The Will to Love (6 page)

“I never wanted you to feel like a fool or have people think you are a ‘beard.’ Kaz asked me straight out if I planned to come out of the closet and the answer is no. My sexuality is my own business. If I happen to fall for a guy one day, I would shout it from the rooftops but how does me saying I am gay help us to become a stronger couple?”

“It doesn’t.” I murmured against the warmth of his body.

“Then we can put this silly issue to rest. Now, are you goin’ to accompany me to Vegas or not?”

“You bet your sweet ass I’m comin’.” I stepped away from him only slightly and looked into the gorgeous depths of his blue eyes. “Are we going to do this for real? I mean, are you truly serious about us being a normal couple? No more cheating, lies or regrets? Do you really want to be with me because if you don’t…it would kill me to walk away but I can.”

Will let his arms dropped and grabbed my wrists in a possessive way. There was just enough force for him to let me know he was in control of the situation but not enough to truly hurt me. “Is that what you want?”

“Of course not. I’m a selfish bitch and I want to keep you to myself. I hated sharing you with Grant but I put up with it because he’d already owned a piece of your heart and somewhere along the lines, I was stupid and allowed myself to fall in love. But don’t get it twisted, honey. I love you but I can’t go through anything like that again. Not with you…not without wanting to leave in the end.”

“Then you have my word I will never put you in another situation like that. I’m not stupid and I know how badly I hurt you but…it was Grant and we’d been together forever. I know what I did was selfish and inconsiderate but you have to look at it from my point of view. He was the first person I was ever in love with.”

A surge of anger coursed through my veins and I needed to put some distance between us to dampen it. His touch wasn’t making the feeling any easier for me. He had to let me go before I did something I regretted like slapping him across the face.

Will must have sensed a change in me because he loosed his grip on my wrists and allowed me to pull myself free of his touch. I did it quickly like contact with him was akin fire and he’d scorched me all the way to the bone.

I walked out of my office if only to get air and to rid myself of the claustrophobic feeling that was surrounding me. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and ended up outside by the pool. I sat down on a lounge chair and willed the tears not to fall.

How could a man hurt me by telling me the honest to goodness truth? He wasn’t nor had he ever been in love with
me
. Everything still came back to Grant and for some reason, my heart and head hurt and I was on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack.

I felt his presence, even if I wished it away and wanted him to leave me alone.

I knew I had to pack, that our plane for Vegas was leaving tonight. I still had to pack but I was completely consumed by the state of our relationship. He’d dug his way completely under my skin and there was no room left for anyone else or rational thoughts on my part. Unfortunately, the issue came from him and not me. I had more than enough room in my heart for him but was there enough in his heart for me?

I needed a drink but I needed a Xanax more. I fished an emergency one out of the platinum locket I wore that looked like a regular necklace but was actually a miniature pill box. I kept a couple of my precious anti-anxiety pills in it just in case I wasn’t close enough to my purse and this seemed like an emergency to me if there ever was one.

The pill tasted of bitterness and my own feelings of contempt, rejection and anger for the one man I loved but who had chosen to reject me without even realizing he’d hurt my feelings in the first place.

This was not how I envisioned the love of my life to be; the happy ending every woman wanted but somehow found elusive, was of my own making and I’d chosen my own fate. A life of never being enough, never being able to measure up, never being what the man I loved truly wanted because I didn’t have a dick.

Sometimes it sucked being a woman and for me, this—along with periods, mood swings, and having breasts that were often more tempting to look at than my face—added up to one huge pain in the ass.

Will walked outside and knelt before me. “Fuck. What the hell did I do now?”

“Nothing,” I said before I turned to look at the pool and swallowed, the harsh bitterness of the Xanax pill still left in my mouth. “I realize everything that has happened between us is on me. Grant always came first and I was a distant second but now that he’s gone and has decided to make a life with my sister, I truly wonder if there is any room past that empty spot he’s left inside of you for me. We don’t choose who we fall in love with and God knows if I could take my feelings back for you, I would.”

I paused and stared into those vast pools of blue. “But I can’t and I won’t. Now, the onus is on you. Do you or don’t you want to be with me? If you can’t, I truly understand because it just isn’t the way you’re hardwired. We were never supposed to be in the first place. However, if you do want me, then it has to be just you and I. No one else and certainly no one night stands or interlopers. I have to know I can trust you or we won’t work out. Do you understand that?”

He nodded, his silky blond hair blowing in the soft breeze. “Of course I want to be with you or I wouldn’t have said no to coming out and I sure as hell wouldn’t have invited you to Vegas. If this works out and we sign this contract, this affects your life just as much as it does mine. I can understand if what we have isn’t important enough for you to uproot your life and change everything just to be with me.”

“Oh, but it is…and my question to you is can you make that sacrifice because no matter how you look at our situation, you are doing something that is against your very nature. You’re denying a part of yourself to be with me and I can’t help but feel like I am the most selfish bitch in the world for making you do that.”

“Listen to me,” Will said as he grabbed my jaw with both hands and held my face softly. “I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do. If you’ll have me then I’m yours. It’s as simple as that.”

I nodded and we kissed each other on the lips before I embraced him. I couldn’t understand why I was holding on so tight and then it hit me like a baseball bat to the side of the head. I was scared if I didn’t hold him like he was the only man in the world, he might disappear and leave me all alone with my emotions and the thought was too much to bear.

Chapter Four

Will

WILL COULDN’T BELIEVE how fast Laurel could pack but she’d prepared herself for a weekend in Vegas with more than enough time for them to spare.

He knew why she was upset and afraid but it didn’t change how he felt about her nor did it make him want to justify himself any more than he’d already done at that point. Yes, he still found men to be attractive and women generally repulsed him but there was something about Laurel he found so alluring, exciting and sexy he was willing to trade all his usual awful thoughts about the female sex to put up with her.

Will wasn’t Grant and he didn’t know if he could make her a life-long commitment but the good news happened to be she wasn’t looking for one, not at this point. She merely wanted someone to love her for her and he could appreciate and respect that.

How couldn’t he care about her when she was vulnerable in so many ways though she also happened to be one of the strongest people he’d ever met?

He admired her determination and tenacity to make things happen and more than that, he couldn’t help but be impressed how she snagged a fag like him and actually made him crave her as much as he’d needed Grant and his cock.

Political correctness be damned, he could really give a rat’s ass about the whole “gay cause” and how he was supposed to “stay true to himself.” He loved Laurel in his own way and as awful as it was to admit, she’d always been his Plan B if Plan A hadn’t worked out.

Will’s Plan A had walked right out of his life and into the loving arms of the perfect woman who complimented him in every way. Sasha had made Grant a better person and what she’d inspired in the music he made was pure magic.

“You’re a drug but Sasha is my muse. Tell me, if you were me, which would
you
choose?”

That was the last statement Grant had made to him and at the time he’d
chosen
not to understand but it all made sense now and he couldn’t plead ignorance.

Though not artistically inclined herself, there was something about Sasha that inspired him and when an artist was inspired, there was no stopping that rush of emotion and feeling just waiting to be spilled onto paper, a music note or a beat.

As clichéd as it sounded, Grant’s muse turned out to be a person and when a musician found one, they rarely let them go. It was considered almost bad luck therefore when she’d proposed her ultimatum, the decision was an easy one for him to make, despite him blowing a friendship and something much more intimate that had occupied his life for more than five years.

Fucking women and their conniving schemes.

Not that men were much better and if it had been another man, Will wasn’t sure whether or not he’d have been sitting in prison on manslaughter charges. The only saving grace about the situation happened to be Sasha and the position she held. She was their press manager and therefore untouchable.

He might have hated what she’d done but he could never truly despise her. No one wanted to share their lover and he understood her logic.

Will and Laurel left for LAX with more than three hours until their flight left for Las Vegas. It didn’t come as a complete surprise once they arrived at the airport lounge, Sasha was upon him like a cheap suit.

“What’s going on?” she inquired with a cold tone in her voice. “Laurel doesn’t know what’s happening and neither do I. Are you coming out or what?”

He glared into her cold amber eyes and wished he could just shrug her off. What the fuck was it with people and their need to know what was happening in
his
personal life?

“I’m not
coming
out and I didn’t ask Kaz to clear it with Dom because it isn’t something I should need clearance
for
. Sexuality isn’t a choice and I didn’t decide at birth I wanted to be gay—it’s how I’ve always felt. If you can’t understand that then I pity you.” He folded his arms against his chest in a defensive stance and dared her to question him further.

“Yeah, I know about all of that but cut the
shit
, Will. That is my sister’s life you’re playing with so if you wanna tell everyone about how you’ve been gay and how proud you are of your homosexuality then let me know so I can do my
job
. The world doesn’t revolve around you and Scarlet Fever is
bigger
than Will Cullen. You
can
be replaced but the band cannot, not when there is so much money on the line.”

“Listen, Sasha, I just told you I didn’t plan on making any sweeping gestures or surprise announcements the press concerning my sexual orientation. Is there something wrong with you’re hearing? Do you have to get the wax cleaned out of your goddamn ears to understand the words comin’ outta my mouth?”

Her dark eyes flared. “You know what? Fuck you and I hope Laurel ends up dumping you in the end because you’re not worth it and the truth is, you never were.”

He smiled though it was mirthless and never reached his crystal blue eyes. “Laurel isn’t going anywhere and I’m not making a statement announcing my sexual orientation because it’s no one’s fuckin’ business, you got that?”

“Sasha, what’re you doing?”

Will turned to see Laurel at the same time as her sister.

“You know what I’m doing because we discussed it earlier today. I’m trying to get information so I can do my job.” Sasha dismissed her sister and focused her gaze back on Will.

“We both know this isn’t the time or the place. If you want to ask him questions then do it when we get to Vegas, not here at the airport. It’s not that important and you know it. You don’t have anything to announce within the next few days except your own engagement so leave Will the hell alone.”

Sasha opened and closed her mouth before she walked off and joined Grant in the private lounge they all shared.

“Thanks for saving my ass,” Will murmured as he grabbed Laurel by the waist and pulled her close.

“I know she doesn’t mean anything by it but she’s never been the most tactful of people and let’s face it, that’s what makes her so great for PR but still…she should at least be able to see that this is a difficult time for you at the moment. Her questions were out of line and with you losing Grant as a friend…not just what you two were to one another sexually…she should know better. It’s not the time or the place to discuss this.” Laurel slid her hands around his neck but she didn’t attempt to kiss him.

“So, why do you all the sudden give a shit after what I put you through?”

“What? I’m a bit confused by your question.”

“No matter how I slice it or dice it, what I did to you with Grant is still considered cheating. I was unfaithful and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference you knew about it. I didn’t stay true to you and I allowed the history we had together to trump our relationship. You shouldn’t be defending me—perhaps your sister has a good point and I’m just some piece of shit who doesn’t deserve you and never did.” Will’s eyes never bothered to meet hers because he didn’t want to see the truth in her eyes.

Laurel dropped her arms from around his neck and pressed her hands against his chest as she shook her head adamantly. “Sasha has
never
said that to me, and furthermore, what happens between us is our business. She’s my sister, not my ward—I’ve been in my fair share of toxic relationships and believe me when I say that what you and I have is one of the most healthiest places I’ve been in a long time.”

“How can you say that when you’ve admitted to me how much I’ve hurt you? Yes, it would be different in Vegas but not much changes other than our location. You should know that after touring the world with me. At the end of the day, I’m still me and you’re still you.”

“True but we take responsibility for our actions, Will.” She stared at him and he realized he could get lost in those pools of hazel-green so easily. “No more cop outs about love and feelings and emotions getting in the way with what we have together. There’s no longer anything between you and Grant but a working relationship and as long as it stays that way then there will always be room here for you and us. I don’t give up easily—then again, you already know that.”

Will opened his mouth to speak as Kaz strolled in looking pissed off. Their flight was announced and he knew what he was about to tell Laurel could wait until they boarded the plane.

Laurel smiled and nodded as if she innately understood why he chose to stay quiet. He’d never been so happy they had that ability to read one another’s body language and he pressed her body close against his.

He buried his face in her hair and smelled the delicious scent of her shampoo, the jazzy fragrance of SJP NYC coming off her flesh and she smelled like home. His own slice of heaven on earth where he desperately needed to be at that moment.

Everyone, including the members of Scarlet Fever—sans Jaden—headed toward the private plane, courtesy of Introspect Records, and boarded the flight.

Kaz sat by himself in the back of the jet and appeared to be extremely pissed off but no one would dare ask him what was wrong. It was obvious since Sydney hadn’t bothered to accompany him to Vegas. Meanwhile Will sat next to Laurel near the front of the plane while Grant and Sasha took seats toward the middle of the plane.

The private luxury jet was stocked with all the best booze, food and electronic equipment available and the flight attendants were beautiful and attentive to everyone on board.

“Why isn’t Syd here?” Laurel wondered loud enough for only Will to hear.

“Apparently she’s not up for any flights and she’s been going through some personal problems with Kaz. It certainly isn’t like he’s going to tell us what’s going on in his relationship, know what I mean?” He buckled his seat belt and pulled her closer to him. “Besides, she’s your best friend. I was hoping you would be able to shed light on their situation.”

She laughed out loud before she kissed the side of his face. “Honey, Syd and I aren’t as close as we used to be. Didn’t you know? When she has problems, she goes to Talia, not me. I have no idea what is going on in that brain of hers except she was complaining a bit how Kaz doesn’t respect her or ask her for her input anymore. That isn’t such a great idea if he wants to keep her because she’s grown a lot since her birthday. I think we all have and if he continues to treat her like a piece of arm candy, the future does not bode well for those two.”

He turned toward her and looked into those gorgeous hazel-green irises. “Do you think I do that to you?”

She shrugged and looked away from him. “Perhaps in the beginning you did and with good reason. It’s really hard to go from dating rich playboys to a rock star and after what happened between Grant and I a couple years ago, I didn’t know what he’d told you about the situation. Suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant for me to find out you two were more than friends. It made me think you treated me like a whore because I deserved it.”