The Weight of Love (15 page)

“Yeah.” I hear his chair move and Gage appears in the hallway. “Hey, Bridger. Come meet some cool people with me.”

“I’m tired of meeti
ng people.” Bridger’s voice is sulky.

I open my mouth to speak, but Lynn rests her hand on my shoulder. “Let’s see if Gage can talk him into it.” Lynn points at Gage, who turns back to Bridger.
He gets the hint. That’s good. Bridger doesn’t do hints. At least not yet.

“Bridger, there’s a really cool school that lets you do stuf
f like this instead of homework. Wanna check it out?” Gage asks. Any hint of irritation that was in his voice with his mom is now gone.

“Sure.” Bridger stands up and follows Gage.

“Mom, can we take Mitchell’s car? It’s been almost a month since we took it out.”

She sighs.

“He left a car?” I ask.

“Well.” She frowns, but I don’t know how much of the frown is genuine. “
Like everything else, he turned it over to me, but it’s not really my thing. I drive it once in a while to keep the engine moving, that’s all.”

“Please M
om? I’ll even let Jaycee have the front seat.”

Lynn laughs. “You’d
have
to let Jaycee have the front seat no matter what.”

We walk through their living room on the way to the garage. One wall is entirely dedicated to family photo
s. I pick Mitchell out easily—even his younger pictures. I see what must be Jennie, Brandon and baby Michelle. Meeting his family without him is actually kind of awesome. He can’t hide or protect me from any of it. And now that I’m here… It just hits me again how little I know about him in an everyday sense. It was sort of crazy to think I was falling for him when I don’t
know
him.

I follow them into the garage.

My jaw drops at the four-door black car. “A Mercedes? Are you kidding me?” Again, who is this guy? It’s not a small one, either. The car stretches from one end of the garage to the other. These things have to be… easy more than fifty grand, maybe closer to a hundred, and… I don’t even know what to think. I drive an old truck.

“He’s very good at what he does.” Lynn climbs in the driver’s seat. Bridger and Gage climb in the back, and I stand in the garage staring for a moment before finding my legs to
get into the car. Mitchell is turning into more of a mystery than he ever was when I was actually around him.

“I’m sort of amazed he went. On a mission, I mean,” I say as
I climb in the passenger’s side and slide onto the grey leather.

“He wanted it. He decided he wanted to do everything. If this is wa
iting for him when he gets back, his life, not just the car, great. If not, that’s too bad, but he’ll find something else.” She pulls out of the garage.

“I can’t believe it never came up.” I lean back a
nd breathe in the leather smell.

“There probably isn’t a good way to bring something like that up without sounding like you’re bragging.” Her smile is dry as we pull up the street.

“Guess you’re right.” I’m actually not sure how I feel about it. It’s the kind of car someone drives who cares what people think. Is that right? Is that who he’ll be when he comes back? Or am I reading too much into something? He’s also the person who left it behind to do something that eighteen year olds do. That’s worth considering as well.

~
~ ~

“Here we are.” Lynn puts the car in park.

I climb out and stand in the parking lot. It’s a beautiful two-story brick building. Large, but not quite as big as a smaller high school. I don’t know what to compare it too.

“Come on,” Gage says. He reaches his hand out and Bridger immediately takes it.
Neither of them really looks at the other, but I can see Gage watching Bridger with his eyes cast down. I wonder if Bridger realizes how much alike they are?

“Relax and let yourself get a feel for it.” Lynn walks slowly to the front door.

School has probably just gotten out only a short while ago. There are still parents and kids on the steps and pulling out of the parking lot. Right now, just standing in the stupid parking lot, it feels good.
Right
.

I jog a few steps to catch up to her. “This must be expensive.”

“It is. But worth it.”

“I’m not sure…”
I can’t be throwing money out. I need it. All of it.

Lynn puts her arm around me. “Jaycee, keep going with what fee
ls good. I really believe all the practical parts will work out.”

“Yes, but…”

“You’re making no money right now. Is that right?”

I get that sinking feeling in my gut. “That’s right.”

“Perfect. They have programs for people who need financial assistance. I’m still on their board, Jaycee. If you want Bridger in here, we’ll get him in.” Her hand rests on my shoulder for a moment.

“Mom!” Bridger is beaming from the front door of the school. “Come inside! You have to see the art, Mom! Gage did one of them!”

“He likes to paint.” Lynn shrugs.

“Okay.” I step in the school and one more
piece of my mysterious life puzzle fits into place. The feeling in here is good. The hallways are clear and bright. No fluorescent lighting in this place. The artwork in the first main hallway is all done by kids who go here. I may not know where I should be, or what I should be doing. But there’s no doubt in my mind that Bridger needs to be in this school.

34

WORTHEN

Monday rolls around
again. We’re helping Sister Lingstrom later on. She’s just moving boxes, it costs too much to move anything else. She and her two kids are leaving for Anchorage to be with her parents.

Since I let myself be full of Jaycee on Mondays, I wonder what my afternoon helping the move will be like.

As soon as my email kicks in, I scan for Jaycee’s name.

Elder Worthen,

Your mom is the warmest, most wonderful person I’ve ever met. It’s like she gets it. Gets my confusion, and makes me feel okay that I have no idea what to do with mysel
f


You wouldn’t believe Gage and Bridger together. It makes me wonder how aware Bridger is that he’s a bit dif
ferent. Those two talk on a level that I don’t understand. It’s awesome. I want to cry just watching them together.

Oh, and we drove your car. You know it’s kind of obnoxious, right? Okay, I’m mostly teasing, sort of. You’re becoming more of a puzzle as I learn about
you down here, and it makes me realize how little I know you.

Hope you’re not freezing to death. I also hope you feel like you’re doing good things.

Jaycee

My car isn’t obnoxious. It’s
awesome. It’s a Mercedes S-class sedan. Perfection. I love that car. Also, Mom should know it’s hers. I mean, I left it with her and told her to drive it. Whatever. I don’t want to think about anything that makes me worry about what Jaycee does or doesn’t think of me because I’m completely helpless on that front.

I check Mom’s mail next.

Elder –

You’re right. She’s amazing.

Love you, Mom

And now I know I need to read the rest of my email
s, and write back, but all I want to do is to read Jaycee’s again.

“We
gotta run man, or we’re gonna be late.” Elder Hales stands up.

“Not yet
. One more.”

“Quickly.” He folds his arms.

Who do I write?

Mom –

Please tell her time was short, that’s the only reason I didn’t write. Thank you so much for getting together. I think it meant a lot to her. Please make sure it happens again soon.

Love you,

Elder Worthen

P.S. The car is yours, not mine.

I close out, and feel like I’m being shredded over not being able to write to Jaycee. Maybe I’ll find some time later this week.

“Come on, Worthen.” He turns, and I follow him out.

But I can’t take my brain away from Jaycee’s email.
What did she mean by my car is obnoxious? It’s a beautiful car.
And
, it’s Mom’s. Did Mom say something about that? How am I
more
of a puzzle? She’s with my family, learning about me, right? It should make me
less
of a puzzle. So, really, the only positive things here are that she didn’t mention any more men knocking on her door, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t there.

Her
letter combined with my thoughts are making me paranoid. We drive to Lingstrom’s house while my brain spins into a blur.

I step out of the car and for the first time in a week the rain isn’t blowing sideways. It’s just coming straight down. I never thought I’d love to see rain just coming straight down.

Sister Lingstrom follows a couple of boxes outside. She looks like a shell. Like she’s been hollowed out. She nods and points, but her eyes are glassy and there are tears so close to the surface that I’m amazed she’s keeping them in.

There’s like a cover of grief over this place. I don’t care how close you are to
God. When you lose someone you love, it’s going to take a while. The feeling in the air is heavy, but there’s also a feeling here I recognize—one of comfort, one of peace.

Her kids are playing with
their grandparents. What did Jaycee do with Bridger day after day in those first few weeks and months? It digs at my chest. Probably I should feel threatened by a deceased husband, but I feel only sadness for what she went through. Her experiences with him are part of what made her who she is. I’m just going to have to be okay with that. Especially if we’re possibly heading where I hope we are. She’ll never forget losing Matt. She couldn’t.

I pick up another box and load it onto the truck
that’ll take it all to the airport to be shipped. It’s just about the only way to get things in and out of here. The boats are slow and weather in spring is terrible.

All I can think about is Jaycee doing this. She didn’t have to move, but only because she didn’t have anywhere to go. What was it like for her to pack her things and move to Utah? Probably harder than I can imagine, and she still did it.
Almost alone. Now that she’s there, she’s not sure what she should be doing with herself. But she’s still doing it. Still telling me she knows she’s doing the right thing. Amazing.

I wish again to be there with her. And I know I should
n’t have these thoughts, but it is Monday. I’m suddenly mad at myself for writing Mom instead of Jaycee. I’m going to have to spend some time on my knees and hope that Mom’s able to keep helping her.

35

JAYCEE

Luke said he drives a grey Honda and one just came into the driveway.

As familiar as Lynn felt, it’s not like family. Luke is family. Matt’s only
younger
brother. “Come on Bridge! Uncle Luke is here!”

My breath catches as he gets out of the car and moves toward the door. He’s so much like his brother.
Looks like him, moves like him—way more than either of the other brothers. Matt and Luke are almost like twins. How will I breathe?

I pull open the door and am almost shaking at the site of him.

“Oh my gosh, Jaycee.” His smiles spreads wide. The same smile I remember from his older brother. From Matt. His smile scrapes at my chest in a way I both love and hate.

“Hey, you. You’re all grown up.”
I step into him and let him pull me in a hug. I breathe in, and he even smells like his brother. It’s like some odd form of torture that they’d have to use the same aftershave or something.

I hold onto him for a moment longer than I should. He smells like Matt, feels like Matt, looks like Matt. It all hits me as memories, mixed with the present, and mixed wit
h my confusion over leaving Matt behind in Alaska.

“Hey, you okay?” His voice is so soft.

I close my eyes, and it’s just like Matt. The feel, the smell, the sound of his voice. Just like him. But it’s not him. I step back and let Luke go.

“You are as beautiful as ever.” His smile is relaxed, easy.

I can’t take my eyes off of him.

“We all said Matt married up.”
He chuckles.

“I can’t believe how much you look like him.” My eyes refuse to move from his face.

“Yeah. He’s the only one of my brothers I really see a resemblance to.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets.

“It’s weird.”
And it’s more than resemblance. It sort of stuns me close to speechless.

His eyes cast down before meeting mine again. “Bad, weird?”

“No, no.” I reach out and touch his arm. “Just… I knew you and he looked alike. It’s just more obvious now that you’re… older.”

“I’m the age he was when he…” B
ut Luke stops there. His head bows down for a moment before looking at me again.

I nod once.
Twenty three. He’s so young.
Too
young.

“Hi Uncle Luke.” Bridger steps out behind me on the porch.

“Bridger?” Luke’s eyes widen. He looks between us a few times. “You look just like your dad at your age, did you know that?”

“I don’t know my dad.” Bridger shakes his head.

That one thumps inside my chest a few times. It’s true. I knew it would be true.
Bridger doesn’t know his dad.
Never will. Not in this life.

“He was a good guy.” Luke stands back up to normal height. He knows enough to know that Bridger doesn’t like to be hugged. “Are you two ready to hit the park for a few minutes?”

“Love to.” I step toward him.

“If…” He raises a brow. “You’d like to challenge me, maybe you want to put on better shoes?”

I smile wide. I forgot how Luke and I used to play ball. “Be right back.”

I grab my
basketball shoes and run out the door.

~
~ ~

It’s a warm spring day, but still too cool for there to be many people out.

Luke has the basketball and is teaching Bridger how to dribble. Bridger doesn’t like balls and doesn’t like to be touched, but he’s still smiling with his uncle.

“Mom?” Bridger runs up to me.

“Yep?”

“Can I play on the castle, the one right there?” He points.
“There’s no people today.”

“You answer every time I call you, okay?”

“Okay.” And then he runs off.

Luke drib
bles a few times, staring at the ball, preparing to shoot. The sun hits the side of his head, his face a mask of concentration. It’s all Matt. All of it.

I grab his rebound as I try to catch my breath.
I don’t want to see Matt in Luke, just Luke is enough. We’re friends. I want us to be friends. I don’t need any more Matt confusion from anywhere.

“Dad and I talked
for like an hour the other day,” he says.

“Yeah?” I pass him the ball.

“We talked about Bridger.”

Bridger definitely requires a lot of thought.
“What did he say?”

“That you were doing an amazing job with him. That he was going through some testing.”

I nod. “I found a great school for him. He’s smart, Luke. He just doesn’t think the same way we do. The new school gets that.”

“Good.” He takes another shot and nails it. “I don’t think Mom gets it.”

“No.” Our few conversations about Bridger haven’t gone well. I grab his re-bound and pass it back.

“Sorry, that can’t be easy.”

“I don’t see your parents much,” I admit.

“Guess that’s a strike against me, huh?” He nails another shot.

Is he being serious? Joking around? “You being younger than me is a strike against you.” I smirk.

“Two years means
nothing
.”

“Uh, huh.” I raise a brow. “
You say that now, but when I’m forty first, it won’t be so funny.” I’m laughing hard now. I run to catch his re-bound, but he’s after it, too. There’s nothing like competition to get me going. I snatch the ball and dribble for a basket. He’s right on me, guarding.

I stop, plant and look for a shot. I give up and grab the ball to my stomach, still laughing. It feels so good to be outside,
having fun. My body’s lighter.

His arms come around me from behind, reaching for the ball.
I’m giggling like this is all some joke, but he isn’t. That’s not good. I need Luke to be my friend. I stop and stand at the same time as him. Our eyes lock. This is when he’s all Luke. His eyes. They may be the same color as his brother’s, but all I see is him. I feel that fluttery thing in my chest, the one I don’t want to be feeling. It’s got to be just the proximity.

“Hey, Luke!” A girl waves from the hillside.

Moment broken. I’m saved. She’s pretty. Light red hair, cute curvy build.

“Hey,
Lizzy!” He waves.

She jogs down the hill with a golden retriever in tow.

“She’s cute.” I smile at Luke, and bump him with my elbow.

He immediately shakes his head. “Oh, no. She’s just. I mean, really,
just
a friend.”

He’s completely serious, and my hopes for a rescue from the pretty, curvy girl are dashed.

My problem is that I really want to be able to hang with him once in a while. I’m not sure how to balance this.

“Hi.” She smiles at me. “I’m
Lizzy.”

“I’m Jaycee, his…
” Crap, my chest falls, how do I explain?  “Sister-in-law.” It strikes me hard. How else do I introduce myself?

“Which brother are you married to?”
Her head tilts to the side.

Luke looks down.

Does she know? I’m not sure, and I have no idea what to say.

Luke saves me. “She was married to Matt.”

“Oh.” Her little round face falls.

“It’s fine.” I nod and smile at her.
Laughing forgotten, weight back, settled comfortably where it seems to rest—across my back and shoulders, settling in my chest. It’s the very familiar weight of losing someone I love.

“What are you doing up here?”
he asks.

“You dropped me at my parent’s house, silly.” She smiles at him.
“They’re around the corner.”

“Right.” He glances between us a few times.

“Mom! I’m ready to go home!” Bridger runs into the middle of the court.

“Whoa.”
Lizzy’s eyes go to Bridger. “Luke, he looks just like you.”

“Like Matt,” he says.

“I didn’t realize you two looked so much alike.” Her gaze shifts back and forth, and her eyes meet mine. Then they’re on Luke. I feel bad. There’s no mistaking she likes him.

I’m staring at Luke again, hoping to see som
ething in his eyes for her but don’t.

“We should get back,” I say, even though the last thing I want to do is spend more time in that busy house.
“It was great to meet you Lizzy. I hope to see you again.” Maybe if I use a nice bright voice, she’ll know I’m not moving in on Luke. There’s no mistaking how wide her smile is for him. It’s a shame he doesn’t see it. Or, if he does, he’s trying to hide that from me. That’s not good either.

I fo
llow Luke to his car, Bridger in tow.

“She’s nice,” I comment.

“She’s been a good friend.” He opens my car door.

“That’s it?”
I stop, standing.

“Yes, J
aycee.” He leans toward me as I climb into his car. “Why are you so interested in what I might have going on?”

I can’t look at him. He’s taking my questions the wrong way.
In the way that would say I want to know what he has going on to see if we can have something going on.

“She’s really nice, that’s all,
” he says.

“Okay.” Only I know that tone of voice. He’s too much of his brother for me not to. He doesn’t believe me, and I’ve probably just sunk myself further
into him thinking that he and I are a possibility.

He walks around the front of the car and slides in.
“I’d love to get together again sometime soon.”

I very purposefully don’t look at hi
m. I stare out the windshield as he pulls out into the street. “Bridger will be starting at his new school, my days will be pretty free. I’m still not exactly sure what I’m supposed to be doing with myself. And before you ask, yes, I’ve been praying about it.”

“Wel
l, I’m in student life for a little longer, so maybe we’ll get together during the day for a bit.” He’s still looking at me. I can feel it.

“Okay.” Day is better than night. Definitely.

We pull up to the house.

“Hey!” Kyla steps outside.

Luke gets out of the car and her jaw drops. Probably just like mine did.

“Oh, my gosh,
Luke
?” She pulls him into a hug as he tries to get out of his car and mouths “wow” over the roof.

Yeah. Wow. It’s something.
Something I need to figure out quick.

~
~ ~

I’m on the couch with Jennie and I can’t take my hands off of her new baby. She’s six weeks old and still in that wonderful phase of
brand
new. We shared a huge dinner, and even though there was a room full of us, it felt peaceful. Meeting Jennie and Brandon was just as easy as the rest of the family.

Jennie’s smile is big for her thin face. I can see the resemblance between all three siblings, but there are also a lot of differences
. She’s built more like her mom and Gage—thin and tall. I’m guessing that Worthen is built like his dad—a little broader.

I put my nose to baby Alyssa’s head and breathe in again. “She’s pretty amazing.”

“Yeah.” Jennie rests her chin on my shoulder. She has no sense of personal space, but it feels okay with her. “I love them this small. Brandon is finally starting to be a great dad to Michelle. He likes being able to run and chase her now that she can run and be chased. You know.”

“Yeah.”
But I only have eyes for this brand new girl asleep in my arms. Her face is so smooth. Babies have such a unique feeling around them. I just want to soak her all up.

“We should take off.” Brandon stand
s.

I
know I’m going to need to hand back Alyssa. My arms give her one more tiny squeeze before I reluctantly hand their baby over. Will I get to do that again? Hold my own new baby? I hope so.

Gage walks up the stairs from the small basement.

“Bridger fell asleep while we were watching the movie.” He shifts back and forth a few times. “Is that okay?”

“That’s fine.” I nod.
I’m learning not to take Gage’s lack of eye contact personally—just like I’ve done with Bridger. “I’ll go grab him in a minute. It must be later than I thought.” I lean back in my chair to see the clock.

“Jaycee?” Lynn catches my eye. “Why don’t you two just crash here tonight. My son’s bed is completely unoccupied and filling up an empty room. You can
arrange the two of you however you like.”

It feels weird to stay here, but
the thought is also really nice. I chew on my bottom lip. I’m not sure what to say.

“I don’t want you to feel pressure to stay over, Jaycee, but I wouldn’t mind at all and it’s
past ten.”