his arms.

“Hey, I’m standing outside with you two
, and I don’t have to. I can be inside and warm.” She smiles. “If you’re bored, you can grab an armload of wood,” she teases.

“Oh fine.” He rolls his eyes, but his face holds a ridiculous grin.

“Just around here?” I ask. There’s a wood shed just around the corner of the house.

“I was teasing.” She shak
es her head. “You don’t have to—”

I don’t wait for her to finish. I
take the few steps over, kick the snow off the front layer of stacked logs and pull an armload. Elder Smitts does the same.

“Oh!
There they are, come on in.” She waves us in.

Her sister’s car pulls into the driveway and that’s apparently good enough.
She opens the door and we step inside. There’s a log-rack, nearly empty, against a wall of her tiny entry.

“We’ll f
ill it up. It’ll just take a sec.” I spin around and step back outside. It’s below zero and the air hurts my lungs and makes my nose feel like a solid chunk of something frozen. Smitts follows.

“It takes longer than you thin
k to fill that thing up,” he whispers.

“So, we should leave it for her to do while her kid runs around inside?” I ask.

“No.” He seems sulky. Probably having something to do with the big smile he has for her, and how he’d rather be inside than out here.

Guess I shouldn’t judge on that account, it just makes me feel a little stupid for the way I feel
, and maybe a little jealous. At least I’m doing something useful with my pent up energy.

Smitts
was right. It takes more loads than I would have guessed. Even after Kyla’s husband, Tom, steps in to help.

When her indoor rack is full,
we stand in a small, dark room lined with coats and shoes on one side. The other side obviously acts as her storage—stacked full with plastic bins. I slide out of my shoes, toss my coat onto a bench and follow her into the living room. Her jeans are snug and I have to pry my eyes away from her as I walk inside. This does not bode well for our evening.

The carpet is a dark brown, probably old.
The house is more of a cabin than a house. I look around at the wood paneled walls. There’s a small kitchen in the back left corner that’s open to this room, but instead of the normal breakfast bar, there’s a wall that’s probably close to shoulder height. It doesn’t make any sense. To the right of the kitchen is a hallway, which must lead to the bedrooms and bathroom. There’s a full-sized couch, TV, one end table and two beanbags. The room is full.

“Thank you. I was going to wait until Bridger was asleep tonight to get that done.” She sits on the end of her couch.

“No, problem.” Elder Smitts and I each take a beanbag.

“So, where are you from?”
Jaycee’s eyes are directed on me.

Her blue eyes pierce mine and it takes me a moment to find my voice.
This doesn’t happen with me and girls. Ever. “Mormon country.” I smile. “Utah, Salt Lake City.”

“So, you live in the city?”

“My whole life,” I answer.

“Siblings?”
She laughs a little. “I know you’re going to get the same questions everywhere, sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, I like talking about my family.”
It gives me a sense of home. I think my age helps me adjust to being away from them more than most of the guys I’m out here with.

“Well, that’s a rather lovely blessing, isn’t it?”
Her head cocks to the side as she watches me.

Her comment hits me hard.
“I’ve actually never thought of it, but yeah, it is a good thing to like to talk about your family.”

“
We’re ready to eat!” Her sister smiles as the last of the food is taken from the bags and spread in front of us on the floor.

“Auntie!”
I hear footsteps come running up the hallway. Her son stops short and stares at me with dark, narrowed eyes. “You’re new.”

“This is Elder Worthen,
” Jaycee explains.

“You remembered.”
I like hearing my name from her.

“You should feel honored.”
Her face turns toward mine, but just briefly. Her cheeks look red. She must be easy to embarrass. I’ll have to file that away. Actually, I totally
shouldn’t
file that away.

“Where’s Elder Fishman?”
His lower lip starts to tremble. He reminds me a lot of my little brother. The littlest things would really upset him.

“He’s helping people somewhere else, remember?”
Jaycee slides off the couch until her knees hit the floor, putting her and Bridger’s face close.

Bridger’s eyebrows pull together.

“Auntie Kyla brought you a cheesy roll from Taco Bell.”

“Thank you!”
His voice is loud, almost a yell.

“Indoor voice,
” Jaycee whispers.

Elder
Smitts opens his eyes wide at me in a ‘told ya’ kind of look.

“You remind me of my little brother, Bridger.
I’m Elder Worthen.” I hold out my hand. “Would it be okay if we sat and had dinner with you tonight?”

Bridger chews on his lip, as if deciding.

I clasp my hands together and smile widely at him. “Pleeease?”

He starts to giggle and I know I have him.
“O-
kay
.” He won’t look at me, but I’m used to that. He sits next to his mom, not really looking at her either.

Elder
Smitts blesses the food, and I open my eyes to see Bridger looking at me. I wink at him before closing my eyes again, causing a few stifled giggles to come out of his mouth.

“I hope this is okay with you guys.
I needed a Taco Bell fix today. Guess it’s not much of a dinner.” Jaycee’s brow wrinkles up in apology.

“It’s the only fast-food I eat.”
I open the bag that sits in front of me.

“Me, too.”
Jaycee digs into hers. “Kyla.” Her voice is exasperated. “I don’t like the tomatoes. You know this.”

“Sorry.”
Kyla cringes.

“It’s fine.
I’ll pick them off.” She groans.

“I’ll take them,
” I offer. “I’m always after more tomatoes.”

“Thank you.
” She leans toward me. “Do you mind my hands?”

“Not at all.”
I mean it.

Man, I have to stop that.
I’m looking at her and thinking about her in a way that I should definitely
not
be doing. Not right now.

She carefully pulls the tomatoes off her nacho platter and
sets them on top of my taco.

“You can eat all that?”
I nod toward her platter of chips filled high.

“Of course I can.”
She smirks as she sits back against the couch.

“Not only can she down that, but she could probably down everyone’s meals and still be as rail thin as she is now.”
Her sister’s voice is filled with disgust.

“Genes.”
She shrugs.

“Well, I wish I got more of them.”
Kyla laughs.

Kyla’s a pretty girl and is probably even better looking when her sister isn’t in the room.
I try to eat and not stare, but it’s hard.

Bridger pulls out his
Legos as soon as his cheesy roll is gone. I sit across the pile from him and build. I keep part in the conversation, but I can’t keep looking at Jaycee, she hits me too hard. I can’t have distraction. Not right now. Not when I’m so close to the end.

“
Kyla’s trying to talk me into moving to Salt Lake.”

My head snaps up. “When?”
Is she moving now? Maybe before I get home? Just
after
?

“Soon.” Kyla’s smile is wide. “Tom got a job there, and I’m trying to talk Jaycee into coming with us.”

“Well, I love it,” I say. “It’s a great city.”

“Yeah…” Jaycee’
s voice is hesitant. “I’m just… This is a hard place to leave. There’s a lot of memories here for me and we’re sort of settled, and I’m just not sure.”

“Spend some time on your knees.” I let myself look at her.

“I’m working on it. It seems like I’m always on my knees. If it’s not about one thing, it’s about another.” She shakes her head.

“Don’t do that, not about prayer.
” Why would she feel bad about that? “Our Father would much rather us pour ourselves out to him every night than not speak to Him at all.” And I still can’t take my eyes off of her. This probably means I’ll be adding to my own prayers tonight as well.

“Guess you’re right.”
She picks at the last bits of her nachos.

“Thank you, Elder,” Kyla smiles my way. “I just
know if she spends enough time thinking about it, I won’t have to move without my sister.” She pokes Jaycee on the shoulder, and I love that they have each other. I get the impression that the Allen’s spend a bit of time with both girls, but Jaycee would have a hard time without her sister. There’s something about family that’s irreplaceable.

“Well, I don’t want to hog you two guys all night, even though I sort of do.” Jaycee stands up. “I know there are a lot of other people who need you more than I do.”

“Thanks.” Elder Smitts stands. “Call us if you need anything.”

“Oh, I know how to find you two.” She chuckles.

“Thanks.” I reach out to shake her hand. It’s small, but strong. She stands tall and looks us both in the eye. Yep, it’s definitely going to be tricky to keep my mind off her.

Instead of think
ing about her the way I want. I decide I’ll write to mom and tell her about Jaycee. She’ll see beyond my admiration of how strong she is, I’m sure, but the idea of someone else knowing that I’ve been affected this way will feel good. I think.