Their Marriage Reunited (11 page)

“All couples argue, that’s part of a good marriage.” Connor pointed out.

“It’s also a good path to divorce,” Lilly said. Realising that he wasn’t going to win and that they were getting away from the subject Connor decided to bring the conversation back to what had really interested him.

“So you were telling me about how your father talked you in to leaving me,” Connor reminded her. He could have sworn that Lilly actually paled at that reminder.

“My father didn’t talk me in to leaving you. He simply preyed on my fears,” Lilly said. That perked Connor’s interests. What exactly had her father done that had made her think she was better off without him?

“What fears were those?” he asked in as casual a manner as he could manage.

“The fear that we wouldn’t make it and that you would find someone else. The fear that I wasn’t good enough for you,” Lilly said. That shocked Connor for he’d had no idea that Lilly had ever felt that way, hadn’t thought that he’d ever given her the opportunity to doubt him. Everything in his life had revolved around his family and providing for them. He didn’t have a clue where she’d have gotten the idea that he would have the inclination to cheat on her let alone the time or energy.

“Why didn’t you talk to me about this?” he asked. It killed him that she had been suffering silently when he could have reassured her that there was nobody he wanted more than her. Ever since he’d met her she’d been the only one for him and he’d had no intention of looking elsewhere.

“Because I thought I was just being stupid,” Lilly said and Connor realised that meant she’d been persuaded that her fears weren’t silly or misguided.

“What changed your mind?” he asked cautiously.

“My father showed me a photo,” she said. Connor didn’t like the sound of that. What possible photographic evidence could her father have provided?

“What was in the photo?” he asked even though he really didn’t want to face the truth.

“It’s silly,” Lilly said as she suddenly tried to backtrack the conversation. Connor wasn’t having that though. Now that she was finally opening up to him he intended to hear the whole truth.

“It must have been a hell of a lot more than silly if it drove you away from me,” he countered. There was silence for a few moments and he could see the indecision written all over her face as she debated whether to tell him the truth. He waited silently, even though what he really wanted to do was force her to tell him everything. All of a sudden he felt like he was living in the dark, surrounded by secrets and lies.

“It sound ridiculous now,” she said finally. He kept his unwavering gaze fixed firmly on her. She said one thing but he could see that she meant another. She might want him to believe that whatever she’d thought was stupid but he could see in her eyes that she still thought there was a glimmer of truth to it. That look killed him because he couldn’t understand what the hell he’d done that she could think so badly of him.

“Just tell me,” he said in as calm a voice as he could manage. Lilly took a deep steadying breath and turned slightly away from him as she gazed out at the view but he knew that she wasn’t seeing anything other than the past.

“My father never liked you. He told me that it was because he could see that I loved you,” Lilly said in an emotionless voice. Connor frowned at what she was saying because wasn’t it every dads dream to have someone fall head over heels in love with their daughter?

“Why was that a bad thing?” Connor asked. Lilly turned to him though he could tell that she was still looking at the past.

“Because he’d loved my mother deeply and she’d ripped his heart out and stomped on it until there was nothing left,” Lilly explained in that toneless voice. Connor frowned again because she still wasn’t making any sense.

“That was your parents, that wasn’t us.”

“My father thought it would be,” Lilly said and things started to click in to place for Connor.

“He never thought I was good enough for you,” Connor said. Lilly gave a wan smile at that even as a tear slipped free and trailed down her cheek.

“That was the problem. He thought you were too good for me. My father had loved my mother with everything he had and she’d turned around and destroyed every part of the good man he once was. He knew that I’d fallen for you long before I did and he thought that you would be the one who would destroy me. He told me that he thought you would one day turn on me and crush my heart and take away all the good parts that made me who I was,” Lilly said as the tears flowed faster. Connor only just stopped himself from taking her in to his arms. He hated to see her in so much pain but he needed to understand and this could be his only chance.

“Why would your father think I would do that to you? I love all the things that make you who you are and I would never have destroyed one part of that,” he ground out. Lilly gave a harsh laugh that sounded like nails scraping down a chalkboard to him.

“He thought that our relationship was doomed to destroy me. The funniest part is that it wasn’t you who destroyed all the goodness in me, it was him.”

“What do you mean?” Connor asked. He didn’t know what the hell she was going on about but she wasn’t making any sense.

“My father was the reason that I lost our baby and I will never forgive him for that,” Lilly said and Connor could only watch in stunned silence as Lilly got up and ran back to the room, leaving him sitting there more confused than ever.

Connor stayed where he was for a few moments as he tried to work out what the hell Lilly had been going on about. He’d understood that somehow her father was to blame for her leaving him but he had no idea how and he definitely had no idea how her father could possibly be to blame for what had happened to their baby. He especially didn’t understand why she’d left instead of just talking to him about it. He wanted to be the quiet, supportive husband who didn’t push too far and didn’t make her any more upset than she already was. The problem was that he wasn’t feeling like the supportive husband right now, instead he was feeling like the idiot whose wife had abandoned him and was still lying to him even after all this time. He daren’t go after her just yet because he wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. He wanted to go to her and haul her in to his arms and offer all his strength and comfort. The problem was that he had the suspicion that he would be more likely to fly off the handle and demand answers that she wasn’t prepared to give.

Connor waited ten minutes for his anger to cool slightly and then he went after her. He wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore but he knew that he had to know what had driven her from him all those years ago. No matter how much she might deny it she was still holding herself back from him and he wanted to know why.

He strode in to the room they were sharing and was stunned to find her waiting for him with something clutched against her chest. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to find but he certainly hadn’t expected to find her waiting to explain things to him.

“I know that I behaved badly and I’m sorry,” she said slowly. She seemed to be choosing her words very carefully and it pissed him off more though he wasn’t sure why.

“You behaved badly?” he repeated incredulously and she had the good grace to blush. He wouldn’t call ignoring him for years behaving badly. He would call it a living hell that he hadn’t been sure he would survive.

“I was out of my depth and I wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship you wanted,” she tried to defend herself. Connor wasn’t having that though. How dared she accuse him of being the guilty one here?

“You weren’t ready? It sure felt like you were, sweetheart,” Connor said and had the pleasure of watching another blush stain her cheeks.

“I didn’t mean..”

“What? You didn’t mean that you weren’t ready to share a bed with me? You weren’t ready for marriage? Or you weren’t ready for our baby?” he demanded and felt slightly bad when her face drained of colour. All that was left was a pale face with big hed eyes that pulled at the heart he’d thought long dead.

“I didn’t mean that,” she said softly.

“Then what the hell did you mean?” he demanded. She swallowed nervously and glanced away for a few seconds before looking back at him.

“I was more than ready to sleep with you and I was beyond ready to become your wife and our baby would have been the greatest gift we could have had,” she told him firmly. He felt slightly better that she didn’t regret their whole relationship but she had a way of confusing him and spinning him in circles. It was starting to piss him right off.

“Then what weren’t you ready for?” he demanded. She cast him a nervous glance and then sighed and dropped her gaze to stare at the floor.

“You,”

“Me?” he demanded incredulously.

“Yes you,” she said and her gaze shot up to glare at him. Fire sparked from them and he wondered just how long she’d been holding back this anger.

“What the hell did I do? Other than be played for a fool?” he asked mildly and if anything her glare grew more heated.

“You were perfect. You were kind and gentle, rich and amazing in bed,” she said. Connor frowned at this list of his attributes.

“I’m wondering where exactly the problem comes in to it,” he drawled and she began pacing as frustration wound its way through her.

“You were too perfect. You were the handsomest, smartest and best man I knew. Everyone who met you adored you and everyone wanted to be you,” she said. He frowned again. It felt like the frown should be a permanent feature these days.

“Let me get this straight. You left me because I was too perfect,” he said and she ran a hand through her hair as she sighed.

“I’m not explaining this very well,” she admitted. He could agree with her there. He was still no clearer on what had run her out of his bed.

“Try harder,” he suggested and she glared at him again.

“I felt like nobody when I was stood next to you,” she flung at him. He froze at the accusation.

“I never did anything to make you feel like that,” he denied with absolute certainty. He had loved her with all his heart and she had been the only woman in his whole world.

“It wasn’t you, it was them. They all acted like I was something that you had scraped up off the pavement,” she said.

“Them?”

“All of the people that were always surrounding you. I know it sounds stupid but I felt out of my depth and I didn’t realise how much until now,” she admitted.

“Why now?” he asked. Surely if she had felt this way through their marriage then there could have been a way for her to raise the subject with him.

“Because I found this and I realised that I was an idiot and that I let my insecurities get the best of me,’ she said. His curiosity got the better of him as she held out a small photo and he took it and glanced down. He was surprised to find a picture of him and Alexa together. They were kissing under the mistletoe and he remembered the moment that this was taken. What he didn’t know was how his wife had come to have it.

“Where did you get this?” he demanded.

“My father gave it to me,” she said. His head snapped up at that as everything finally clicked in to place and he realised what had driven her from him.

“Your father told you I was having an affair,” he said in a cold voice and she winced but nodded.

“Yes,” she confirmed.

“You believed him,” he stated. He didn’t even really need to hear her answer. Of course she’d believed him or she wouldn’t have run from him the way she did.

“I wasn’t sure what to believe. I saw that picture and all these doubts just came rushing to the surface and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. It was like every horrible nightmare I’d had coming true and I couldn’t handle it,” she whispered.

“What happened?” he demanded. He’d never fully known what had happened that day. All he’d known was that he’d woken up with a loving wife and a baby on the way, then everything had changed and his wife hadn’t wanted him any more and his baby had been dead.

“I couldn’t believe that what I was seeing was true. I stormed out of there and was determined to come and find you,” she told him and her eyes pleaded with him to believe her.

“You didn’t though,” he said.

“No,’ she confirmed.

“Why not?” he asked. If she’d only come to him then he could have explained everything and they wouldn’t have spent so many years apart from each other.

“I was going to but then I started doubting everything. I started wondering if people were right to look down at me. I wasn’t good enough for you. Alexa had always had this connection with you that I didn’t understand,” she said. Connor stared at her incredulously. Was she serious?

“I told you why I was always there for Alexa,” he told her and she shrugged.

“Yes. You told me that she was married to your brother and that she needed someone to cry on. The problem is that I never met your brother or saw the reason why she needed a shoulder to cry on. I certainly never saw why it had to be my husband,” she hissed and he finally realised that maybe these insecurities weren’t one sided.

“I didn’t know you felt like that,” he admitted gruffly. If he’d known then maybe he would have distanced himself or done something different. Problem was that he hadn’t been given a chance.

“Neither did I until I saw those pictures,” she said.

“So, you saw those pictures,” he prompted.

“Right. It was like every doubt attacked me at once and every time I thought about that photo I couldn’t seem to find any other reason for you to be kissing her. My father said other stuff too and he showed me documents and proof,” she said. Connor’s brows drew together at this.

“What kind of proof?” he demanded. He didn’t like that her father had managed to turn her against him so easily. He’d thought their relationship was stronger than that.

“I don’t remember. Documents and things,” she said as tears began flowing but he was unrelenting.

“What documents?” he demanded.

“I’m not sure. He said that you were only with me for the hotels and that you knew who I was before we met and that you never loved me,” she said and Connor froze at that.

“You didn’t believe any of that nonsense did you?” he asked and she shook her head.

“Not then,” she whispered. Connor couldn’t believe it. That meant that at one time she’d believed him capable of all that crap her father had been spouting. How could she believe such awful things about him?

“So tell me what happened,” he encouraged. She took a deep steadying breath before continuing.

“Like I said, it was the photo that got me. It was like all these doubts and fears that I hadn’t even realised I had came rushing to the surface and they overwhelmed me. It was like this darkness was closing in and threatening to drown me and then there was all this pain. I looked down and realised that the pain was real and that there was blood. Then I must have passed out because the next thing I remember was waking up and finding out our baby was dead,” she said. She hung her head in shame and he felt a wave of sympathy for her.

“Honey, that wasn’t your fault.”

“No, it was my father’s,’ she hissed. Connor couldn’t help himself. He moved closer and enveloped her in his arms. It felt like heaven to have her back where she belonged again.

“It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It could have happened even if none of that had happened,” Connor told her. He’d read enough about miscarriages since losing their baby that he knew these things sometimes couldn’t be helped.

“If I hadn’t listened, if I hadn’t doubted then our baby would still be here.”

It almost killed Connor to see her looking so guilty when it wasn’t anything they could have controlled.

“Honey, it wasn’t your fault. The stress probably didn’t help but you wouldn’t just have lost our baby from that. It was just bad timing that it happened at the same time you were going through a crisis,” he murmured as he stroked a hand through her hair in a soothing gesture.

“If I hadn’t been so stupid then our baby might have lives,” she denied. He sighed and drew her closer in to the circle of his arms.

“Maybe our baby wouldn’t have died right then if it wasn’t for your father but we still would have lost it. The only difference would have been that we had each other to turn to,” he said. Lilly’s sobs grew louder at that and she clung tightly to him.

“I ruined everything because I was too pathetic to believe in us,” Lilly sniffled. Connor couldn’t help his heart going out to her. He’d spent years trying to figure out what had driven her from him and how he could have prevented it but now he was just glad she was back in his arms.

“You didn’t ruin anything. Look around you Lil, we’re still here and we’re together.”

Lilly’s sniffling slowed and she glanced up in surprise.

“You still want to give us another go?” she asked in a mix of surprise and hopefulness.

“You’re my wife and if I haven’t given up in the years since we’ve been separated then what makes you think I will now? Just one thing though, why did you realise the photo wasn’t real now?” he asked. It had been bugging him since she’d shown him the picture.

“The mistletoe. When I first saw the photo it never occurred to me to look deeper in to it and even when I did I didn’t realise the significance because it wasn’t something my family had ever done. It was when I moved in with mom that I realised. Her and my stepdad used to stop under it every year and even though he loves her with all his heart he would still give a quick kiss if he was caught under the mistletoe with another woman,” she explained.

“What about since then? You’ve had the photo all this time and that never occurred to you when you looked at it before?” he asked. She blushed at that.

“I didn’t look at it,” she admitted.

“Why not?”

“Because it was too painful to look at what I thought was proof that you didn’t love me,” she tried to explain. He could understand that. If anyone had shown him a picture of Lilly kissing someone else then he wouldn’t have been able to look at it.

The emotions of the day had become too much for Lilly and Connor made an executive decision as he lifted her in to his arms and carried her the few steps to the bed. She wrapped her arms around his neck and clung to him.

“I still love you,” he murmured as he lowered her to the bed and she stared at him in surprise.

“Really? Even after everything?” she asked and he smiled.

“I have never stopped loving you since the day I met you,” he admitted and she blushed at that.

“I love you too,” she confessed.