This Regret (23 page)

Chapter Twelve

Phoenix

I follow him down the stairs and back into the hallway. Just as we reach the door, Jen comes in view from the kitchen.

She looks at Kellan, who is just about to reach for the door knob, before she turns her attention to me. “Going somewhere?” She looks behind her as if she’s looking to see if she’s alone. Then she turns back around and stares at me, waiting for a response. “Well?”

I look at Kellan and he angles his head towards the door. “I’ll be outside.”

I watch him walk out the door, before I turn to face Jen. “I can’t stay here, Jen. I didn’t even want to be here in
the first place. I just have . . . I have to go.”

She laughs as if I just said something silly. “So you just run off with Kellan like when you were a kid? You weren’t even going to say anything were you? How is going off with Kellan any better than being here with your friends?”

She really doesn’t get it. With Kellan, I just feel safe. I've always felt that way around him and that hasn't changed. I feel as if I should be with him right now. He gives me a feeling I haven’t felt in years. He was the closest person that my brother had besides me. If I can’t be around my brother, then Kellan is the next best thing. I want to feel alive like I used to. “It’s hard to explain,” I swallow as I reach for the door. “I’ll call you later. Tell everyone I said bye.”

Before she can respond, I am out the door looking for Kellan. I spot him right away, standing against his truck with the passenger door already open and waiting on me. With me wearing this skirt, a part
of me is happy to be seeing the truck instead of his motorcycle.

When he notices me, he tilts his head and holds out his hand. “Come.”

I walk over to him and grab his hand as he helps me up and into the truck, before shutting the door behind me. I start to feel really nervous as I watch him jog in front of the truck and over to his side to get in. I never expected to be back in this truck again and the feeling has me on some kind of high. Maybe it’s just being in Kellan’s presence. I haven’t quite figured it out.

After he’s in the truck, he closes the door behind him and turns the keys, starting up the engine. The keys were in the tr
uck the whole time, meaning he never expected to stay for long.
What was his reasoning for keeping his keys ready?

I clear my throat, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
“So . . . you weren’t planning on staying very long were you? Were you just going to swing by to say hi?”

He answers, keeping his eyes on the road. “I was only coming so I could take something with me. Something
important to me. I found it rather quickly. Quicker than I expected.”

My mind races as I realize that something has to be me. He didn’t go anywhere else in the house and he didn’t have much time alone to grab anything to take with him.
Is he playing games with me?
Yes, he kissed me, but that doesn’t mean he wants me or that I’m important to him.

“Why did you kiss me?” My voice comes out slightly shaky as I study his profile. He’s so beautiful. His strong jaw line is covered in a short
stubble that I just want to be rubbed all over my body. Everything about him is sexy and masculine.

He glances my way, but only for a quick second before he speaks. “I don't know, because I wanted to, I guess.”

That’s his answer, because he wanted to?
That answer isn’t exactly what I was looking for. “You just wanted to for no particular-“

“Look Phoenix. I couldn’t help myself. You were standing there looking as sexy as
homemade sin and the only thing I could picture was tasting every part of your body, including those gorgeous lips of yours. I wanted to, so I did. It was a mistake and I shouldn’t have done that to you. It won’t happen again, okay?” He’s breathing heavily and his hands are gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly. “I’m sorry for kissing you.”

“Yeah, well I’m sorry for asking.” He thinks it was a mistake to kiss me.
Am I really that bad?
I thought he was supposed to make me feel better about today, not worse. “Maybe you should just take me back to the party so I can get my car and go home.”

His hand reaches out and grabs mine, interlocking our fingers. The look in his eyes scream pain, as he attempts to look at me and still pay attention to the road. “I’m not taking you back to the party. I want to spend this day with you. You said you would give me a chance. If I remember correctly, you keep your promises, as do I.”

I feel foolish now for even feeling just a little bit of excitement. Of course, he is only doing this because of my brother. I’m sure he feels some kind of guilt that he didn’t take care of his best friend’s sister after he was gone. I guess this is his way of making up for it. As much as it stings, I guess I should be thankful he’s here at all.

“You’re right. I do keep my word and I will keep it now,” I whisper. “Just don’t hurt me. I can’t take anymore hurt right now.”

His jaw clenches at my words. He releases my hand and places both of his hands back on the steering wheel. “I'm trying my best,” he says stiffly.

Ten minutes later, we pull up at the cemetery. I instantly get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and every part of me wants to run. Sure, I have come here, but no one else knows. It's my secret. I've sat at his grave, plenty of times actually. Just never with someone else. I enjoy this moment alone, my serenit
y. It’s my time to pretend it’s just the two of us again like old times. Sometimes I sit and talk to Adric for hours on end, telling him everything or nothing at all. It's my only way to cope with him not being here. My mother has tried getting me to come here with her and Zoe, but I always refuse. They don’t understand the connection that me and Adric had. No one but Kellan understands that.

I choke back a sob as my emotions start to take over, overwhelming me. I rarely let anyone see me cry.
I won’t let it happen. I won’t let it happen.
I repeat in my head in hopes that my body will listen. Usually, my body is pretty good at listening to my mind, but around Kellan, I lose all control.

“Are you ready?” He waits for me to nod before opening the door and getting out of the truck.

I get out as well, closing my eyes, in an attempt to prepare myself. The grass is a bright green and it smells freshly cut. It makes me yearn to take these boots off and let it squish between my toes. I used to love rolling around in the grass as a kid. I remember watching Adric and Kellan play toss with a football and I would sit out on the sidelines, lying flat on my belly, while reading a book or just laughing at them being two goofy boys. Occasionally, they would pull me in to play catch and laugh at me whenever I ran after the ball. I ran like the wind, but always missed. Sometimes I even tried to run so fast to show off, that my legs would buckle and then I would look like a total idiot, face planting into the grass. Those were the good old times. For them at least.

I look out into the clear blue sky that stretches on for miles. It is a beautiful day to come v
isit my brother and I wish I would have come on the fourth every year. I just couldn’t seem to find it in me. This day was always too dark for me.

The grass is perfectly trimmed as if someone just cut it within the last two days or so. That makes me smile. Last time I came here, the grass looked a little unkempt as if someone either rushed through the maintenance or skipped it all together. It made me sad and angry. My brother’s home should be just as beautiful as he was.

Without responding to Kellan’s earlier question, I slowly walk down the pathway towards the middle of Adric’s row. I have been coming here for so long, that finding him is no longer a mission. I could walk it in my sleep. I can hear Kellan’s footsteps traipsing through the grass behind me and oddly, it gives me a feeling of peace.

I approach the white marble headstone and a single tear rolls down my cheek as I look at the deep carvings. On the top is a music note because music was his passion. He would play me the guitar whenever I was sad. It always helped to bring a smile to my face.
Oh how much I miss that about him.

The headstone reads:

Forever Young

Adric Tyler Winters

Loving son and brother

Forever in our hearts

We will always hear you sing

July 5th 1985 – July 4th 2005

I drop down to my knees and reach out, running my fingers over the carving. My heart feels so heavy just thinking about him being here, six feet under instead of up
here with us. I want to break down and cry so bad, but I’m trying with everything in me to hold it together.

I feel the warmth of Kellan’s hand on my shoulder before I feel him kneel down beside me. He pulls a guitar pick from his pocket and lays it on the grave stone. “Hey buddy. I know it's been a long time since I've been to see you and for that I'm sorry. I just want you to know, not a damn day goes by that I don't think of you. You may not be here, but you're never forgotten.” He clears his throat as if he's trying to hold back his own tears.

After a moment, he turns to me. “Remember that time when me and Adric went to that boys house,” he stops to think. “What was his name?”

“Travis,” I say with a small laugh.

“That’s right, Travis. We went to his house and threatened to throw him in the pool for being mean to you because we knew he was so afraid of water. We were holding him above the water and he was squeaking like a little mouse, crying for us to put him down. He told you that he was sorry and that you were the most beautiful girl in the world. Adric finally agreed to let him down. We were never going to throw him in the water anyways. We were only trying to scare him and we did a hell of a good job.” He stops to laugh and I find myself laughing with him at the memory, when he continues. “Come to find out, Adric was just as scared of the deep end as Travis and when he fell in, I had to jump in and save him.”

“Oh my goodness.” I cover my mouth and try so hard not to burst out in laughter. “Poor Adric. I had never seen him so scared in my life. Then he got so embarrassed that you had to save him that he ended up ignoring us for days.”

“Exactly! I remember that day like it was yesterday.” He places his elbow on his knees and turns to face me with a smile. “There was also this one time that I never told you about.” He stops and laughs aloud. “It was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.”

I elbow him in the side, urging him to go on. “Well tell me. Don’t keep me hanging.”

His face turns beet red and suddenly he looks embarrassed. “I don’t know if I can. It’s too embarrassing.”

I position myself in the grass on my butt to get more comfortable. He’s really making me wonder now and I can’t take the anticipation anymore. “Is this something that happened to you or him? You’re pretty red,” I say with a grin. “Are you the one embarrassed?” I nudge him in the side almost causing him to tip over.

He balances himself and grabs my arm pulling me to him so we’re face to face. “When have I ever been embarrassed?” He challenges. “I don’t get embarrassed. I am what I am and I don’t care how foolish I look.”

My smile broadens but I don’t answer him. This makes him even more curious than I am at the moment. “What are you cooking up in that head of yours? You better spill it, girl.”

“I don’t know if I should. I kind of never told you about this.” I blush at the thought and my whole body gets hot. This is a memory that is ingrained in my mind forever. “Maybe I should just keep it a secret. My dark little secret.”

“Oh no you don’t.” He runs his hands along my sides, until his hands are squeezing my hips. “I know how to get it out of you. Are you still ticklish?” he asks with a boyish grin. It’s a grin that I used to love in the past. Seeing it now only makes the memories stronger.

“You wouldn’t dare, Kellan,” I scream. “Don’t!”

He digs his fingers into my hips, ribs, armpits and any other place that he knows I’m ticklish at. Before I know it, I’m on the ground squirming with him on top of me. “I love watching you squirm.” He stops and places his hands on either side of my hips. “Especially with you underneath me.”

I take a deep breath and attempt to catch my breath. If I get tickled too hard, I sometimes laugh so hard I pass out. I won’t let him get me this time. I’m not a dorky kid anymore. “Why, because you have the advantage on a little girl,” I say teasingly. “That’s not fair and you know it. I hate you for doing this to me,” I groan.

He positions himself so that his legs are around me and he’s sitting on his knees, holding my hands above my he
ad. “Hey, it’s not my fault you’re a little girl. I thought you’d be over this tickling stage by now.”

I bring my legs up trying to buck him off, but he leans down and brings his lips under my ear. “I’m strong. A lot stronger than you remember so you might want to give in now,” he breathes, running his lips over my neck, causing me to let out a small moan. “I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve.”

When he tricks me and his fingers end back up in my ribs, I burst out laughing in his face. “Okay! I give up. You win.” I sit up as he releases my arms. “You always win, you jerk wad.”

He smiles and crosses his arms over his chest, but stays sitting on top of me. “I love it when you see it my way.”