The Weight of Love (17 page)

“Well,
Elder
, we’ll see you around.” Tanner laughs and jogs back down the hill. Probably to go back to work.

I step
off the four-wheeler. I don’t want to think about how much further I am from Jaycee than I was even in Anchorage. There’s no quick way out of this place.

This is definitely going to be an experience.

37

JAYCEE

Bridger and I pull up to Lynn’s house for another visit.
I promised him after his first week of school we’d come back.

“You look exhausted.” Lynn opens her door before we make it there.

I sigh. “The current living situation is less than ideal.”

“You two should stay here.” He
r voice is so easy and relaxed that it seems impossible she could have just said what I think she did. “It’s closer to Bridger’s school. It’s quiet.”

“I…
couldn’t.” But that small burden of hope I carry with me is screaming.
YES! Please!

“You could.” She puts an arm on my shoulder. “T
he question is whether it will be harder, or easier, for
you
.”

“Mom, please? This house feels so nice.” Bridger’s hands clasp around mine.

“It feels like so much intrusion on you. I really should just get an apartment or something. I just…”

“Still getting the answer to be patient?” she asks.

“Yes.” It comes out with a rush of breath.

“Jaycee, I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t mean it. You j
ust have to tell me if either of us is making you crazy and I promise to do the same.”

“I’m not sure what I should say.” I step in and the feeling of peace in her house hits me again.
The family pictures stare at me from their place on the wall. Mitchell’s young, smiling face… A reminder that there are parts of him in this house. With him is carried a whole different kind of hope. One that involves me having something I never thought I’d get another chance at.

“Say you’ll stay with us, just for a while.”
She puts an arm around me. It makes me feel like a kid in a way, like I’m being taken care of, but I’m so tired that I don’t mind.

“For a while.” I can’t believe those words just escaped.

“Oh, good.” Her arm squeezes me once before letting go. “I love having you around. It’s a nice connection with my son.”

“For me, too.” Okay, I really can’t believe I
said
that. And what’s interesting here for me, is that there’s this whole connection with Matt’s family, a love for them, but it pulls me down, not up. Not like here.

I guess the difference is the simple idea that Matt was my past, a tragic past and Mitchell is my future. Or, really, he’s the hope of my future.
And the whole thought and idea of him hits me again, forcing a smile on my face.

“Can we stay
tonight
?” Bridger asks.

“We’ll see.”
Now that I’ve said yes, I’m not sure when or how anything should happen.

“Why don’t you leave Bridger here, go get what you need, and come back for
dinner. I’m ordering a pizza tonight.” Her eyes search my face and her smile is warm.

“I can’t…. I mean, I…”
I let out a breath. “I’m sure Kyla and Tom’s house will close soon, and then it would be down to just us.” Surely I could handle just Tom and Kyla.

But then I think about them adopting, and starting their new life over. Alone. And hopefully leaving behind some of what Kyla wanted to leave behind.

“Just say thank you, come stay, and then know how glad I am that you feel comfortable enough to be here, okay?” Her blue eyes are sincere, and I begin to really give in to the idea that this will be okay.

“Thank you. I’ll go brave the city streets and be back. But I can take Bridger…”

“Bridger?” Lynn calls to where he disappeared. “Do you want to ride in the car with your mom or play here with me and Gage?”

I don’t have to wait for his answer. “Again.” I look her in the eye. “Thank you.”
I stand hovering between her and the door. Before I let myself think about it too much, I wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly.

“You’re so welcome.”

And then I’m out. To get my stuff. To stay here. All I can think while going back out to my truck is that even with my life up in the air, things are starting to fall into place.

38

ELDER WORTHEN

The school
’s kitchen is being used to feed everyone. It actually works pretty well, but we’ve eaten what’s left of the frozen meals kept at the small store and we have fish more meals than not. Everyone out here still has fish from last year.

As I walk to the gym with my plate of food I hear a man’s voice singing and the soft strings of a guitar. Pretty cool.

And love is every day

Between you and me

Love is that high flying feeling,

And love’s our reality.

Love is what keeps us together

Even when everything’s rough,

And love lifts us up on those terrible days,

when
we don’t like each other so much…

I step inside to see Tanner, perched on a stool behind an old wooden guitar. And I’m actually not surprised at all. I get wrapped up in the words again.

And miracles breathe through our lives, even when we don’t see

And miracles touch our hearts in ways

That change,

What we

Can be

A miracle is the touch of your fingers

Resting in my hand

Such a simple thing that most people…

Won’t understand…

I rest my back against the wall and slide to the floor as he hits the chorus again.

And love is everyday between you and me,

Love is that highflying feeling,

And love’s our reality,

Love is what keeps us together,

Even when everything’s rough

And love lifts us up on those terrible days when we don’t like each so much

And for my short life, one thing always
get me through. It’s seeing those every day miracles and seeing them in you…

Bishop sits next to me. “That’s one smart kid.”

“Huh?” I take a bite of my fish.

“You ever been in love?” he asks.

“Once.”
With a girl who has no idea that I love her.

“You know.” A far off smile spreads across his face. “You think when you get married that love and like are the same thing.
”

I know they’re not the same thing, but really love is just a stronger version of like
, right? Seems kind of an odd thing to separate.

“I have loved my wife for every second of every minute we’ve been married, but…” his eyes meet mine, “…there have been times when we didn’t like each other as much as we should have.
That’s what the song’s about.”

I just nod. I’m
still not sure I totally understand what he’s talking about.

“Well, I’m off to bed.” He leans forward to stand. “I hope you and Elder Hales appreciate what a unique missionary experience you’re having here.” He makes one last thrust of his body weight forward to move to standing.

“I think we do,” I answer. My body’s wet and there isn’t a muscle that doesn’t hurt, but it feels good to work like we have been.

“Good.” He walks toward the classr
oom we’ve taken over. It’s me, Hales, the bishop and a few of the teenage boys.

I glance up at Tanner before I head out of the gym. His audience is still intent on his playing. Tanner’s making eyes at the same pretty girl he’s been sneaking glances at all day. I wonder if something official’s going on there. I can
’t see her face so there’s really no way to tell.

Of course, I have almost nothing from Jaycee and my heart’s still full of her, so I can’t blam
e Tanner for trying, whether the girl likes him or not.

- - - - -

The school is quiet, but not dark. There’s no way to block all the light from the windows, and the sun goes down, but not far enough for the light to go away. Not until around 1:00 or 2:00 AM. And it’s only dim light for a couple of hours.

“You awake?”
Elder Hales whispers next to me.

“Yep.” I want to make a joke that I am now that he’s spoken to me, but I keep it to myself.

“My girlfriend called it off.” He lets out a heavy sigh.

“Sorry, man.”
What on earth can I tell him to make him feel better? It has to suck.

“Only six months.” Another pause. “I know that I maybe shouldn’t want to be with someone who can’t stay loyal for six month
s, but I really thought we’d…” And I know he won’t talk anymore. Probably because he’s holding back tears and doesn’t want me to know.

“I met a girl on my mission and I don’t know if she’s waiting for me or not because I never said anything to her. As far as I can tell there are two guys who are trying hard for her and my hand
s are tied.” There, it’s out. All of it. More than I’ve told anyone.

“Wow. That really sucks.” There’s a moment of silence. “I mean
, really.”

“Yeah.” I suck in an almost-gasp. “It sucks.”

“I’m glad we’re out here, though. Makes my problem seem a little pathetic and non-important.”

“Yeah.” Jaycee isn’t pathetic or non-important, but this place has definitely given me some perspective. It’s no wonder she called my car ridiculous
. No, wait. She called my car
obnoxious
. Now I get it. Most of these homes we’re fixing cost less than my stupid car. Way less. I could probably re-build half the homes here with what my car cost me.

A few peop
le shift in their sleeping bags. I roll over, try to pretend that sunlight isn’t filtering through the shades at close to midnight, and hope I’ll be able to find sleep.

39

JAYCEE

I
’m all nerves. Luke’s on his way over. It makes me ask myself why I agreed to get together with him. It’s just that Kyla’s so busy getting stuff for her new house and having lunches with Tom and his new job. She’s immersing herself in his family, which is good, I’m happy for her, but I feel at loose ends without her.

I’m on the couch looking out the window when Luke’s small grey Honda pulls up.
As I glance down at my white summer dress, I’m wondering if I should have found something more simple to wear because I’m still not sure how I feel about spending time with him.

“Want to know what my husband looked like?” I
ask Lynn.

She looks over her book.
“Yes.” There’s no hesitation on her end.

I pull back the curtain to watch Luke walk up the front steps.

“He’s handsome.” Her eyes go from Luke to me.

“Yep. And sweet and way too much like his brother.”
I let out a breath as I stand up, step out of the small room and grab the door handle.

“Is that good or bad?”
she asks.

“Both
.” And I don’t mind if they meet, but it all feels too weird. “I’ll see you later.”

I
step outside and close the door behind me.

“So, this is the nice, quiet house,” he says.

“Yep.” I fold my arms in front of me so he doesn’t try to give me a hug or anything.

“I thought, since you’ve never been to Utah, that I could take you downtown.” He smiles a famous Layton brother relaxed smile, immediately putting me at ease.

“Sounds great. I’ve never, since Bridger, had
free
time.” I step toward the passenger’s door.

“And now he’s in school
, and you’re not working, and you do.” Our eyes meet over the top of his car.

We climb in and I’m grateful he didn’t try to get my door.
This is better. More friend-like. “Yeah, but I’m going to have to get a job here soon.”

“Why?”

“Because I have a finite amount of money, Luke.” Then I realize I may have just given him an in for something he might want.
Please don’t say anything. Don’t hint at anything, please…

“But you…” H
e lets out a breath. “Yeah, but you should enjoy it for a little longer.”

“Thanks.
I plan on it.”

Aside from me being a bit paranoid about spending time w
ith Luke, the day is nice. Warm. Spring. Temple square in downtown Salt Lake City is an experience, and I’m sorry that I didn’t wait for Bridger. Luke and I spend close to two hours wandering around together. We slowly make our way through the buildings and the freshly planted flowers. Everything is stunning and peaceful and now that I live here, completely within my reach.

“You need to get back, right? To pick up Bridger from school?”
he asks.

“Yeah.” And again, I’m thankful it’s his idea.
Now I’m worried that he’s actually reading me this well. Knowing what I need. That’s dangerous, too.

His phone rings, he pulls it from his pocket, checks the front and slides it back in again.

“What’s that?” I ask. Him being distracted from me is a good thing. I also have to wonder if he’s spending time with me because the idea’s been planted there, or if he really wants to. I mean, he wants to now that we’re here, but would Luke and I even have any common ground if I hadn’t married his brother?

“
Just Lizzy. I’ll call her back later.”

I stuff my hands in my
snug dress pockets. “You should answer. It’s not nice to leave a girl hanging like that.”

“I told you, we’re not—
”

“I know.” I
stop on the sidewalk. “I’m just sayin’”

He rolls his eyes, pulls out his phone and calls her back.

His voice is relaxed and friendly on the phone. I tune out and look up at the blue sky. The tips of the temple come into view, even from this spot outside temple grounds. I wish I knew something. Something about where Matt is. What he’s doing. Was Kyla right? Were Matt and I together for that short time just to have that short time? Is there a purpose in that I might not know about until later? Maybe not ever? I wonder if he cares about how I feel for Mitchell, his brother…

I laugh out loud on the sidewalk. He’d kill his brother.
Kill
him. The thought nearly doubles me over.

“You okay?”
Luke’s off the phone.

And their voices are so much the same that his calm voice is a huge contrast the frustrated Matt-voice I imagined in my head.
I sit on a bench near one of the small fountains off the corner of Temple Square, wiping tears from my burst of laughing. “Just got lost in something for a minute.”

He sits too close
, our shoulders touch. “Care to share?” He takes my hand in his.

I close my eyes, and
breathe in deep. Even though I know I shouldn’t, I pretend he’s Matt, just for a moment. It’s so much easier with the warmth of someone sitting next to me. Not just warm, but feels the same, looks the same,
smells
the same. Maybe it’s okay to not know all the answers. If I’m listening, feeling prompted to simply
wait
, in my prayers, maybe that’s all I need.

“No. I’m not sharing.”
I shake my head, my eyes still closed. I can do this.
I can move on, but not with you. I’ll carry a part of you for the rest of my life, the part that’s shaped who I am. But I’m moving on.
Really. Truly. Finally.

I drop his hand and stand up
, my white summer dress floating around me. The sun hits me face and I close my eyes again because I’m finally, really not being held back my Matt anymore. From now on, I’m moving forward for Bridger and me, to wherever it leads us. And Matt might have shaped my past and who I am now, but he won’t shape my decisions for the future. Not anymore.