There Once Were Stars (13 page)

My mouth drops open—I’m trapped again, but this time with words. I can’t think of an argument to defend myself, my mind is racing so fast, so I throw my hands up in exasperation.

“Don’t tell me you like him.” Jak’s tone is cruel, but his eyes show the truth. He’s hurt.

My stomach tightens and my mouth goes dry—I need to get out of this hallway. “He’s a colleague. Nothing more.” I push past Jak and walk into my room.

He follows me inside.

“I’m sorry,” his voice softens. “I saw you two together and I felt a little jealous.”

“There’s nothing between us.” This isn’t a lie. Evan made that clear.

The corners of his eyes lift. “I’m happy to hear that. Now I want to tell you why I came to see you. I know you feel cooped up inside the Axis, stuck with the same people every day, so I’m inviting you to a night with the Director and the Delegates next week.”

I stare at him, blinking rapidly as he continues. “I know we’ll still be here in the Axis, but it’s a special night for me. I find out if I get to stay as Assistant Director permanently.”

I force a smile on my face. “That’s great news.”

“So, do you forgive me, then, for being so presumptuous about you and Evan? I’d love it if you would be my date?” His eyes dance with excitement.

“Of course I will.” I nod. “It’s your dream come true.”

“You’re my dream come true.” He reaches to grab my hand, but I step back, making him flinch.

“Sorry.”
No, I’m not.
I shake my head. “It’s been a long day. I’m exhausted. I need to get to bed.”

He nods but his mouth contorts, trying to hold a smile. He turns to leave, but hesitates at the door. “You know how much you mean to me, right?” His back stiffens as his voice comes out flat.

“I do.” My body tenses, waiting for Jak’s reaction. His broad shoulders finally relax and his blond hair stays in place as he nods. His six-foot frame fills the doorway as he walks out of my room. My heart feels like it’s going to explode from my chest.

“Good night, Nat.” His voice softens.

The door slides shut behind him and I collapse on my bed. Jak is an added pressure I can’t handle. I have to find a way to make him understand I’m not ready for something serious. All I need right now is a good friend. Thankfully, my mind is gracious and allows me to fall sleep at once.

The next morning I go to the cafeteria for breakfast and eye up Sophia, the cafeteria lady. She’s the same age as Grandmother, but nicer. Every morning she tries to get me to eat something she’s cooked.

“The fruit girl returns,” she says, as I pass by with my tray. “Want to try some eggs or bacon today?” I shake my head. “You’re going to put me out of business with all this fruit you eat. Look at you, you’re too skinny. You need to put some meat on your bones, for that boyfriend of yours.”

“Boyfriend?” I almost drop my tray. “You’re wrong. Evan and I are just friends.”

“Mm-hmm.” Her brows push together. “Well, whatever he is, I haven’t seen your friend yet. He usually beats you here.”

I leave the line and make my way to the tables. Is Sophie one of Evan’s secret friends? She seems to have a particular interest in him. I put the thought out of my mind when I see Roe’s table has an empty spot, but I hesitate when I see Tassie’s bouncing curls across from her.

“C’mon, Roe,” Tassie pleads. “I’ve been reading about the plant life outside. I have some great ideas on what samples to gather.”

Roe spots me hanging back and glowers at me. “I hear I have you to thank for this.” She motions to Tassie.

“Sorry.” I sit in the empty seat, looking around the room, avoiding Roe’s frown.

“Looking for your buddy?” Roe asks. “You won’t find him. I sent him on a mission before breakfast, but he should be back before lunch.”

I pick at my fruit, but I can’t seem to find an appetite. The distaste for wasting it is the only reason I force down a few bites. I wish Evan was here. After our departure yesterday, I want to see if things will return to normal. Finally I give up on my food, and leave Tassie pestering Roe.

Inside the lab, Waldorf is half-visible, ducked inside a large box. I slip onto a stool next to him, just as he pulls out a gadget. He jumps when he sees me, and almost knocks his glasses off.

“What’s that?” I look around him and notice the box is marked
Hall of Records
.

“Our expedition made me think of some items we found long ago. Some were useful, while others were more frivolous, like this decorative item. He holds up a funny shaped glass object. No room for items that don’t have a purpose, in a dome with limited space.”

“What is this object’s purpose, then?”

“As far as I can tell, it exists simply for its beauty.”

“Imagine living in a world that can just enjoy beauty. Wouldn’t it be nice to move outside the dome? Then things like this could be everywhere.”

“You sound like your mother when you talk like that.
We could build houses over here
, she would say
. Waldorf, you could have a little reading hut over here
. Those were the best days. Lots of excitement back then.”

His watery eyes blink, and I look away. Was he close to my parents?
They had never talked about their co-workers. They would leave their day life behind in the Axis when they came home at night, or I was just too young to pay attention.

I fumble with the object, a small, circular piece of glass with a black line pointing from its center to one side. It has a familiarity, but I have no idea why.

“There was a piece that attached to it, but I can’t find it in here.” Waldorf bangs his hands on the top of the box. “It must have been packed separately. I hope it wasn’t lost after all these years.”

“It reminds me of something.”

“It might. It was one of your mother’s favorites. I believe she took it home to study.”

That’s right; it’s part of a set. Memories of Mom working at her desk flood my thoughts. A triangular-shaped stand is missing—the circle used to sit inside it. I used to look through it, and objects looked larger—Mom used it to examine her maps and artifacts. A magnifying glass. But I don’t remember the black line being on it before. I scratch it with my fingernail and a small section scrapes away. Who would have drawn it there? Plus it seemed silly, without its handle.

Maybe I could use this as an excuse to see Xara?

“Cara Douglass works at the Hall of Records. She might be able to help find the other piece.”

Waldorf smiles, lost again in his memories. “Her husband, Jon, was quite the joke teller. He could always lighten up a serious situation.”

“His daughter, Xara, got that from him. Could I get permission to go there? I grew up with her daughter Xara, who works there now. We could all look.”

“That is a splendid idea.” Waldorf’s face beams with excitement. “We have to get through some red tape for an outing. Let me see if I can find a way to make it official business.” He gives me a wink. I like Waldorf. He’s sincere.

“Thank you, thank you!” Tassie’s voice enters the lab. She’s hot on Roe’s heels. “You are not going to regret this, I swear. I am fully prepared. I even have a pre-made list of samples to collect. Ooh, I am so excited!”

Before I can congratulate her, Evan comes through the door behind them. We make eye contact, but I quickly break it and turn back to Waldorf. My heart beats faster.

“Did everyone miss me?” Evan calls out.

“Oh, Evan!” Tassie squeals. “I get to come on your next expedition.” I turn and catch her hugging him, from the corner of my eye. “Promise me, please, that you’ll take me to the meadow you and Nat saw?” She blinks her long lashes up at him.

“Sure will.” Evan smiles, then turns and catches me staring at their embrace. I jerk my attention back to Waldorf, instantly feeling my skin crawl as I shift in my seat.

Tassie squeals one last time and leaves the lab. Evan and Roe go into her office, leaving the door open. I glance over my shoulder again. He’s hands over a long tube that he brought with him. She opens the end, and pulls large papers out, unrolling them across her desk. Where did she send Evan? Why would she trust an Outsider with special duties?

“Nat, did you hear me?” Waldorf nudges me.

“Hmm?” I turn back to him. “I’m sorry, I was distracted.”

“You are so like your mother,” Waldorf tries to smile but his red eyes give him away. “I heard you used to have a little notebook, like she always did. That’s where she kept all her secrets.” He leans in close. “There are no secrets from the Order, you know.”

I eye Waldorf, carefully shifting in my seat to put a little more distance between us. Is he warning me, or advising me? His lips turn from serious back to their soft smile.

“That’s why she kept the notebook,” he whispers, looking around the room. “To keep an informal record—offline—something that couldn’t be tampered with in the system.”

“What was she keeping a record of?” I whisper back.

“Mostly her thoughts,” Waldorf says. “She met often with other departments and would come up with some of the most interesting conclusions. She was absolutely brilliant. A scientist through and through. Back then, all the departments were allowed to mingle. That’s how she fell for your father.”

“Really?” I’ve never heard this story.

“Yes. He was a Microbiologist—the elite of the Axis scientists.”

“Why would he leave that department?”

“He was always in love with her,” Waldorf explains. “Who could blame him? From the moment they met at the Learning Institute, he chased after her, but she was much too focused on her career.”

“How did he win her over?”

“I have no idea,” Waldorf sighs. “Chemistry, perhaps. All I know is, one day she fell in love, he transferred to our division, and she was never the same again.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“A beautiful mind is a terrible thing to waste.” He stares at the glass object in my hands. “Your mother’s focus shifted and her potential was affected. Love has that effect on people. Your father was an unnecessary distraction.”

I don’t appreciate hearing Waldorf talk about my dad like this. It sounds like he was jealous. “Did you know my father well?”

“We grew up in the same neighborhood. The dome is small enough that everyone knows each other in one way or another, don’t they?”

“That’s true.”

“Speaking of friends,” he packs up the rest of the box, “I am going to go put in a request for you to visit the Hall of Records right now. I’m sure it won’t be a problem.” I reach out to hand him the magnifier. “Keep it for good luck.” He winks at me and walks out of the lab.

I turn back, but Evan and Roe are no longer in her office. The papers they were looking at are lying in the open for anyone to see. I slowly walk over to her door to see what the big deal is.

Large survey maps are spread out on Roe’s desk. Each is a different point of view from the dome. I step inside and shuffle through them. There’s nothing remarkable about these. They must be preparing for the next expedition. I’m about to drop the pile, when I notice some writing on the bottom map. My breath catches in my throat; it’s my mother’s writing.

On impulse, I grab the bottom map, fold it up, and hide it in the back of my pants. I slip out of the lab, no one paying attention to me as Waldorf has already left. I go straight to my room, not daring to pull out the map until I’m alone.

Thankfully, Tassie is still gone. The second our bedroom door slides shut, I stand over my bed, blocking the view of the camera, and carefully lay out the map, setting the glass object on the corner to hold the paper in place. Smoothing the paper out, I run my fingers over my mother’s words. She must have used this map while planning one of her expeditions. She could have visited these places, mapping out where to go. The word
Meadow
jumps out at me. It’s the meadow I found with Evan.

When I used to walk to school from my grandparents’ apartment, or to the Douglass’ to pick up Xara, I would think about how my mother had once walked in the same steps. But those paths were well trodden, and her steps would have been covered up by hundreds of other residents making the same trips every day.

But on the outside, well, that was different; the outside was untouched. The cleansing bombs wiped out all sign of previous footprints. The next to walk that ground were my mother and her crew. Seeing the word
Meadow
, reminds me she once walked there. I had been as close to walking with her as I would be ever again. Tears well up in my eyes. My biggest regret is having her notebook destroyed. Not because of the secrets that Waldorf says it holds—I read through it thousands of times over the last ten years and no trade secrets had jumped out at me from its pages. I regret it because that was the last real connection I had with my parents. It was the last piece of them, and I foolishly got rid of it for fear of what would happen if it was found.

I wipe my eyes. I’m tired of crying, and tired of regrets. There is nothing I can do about the past. I need to be strong. I look back down at the map, reading the other words my mother wrote,
Forest
and
River
. I trace my fingers between the three words. My mother’s words. My mother’s steps. My mother’s—notebook. My finger freezes on the word
River
. My mother’s notebook talks about the meadow, the forest, and the river. That was where she wanted to take me one day. She mapped these out and connected them, like they are on this map. What does it mean?

Something rustles at the door and I jump. My body freezes as I listen, my hand hovering over the map. The sound stops and I quickly fold up the map, and stuff it into my pocket, as the door slides open.

“Oh my goodness,” Tassie says as she walks in. “What a morning. I can’t wait to come on an expedition …” Her voice drifts off as I sit on my bed, feeling the sharp folded corners of the map bite into my skin. All I can think about is that triangle. I need to figure out its meaning and remember why it was so important that my mother wrote about it in her notebook.

I spend the rest of my day pondering over the mystery of my mother’s map with no avail. It’s not until the next morning, when I roll out of bed and find a white envelope lying on the floor inside our door, that a spark of hope burns in my chest. I grab the smooth, white paper, with my name typed neatly across its front, and tear it open to see what’s inside.