The Weight of Love (9 page)

17

JAYCEE

We’re finishing the last of our meal at Paul’s house. Well, Bishop Allen
’s. Kyla and Tom are here as well as the missionaries. And I know it shouldn’t matter, and I know I shouldn’t care, but it feels good to be around Elder Worthen. Well, being around him is a mix of two things. The first, just making me feel good and wanting more. The second, is guilt for feeling the first thing both because he’s a missionary and Matt. Well, and I guess there’s also the frustration of knowing I have to be careful about what I say and how I act around him. If there’s any way he feels the same. If I should be jumping into feeling this way about anyone.

“We’re really proud of you girls for getting out of here like you are. It’s not easy.” Paul leans back in his chair.

“Well I’m being drug by my sister.” I stand up and begin to clear the dishes.

He chuckles. “Still.”

“We have Tom’s family.” Kyla plants a kiss on his shoulder.

“What are you going to be doing there?” Elder
Barris asks.

Tom rambles off his new title having to do with business and management. The table and the kitchen are in one big room and clearing goes fast. I turn on the water as hot as I can st
and it and begin to scrub dishes. I feel bad, but I have no interest in what Tom’s up to, and everyone else seems fascinated by business and leadership strategy.

“Can I help?” Elder Worthen is way too close.

I breathe in. Maybe he’s just close enough. And I should tell him to relax and sit down, that I’ll get it. “Thanks. That’d be great.”

Our last conversation he’d asked me about Matt. I’d given him a half-story.

“Good.” He chuckles. “I’m more of a run-your-own business kind of a guy and they’re talking about tiers and group life insurance and I don’t know what all.”

I laugh with him and hand him a soapy plate
, which he immediately begins to rinse. We’re silent for a moment, just washing.

If I’m going to say something, I need to just do it, right? I mean, there’s only so much I can say to him while he’s a missionary, and I should probably take advantage
of this brief moment we have to talk. “Matt and I never went to the temple. I mean, I’ve never been. I’m surprised you guys haven’t brought it up.” I don’t look at him, just pick up a bowl and scrub.

“We were told not to, but not why.”

“Oh.” My eyes flash back to Paul. His elbows are resting on the table and his attention is on Tom. “Bishop Allen’s just watching out for me, that’s all.”

“Bad subject?”

“Emotional subject.” I hand him a glass.

“Sorry, you don’t have to…”

“I want you to know.” I still can’t look at him. “Matt loved me like I never expected to be loved…”

“Why not?”

“What?”

“Why didn’
t you expect to be loved?”

I have no idea. None.
My whole body stops. Freezes. It’s kind of a basic question that probably speaks volumes about me. It’s also something that I’m sure I don’t want to think about right now.

“Sorry.
” He takes the soapy dish from my hand and begins to rinse it. “Continue, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s okay. I just…
It’s just that we never made it there. I guess it really should have been the most important thing.” It really should have been. What happened? We went to church. He took good care of me. He loved me.
Greatly
. Why?

“Sometimes things that break our heart
s at the time, don’t show their purpose until later.” He rinses another glass.

Now I have to look at him. “From experience?”

He nods.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. The things that broke my heart are things I brought on myself, not like you.” The corner of his mouth pulls into a smile, but he’s still rinsing, one dish after another.

“Still sucks.” My eyes turn back to the sink. I’m down to reaching for silverware.

“Still sucks,” he agrees. “But, Jaycee?”

“Yeah?” I let my gaze filter up to him again.

“You, of all the people I’ve met, have an amazing spirit about you. Don’t give up on that. Use it. Keep it and don’t feel bad if you don’t feel like you should do something, just because you feel
pressure
to do it. Does that make sense?”

Perfect. It makes perfect sense. “Thank you.” Then I realize that we’re kind of alone in a room full of people and I need to drop the tension between us. “Too bad you’re a missionary and I can’t give you a hug.” I smirk at him and laugh.

He stares, smiles briefly and takes the silverware from my hand for rinsing.

His eyes hit me. His smile hits me, and his words hit me. I am in so much trouble.
There really has to be some kind of bad place for people who fall for someone who’s given up two years of their life and promised to avoid complications like the ones I’d love to throw at him. Maybe in the form of a kiss.

~
~ ~

I don’t recognize the number on my phone.
801
. A Utah number. My first thought is that Kyla must have done something.

“Hello?” It’s rare that I don’t know who it is before answering.

“Hey, Jaycee, it’s Luke.”

My heart stops. His voice is almost just like his brother’s.
Just
like Matt. I open my mouth to speak three times before something comes out.

“Wow, what’s going on with you?” I ask. It’s not completely unusual that one of Matt’s brothers calls me, but it is a
little
unusual.

“I heard you were moving my direction?”

“Right, I spoke with your mom the other day.”

“That’s awesome. You know, I was thinking of staying down here. I graduate in a few months and already have a job lined up.”

“That’s great.” Is this why he called? To say that he’ll be around?

“Yeah, it’ll be really good to see you.”
His voice drops just slightly.

And now
I’m sure he means more by that than what he’s letting on. “You, too.” And it will be good to see him, no matter what. Luke had all the great qualities of his brother—he was just a little more hyper-active. I’m sure that’s settled with age.

“So, you’ll call when you get down?”
he asks.

“Nothing’s completely settled yet, but, yeah, of course I’ll call you. Bridger would love to see his uncle, I’m sure.”
If he remembers who he is.

“What have you been up to?” he asks.

“Just keeping busy… I don’t want to cut you off, Luke, but I really need to go.”
Mostly I don’t know what to say to you, what to tell you, and I’m afraid of what you might want.

“Okay. Don’t be afraid to call, though, okay? You know
, if you need someone else to convince you that moving down here is a good idea.”

I laugh. “My sister is doing a pretty good job all by herself.”

“Well, tell her thank you.” His voice is soft, serious. Crap. I know what this means. This means that he likes me more than he should. Probably more than I’m ready for, from him.

“Yeah, sure.” I’m afraid to say anything else.

“Well, I hope to talk to you soon, Jaycee.”

“Okay, bye.” I hang up and almost drop the phone in an attempt to get away from it. I’m ridiculous.

“Mom?” Bridger asks.

“Yep?” I turn toward him. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to just be with him. In all this mess of learning, and lists and understanding, I don’t know what to say to him. I must be a horrible mother.

“Can you watch a movie with me tonight?”

“Sure.” I smile even though he isn’t really looking at me.

He’s swinging his body from side to side, smooth, easy. “Stimming” it’s called. Self-stimulation. It relaxes him even better than Legos. Two people have told me to make him stop and two have told me to let him do it, especially since it works so well for him. I listen to the second two.

“And a snack?”
he asks.

“Can we do apples?”

“But no yogurt.” His upper lip comes up in disgust.

I chuckle. “Apples, no yogurt. Got it.” When I smile, he smiles back, even though his face doesn’t look straight at mine.

He’s watching me, gauging my reactions to him. I’m learning that’s a good thing. “I’ll start the movie.” He dashes back to my room.

And now I don’t care about Luke or moving, or Bridger’s problems or Kyla or anything. Tonight, and right now, all I have to do is slice up apples, watch a movie with my son, and fall asleep. My body relaxes. It feels like the first step in Bridger once again becoming my happy place. I hadn’t even realized that
he was taken away from that special spot with all the confusion at the beginning of the year. But now that I’m looking forward to just hanging with him? Lightness floats over me and I smile because the weight of wanting so much for him has eased. I smile just for me, without thinking, without reacting to anyone else in the room.

And right now, this is all I want.

18

ELDER WORTHEN

Jaycee sits comfortably on the edge of the stage, letting her legs hang down. She’s watching the youth play kickball, but I’d guess she doesn’t actually see any of it. Her eyes have that odd, blank stare. I wonder what has her distracted, and I wish I could take her hand in mine to ask her. Instead I’m watching her from across the room, hoping no one will notice.

I’m realizing that my days have been separated into two things. One – days I see Jaycee, and two – all the other days that I’m really trying to be mentally present for. I’ve only been half successful.

The bishop stands at the edge of the stage.

“Oh, I
wanted to talk to Bishop Allen.” Elder Barris nudges my arm with his.

Perfect.
I follow him over. I lean against the stage next to Jaycee while the Bishop and my companion catch up on details I no longer care about. He can catch me up later, anyway.

“How are you?”
I ask.

“Fine.”
She sighs. Her hands are pressed against the floor on the edge of the stage, leaving her gentle fingers facing the floor.

I put my hands on the stage behind me, letting my one hand touch hers as I pull myself up.
We’re not sitting too close, but our hands touch for a moment, which probably makes me really, really bad.

“You look distracted today.”

“Oh.” Her eyes go from the game to me and I swear she blushes as our eyes meet. “Bridger, school and me having to leave the front desk, again, to deal with a problem.” She lets out another long breath.

“I’m sorry.
I wish I could help.”

She laughs.
“He and I had this great night last night, and then he didn’t want to leave me at school today. He knows I work in the front office so he came running up twice. I’m worried about how to get through the summer with no job and a kid who wants nothing but his mom. The idea of moving is scary.”

I watch her in d
esperation because I want to fix this for her.

She presses her fingertips to the edges of her eyes.
“I just, it’s all such a roller coaster. Last night I felt like I had this big revelation for Bridger and me, and it feels like it disappeared with the problems at school today.”

“Sorry.”
What a pathetic thing to say.

“So, am I.
”

I check to see my companion still attentively talking to the bishop.
“What can I do?”

She stares at her lap for a while and then her lips press together and
the corners of her mouth pull up. She’s thought of something.

My heart soars at the ability.

“Distract me?” Her eyes meet mine and her gaze doesn’t waver. “What held you up? What kept you from going on your mission at eighteen?” She leans forward and looks back at me through her thick locks.

Why that?

“Sorry.” She leans back, making me realize how close we were. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I don’t mind telling you
, but, just so you know, it’s not common knowledge.” This is good, right? Okay? Now it’s my turn to let out a long breath in an attempt to relax myself. Well, if she runs screaming, at least I won’t have to worry about how she may or may not feel about me.

“It’s fine.”
She shakes her head. “You don’t have to—”

“S
o, Amber got me off track first.” I decide to start before she begins to misunderstand my uncertainty.

“Girls.
I should have known, someone who looks like you.” She reddens again and looks away.

After her reaction,
I want her to have my real story, as much as I can give. “I dated Amber my senior year of high school. I loved her. Well, I thought I loved her. She wasn’t as active in the church as I was and I thought I’d do her some good.”

Jaycee tilts her head slightly. She’s really listening.
“And instead she pulled you away.”

I nod.
“Just after graduation. And then, in her logic, since we were getting married anyway, we didn’t have to be as careful with one another and—”

“And you went too far.”
She’s watching me closely and I love it, but I’m worried so I look around and scoot away slightly. “Me and Matt, too. Reason number one we didn’t make it to the temple.”

I exhale.
“After high school I moved out to go to college and she sort of moved in with me. She kept hinting at marriage and I kept avoiding. I was off track, but I knew I didn’t want to get married.”

Jaycee
’s still intent on me.

“After her was Casey.
I wasn’t going to church at all at this point and I met her in school. So we were on again, off again until I saw Caroline.” I still remembered seeing her for the first time. That moment sort of paled in comparison with seeing Jaycee.

“And
something about her hit you.” Jaycee’s eyes are fixed on me.

“She was a plastic.”
I shake my head. “All hair and nails and things that I can’t believe I ever thought were important. That’s not really fair. She was more, but she didn’t try to be more. She wanted to be seen that way. I wasn’t going to church, but I never lost contact with my family. My mom is too good-hearted and forgiving a woman to not make me feel welcome, no matter how I live my life.”

“So, what changed things?”
She’s leaning toward me and her eyes are on me. I realize her nails are always done, but simply, and her hair’s done and her makeup’s done, but it’s not what I notice about her. Not like I noticed those things with Caroline.

“Yo
u two look cozy,” Elder Barris teases.

“Elder Worthen is finishing a story.”
Her voice sounds sharp. It’s unexpected. I’m glad someone reacted to him the way I sometimes want to.

He jumps up next to me.
I’m annoyed, but it’s probably for the best.

“I went to the blessing of my sister’s bab
y. The one who’s named after me,” I continue.

“Named,
what
after you?” It’s the first genuine smile I’ve seen on her face all night.

“Michelle.”
Oh. Shoot. I shouldn’t have let that slip out.

“So, Michael?”
She raises a brow. “Or, Maddox, Malcolm, Marshall, Mitchell…”

I love the way my name sounds from her.
It kills me to not ask her to say it again. “Sorry.” I shake my head. “Not telling.” It’s silly, I mean we’re asked not to use our first names, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. But it is. To me anyway.

“
Okay fine.” She widens her eyes at me in mock exasperation. “And then?”

“And I looked at their family and I realized what I’d cheated those girls out of, I almost wished that my problem had been something that affected only me.”
I’d worked through forgiveness, but I still remembered, and it still didn’t feel good.

“Wow.”

“I went home and started to tell Caroline what I wanted, what I needed and she somehow took it to mean that I wanted to marry her. It was a mess.” I couldn’t understand why she’d looked happy until I realized I’d said the word married. The screaming and yelling that ensued was something I
wish
I didn’t remember, but completely deserved.

“I
knew
it was girls!” Elder Barris exclaims.

“
Shh.” Jaycee scowls.

I flash him a look.
It’s kind of ruining my moment with her. “And I knew I needed to work hard if I ever wanted that kind of blessing in my life and I do.”

“Wow.”
She reaches out and touches my arm. My arm. I don’t even think she’s conscious of it. “Thank you for sharing. I think that’s an amazing story. Any girl would be lucky to have you.” Her hand drops and she watches the kids again.

“I knew there were
girls.” Elder Barris sounds sulky.

“You see?”
I glare at him. “This is why I only tell people what turned me around. Not what turned me away.” I’d told my first companion. He was about to go home and thought of nothing but getting married. He wanted to know everything and asked me things that I didn’t want to think about or remember. “It’s embarrassing. It’s things that never should have happened, and I’ll never be able to give a woman what I should be able to.”

“That’s not true.”
Jaycee shakes her head. “When you get married and go to the temple, it’ll be a whole new person, a whole different thing. And you’ll be bringing your life experiences in and your appreciation for what you have. That’s also a remarkable gift. You believe in forgiveness. You know the slate is clean.”

If I can keep myself on track for the last of my mission.
“Thank you.”

“Time to close this meeting.”
She slides off the stage.

And now, it feels like she just made me feel better, and not the other way around.

My companion leans toward me. “So, you don’t like to talk about the girls?”

I let my gaze shift to him and hope that he sees enough annoyance to drop it.